Can You Save My Bastard Soul?

The bright stage lights, shining over Bring Me The Horizon were burning Oliver's, the skinny singers eyes as badly as they were his band mates, making the crowd disappear behind the colorful spots that fell like snowflakes from nowhere, creating a curtain like illusion.

Oliver heard the crowd cheer wildly, wanting more, lusting over the harsh voice of the twenty-eight years old, over the powerful kicks of the drummers bass drum and the perfect melody, which was created by the rest of the band when the song ended. The whole room went dark and the crowd let out a moan like noises, when they got a brake from the lights burning upon them.

Sigh of relief escaped the singers lips; even the smallest, few seconds long brake felt amazing after singing three songs straight. So the heavily tattooed man dropped the microphone on the wooden stage floor creating a horrible electric, squeaking noise and almost ran to the water bottles placed next to the drum set, craving the cool liquid and its effect on the dry, burning throat. Even when the water turned out to be warm after sitting under the bright lights for almost a hour already, Oliver enjoyed every drop of it.

From the corner of his tired eyes, Oliver saw his younger brother, Thomas waving at him from the side stage, with a smile so wide it reached his blue eyes, taking over his face. Oliver shook his head, staring at the younger Sykes and started grinning as he threw the open bottle to the screaming crowd where a world war three like battle for the bottle broke out, causing both of the Sykes to laugh along with their mates behind Oliver.

Oliver couldn't remember when was the last time he had seen Tom smiling like that; his deep blue eyes full of happiness, huge smile plastered on his face and his cheeks rosy, like a little boy, proud of his brother.

When the Sykes brothers were bit younger, Oliver used to drag Tom everywhere he went; from small coffee shops and hanging with his mates to their first show and the first world tour. Tom watched his older brother in awe as he jumped up and down, all around the stage, all around the world while he filmed it all. Tom always kept pointing his brother out to the strangers around him, wanting to make sure everyone knew how proud he was to have Oliver Scott Sykes as his older brother; Oliver was his paragon and would always be, no matter what. Tom knew Oliver had his demons and they were extremely hard to sink, but it never changed how he saw him.

'This next song is for my brother, Thomas Jordan Sykes.' Oliver breathed slowly into the microphone smiling sadly as the whole room went quiet, respecting their idols words. Oliver was searching for his brothers blue eyes from the side stage, but he was gone and replaced by a young man with a bit too long brown hair that covered half of his face, only exposing his pale lips with a sad smile on them. He was probably one of the new photographers for the band.

Number seven, Oliver had heard his band mates joke about the photographer, like they did every time they got new one. Oliver just couldn't understand why would they need someone to refill Tom's place; so in a year of touring, Oliver had fired six photographers, just to get new one next day. Oliver had nothing against the six photographers, they all were nice, stayed away from the bands way and took amazing pictures of the band; Oliver just didn't want anyone to take his brothers place, that was left unfilled, exactly a year ago.

Oliver took a long, shaky breath and closed his eyes when the band started to play, getting almost amusingly eager response from the crowd. His heart was bounding against his rib cage like a prisoner, trying to get out of his cell, making breathing a bit more harder than it should have been.

'You actually made into the radio with this record.' Tom's laughter filled the car and he turned the volume of the radio up to hear his brothers voice clearly.

'I'm ignoring you, twat.' Oliver sang, laughing at his brother over the loud music and stopped the car into the red lights, reaching for the volume button to turn it down, not wanting to break the windows that were already shaking. Tom was jumping up and down on his seat, singing along the lyrics, not really caring about the fact he sounded like some kind of dying animal; he loved the song and he knew the lyrics more than well, so nothing was stopping him from singing with his brother, like he always did.

'Lights are green you knob.' Tom stopped singing and shook his head, slapping his brothers hand away when he turned the volume down, leaving a hand shaped red spot over the tattoos of his older brothers hand. Oliver rolled his brown eyes laughing once again and hit the gas, driving directly into the bright lights that blind everyone on its path.

I'm sorry brothers, so sorry lover
Forgive me father, I love you mother
Can you hear the silence?
Can you see the dark?
Can you fix the broken?
Can you feel my heart?
Can you feel my heart?

The whole band was trying their best to fight away the tears that were glistening on their faces in the dim stage light as they listened the crowd sing all the parts Oliver couldn't when his voice broke down and was replaced with sobs. Most of the crowd kept singing, for Oliver and for Tom; rest of them probably didn't just care or were sobbing as madly as the singer was.

As soon as the song ended, Oliver ran of to the side stage that had been left empty when the last song had reached to its end. Rest of the band stood still on their places on the stage, not sure what to do, so they stayed for a bit, listening the various fans of theirs, yelling how much they love the band or a certain member. Some of them even asked why they were still on the stage and not running after Oliver.



Matt Nicholls, the drummer for Bring Me The Horizon and also Oliver's best mate, right after his younger brother, knew Oliver well enough to let him leave before the band so he could be alone for a moment. Matt was worried about Oliver; he saw the demons in his mates eyes and he well knew what caused them.

The singer was wondering around the frozen streets of Sheffield, Stocksbridge to be exact, hands tucked deep into the jacket from his clothing line, taking careful steps on the icy death trap. He couldn't feel anything but the burning sensation in his toes when his body tried to fight the coldness. Oliver knew how stupid the decision of wearing Vans shoes in the winter was, but it was a bit late to turn around and change them; so he just kept walking, wishing he would still have all his toes when he would get up from his bed the next day.

Oliver really wasn't fond to the noise of the small bell hanging from the corner of the small shops door when he walked in; sound making him want to bust his head through the wall.

I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone
I long for that feeling to not feel at all.
The higher I get, the lower I'll sink,
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim

Oliver closed his eyes, wanting to escape the ironic situation. The radio station that was blasting in the shop, soon ended the song, but kept talking about the band. They kept saying lots of things about Oliver and for the singers surprise, about Tom.

'Keep yourself together man.' He whispered to himself when the next song started and took slow steps towards the checkout, trying to get his toes back to life while the young woman, obviously tired after a long day of work, stared him from behind the stand.

'Are you alright mate?' The girl yawned, stretching her arms towards the white ceiling, giving a small peak of her pierced belly button with a simple, silver piece of jewelry.

Oliver mumbled a yes to the woman, Kristina as her name tag said, and started to walk around the small shop, sucking in the warmth.

Kristina was sure that she had seen him before; his eyes, face structure and tattoos were somehow familiar to her, but she had no idea from where. The young shop worker kept staring at the man, wondering around the aisles. The clerk became worried when she noticed his shaky hands as he tried to hide into his, not thick enough jacket.

'I'm going to get you something warm to drink, yeah? Maybe coffee?' Oliver was a bit shocked when he heard the worried tone of the young clerk but nodded yes, not wanting to be rude.



Oliver chuckled at the girls expression when she stared at the newest issue of Rock Sound magazine, with his face on the cover. 'I knew you were familiar from somewhere, but from magazine cover' Kristina gasped. 'Should I ask for your autograph, mister rock star.' She hold the issue in front of the singers face.

Oliver downed the rest of his black coffee and threw the cardboard mug into the thrash bin. 'Sure.' he chuckled and grabbed a marker from the counter before signing the magazine. 'You can either sell this with higher price or frame it and hang it on you wall puppet.' Oliver laughed and handed it to the black haired girl who playfully rolled his eyes.

Tom's heavy steps were hard to miss when he dragged himself down the stairs. Oliver watched as his almost naked younger brother walked into the kitchen, rubbing his tired eyes and yawned. Oliver started to laugh like an idiot, he knew he was when mama Sykes told his youngest to get dressed and that it was time for him to change his boxers.

'You better have a good reason to wake me up this early, you fucking git.' Tom punched his brothers arm, hard enough to form a bruise. The older Sykes brother punched the younger one back, starting a fist fight which was quickly ended by their mother, yelling to his bastard sons. Ian, the father of the terror twins, like Carol, their mother usually called them, laughed at his sons. He loved his sons and having them home, unconditionally, but was absolutely thrilled when he heard that Oliver was moving out, taking Thomas with him; long waited piece was finally coming, he called it.

'It's noon you knob.' Oliver murmured while being pulled up from the floor by the collar of his shirt. Carol didn't care if she was going to ruin her sons shirt as long as he wasn't beating the shit out of his younger brother on her kitchen floor.

'And yes, I have a good reason to wake you up.' Oliver's frown turned into a full smirk when he reached over the table to grab the newest issue of Kerrang magazine, with his face on the cover of course along the faces of his band mates. He handed the magazine to his baby brother, who now was staring at the magazine with wide eyes and open mouth.

'Thank you for your support, cunt. Oliver Sykes and Bring Me The Horizon.' Tom read the signing from the corner of the cover. The magazine wasn't supposed to come out yet, but Oliver had asked for the first copy to give it for his brother.

'You can either sell this with higher price or frame it and hang it on you wall.'

New wave of pain and misery took over Olivers mind, taking over his whole head. Headache, bad one, like Nicholls would be playing his drums inside of his head, hitting the symbols aimlessly, creating the most horrid sound known to the man kind.

'Oliver.' Kristiina kept swinging her hand in front of the older mans face, trying to pull the poor bastard back from, well where ever his mind was. She had tried to get his attention for a few minutes now, just to inform that his overly expensive phone was ringing and if the young clerk was right, the phone was blasting the tune music of the Jurassic Park. She knew the classics and loved them.

Oliver's eyes fixated on something moving right in front of his face and his ears picked up a familiar tune, playing in his pocket. The singer shook his head and slapped the clerks hand away half-heartedly.

'Hey Hannah.' Oliver nervously laughed as he answered to the call from his girlfriend. Oliver kept quiet the whole time when Hannah screamed her petit lungs out. When she finally stopped, Oliver kept saying again and again that he would be home soon and that she didn't have to worry.



'You didn't have to.' Oliver sighed when Kristina stopped into the red lights. She had offered Oliver a ride as a payment for the autograph and she simply didn't take a no as an answer.

'Shut up Sykes and listen your music and I'll drop you off to the cemetery, alright.' the woman laughed and turned the radios volume up. Oliver had a bad feeling about the ride; everything was going just like the last time.

Can you hear the silence?
Can you see the dark?
Can you fix the broken?
Can you feel, can you feel my heart?

Lights turned green and every nightmare Oliver had in the past year, came true once again.



Oliver knew that if he would have stayed at the wrecked car, he would have been in the hospital by now, Kristina on her side and Hannah on her way to him, probably with his parents but he just couldn't stay. He knew that if he would just leave right when he got on his feet, he would make it to Tom, he could see his baby brother for the one last time.

Oliver hated himself for leaving Kristina into the car, he absolutely loathed himself more than anything, but it was too late now; he wasn't there anymore.

'Hey Tom.' Oliver cried from many different pains and sat next to the grave. He was hurt and he could see the worry in his brothers blue eyes that were glued to his arm. Without looking or asking, Oliver knew what the younger Sykes was staring.

Oliver wanted to tell Tom that everything was alright, he wanted to see his bright smile and wipe every sign of worry from his face; it just wasn't possible anymore.

'Tom, I've missed you so much. I'm sorry that I haven't visited you earlier.' Oliver sobbed and tried to win more time for him and Tom by adding pressure on his bleeding arm, but it didn't really help.

'I love you Tom.' Oliver closed his eyes and took deep breathes. Those three little words kept echoing in the empty cemetery, sounding like a response from the smaller man in Oliver's head.
The pain in Oliver's arm started to vanish, just like everything else from him, ironically. He still felt the blood flowing down his arm and maybe for the first time, he was happy that something like this had happened to him because there was finally something that was ready to take him.

'You little, annoying brat' Oliver ran after his younger brother. The blue eyed boy just laughed, taking as many pictures as he managed while running. Tom wanted to take pictures to annoy Oliver and was doing good work with it.

'Come and fucking catch me Oli.' Tom laughed evilly and stopped running. He turned around and aimed the camera towards his dear brother, who was just about to jump on his brother. Both of the Sykes brothers were laying on the parking lot. Oliver wasn't really bothered by Tom and his crazy obsession of taking photographs of him, he just loved to spend time with him; Tom was his best mate and little brother who he loved.

'You are going to brake my camera, get off of me you fucking whale.' Tom laughed and tried to push Oliver off, with no success. Oliver's band mates were watching the brothers, either laughing or shaking their heads. They loved the Sykes brothers, but of course they would never admit that to them, not unless they actually had to.

'Remind me again why I'm in a band with Oliver as a singer and Tom as a spare Matt.' Lee shook his head and dodged the hit Matt was aiming at his shoulder.

'C'mon boys, back into the van.' Ian laughed and pulled his two sons up from the ground. 'We have a few hour drive ahead of us.'



Everyone was sleeping apart from the three Sykes men in the van. Oliver and Tom were sitting in the last row, talking about everything and making fun of Matt Kean, Vegan, about sleeping mouth wide open. Ian kept glaring at his boys through the rearview mirror, smiling proudly. Ian was always afraid to have two sons that hated each others and would fight all the time, like he used to with his brother; luckily he was blessed with two knob heads that loved each others more than anything and unconditionally. Everything they had achieved, they achieved together, every heartbreak they suffered together. Ian knew that it was impossible to separate his sons, terror twins like his wife called her sons; Ian knew that someday, they would even die together.

Can you help the hopeless?
Well, I'm begging on my knees
Can you save my bastard soul?
Will you wait for me?