Don't Say I Love You

Chapter Two: Warning: Live Without Warning
“Okay, so, the rules are exactly how I’ve just gone through them. You know that whoever says the three words ‘I LOVE YOU’ first is the one who is cursed. Just do whatever I tell you to do, when I tell you to do it, if you want this curse removed.” Dookie said into my ear. “And remember, only you can see me, so if you try anything funny, like saying somebody is controlling you, it won’t work. And I’ll just keep rewinding the time; back to the moment before you said it, do you comprehend?”

I nodded, but groaned, remembering my new thirst for human blood. This, it appeared, was my punishment; I had to follow instructions to hurt whomever I loved so the vampire curse would be lifted. If I got into any situations where somebody ended up despising me, there would be no turning back, and if I blamed Dookie, he would simply (because he had ‘mystical’ powers) rewind the time. Holy crow.
“What if I get thirsty?” I said as an afterthought.
Dookie screwed his face up with uncertainty. “I didn’t think of that... maybe I should change your curse. Thirst takes too long to come anyway.” He drew out a book from his pocket and flicked through it. “Big feet, endless erection, constant ejaculation, high sex drive at 2 am, madness, insanity, insomnia, drag queen attributes, dogmatic behaviour...” He flicked through some more pages.
I watched in horror. Endless erection, constant ejaculation?
Dookie stopped skimming through the book. “Increase in sexual attraction.” He gave me a wicked grin. “That’s the one for you, my dear.”
“You really find this funny, don’t you?” I said levelly.
“Yes, I am a game master after all. I took this job because I died due to playing games for three days straight. So this is a little game of my own now, to mess with people who fall in love, and the best thing is, I can’t die from dehydration for playing it too long.”
I gasped and stared at him.
“Now, that’s enough, I’m going to unfreeze time.” Dookie said. “Get ready to see Billie in a... new light. Remember your curse.”

I turned to Billie when Dookie unfroze the time (he could freeze time). I was back to the point where Billie had confessed his love for me. This, Dookie said, was when my curse had been activated. It felt like so long ago to me, this situation between sexy Billie, and me. I hope I didn’t have to hurt him too bad before the curse was lifted. He looked so beautiful to me now; Dookie was right about the curse. My heart began to speed up as I realized he was sitting on my lap still.
“I really love you...” Billie went on from there. It took me a moment to realize what he had said before this shit with Dookie had happened. I smiled when I remembered that I had asked him to come to my room. And then he had said he loved me. Oh, Billie.
Tell him you changed your mind, it don’t matter. Dookie’s voice said.
I tried to ignore him, but the words repeated themselves in my head, hammering into my eardrums like bludgeons. I didn’t want to listen to him, I really didn’t. Fuck, I really wanted Billie right now.
“Uh... actually, let’s leave it; I’m kidding with you, Billie.” I said, reluctantly.
Billie looked blank for a moment, and then his blush faded away. He sucked the insides of his cheeks in, in a really cute way that made him look like he was about to kiss me. He frowned, “I see. I guess I am pretty worn out right now anyway— practising, y’know?”
A pang of guilt coursed through me. I glared at the invisible laughing Dookie behind Billie’s back. I didn’t know why it was necessary for me to have to start hurting who I loved just because all I’d done was admit to being in love in the first place. I hated hurting Billie. He’s so damn sexy.
Mike chose this moment to return to the room, with our drinks, chilled with apple-shaped cubes of ice. Billie clapped his hands in delight, leapt off my lap, “How marvellous.” He hopped over to Mike and accepted the glass of Tequila.
“Get that Bourbon over herrrrrrrre.” I sung, holding my arm out over the kit. Mike looked annoyed, but walked over and handed me my drink. I took a sip from it, and then bit one of the cute ice cubes.
Billie placed his drink onto the ground, and then picked up Blue. “Emenius Sleepus, okay. Then we’ll do some of the songs from Nimrod. Like King for a Day...”
Wow, I definitely felt like King.
Say 21st Century Breakdown, and then ask to play Restless Heart Syndrome. Dookie said-- seemed harmless enough.
So I said it. There was a silence, and Billie glanced up to the ceiling. “Tre’, we’ve been practising that album for ages now, we’ve got it spot on.”
Persist.
I glared at Dookie. “But I fucked up the beat in Restless Heart Syndrome.”
“No you didn’t, you were perfect. What are you on about? You always play everything perfect.” Billie sounded annoyed now.
“Okay, we’ll go with what you said.” I gave in; Billie was just so beautiful that I couldn’t refuse him.
There was a strange sound, a rewinding sound. Billie said his last sentence once more.
“No you didn’t, you were perfect. What are you on about? You always play everything perfect.”
I sighed, this was so fucked. “But...” I felt anger then, anger at that Dookie bastard for messing with my life, and what I did. It was my life. I got up from my drum throne and marched over to Dookie. I swung my fist right to his face, expecting it to connect with his nose. My hand passed straight through him. I saw a glint in his eye, like a knife.
“Jeez, Tre’, what’s the deal?” Billie cried, he had ducked out of the way of my fist, and was now seated on the floor, looking slightly frightened. “If you’re that pissed about going for Nimrod—“
“No, no. It wasn’t you, it was...” I began. Dookie grinned at me, swinging a watch around his finger mockingly. I almost growled with fury then, this guy was taking the piss.
“I... I thought I saw—something..?” I went on, unconvincingly.
Mike snorted loudly, “I thought you were trying to hit Billie. If you were, that was pretty off-key.”
“I wasn’t trying to hit him; I thought I saw... a bee.” I said lamely.
Billie and Mike exchanged a look, both shaking their heads in mystification.
“You tried to punch a bee?” Mike said.
Billie gave a little giggle, and then laid himself down on the carpet beside his drink. “I’m not sure that would have been effective.”
I gave a little laugh, “yeah, anyway, Restless Heart Syndrome?”
Billie stopped smiling. Mike pulled a face.
“Oh, come onnnnnn.” I complained.
Billie waited for a while, “fine, let me just speak to the tech guys, so they can sort out the piano and all that for the music.”
Dookie stopped grinning for a moment, and quickly rushed out of the room. I stood confused.
When Billie returned with the headphones and amp leads, some of the tech guys, including Dookie, sat at the control panel. I almost screamed that ‘there he was; that was who I had tried to hit’ but Dookie’s voice trailed into my ear.
They can only see me in my human form... even if you try to convince them that I am controlling you:
One, they won’t even believe you because you’ll look insane. Two, I’ll just rewind time.
So now that they could see him, there was nothing I could do, damn it. He was right here! I could try though, couldn’t I, couldn’t I?! COULDN’T I?
Before I knew it, the piano intro had begun, and Billie began to sing.
After he had said, “So take me to, emergency... ‘Cause somethin’ seems to be missing.”
I began to play my drums.
“Somebody take the pain away... it’s like an ulcer bleeding in my brain. So send me to, the pharmacy... so I can lose my memory...” Billie’s angelic voice went on.
Once we reached the chorus, and the second part of the song, I realised what Dookie had wanted me to play this song for.
“You are your own worst enemy... KNOW YOU’RE ENEMYYYYYYY.” Billie said, in that sexy voice of his. It wasn’t so sexy right now though... I was my own worst enemy, I knew my enemy.
Dookie grinned at my realisation.

A few hours later, the time was 11 pm, we had rehearsed all day, and there was only one hour to the show. I felt so wound up. Us, Green Day, (and of course, Dookie in his spiritual form) were seated on the stage floor, gazing at the empty seats which would be filled in an hour. The setting up was done, all the instruments pitch-perfect. The sound checks were complete, and the guy at the mix board was still mucking around with the controls.
“So, this is it guys... live at Pinole.” Mike announced.
“Hometown of our dreams,” Billie’s hand reached for Mike’s, clasped his fingers.
Mike nodded, and gave me a pat on the back too. “Hometown you came into.” He told me.
I smiled in response. Dookie hovered next to me, with a grin on his tanned face.
Tell them you didn’t ever feel like this dump was yours.
I shook my head; that would really hurt Billie... I can’t do it, I can’t say that. Dookie raised his hand threateningly, attempting to strike me with his palm.
“Nah, this dump ain’t my hometown.” I winced in horror, I sounded like a dirty rotten bastard.
Billie’s face went all red; he looked at me in disbelief. “Dump? I was born in this ‘dump’.”
I turned red myself, “well...”
Mike watched me in disgust, “So did I. Why do you suddenly hate Pinole, you didn’t before.”
I felt tears spring into my eyes, I glanced at Dookie. Surely this was enough? It had to be.
Dookie shook his head.
“I don’t... hate the place as such; I just think it’s like a wasteland.” I amended.
Billie chuckled mirthlessly, “Right, Welcome To Paradise much. Look around you, Tre’, this place has been renovated now, done up. It’s not the same place it used to be, like when we were diddy.
“When Mike and I were fourteen, the only place to hang out was Tightwad Hill, the one looking over Pinole Valley High, and then after that was that crappy, half-stocked mall. It isn’t like that anymore.”
Mike agreed, “that’s right BJ, it’s so much better now.”
I felt pity and guilt blossom in my chest. I was hurting my friends, hurting Billie. I couldn’t take it any longer... but there was nothing I could do about it, nothing at all until I got rid of this curse and that piss-taking loser, Dookie. I only sighed, “I guess...” I answered after a while.
Billie rolled his eyes.

The hour came pretty quickly, and soon we were pouring our hearts out into our concert, singing the songs we had made together. I still felt guilty whilst I sat here on my drum throne, playing with the friends I loved, the friends I would have to betray sooner or later. That was why I was putting more heart into the performance than usual, why I added in complex fills between each song, why I played even into the interval. I felt like I owed it to these guys, my friends.
The performance finally came to a close, right after Billie sang, “The clock strikes midnight in the...” and him and Mike strummed the final chords of Murder City. Boy, that song really applied to me at the moment, I really felt so useless in this town.

On the journey back home, in the private limo, Billie was all bubbly and excited, chatting away about the performance. I hope Dookie didn’t choose this as a time to control me, I couldn’t hurt Billie when he was so happy like this, so cheerful, his big green eyes alight with excitement.
Thankfully, we arrived home before anything could happen. I dumped all of my stuff down on the carpet and trudged into the kitchen. I threw myself down onto the nearest stool, leaned on the counter. I’m gonna cry, I know I’m gonna cry. But it’s fine, it’s fine if I’m gonna cry, nobody’s around to see me, I’m all alone. Billie and Mike have gone straight to bed, it’s okay. I banged my head into the counter, even though I knew Dookie was watching me, not that I cared. He was a heartless criminal with no soul, he’d killed himself over video games for fuck sakes. At least I’d never do that in my life, gaming over long periods was a disease to the mind.
I banged my head one more time, I wanted to see blood, and I wanted to pass out, go into a comatose state. I didn’t feel like feeling anymore, if I couldn’t feel love.
You di’n’t feel love, you told somebody that you loved them, but you never felt it. You felt desire, and a lust for passion, a want for sex.
“Shut the fuck up, what do you know about love?” I mumbled into my arms. “I always say what I feel anyway.”
Love that is true doesn’t need to be revealed by mouth, but by action, or conscience. Conscience speaks louder than words. I believe it did cross your mind that Billie meant more than words, but you chose to ignore yourself. Foolishly, I might add.
I didn’t reply; I was fed up of this shithead getting in my mind, hovering like a bastard beside me wherever I went, grinning with slyness when he got his way. I was sick of it.
Don’t worry, dear.
I still ignored him, there was no use, he was only tricking me, and there was no way that I could stop worrying. What reason was there not to?
This is the final stage.
“What?” I asked, my head snapping up. So maybe Dookie had some remorse after all.
You heard me, this is the final stage.
“What is it?” I demanded.
I heard Dookie chuckle, relax, relax. Just go to bed with Billie and I’ll lead you on from there.

Once I’d leapt up the stairs, I knocked on Billie’s bedroom door and waited. This feeling was rushing through me, like electric. I suddenly felt so horny... why, I knew definitely why. It felt unnatural though; there was a very miniscule part of me that knew my feelings were fake.
The door creaked open, and Billie stood there, dressed still. Though he had done his makeup over, and had changed his jeans to tight, ripped-at-the-knee leather ones. He wore Creepers also. I glanced at his face, which was adorned with makeup; eyeliner, mascara, plum eye shadow, creamy foundation, lip balm, touch of rouge along his cheekbones. His hair was big, full of enormous volume, puffed up and glamorous, and luxuriously messy. Loose, thin strands fell artfully into his eyes, and touched the ends of his eyelashes. His green eyes glowed like green, emerald pendulums, framed by his mascara-covered lashes, and rimmed with dark liner. His skin was tanned lightly, so he looked quite brownish, his pale pink lips parted in surprise, and then he smiled.
“Tre’, hey there.” He told me, and his voice sounded like honey being poured over a delicious treat. And man, was Billie a treat... with that sweet Californian accent.
“Oh, hey Billie.” I muttered gazing into his sexy, alluring eyes. He had it all, Billie did, all the looks, the charms. It was so unfair.
Billie stepped out of the way to let me in. I grabbed his arm on my entry, and kicked the door shut with my left foot. Dookie had said to get in bed with Billie, so. At least it was something I actually, really wanted to do right now.
Billie laughed a tinkly laugh, pulled me into him. “Hey, baby..!” he giggled, blushing a little more.
I said nothing back, just raised my eyebrows and yanked him by the arm to the bed. Billie stopped me just as I was about to pull him atop the sheet, and then kissed me. I felt guilt as I responded, placing my hands onto his shoulders and skimming them down his arms. I knew I would have to hurt him soon, I knew it perfectly well, as well as I knew my name.