A Search for Paradise

Graduation came too fast, and even if I could've spent every hour with Noah, it wouldn't have been enough time. For that reason, I didn't wish that I'd spent more time with him. Instead, I was glad for the time I did get to spend with him and his coffee brown eyes that seemed orange in the sunlight His big Chicklet teeth that were always so white; his soft hair that always stood up and caused him frustration; his lips so smooth and soft looking.

When I found my seat amongst the rest of the senior class, I looked for him. I'd told him where my parents would be sitting, but I wasn't sure if he'd ended up sitting near them. I was pretty close to the end of my class. When my name was called, everyone was tired and shifting in their chairs. I hauled ass across the stage anyway, my heart pounded in my ears. I'd been 18 for months now, yet at this moment, it actually resonated within me that I was an adult now. When I was younger and I imagined becoming an adult, I always thought it'd be more climactic than this. I imagined that I'd bust into adult life, knowing exactly what I wanted to do with my life and doing whatever I wanted. When my parents forbade me from doing something at a young age, this was the moment I looked forward to. It didn't seem near as appealing now, I wished I’d had one more year to soak it all in.

Maybe I wouldn’t have taken as many things for granted. I'd miss a lot of it, even Mr. Hanley's long rants, and taking Joshua to school in the mornings. I made my way back to my seat. I was teary eyed, this was almost too much, but somehow I managed to blink away my tears and pull myself up from my slumped over position I'd adapted. In retrospect it went by so fast a mere blur in the timeline of my life, but at the time, it seemed like it took forever. When they dismissed us, I immediately left to find my parents before the rush. Though it took a bit of searching, I did eventually find them in the giant wave of people that also had the same idea to get out early, I was happy seeing Noah beside them, crouched down talking to Joshua. My mom informed me that she liked Noah; I stopped myself from saying 'me too’ Instead, I helped my parents push their way to the big glass doors.

We all piled into my parents' SUV. Noah sat between Joshua and I. When we did finally arrive at the community center, (late I might add). I noticed that a few people had shown up already; a few Aunts and Uncles that I hardly ever saw, and friends that I'd known for what felt like forever. I smiled as my distant family marveled over ‘how big I've gotten’, and how I’m so grown up. I awkwardly caught up with some old friends, trying to make it seem as if I'd actually done anything of value. I also tried to subtly apologize for all but falling off of the map in the last few years. Somewhere along the line I lose sight of Noah, and if it weren't for me getting swept around, I would've looked for him. Kelly shows up later, closer to when we open gifts. She was sober like I'd suggested. "Where's Noah?" she asked, it was half in jest. "I don't know, I lost him a few hours ago." Saying it out loud made me realize that I really shouldn't have ditched him like that. I called him immediately on the phone, but he doesn't pick up. "I'll go look for him, you open presents." Kelly smiled, but she looked kind of worried. I was worried too,and it all but ruined my gift opening.

I noticed that there wasn't a gift here from Noah.

After they got the cake thing out of the way, I grabbed two pieces and made my way out the door. I didn't see Kelly or Noah, so I sat the cake down on a small table to call Kelly. She told me to come outside, so I did, (I actually jogged). I stopped immediately, Noah was singing and Kelly was playing guitar. It was my favorite song. I broke out into a huge smile, feeling like a giant dope with that grin on my face. I noticed that Noah had a bag beside him. As the song drew to a close, Kelly excused herself, shooting me a wink. I could've slapped her for putting me in this situation. I rubbed the back of my neck. My gaze found the ground like it had so many times before, "That was really nice of you." I said sitting beside him on the side of the fountain. "Only the best for my best friend; oh yeah, speaking of best friend, here" he hands me the bag. I open it, pulling out a small pink bracelet with a charm that says ' Kennedy & Noah, Best Friends Forever' it’s dorky and cliché and I love it for that reason. Noah shows me his wrist where he has the exact same bracelet, but in blue instead.

Don't ask me what came over me (I've chalked it up to the stars aligning perfectly to allow me to grow a pair) but I gripped the collar of Noah's button down and pulled him into me. I kissed him on the lips; it’s chaste and much too spontaneous for any sort of finesse. I pull away immediately, and Noah is blinking widely. "Looks like Kelly was right; a song was the way to go," Noah laughed that same light breathy chuckle that I loved. I kissed him again, a lot softer this time. I leaned into it, and ran my fingers along his scalp, when we broke the kiss. This time, we were both too breathless to speak. "Wow…" I said quietly. I'd been kissed before, but nothing had ever felt like that. I'd never understood what people meant when they said they saw fireworks. I'd never understood how one person could make anyone else's life complete, because we’re all humans and we all made mistakes, but then I understood.

Noah put his hand over mine and stroked his thumb over the top of my hand. I felt goose-bumps perk up all over. My eyes were getting fluttery and I just wanted to fuse myself to Noah and never separate from him. I wanted to inject him into my bloodstream and never be without that earthy cologne he wore, or the warmth that his skin radiated all the time. I wanted Noah, all of him in the most intimate yet none sexual way. "You still there, did I break you?" he whispered, smirking. I sighed, "Noah, I love you" I said it out loud. I hadn't meant to, and I wished I could just snatch those words out of the air and stuff them back into my throat, but it was too late. He'd already heard it, "Fuck, I'm sorry! I shouldn't have...” I stopped he wasn't saying anything. He was looking down and picking his nails again. What had I just done? "Kennedy you're leaving though. You'll meet guys in Michigan. Smarter, nicer, more attractive guys that have their shit together, ya know? I'm a stupid kid and you, you're just something else. Something better, and you deserve better than... a stupid asshole like me," Noah stopped. I shut my eyes tight. "Shut the fuck up," I said quietly. I kissed him again, this time with much more passion. He pulled away this time, "Kennedy, I mean it," he regained his composure.

"Listen Noah, if I wanted someone else, I would’ve fallen in love with someone else," It wasn't smooth by any means, but it was me. Was I ever good with words?

"There’s nothing about me that you couldn't find in another guy," Noah trailed off. It seemed like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince me.

"Where am I going to find a guy that makes my life worth living? A guy with caring brown eyes, and long knotted hair? A guy with a fucking smile that completely eradicates all the rain clouds, that dare to form in my brain? Where will I find a guy that'll go to the park with me and, not leave when I create a terrible silence? A guy that won't ditch me when I mistakenly make them think their an asshole? A guy that...that's perfect?" I stop. I was out of breath, my face was red and my whole body was clammy. My hands trembled. We made eye contact. He his eyes had teared up,

"Wow," is all he said, taking my face in his hands. We didn't kiss, he just looked at me. I wanted to look anywhere else; his gaze was much too intense for me to keep staring into. He wouldn't let me turn away.
"I love you too," he said it slowly; in a whisper so quiet I almost think I'm imagining the whole thing.

"I mean it," he said, and I know that I'll have to deal with the fact that I am leaving, and the possibility that he'll meet someone else.

The fear that he'll forget me, but I can't even think about any of that right then. "Hey party girl, the guests are looking for you," Kelly interrupted. I nodded slowly.

Noah intertwines his fingers with mine and I squeeze his hand, because I don't want him to ever let me go, no matter what.