A Search for Paradise

The next day at lunch I was on edge. I knew that since Tanner sat with us today that Noah would probably be over here at some point or another. After my dream, I wasn't sure I could look him in the eye ever again without blushing furiously. I went about lunch as if I wasn't freaking out, but when lunch was almost over, I stupidly let my guard down. When I looked back up, I choked on my enchilada, hacking it back up onto my plate like some sort of old senile dog. Noah chuckled a bit at my misfortune, and it did make me feel a bit better about being absolutely disgusting.

However, I shouldn't have looked up again because when our eyes met every embarrassingly vivid detail of my dream was playing in front of me. "Hey," he said. I smiled "Hi," Wow; I actually acted like a functioning member of society for once. Thankfully that was the first and last word he said to me, which erased the possibility of me saying something dumb. Instead he talked about bands with Tanner, and he did act different than he did at the party. I'd noticed how he was different at school; he was loud and wild eyed like some sort of bushman, but I maybe thought it was kind of adorable. When the bell finally did ring for lunch to end, I was out of there and in the bathroom splashing water on my face like some deranged lunatic. Which I was starting to think might not be that far from true.

I left early, the school would inevitably call my parents and my parents wouldn't answer because they'd made me fill out my school paperwork and I'd put down a fake number and address. It made me feel like a bit of a genius, I decided to go to the park even though it brought back nostalgia from last year when I'd lost my virginity here. Either way, I was at the park eating chips that I kept from lunch. "Hey, what're you doing here?" a voice called from behind me. I whipped around so fast I probably got whip lash. When my eyes met, those eyes that I crooned over so much, my heart sped up. "Oh" was all I said. Noah made his way over to bench I was on. "I come here a lot," he said after I didn't answer the question that he initially asked. "Yeah me too, I lost my virginity here." Whoop! There it was, me speaking before the words even passed through my mind. You'd think I’d think about what I'd say in all of the awkward silences that I created, but I was too busy freaking out. "Not on this bench, I hope," he joked jabbing me in the rib with his elbow. "No" I stopped right there before it got into Mr. Hanley too much information zone.

"I think it's really pretty here and I'd want to lose my virginity here as well." I wasn't sure how to take that, at all. "Thanks," I said. Wow, that definitely wasn't the correct thing to say to that. "So you… don't think I'm like an asshole or anything?" Noah asked nervously. I raised and eyebrow, 'Well you don't cut me off when I'm driving, and make me drop my breakfast. You don't think you're too cool to talk to a loser like me, so no I don't think you're an asshole.' That’s not what I said. As if I could actually formulate a thought like that. Instead I said "We're all assholes, you know when babies are forming; the asshole is the first thing that forms." It fell out of my mouth like some sort of chunky split pea vomit, in the form of words. Noah scrunched up his eyebrows. I somehow had to fix this giant mess that I'd made.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. "I'm sorry," he said, and I could see he thought that I thought he was an asshole. Which wasn't true at all, the silence fell over us again like some terrible plague. I just looked off into the trees like I hadn't stared at the same ones a million times before. Silently I pleaded for him to say something so I could maybe bounce back from accidentally calling him an asshole, but what if he decided to stay the rest of the school day, which was roughly two hours. What would we even talk about if anything? "So Kelly threw a pretty good party," I managed to squeeze out and Noah nodded "Yeah she's cool." Damn it, I hoped the conversation might have lasted longer than that. I glanced at him to see he was watching the trees in a different direction, those brown eyes searching for any hint of movement that he might call out excitedly. I took an interest in his childlike fascination with the park, it was obvious from the way his mouth was slightly open and his eyes wide. Also not related, his hair was so disheveled almost like in my dream. I wished I could just erase from my mind so maybe I could actually return to normal life, instead of the life of a dog in heat, locked in a cage. Eventually the silence was too much to handle, "Do you like trees?" I asked. Yep, that was my deep intellectual question. Noah turned to face me and I shrunk back, I didn't mean to, it was habit. "Yeah, I really like nature and…" he stopped, and his eyes darted to a deer standing next to a tree. “Whoa," he said breathlessly. I wondered if that's how he'd sound if I kissed him stupid.

"Oh, god! It's almost time for 8th period. I have to go, bye Kennedy," he called. "Bye Noah." I called back. "It’s Phoenix," he corrected jokingly, jogging towards the main road. As soon as he was out of sight, I let out a frustrated groan, replaying ever stupid thing I said in that sad excuse for a conversation. "Shit, he probably thinks I think he’s an asshole," I mumbled to myself, trudging back to my car. I started home, but not before stopping to pick up some pot to hopefully numb the feelings that threatened to overtake me. Maybe I could somehow convince myself that I was overreacting about this whole entire thing, even though I wasn't.