Status: Complete
A Search for Paradise
8. Words can do wonders when used correctly
I realized when I got home that I had a crush, a terrible painful crush, on a cute boy with big brown eyes and a bubblegum smile, likes Taco Bell, and he doesn't think I'm a complete moron all the time. I'd held off as long as I could, but I just couldn't do it anymore. Call it my terrible will power, but I really should've just accepted it, when I first took an interest in him. I stayed in my car for a bit longer than usual, just hoping that maybe I could swallow this whole crush thing back down, like a big pill, but it was too late. I'd thought about it too much, about how I wonder how his fingers would feel intertwined with mine, and how all the girls would be jealous that I finally got the cute boy. Briefly, I thought about how he was 16 and I was 18, how that was quite the gap, but I didn't mind much. I mostly thought about how we could help each other, Noah had never explicitly said he had low self esteem, but it was apparent in small things that he did. Like covering his teeth when he smiled, or looking down and picking his nails when anybody focused on him for too long. I wondered if he knew he did these things, or if he'd been doing it so long that it was automatic. Then I wondered how many girlfriends he'd had, no doubt prettier than me, and though I wouldn't say I had issues with my appearance, I also wouldn't say I was all that special either. Other than a knack for being an idiot, I was a pretty standard human being.
My phone buzzed in the middle of my descent into self-loathing, it was Kelly blabbing addresses and times about some party which would include: her, some of her friends that dropped out, me (acting as if I belong there), and hopefully she’d invite Noah again. "Okay, I'll be there," I texted back. I wanted to ask about Noah, but I was really trying to keep this obnoxious crush situation on the down low. The party started at noon, which I thought was a bit early, but I wasn't complaining. I'd always thought it was weird how Kelly could just have a party so spontaneously. She was brief when she explained that her Dad's job required traveling often. We'd joked about how he was part of the mafia, but I'd never found out what he actually did. I never really cared I guess, either way I was glad that he traveled, because it gave me a chance to smoke some bud and drink alcohol for free, and though I wouldn't say I drank a lot, when it was around, I somehow I gravitated toward it.
The next time my phone buzzed, it was Noah asking if I was going. As hard as I tried to hide excitement, I broke out in a huge smile. I texted him back that I would indeed be there, and he sent back 'Sweet', it seemed to take years for noon to come around. As soon as it did, I was at Kelly's door with chips that I brought as a half-ass-thank-you, for the free pot. When I got in, Noah was the first person I saw, sprawled across the floor. I'd thought I was pretty early, but everyone was already here. We called this a party, but it was really just six people that got together to get burnt out. I made my way over to Noah; I really should've gone and gotten a drink or smoked first so that I didn't look like a giant desperate mess. Instead, I say hi and sit on the couch beside him. He's already high, and he's nursing what looks like Jack and Coke. When the joint gets around to me, I take two hits; I should've realized the potential situation.
I'm a cuddly person when I'm high, also the person I wanted to embrace, was here at this party.
I'm really not sure how I asked him to cuddle, but I ended up snuggled against him. My face was buried in his chest, and his arms around me. Our faces were close and he had this lopsided grin. I'm not sure if I even looked at him that long, but it felt like an eternity of just looking over his features with greedy eyes. My mind raced. I could've leaned in, about three inches and had my lips on his, but we were both gone. This didn't seem like anything strange. I note that Noah is a cuddly when drunk too. Perfect! We stay like that until we fall asleep, and the high wears off. When we do wake up, Noah tries to get up. Immediately he's all awkward, tangled limbs and frustrated grunts. By the terror in his eyes, I can tell that he thinks he has fucked up. "Stay," I mumble. I didn't mean to say it out loud. It was suppose to be a silent wish that never made it past my brain, but Noah becomes still, settling back in place, but he faces the other way this time. He’s put us in an awkward position, but I still put my head on his shoulder. Maybe I'm being too forward, that thought is intensified when Kelly sees us and starts to make remarks. Then all of her dropout-junky-friends are making remarks too. Suddenly, I'm getting up and I'm leaving.
Noah catches me before I leave, he doesn't say anything, just gets in the car and pulls out a cigarette. I wasn't aware until now, that he even smoked, I took him home; the ride is mostly peaceful. Noah says a few things and I respond a few times, I can still smell him on my skin; his warmth seems to be sticking to me. I think about how we were so close our faces almost touching, how his breath reeked of stale alcohol and something sweet, like candies. Of course having a crush on him, I thought the sun shined out of his ass. I'd tried to think about bad aspects of him, but I couldn't even come up with one thing.
Noah doesn't text me until late, I would've taken the Nyquil, and passed out, but part of me knew Noah would be awake. He'd text me, which lead me to believe I was actually getting more pathetic with this crush business. It wasn't just in my head after all. Either way he did text me, and we talked about how I was a giant dip-shit, and I hate how I fucked everything up. He told me he thought he was an asshole and nobody liked him for long, and how he didn't think there was anything special about him. Honestly, I was fully prepared to drive to his house, and pour out my guts about how I loved every inch of him inside and out, but instead I sent him a generic response knowing that shit wouldn't help it. It never does, but I had to say something. I reread his message again. I wasn't right about a lot of things in life, but when I'd said he had low self esteem, I was. But, did I honestly think I could help? No. He needed a dainty girl that had actual good advice, and not as many problems; someone less harsh, and hard to handle, as me. Someone that had their life in order, but if I knew one thing, it was that I was burnt out on life already. I chalked it up to being an old man in my past life, and swallowed down some Nyquil. It was really too late for that, and I should've done it much earlier.
I ended up regretting it in the morning, when I was dragging myself through the house, trying to get ready. I am lucky that I made it to school. I'm pretty sure I dozed off a few times while I was driving, which once again made me that asshole. I still made it a goal to meet Noah, and go to the park after 7th period. When we got to the bench, Noah was already talking. What I deciphered from his stuttering, was that he felt guilty about cuddling with me while he was drunk and high. He wanted to know if I would forgive him, and it took all of my will power to not just pull him into a kiss.
"I wanted to cuddle with you, Noah," I said simply and though that was a true statement, it isn't exactly what I had meant to say. That being said, it still seemed to put Noah's mind at ease. That had been the plan all along, "I hope my cuddling skills weren't disappointing," he winked. It was clearly a joking wink, but it ran all over me and I visibly shuddered. I was doing great at this 'being inconspicuous' thing. Thankfully I don't think he saw that. "About last night," he changed the subject, but it wasn't something I wanted to get into. I tensed "Yeah…" I said quietly, wondering if I just took of running, if he'd think I was an even bigger asshole.
"You know you don't fuck everything up right?" he asked. I would've lied and said yes, but it would've been pointless because he already knew the truth. I choose the bitch way out.
"You know people do like you?" I said and he shrugs once again.
"For a guy who knows so much, you sure do shrug a lot," I joked. He cracked a smile, the one that lights up his whole face. It occurred to me then and there, what words could do when used correctly.
My phone buzzed in the middle of my descent into self-loathing, it was Kelly blabbing addresses and times about some party which would include: her, some of her friends that dropped out, me (acting as if I belong there), and hopefully she’d invite Noah again. "Okay, I'll be there," I texted back. I wanted to ask about Noah, but I was really trying to keep this obnoxious crush situation on the down low. The party started at noon, which I thought was a bit early, but I wasn't complaining. I'd always thought it was weird how Kelly could just have a party so spontaneously. She was brief when she explained that her Dad's job required traveling often. We'd joked about how he was part of the mafia, but I'd never found out what he actually did. I never really cared I guess, either way I was glad that he traveled, because it gave me a chance to smoke some bud and drink alcohol for free, and though I wouldn't say I drank a lot, when it was around, I somehow I gravitated toward it.
The next time my phone buzzed, it was Noah asking if I was going. As hard as I tried to hide excitement, I broke out in a huge smile. I texted him back that I would indeed be there, and he sent back 'Sweet', it seemed to take years for noon to come around. As soon as it did, I was at Kelly's door with chips that I brought as a half-ass-thank-you, for the free pot. When I got in, Noah was the first person I saw, sprawled across the floor. I'd thought I was pretty early, but everyone was already here. We called this a party, but it was really just six people that got together to get burnt out. I made my way over to Noah; I really should've gone and gotten a drink or smoked first so that I didn't look like a giant desperate mess. Instead, I say hi and sit on the couch beside him. He's already high, and he's nursing what looks like Jack and Coke. When the joint gets around to me, I take two hits; I should've realized the potential situation.
I'm a cuddly person when I'm high, also the person I wanted to embrace, was here at this party.
I'm really not sure how I asked him to cuddle, but I ended up snuggled against him. My face was buried in his chest, and his arms around me. Our faces were close and he had this lopsided grin. I'm not sure if I even looked at him that long, but it felt like an eternity of just looking over his features with greedy eyes. My mind raced. I could've leaned in, about three inches and had my lips on his, but we were both gone. This didn't seem like anything strange. I note that Noah is a cuddly when drunk too. Perfect! We stay like that until we fall asleep, and the high wears off. When we do wake up, Noah tries to get up. Immediately he's all awkward, tangled limbs and frustrated grunts. By the terror in his eyes, I can tell that he thinks he has fucked up. "Stay," I mumble. I didn't mean to say it out loud. It was suppose to be a silent wish that never made it past my brain, but Noah becomes still, settling back in place, but he faces the other way this time. He’s put us in an awkward position, but I still put my head on his shoulder. Maybe I'm being too forward, that thought is intensified when Kelly sees us and starts to make remarks. Then all of her dropout-junky-friends are making remarks too. Suddenly, I'm getting up and I'm leaving.
Noah catches me before I leave, he doesn't say anything, just gets in the car and pulls out a cigarette. I wasn't aware until now, that he even smoked, I took him home; the ride is mostly peaceful. Noah says a few things and I respond a few times, I can still smell him on my skin; his warmth seems to be sticking to me. I think about how we were so close our faces almost touching, how his breath reeked of stale alcohol and something sweet, like candies. Of course having a crush on him, I thought the sun shined out of his ass. I'd tried to think about bad aspects of him, but I couldn't even come up with one thing.
Noah doesn't text me until late, I would've taken the Nyquil, and passed out, but part of me knew Noah would be awake. He'd text me, which lead me to believe I was actually getting more pathetic with this crush business. It wasn't just in my head after all. Either way he did text me, and we talked about how I was a giant dip-shit, and I hate how I fucked everything up. He told me he thought he was an asshole and nobody liked him for long, and how he didn't think there was anything special about him. Honestly, I was fully prepared to drive to his house, and pour out my guts about how I loved every inch of him inside and out, but instead I sent him a generic response knowing that shit wouldn't help it. It never does, but I had to say something. I reread his message again. I wasn't right about a lot of things in life, but when I'd said he had low self esteem, I was. But, did I honestly think I could help? No. He needed a dainty girl that had actual good advice, and not as many problems; someone less harsh, and hard to handle, as me. Someone that had their life in order, but if I knew one thing, it was that I was burnt out on life already. I chalked it up to being an old man in my past life, and swallowed down some Nyquil. It was really too late for that, and I should've done it much earlier.
I ended up regretting it in the morning, when I was dragging myself through the house, trying to get ready. I am lucky that I made it to school. I'm pretty sure I dozed off a few times while I was driving, which once again made me that asshole. I still made it a goal to meet Noah, and go to the park after 7th period. When we got to the bench, Noah was already talking. What I deciphered from his stuttering, was that he felt guilty about cuddling with me while he was drunk and high. He wanted to know if I would forgive him, and it took all of my will power to not just pull him into a kiss.
"I wanted to cuddle with you, Noah," I said simply and though that was a true statement, it isn't exactly what I had meant to say. That being said, it still seemed to put Noah's mind at ease. That had been the plan all along, "I hope my cuddling skills weren't disappointing," he winked. It was clearly a joking wink, but it ran all over me and I visibly shuddered. I was doing great at this 'being inconspicuous' thing. Thankfully I don't think he saw that. "About last night," he changed the subject, but it wasn't something I wanted to get into. I tensed "Yeah…" I said quietly, wondering if I just took of running, if he'd think I was an even bigger asshole.
"You know you don't fuck everything up right?" he asked. I would've lied and said yes, but it would've been pointless because he already knew the truth. I choose the bitch way out.
"You know people do like you?" I said and he shrugs once again.
"For a guy who knows so much, you sure do shrug a lot," I joked. He cracked a smile, the one that lights up his whole face. It occurred to me then and there, what words could do when used correctly.