From the Beginning

"Since I was young, I had a great life; great parents, friends, grades. The only thing that struggled with was my weight. As the years went by, I noticed it more and more which put me into a depressive state. The summer before 8th grade, I decided to change. I ate less and played volleyball 5 times a week. I achieved my normal weight by graduation and finally felt happy. My struggle that I had dealt with since basically birth was over. I was so proud of my new body, it gave me so much confidence. My first year of high school made me feel like I was on top of the world. I had great grades, a great boyfriend, a good look, great friends. I was a leader; not only on the volleyball court but in life. Everything came tumbling down the summer before my sophomore year. As time progressed that year, I felt a pain when I moved all over my body, It felt like if I had worked out for the first time in my life. I didn't think much about it until it hurt when I wrote. I told my parents and scheduled a doctors appointment. I found out I had Juvenile Arthritis. I had no idea a 15 year old could get arthritis. I got put on medication and went on with my life. As time progressed I noticed that the pain had not gone away fully. I still really hurt, sometimes I couldn't even get out of bed. I had to quit volleyball and throw away my dream of playing in college. Quitting the sport I loved, made me gain weight. The nightmares of being over weight slowly came back and I was so stressed, it made me a bit depressed. About a year passed, I had tried different medications, but none of them made me fell somewhat ok. That's when I got more tests done and I was diagnosed with Lupus Arthritis. My first reaction was: What the hell is that? The dictionary definition I got was: Lupus is an autoimmune disease where the body's immune system becomes hyperactive and attacks normal, healthy tissue. This results in symptoms such as inflammation, swelling, and damage to joints, skin, kidneys, blood, the heart, and lungs. I was scared for my life. I never thought that my life could be in danger, constantly. They put me on prednisone. This drug worked miracles. I could feel the difference over night. As time went by I noticed rapid changes in my body. I had gained a lot of weight, I had developed a lot of bruises, my hair was falling out, I was a lot of stretch marks all over my body and my face was turning very round. I blamed myself for all these changes and fell into deep depression. I had gone from a happy leader to feeling worthless. I hated myself. I later found out that even though prednisone was helping me, it had horrible side affects. Prednisone retains water weight, makes your skin very thin, makes you crave food all the time, makes your hair fall out, and give you what is called the prednisone face. At this point I knew it wasn't my fault but I still blamed myself. Every day I would wake up a see a new bruise or a new stretch mark and feel disgusted with myself. I also had 2 times where I almost died. It was scary as hell. I hated that this way my life and it was going to stay that way until I died. My life had turned into needles, doctors visits, pills, hurt, and depression. The stretch marks made me so insecure. It looked like a tiger had clawed me all over. I hid under clothes and didn't even go to prom because I couldn't find a dress to cover up my scars. I pushed myself away from everyone, including my family. I didn't really tell my friends what was happening in my life. I would cry all the time thinking that a 17 year old should not feel this way. My parents finally intervened and took me to therapy and lupus support groups. This made me tell my friends and close ones about my problem. They all reassured me and said I was beautiful. It made me feel a bit better and helped me lose some weight and feel better about myself. Also my doctor started telling me that I was going to try to get of prednisone. I took over a year, but slowly I got off of it and switched to other medications. After senior year, I got 3 operations to reduced the scarification and other things I finally looked somewhat normal. My life got better. I'm still on a lot of medication and I still have scars and I still have to deal with a lot of needles and doctors, but it's way better than the first years."
I finished and Darren just stared at me. I looked down and saw that his hand was still intertwined in mine. At this point I had tears running down my cheeks. He put his finger under my chin and lifted it up so my eyes would meet his.
"I'm so sorry you had to go through that." He said and pulled me into a hug. He held me there for what seemed forever and I just let everything out. Darren had become one of those people in my life. He was important enough to tell him my story and he accepted me.