Status: Complete
A Search for Paradise
9. Get emotional sometimes because it'll be worse if you let it build up
When I got home I went straight to my room trying to conceal my happiness, and overall I was proud of myself for the conversation I'd had. I closed the door and smiled sliding down the door onto the floor. Noah was just perfect, but I didn't stay in dream land long. I noticed a white envelope beside me on the floor. I picked it up and my heart sank. Nothing like a little white envelope to pull me back into the harsh reality,
it was from Michigan State University, my first choice school.
I ripped the envelope halfway open, hoping that it was a rejection. Before I met Noah, I didn't have a reason to stay in this town. I had friends, but none that I would stay here for. My hands were shaking as I unfolded the envelope. Acceptance never hurt this much. I feel overwhelmed with emotions, none of them good. I think about Noah moving on, and forgetting I ever existed. I decide that I'll wait until morning to tell my parents. I take a double dose of Nyquil, and ultimately decide that I'll wait until morning to deal with any of this. I fall asleep on the floor at 6 p.m. and my alarm wakes me up at 6 a.m. Ignoring the general shitty feeling I had from the Nyquil, and focusing on the fact that I'd be leaving in roughly one month, I regretted ever meeting Noah and ever falling irreversibly in love with him. There I said it, I am in love with him and there was no denying that anymore.
I make my way into my parents’ office; they hardly noticed I was there. "I got into Michigan State" I announced, they both turn around wide eyed with smiles on their faces. This is the most attention I'd gotten from them in months. It almost made me wish I did honorable things more often. They both hugged me and my mom declared that she would be cooking a home cooked meal today. I felt a bit better, but when I got to school and I saw Noah exuberantly waving at me. My heart sinks into my stomach again. I'd have to tell him that I was moving. I hadn't google’d how many miles it was, but Florida to Michigan was far , I knew that much. I grabbed his elbow before he passed me in the hall. He brushed a strand of hair away from his face "Do you really want to go to school today?" I asked. It's not something I'd usually say, and not something that I'd usually do either; but my days with Noah were now numbered and I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. I was hoping that maybe I could burn every inch of him into my memory, "Umm... not particularly, no" he composed himself from the initial shock.
He asked me why I was doing this once we got in the car. I figured I'd tell him now, rather than wait (as if I could've waited any longer). "I got accepted into a college" I blurt. Noah smiles wide "Congratulations are you going to community college here? Or?" he stopped and his smile faded. I'm sure the look on my face gave it away. "Michigan State…" I said quietly. "Oh" he said, and his voice had a different ring to it now.”I guess that means no more park days." he said sadly, and I nod. If I were bolder, I would've kissed him right then and there and spilled everything, but I didn't. Later on, at home I regretted it.
I didn't have anything to lose. The worst thing that could happen was that Noah was uninterested, but when I thought about it, that was the worst thing that could happen in the whole world; aside from getting in a car wreck and accidentally killing him. I smoked that night and I took some pain pills until I couldn't feel my body. I hardly noticed that I was crying, not even eating a home cooked meal and having an actual conversation with my parents made me feel better. The luggage they bought me definitely didn't help; in fact I would've caught it on fire if I could feel my legs. When my phone lights up I don't even attempt to grab for it, I simply roll over and fall asleep again.
Trying to forget the pain with pills and weed worked out fine until I made a dumbass mistake that landed me on suicide watch at the hospital. I could hear my parents crying outside of the door, and as terrible as it was I rolled my eyes. My little brother was in the room with me. He had a worried expression on his face "You alright?" he asked. I just nodded, I was fine. I wasn't even sure how many pills I'd taken. You could say I'd built up quite the tolerance to hydrocodone pills, and honestly overdosing hadn't really occurred to me. I asked Joshua where my phone was, he pointed to a small inn table next to me before leaving me by myself to join my parents in the hall. I grabbed it and see I had 3 texts all from Noah. I liked to think he would've been there if he'd known. "Where are you?" was his latest text. I spilled the truth; it was difficult to lie to a person like Noah. It wasn’t long before my phone was vibrating. It was a phone call
"Hello?” I answered.
"Are you alright?" Noah's nearly hysterical and I wonder how it must look to everyone at school watching him. I cringe,
"Yeah, I'm fine. I'll be out soon," I say hoping to convince him.
"I didn't know about the pills, I thought you just smoked weed," Noah's voice cracked and I almost wished I'd made up a lie to avoid hurting him. It was comforting to know he cared though.
"I did," I said truthfully. The pill thing hadn't gone into full effect until after I found out about college. That being said, I had full plans to flush the rest of them as soon as I got home.
"What happened? Did somebody do something?" Noah sounded angry now.
"No. No, it wasn't anything like that, it was an accident," I remind him. He sighed
"Please be careful Kennedy?" he said. I can tell he's crying now, a feeling of guilt washed over me.
"I'm done with pills," I promise him. When the nurse finally tells me I can leave, I see my parents outside of the door. They look at me like I'm some sort of nutcase.
"Kennedy, honey," they say in unison hugging me. My mom starts crying again. When we all pile into their car the silence is suffocating. "Honey did we do something?" My mom asks suddenly. I groaned, "No, it was an accident, okay?" I snapped. I felt bad about it almost instantly. Nobody said anything else to me, but when I get home, I notice that my door is gone. It took me counting to ten a few times, before I can calmly find my parents and ask them what the fuck happened to my door. I gritted my teeth as they explain that they don't want anymore accidents. Then I started shouting that I need privacy. Somewhere along the line, I start crying; sobbing actually. All of the built up feelings that I'd suppressed with food and bathing were coming out and I felt my knees buckle and I hit the ground with a thud, my hands coming up to cover my face. My parents surrounded me, they hugged me and I accept their embrace rather than pulling away.
Moments like these are why I hate emotions.
I finally stopped crying (more like my eyes stop producing tears) and I make my way back to my door-less room, falling onto my bed. My phone lit up, it’s a long text. Noah told me about how he'd tried to kill himself a few times. He tells me that he still hates himself, but he knows that he has purpose and he tells me to hold on. I feel bad, someone as perfect as Noah shouldn't ever feel like they weren't worth the space. I told him that I'm glad he’s alive, because he's my best friend and he told me the same. I go to sleep sober, with a smile on my face for the first time in weeks.
it was from Michigan State University, my first choice school.
I ripped the envelope halfway open, hoping that it was a rejection. Before I met Noah, I didn't have a reason to stay in this town. I had friends, but none that I would stay here for. My hands were shaking as I unfolded the envelope. Acceptance never hurt this much. I feel overwhelmed with emotions, none of them good. I think about Noah moving on, and forgetting I ever existed. I decide that I'll wait until morning to tell my parents. I take a double dose of Nyquil, and ultimately decide that I'll wait until morning to deal with any of this. I fall asleep on the floor at 6 p.m. and my alarm wakes me up at 6 a.m. Ignoring the general shitty feeling I had from the Nyquil, and focusing on the fact that I'd be leaving in roughly one month, I regretted ever meeting Noah and ever falling irreversibly in love with him. There I said it, I am in love with him and there was no denying that anymore.
I make my way into my parents’ office; they hardly noticed I was there. "I got into Michigan State" I announced, they both turn around wide eyed with smiles on their faces. This is the most attention I'd gotten from them in months. It almost made me wish I did honorable things more often. They both hugged me and my mom declared that she would be cooking a home cooked meal today. I felt a bit better, but when I got to school and I saw Noah exuberantly waving at me. My heart sinks into my stomach again. I'd have to tell him that I was moving. I hadn't google’d how many miles it was, but Florida to Michigan was far , I knew that much. I grabbed his elbow before he passed me in the hall. He brushed a strand of hair away from his face "Do you really want to go to school today?" I asked. It's not something I'd usually say, and not something that I'd usually do either; but my days with Noah were now numbered and I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. I was hoping that maybe I could burn every inch of him into my memory, "Umm... not particularly, no" he composed himself from the initial shock.
He asked me why I was doing this once we got in the car. I figured I'd tell him now, rather than wait (as if I could've waited any longer). "I got accepted into a college" I blurt. Noah smiles wide "Congratulations are you going to community college here? Or?" he stopped and his smile faded. I'm sure the look on my face gave it away. "Michigan State…" I said quietly. "Oh" he said, and his voice had a different ring to it now.”I guess that means no more park days." he said sadly, and I nod. If I were bolder, I would've kissed him right then and there and spilled everything, but I didn't. Later on, at home I regretted it.
I didn't have anything to lose. The worst thing that could happen was that Noah was uninterested, but when I thought about it, that was the worst thing that could happen in the whole world; aside from getting in a car wreck and accidentally killing him. I smoked that night and I took some pain pills until I couldn't feel my body. I hardly noticed that I was crying, not even eating a home cooked meal and having an actual conversation with my parents made me feel better. The luggage they bought me definitely didn't help; in fact I would've caught it on fire if I could feel my legs. When my phone lights up I don't even attempt to grab for it, I simply roll over and fall asleep again.
Trying to forget the pain with pills and weed worked out fine until I made a dumbass mistake that landed me on suicide watch at the hospital. I could hear my parents crying outside of the door, and as terrible as it was I rolled my eyes. My little brother was in the room with me. He had a worried expression on his face "You alright?" he asked. I just nodded, I was fine. I wasn't even sure how many pills I'd taken. You could say I'd built up quite the tolerance to hydrocodone pills, and honestly overdosing hadn't really occurred to me. I asked Joshua where my phone was, he pointed to a small inn table next to me before leaving me by myself to join my parents in the hall. I grabbed it and see I had 3 texts all from Noah. I liked to think he would've been there if he'd known. "Where are you?" was his latest text. I spilled the truth; it was difficult to lie to a person like Noah. It wasn’t long before my phone was vibrating. It was a phone call
"Hello?” I answered.
"Are you alright?" Noah's nearly hysterical and I wonder how it must look to everyone at school watching him. I cringe,
"Yeah, I'm fine. I'll be out soon," I say hoping to convince him.
"I didn't know about the pills, I thought you just smoked weed," Noah's voice cracked and I almost wished I'd made up a lie to avoid hurting him. It was comforting to know he cared though.
"I did," I said truthfully. The pill thing hadn't gone into full effect until after I found out about college. That being said, I had full plans to flush the rest of them as soon as I got home.
"What happened? Did somebody do something?" Noah sounded angry now.
"No. No, it wasn't anything like that, it was an accident," I remind him. He sighed
"Please be careful Kennedy?" he said. I can tell he's crying now, a feeling of guilt washed over me.
"I'm done with pills," I promise him. When the nurse finally tells me I can leave, I see my parents outside of the door. They look at me like I'm some sort of nutcase.
"Kennedy, honey," they say in unison hugging me. My mom starts crying again. When we all pile into their car the silence is suffocating. "Honey did we do something?" My mom asks suddenly. I groaned, "No, it was an accident, okay?" I snapped. I felt bad about it almost instantly. Nobody said anything else to me, but when I get home, I notice that my door is gone. It took me counting to ten a few times, before I can calmly find my parents and ask them what the fuck happened to my door. I gritted my teeth as they explain that they don't want anymore accidents. Then I started shouting that I need privacy. Somewhere along the line, I start crying; sobbing actually. All of the built up feelings that I'd suppressed with food and bathing were coming out and I felt my knees buckle and I hit the ground with a thud, my hands coming up to cover my face. My parents surrounded me, they hugged me and I accept their embrace rather than pulling away.
Moments like these are why I hate emotions.
I finally stopped crying (more like my eyes stop producing tears) and I make my way back to my door-less room, falling onto my bed. My phone lit up, it’s a long text. Noah told me about how he'd tried to kill himself a few times. He tells me that he still hates himself, but he knows that he has purpose and he tells me to hold on. I feel bad, someone as perfect as Noah shouldn't ever feel like they weren't worth the space. I told him that I'm glad he’s alive, because he's my best friend and he told me the same. I go to sleep sober, with a smile on my face for the first time in weeks.