Status: Complete
A Search for Paradise
2. Part of growing up is learning how to make your own happiness
I awoke the next day without a headache, leading me to believe that I didn't get near as drunk as I thought I did. However, I did feel pretty terrible having slept on a tile floor (I'm not sure when I decided that was a good idea) but I left immediately after I woke up, Everybody else was still asleep, interestingly enough I didn't see Noah, not that I was about to go through the whole house looking for him. I shrugged it off, slipping into my shoes and pulling open the door only to see Noah in the garage, not asleep, just sitting there. I could have said hi, or something, but I pretended not to see him. Not because I didn't like him, or anything. Just because that was my thing, seeing people I knew, then pretending not to see them to avoid saying something stupid. Noah never said anything to me, so I kept going out the open garage door and to my car which was parked on the curb. I regretted ignoring him immediately, but it was too late to fix that, so I put my car in drive and made my way home.
My parents were busy when I got home. It seems like they always were, I didn't bother saying hi and they didn't notice me until I was almost to the stairs, "Way to say hi honey," my mom called, I rolled my eyes. "Hi mom. Hi dad." That’s probably the only word I'd say to them for the rest of the day. I wish I'd smuggled the rest of that rum from the party.
I like to think I'm not a sad person. I maintain a reasonable level of emotion when I do acknowledge that they even exist, but sometimes I start thinking about my parents and how different things are now. I get a bit emotional; everything had always been about work, but not like this. I sighed, feeling that familiar ache in my chest, but part of growing up is learning how to make your own happiness, which for me meant bubble baths and food. I had considered doing both at the same time but after spilling egg into my bath water a few times before, I decided that I shouldn't risk it especially since I was trying to put myself in a good mood. I ran the bath water hot and sunk down into it up to my mouth, closing my eyes and letting the scent of chamomile relax me.
Though somewhere in between weighing the pros and cons of falling asleep in the bath, and thinking about what calorie filled recipe I wanted to try today, I ended up in left field thinking about Noah and his too big teeth and his warm eyes brown like hot chocolate and his long unruly hair. I didn't think about him long, before I bolted upright so fast I thought the world might stop spinning. It was a dramatic reaction and I felt stupid for even doing it, so I simply slid back into the water vowing not to think about Noah or anything pertaining to him in the slightest. In fact things would be easier if I just forgot that I even went to a party yesterday.
When I got out of the tub I fully believed that I'd forgotten the party. I slid into a pair of short-shorts and an over sized t-shirt. Halfway to the kitchen, I realized that I hadn't checked my phone. It was a stupid thought; nobody texted me that much, but it was just a force of habit to check my phone in the morning. I dug through my purse for my phone before I came to the realization I'd left my phone at the party. The party that I was trying to forget existed.
"Shit," I mumbled to myself, grabbing my keys and sprinting out the door. I knew Kelly had to work and if I showed up too late I probably wouldn't get my phone. I was on edge the whole drive there, I went over the speed limit by at least 15 mph. I sighed with relief when I saw that there were still people parked outside. I didn't want to think it, but it slipped through my filter. I wondered if Noah was still there, I did a good job of shutting that thought down before I could ponder it. I instead jumped out of my car and briskly made my way to the door busting in. Kelly was already baked again "You left your phone, here,” she motioned towards a drawer and I pulled it out, turning on my heels and running straight into Noah. You'd think I'd seen enough movies to play it cool and maybe twirl a bit of my hair and cutely say “Excuse me,” and sashay out the door, but instead I slid to the side and hauled ass to my car. A "Hello" probably would've been appropriate. I slammed my forehead into my steering wheel; that was the exact reason why I hadn't made any new friends since the fourth grade.
Funny enough Kelly was the exception, simply because she moved here last year and I was drawn to her. People always say girls are much more intimidating than guys, but honestly I find it way easier to talk to girls. It was even easier to talk to Kelly, especially when our math teacher sat us beside each other. Kelly is the type of girl that I always wanted to be, but couldn't. She's really into punk rock, she has short shaggy hair, and she's very personable. I hate that, mostly because I'm insanely jealous. At one point I was pretty personable too, and I could talk to anyone. I'm not really sure when that all changed. It's dumb though. I almost wish I had some sob story as to why I stopped having people skills, but I don't. It just happened.
I'm ripped away from my thoughts once again by some dumb ass that ran a red light. I should've plowed into him. My car was bigger than his anyway, but I screech to a stop and yell every combination of profanities like a true adult. That asshole running the light was actually a good thing in the end, because had he not done that, I wouldn't have noticed a brand new Taco Bell on the corner. Without even putting on my blinker, I veered into the parking lot, taking the title of bad driver from that asshole and pinning it on myself. Come on? It's Taco Bell, and I would much rather buy already prepared food than stand over a stove and cook for myself. I get four tacos and by the time I get home, I don't even have any food left, I just have wrappers that I throw into my already cluttered backseat. More stuff to annoy my little brother when my parents make me take him to school (though I don't see why his ass can't ride the bus like I did).
When I get home, I check my phone because though I could have done it while I was driving, I figured I'd already exasperated my asshole privileges for one day. I have one text from Kelly, which is strange, considering I was just at her house. Whatever she had to say, she could have very easily asked while I was standing in her damn kitchen, but I still open the text and read the message. "So Noah, hmm?" My heart almost stopped. Was I really being that obvious about it? I decide to play dumb "What about him?" I text back, trying to steady my breathing, it’s not like that it even matters. I could just stop breathing and die, my parents wouldn't find me until Monday when they come to ask if I'll take my little brother, Joshua, to school. They do this every Monday. My phone buzzes "Do you liiike him?" I laughed, I feel like I'm a 12 year old at a sleepover, playing truth or dare of some stupid shit like that. "No, I just like fucking with him", I text back hoping it makes me seem like some sort of bad-ass-heart-breaker, that dresses like a greaser and drives a black mustang. Then it occurs to me after I sent it, that I do in fact just sound like a huge piece of shit.
I vow to start trying to think about things before I say or do them. I hear a knock on the door; it's one of three people: my little brother, my mom, or my dad. Considering my parents haven't even been to this side of the house since last Monday. I decide it’s Joshua. "What?" I say bitterly. "Mom wants you," he says and runs away. I'm never sure why he runs, like if I open the door, a giant tentacle is going to grab him and drag him under the bed. I make my way to my parents’ office "Yeah?" I say hand on my hip leaning against the door frame "Can you take Joshua to a sleepover at Ryder's house?" my mom doesn't even look away from her computer, and I don't give an answer. I just leave the room and tell Joshua to come on or I'm not taking him, he's in the car in record speed complaining about the trash as always.
I wish my mom would've told me that Ryder's house was in the middle of bum-fuck Egypt, because maybe I would've declined. Too late, now I'm in the woods and all I've seen is trees for a good six and a half miles, and it’s too late to turn back. Finally, after what seems like years, I pull up the bumpy driveway and Joshua runs up to the house, leaving his overnight bag in my car. I get it and walk it up to the house (through the mud in the front yard in sandals). I knock on the door and leave the bag at the steps before returning to my car. I speed off as if I actually have anything to do. The good part about this sleepover is that Joshua will have to school tomorrow and I can indulge myself with a high-class breakfast from McDonalds.
My parents were busy when I got home. It seems like they always were, I didn't bother saying hi and they didn't notice me until I was almost to the stairs, "Way to say hi honey," my mom called, I rolled my eyes. "Hi mom. Hi dad." That’s probably the only word I'd say to them for the rest of the day. I wish I'd smuggled the rest of that rum from the party.
I like to think I'm not a sad person. I maintain a reasonable level of emotion when I do acknowledge that they even exist, but sometimes I start thinking about my parents and how different things are now. I get a bit emotional; everything had always been about work, but not like this. I sighed, feeling that familiar ache in my chest, but part of growing up is learning how to make your own happiness, which for me meant bubble baths and food. I had considered doing both at the same time but after spilling egg into my bath water a few times before, I decided that I shouldn't risk it especially since I was trying to put myself in a good mood. I ran the bath water hot and sunk down into it up to my mouth, closing my eyes and letting the scent of chamomile relax me.
Though somewhere in between weighing the pros and cons of falling asleep in the bath, and thinking about what calorie filled recipe I wanted to try today, I ended up in left field thinking about Noah and his too big teeth and his warm eyes brown like hot chocolate and his long unruly hair. I didn't think about him long, before I bolted upright so fast I thought the world might stop spinning. It was a dramatic reaction and I felt stupid for even doing it, so I simply slid back into the water vowing not to think about Noah or anything pertaining to him in the slightest. In fact things would be easier if I just forgot that I even went to a party yesterday.
When I got out of the tub I fully believed that I'd forgotten the party. I slid into a pair of short-shorts and an over sized t-shirt. Halfway to the kitchen, I realized that I hadn't checked my phone. It was a stupid thought; nobody texted me that much, but it was just a force of habit to check my phone in the morning. I dug through my purse for my phone before I came to the realization I'd left my phone at the party. The party that I was trying to forget existed.
"Shit," I mumbled to myself, grabbing my keys and sprinting out the door. I knew Kelly had to work and if I showed up too late I probably wouldn't get my phone. I was on edge the whole drive there, I went over the speed limit by at least 15 mph. I sighed with relief when I saw that there were still people parked outside. I didn't want to think it, but it slipped through my filter. I wondered if Noah was still there, I did a good job of shutting that thought down before I could ponder it. I instead jumped out of my car and briskly made my way to the door busting in. Kelly was already baked again "You left your phone, here,” she motioned towards a drawer and I pulled it out, turning on my heels and running straight into Noah. You'd think I'd seen enough movies to play it cool and maybe twirl a bit of my hair and cutely say “Excuse me,” and sashay out the door, but instead I slid to the side and hauled ass to my car. A "Hello" probably would've been appropriate. I slammed my forehead into my steering wheel; that was the exact reason why I hadn't made any new friends since the fourth grade.
Funny enough Kelly was the exception, simply because she moved here last year and I was drawn to her. People always say girls are much more intimidating than guys, but honestly I find it way easier to talk to girls. It was even easier to talk to Kelly, especially when our math teacher sat us beside each other. Kelly is the type of girl that I always wanted to be, but couldn't. She's really into punk rock, she has short shaggy hair, and she's very personable. I hate that, mostly because I'm insanely jealous. At one point I was pretty personable too, and I could talk to anyone. I'm not really sure when that all changed. It's dumb though. I almost wish I had some sob story as to why I stopped having people skills, but I don't. It just happened.
I'm ripped away from my thoughts once again by some dumb ass that ran a red light. I should've plowed into him. My car was bigger than his anyway, but I screech to a stop and yell every combination of profanities like a true adult. That asshole running the light was actually a good thing in the end, because had he not done that, I wouldn't have noticed a brand new Taco Bell on the corner. Without even putting on my blinker, I veered into the parking lot, taking the title of bad driver from that asshole and pinning it on myself. Come on? It's Taco Bell, and I would much rather buy already prepared food than stand over a stove and cook for myself. I get four tacos and by the time I get home, I don't even have any food left, I just have wrappers that I throw into my already cluttered backseat. More stuff to annoy my little brother when my parents make me take him to school (though I don't see why his ass can't ride the bus like I did).
When I get home, I check my phone because though I could have done it while I was driving, I figured I'd already exasperated my asshole privileges for one day. I have one text from Kelly, which is strange, considering I was just at her house. Whatever she had to say, she could have very easily asked while I was standing in her damn kitchen, but I still open the text and read the message. "So Noah, hmm?" My heart almost stopped. Was I really being that obvious about it? I decide to play dumb "What about him?" I text back, trying to steady my breathing, it’s not like that it even matters. I could just stop breathing and die, my parents wouldn't find me until Monday when they come to ask if I'll take my little brother, Joshua, to school. They do this every Monday. My phone buzzes "Do you liiike him?" I laughed, I feel like I'm a 12 year old at a sleepover, playing truth or dare of some stupid shit like that. "No, I just like fucking with him", I text back hoping it makes me seem like some sort of bad-ass-heart-breaker, that dresses like a greaser and drives a black mustang. Then it occurs to me after I sent it, that I do in fact just sound like a huge piece of shit.
I vow to start trying to think about things before I say or do them. I hear a knock on the door; it's one of three people: my little brother, my mom, or my dad. Considering my parents haven't even been to this side of the house since last Monday. I decide it’s Joshua. "What?" I say bitterly. "Mom wants you," he says and runs away. I'm never sure why he runs, like if I open the door, a giant tentacle is going to grab him and drag him under the bed. I make my way to my parents’ office "Yeah?" I say hand on my hip leaning against the door frame "Can you take Joshua to a sleepover at Ryder's house?" my mom doesn't even look away from her computer, and I don't give an answer. I just leave the room and tell Joshua to come on or I'm not taking him, he's in the car in record speed complaining about the trash as always.
I wish my mom would've told me that Ryder's house was in the middle of bum-fuck Egypt, because maybe I would've declined. Too late, now I'm in the woods and all I've seen is trees for a good six and a half miles, and it’s too late to turn back. Finally, after what seems like years, I pull up the bumpy driveway and Joshua runs up to the house, leaving his overnight bag in my car. I get it and walk it up to the house (through the mud in the front yard in sandals). I knock on the door and leave the bag at the steps before returning to my car. I speed off as if I actually have anything to do. The good part about this sleepover is that Joshua will have to school tomorrow and I can indulge myself with a high-class breakfast from McDonalds.