Don't Let Me Go

9/3/1995
Dear Diary,
Nothing will ever be the same, that’s what mommy told me. Andrew’s gone, I will never see him again. It was easier for me than expected to comprehend the death of my brother but that didn’t make it any less horrible on me. It feels like half of me died with him, more than that, all of my memories include him. Life is tainted now. Mom’s right nothing will ever be the same. I’m different now.
Adelaide, 11

9/13/1995
Dear Diary,
A man came to the house today, he’s unlike any man I’ve ever met. He asked me about Andrew, he said “I’m sorry if it’s difficult to talk about but can you answer me some questions about your older brother?” Little did he know I had not stopped thinking about Andrew, I couldn’t. If I did, I’d feel even worse.
-Adelaide, 11

9/14/1995
Dear Diary,
Mommy just woke me up say it’s time for school. She had been crying I could tell, the signs are something I had been seeing a lot more frequently on my mom’s face. There was also blood on her hands, she was frazzled and dazed, I mean it was three in the morning on Saturday. Seeing her face made me cry. I did the only thing I could think of, I called the man; Bobby. He’s taking care of mommy now, he thinks I’m asleep but I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again. Mommy’s face is burned in my head.
Adelaide, 11

9/20/1995
Dear Diary,
Bobby has taken me away from mommy. He says I’m not safe with her right now. Why? I was safe with her before. I kept asking questions until he gave into me, rattling off words I had never heard before. It’s related to Andrew’s death, that much is obvious. It seems that that day will never stop running my life.
Adelaide, 11

9/28/1995
Dear Diary,
Bobby told mommy and me, that he killed what killed Andrew. That was no rest for mommy though. She nodded, hearing his name still hurt her, that was clear. But she put on a strong face, for me I think. The next day, she packed up our house, my home, shoving me into the car without a second thought. I don’t know where we’re going. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel at home again.
Adelaide, 11

12/4/1995
Dear Diary,
Today’s my birthday, it may be the saddest day of them all.
Adelaide, 12

12/9/1995
Dear Diary,
The only good thing about this move, is that nothing reminds me of Andrew. That doesn’t stop me for doing everything for him.
Adelaide, 12

12/25/1995
Dear Diary,
Mommy didn’t come home today. I don’t know where she went or what she did. She left me alone, that’s the worst thing she could do today. It’s a great christmas present for a 12 year old, truly. But then again, I don’t really feel like celebrating anything, not alone.
Adelaide, 12

1/17/1996
Dear Diary,
The new normal, that's what everything is now.
Mom doesn't come home a lot and when she does; she drinks, cries and screams drew's name. It makes it hard to get passed what happened even if I wanted too.
The kids make fun of me. They make fun of my mom. They see me cry, they don’t care. They make up things about my family. Kids are cruel, that’s not new.
Books are my only escape, my old hobby had become my new necessity to live. While I was reading, for a second I could forget my brother was murdered, I could forget that my mom was gone even when she was here, I could forget that not one liked me. For a second, I could be someone other than me. I could be powerful, brave, loved, smart, and outgoing, I could be anything I wanted because who would want to be me.
Adelaide, 12

4/6/1999
Dear Diary,
I am driven, it’s all I am now. I have to get out of this life. No one should have to live through the bullying, the loneliness, the hunger, the emptiness of where a brother, mother, father and friend should be. I have books, but they’re not going anywhere.
I have to get away, soon.
Harvard is the dream.
Adelaide, 15

2/20/2000
Dear Diary,
I got in, full ride. This is the happiest I’ve been in a really long time. I can finally see myself living the life I deserve. My fairy tale is about to begin. ‘bout time.
Adelaide, 16

3/14/2000
Dear Diary,
She’s gone, for real. She didn’t leave, her soul did. She is lifeless. I hurts to see her like this because my whole life flashes before my eyes through her cold expression. It plays on a loop. I don’t want to go back.
Adelaide, 16

5/1/2000
Dear Diary,
I haven’t told mother yet. I don’t think she can handle it. But I don’t think she will comprehend it either. Or she hears everything I say and she’ll get worse at the idea that the only person she has left is leaving her.
It’s hard to care when she left me to fend for myself after my brother died. Now, it’s about my health, my well being, my life.
Adelaide, 16

5/3/2000
Dear Diary,
I told her all she could was nod. That hurt more than anything she could have done.
Adelaide, 16

5/5/2000
Dear Diary,
Decision Day, my decisions made. I’m leaving for Harvard as soon as possible. No remorse. No regrets.
Adelaide, 16

8/17/2000
Dear Diary,
Just being here is like nothing I’ve ever felt. Just being in the city gives me a feeling a self and being. I can forget about my sorrows and live my life as a choose. I have to live the life Andrew would have wanted for me. I have to live the life my old mother would have encouraged. I can do that here.
Adelaide, 16

8/20/2000
Dear Diary,
Dani is something else. She likes me. I didn’t have to lie to her, I don’t have to hid my past. Somehow she just gets it. She says “the loneliest people are the kindest. the saddest people smile the brightest. the most damaged people are filled with wisdom. All because they do not wish the pain they've endured on another soul. That’s you and don’t let it stop you.” She does get it.
Adelaide, 16

8/27/2000
Dear Diary,
School Starts soon and I’ve never been more excited.
Adelaide, 16

9/10/2000
Dear Diary,
Schools amazing, it honestly is. It’s hard and I’m academically challenged for once in my life. I can actually feel my brain working for once. It helps with it all, everything.
Besides school, Dani keeps my busy with the outside world. She’s a very social girl and I enjoy just being with her. She found it hard to believe that I’ve never been kissed, let alone really talked to a boy. She says it’s her mission to get me kissed but that was before she saw me interact with the male gender. Interacting with them is like being back in high school. It’s a jungle and I really want no part of it. But I’ll humor Dani.
Adelaide, 16

10/11/2000
Dear Diary,
Bobby showed up today. I was more than surprised when I saw him in our dorm doorway. He was panting, he looked frazzled.
“I thought you were gone.” Those words were enough to make me crumble.
&&
We walked around campus, I showed him my new life, my life. Someone in my life finally looked at me like they were proud of me. I loved Bobby. He was all the head figures a girl could ask for.
Adelaide, 16

12/4/2000
Dear Diary,
Dani threw me a party, it’s my first birthday party in years and I am quite please with my self. She invite people from her classes, people from my classes, our dorm. People talked to me freely, they had fun, I had fun.
I took a shot for Andrew. I took a shot for mother. I took a shot for myself. Third one’s the charm.
Adelaide, 17

12/10/2000
Dear Diary,
I’m going to Bobby’s for winter break, he doesn’t exactly know yet. Dani’s giving me a ride there, it’s on the way to own home. She invited me to come with her. She is dreading being away as much as I am.
Adelaide, 17

12/30/2000
Dear Diary,
Bobby was really happy to see me, he had a bad case that he just wanted to forget it seemed. I can relate to that. Bobby has seen worse then me and felt worse than me. He keeps my humble. He says I make him humble, that I’ve given him an aspect of this life he never thought he would have. I am the daughter role to his father role.
Adelaide, 17

1/7/2001
Dear Diary,
Bobby has called me everyday. I think he wants to make it a long term thing but I’ve become to enjoy them. He tells me about cases and I tell him about lore I’ve been learning in my classes and such. It seems to help us both.
Adelaide, 17

5/30/2001
Dear Diary,
ROAD TRIP!
Dani loves writing and the time period in between the summer and fall semesters have her going stir crazy. So I’m giving her something to write about.
ROADTRIP!
Adelaide, 17

7/2/2001
Dear Diary,
We’ve been on the road for over a month and I’m still not tired of it. Everyday's an adventure. I honestly never had this much fun. Just straight fun all the time. It’s my childhood, summers and spring breaks all combined.
Adelaide, 17

8/4/2001
Dear Diary,
Our education has dragged us back to Boston. When I told Bobby he was more than happy, he liked it better when I was a constant. I get that constants are all me and Bobby have.
Adelaide, 17

8/9/2001
Dear Diary,
Today is mother’s birthday, Bobby and I are going to visit her. I don’t want to, I wanted Dani to come but Bobby told me no. This was our thing, kinda a sucky thing.
Adelaide, 17

10/1/2001
Dear Diary,
I met a boy today. Well I didn’t really met him. He’s a hunter, like Bobby. Dean’s his name. Bobby, him and his brother need my help, or generally my expertise on everything supernatural. I like helping them, It’s like a pop quiz. I always pass with flying colors.
Adelaide, 17

12/4/2001
Dear Diary,
Sam, calls me almost as much as Bobby does. I don’t think he’ll ever admit to Dean that having me a call away makes his job a lot easier, at least the research part of it. Today he called to say Happy Birthday to me, I was overjoyed. I heard Dean on Sam’s side, I recognize his voice anywhere now.
“Sammie, who are you on the phone with?”
“ugh, Addie.”
“What’s the date?”
“ugh, December, 4th.”
“Addie?” It was Dean’s voice on the phone then.
“Dean?”
“Happy Birthday.” He hung open a second later.
I think I will remember the exchange forever.
Adelaide, 18

12/29/2001
Dear Diary,
I went with Dani this time. Bobby was on a hunt with Sam and Dean.
Dani’s family was just like her and it was just as easy to be around them as it was her. They welcomed me with open arms. But I couldn’t help but wonder what Bobby was up to, I hadn’t heard from any of them since Bobby canceled on me.
I would be more worried, but Bobby told me not to be. I trust him.
Adelaide, 18

1/1/2002
Dear Diary,
Dani had something planned for last night, I knew it going in. But when she had me chatting up every suitable guy willy nilly, it took a lot more out of me than expected. The whole time I was wishing I was talking to Dean or Sam. Talking to them wasn’t like other boys. Not because we knew each others background stories to the tee, but because they talked to me like a normal human and not an encyclopedia. I actually can feel myself getting dumber in the presence of other boys. Sam and Dean were the only ones worth my time these days. They both reminded me of Andrew in their own way. I think he would have liked them.

Adelaide, 18