Won't Go Home Without You

Moving to St. Louis was a huge change for me. Granted, I had my brother, Chris Stewart, who lived there and played for the St. Louis Blues. My brother is a year older than I am. Him being 25 and me, Elizabeth, being 24. Growing up in Toronto obviously made him a great hockey player and me a great fan. Growing up, my brother was always there for me throughout every heartbreak and he supported me in everything I did. I guess growing up with him and all his hockey player friends is what made me who I am.

I'm not an over-the-top girly girl, but I'm also not a tomboy. I believe I'm a good balance between both. I get dressed up and act like a lady when the occasion calls for it, but I can also hold my own drinking beers with the boys and watching hockey. I think growing up around hockey and Chris and all his “tough hockey player friends” is what molded me into who I am today. I’ve had my share of boyfriends, but many of them made me feel shitty after that, and I didn’t like that.

I was 22 when I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half, Mike. I thought he was the one, but I guess I was obviously wrong. He was emotionally abusive I realized after we broke up. I guess he was the one who really ruined relationships for me. I never wanted to feel that shitty again, and I figured that not being in a relationship would keep me happy. After I broke up with him was when I moved to St. Louis. I didn’t want to be in Toronto anymore and see him so Chris offered me a place to stay with him. I gladly accepted.

Chris and his teammates took me to a bar on my 23rd birthday and that’s the first time I hooked up with TJ Oshie. That boy’s cocky smirk did me in every time. We were both pretty drunk and I guess it just happened. I don’t remember even how we ended up together. I remember flirting with Patrick Berglund, the hot swede, and then I remember TJ pulling me out onto the dance floor and the next thing I remembered was waking up in his bed. We were both awkward in the morning and we chalked it up to being drunk. We both would obviously hang out together with the team. But then TJ would start texting me after they had a hard loss and would ask me to come over. I started texting him after a long work day and when I needed to get my mind off things. We fell into a mutual understanding of being fuck buddies. We weren’t awkward when we hung out with everyone, although I think everyone knew we were hooking up.

Sometimes we would go out to eat together just the two of us but we would both just say we were going as friends and nothing more. I think we both wanted it to be something more, at least I did, but was too afraid to say it. Chris would ask me if we were dating and I would always answer with a, “don’t be silly.”

We started hooking up more frequently and even if I wasn’t having a bad day I would act like I was just so I could see him and to feel his mouth on mine. I told myself that I wasn’t falling for him, but unfortunately I couldn’t stop myself from doing just that. One time I was staying over TJ’s house and when I woke up I smelled pancakes being made. I walked out into his kitchen and saw TJ over the stove, carefully trying to flip pancakes without burning them. It was one of the hottest things ever.

He turned around to me when he heard me laugh. “Enjoying the view, Lizzie? I made us breakfast.”

I hated when people called me Lizzie. Most people called me Liz or by my full name, Elizabeth. Lizzie sounded so childish. But when he said it, it sounded perfect and not kiddish at all.

“Making breakfast, eh? You’re not getting soft on me are you, Osh?” I teased.

That’s how our relationship went. It seemed like he tried to do nice things for me but I always turned it down with a joke. I didn’t want to feel so high and then drop so low if he ever rejected me. We were better as friends with benefits I convinced myself. Even if I am in love with him.

I was at dinner with Chris, Patrick and Brian one night and they started talking about TJ.

“So what’s up with you and Osh anyway, Liz?” Brian Elliot asked me.

“Uh, we’re just friends.” I answered, maybe a bit too defensively.

“Yeah, okay Liz. You might think that, but I don’t know if he thinks that.” Answered Patrick.

“Chris, you’re friends are crazy.” I said to my brother.

“You know, they’re right. He never goes out anymore. When he does, he turns down every girl that tries to hit on him then he always leaves to see you,” my brother answered.

That conversation stuck with me. Were they serious? He couldn’t possibly feel the same way about me, could he? No. That can’t happen. It will turn out like Mike and I. I’ll end up hurting again.

The next night TJ asked me to come over and watch a movie with him.

When I got to his house, he had popcorn and the movie, The Dark Knight Rises ready. We watched the movie in a comfortable silence with my head resting on his chest and our legs tangled together. When the movie ended, TJ blurted out, “Let’s go on a real date. Not as friends, as a date.”

I laughed, “A real date, Osh? Come on.”

“No, stop. I’m serious, Lizzie. I want to take you on a proper date. I like you, Lizzie. Really like you.”

“TJ. No! I can’t! I…I need to leave.” I said as I practically sprinted out. I was in auto-pilot as I drove home. As soon as I reached my driveway and put my car in park I started sobbing. Why was I so stupid? I knew I liked him too! Why did I have to run like that? I screwed it all up, he would never want to see me again.
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TJ:

Why did she run? Why did I blurt that out? I really liked Lizzie. She was my dream girl. She was hilarious, smart, and supportive of all her friends, including me. Her friend…. That stung. That’s all I’ll ever be to her. Why did I read all the signs wrong? I was the only one she let call her Lizzie. I thought that would mean something. Why was I so stupid to think she would like me too?

My phone buzzed, signaling that I had a text. I prayed that it was Lizzie. It was her brother:
Dude, is everything okay? She’s insisting I take her out with the boys tonight…but not to tell you.

I quickly replied:
I told her I like her. Please let me know where you guys are going. I think I love her, man.

After about five minutes, Chris texted back:
Dante’s in an hour.

I threw my phone down and hurried up to get ready. I can’t let her get away.
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I called Chris and made him take me out with the boys. But I made him promise to not tell TJ. I said it was a long story and to not worry about it. I dressed up in a nice dress. It was form fitting, but not too revealing. I needed to get drunk so I could forget my feelings about TJ.

When I got to the club I saw all the boys there, except TJ, thankfully. They were allowed to go out tonight since their next game wasn’t for two days. I spotted Patrick heading for me with a shot. I grabbed it, quickly downed it, and then dragged him to the dance floor. We were having a good time dancing when suddenly he froze.

“Patrick, why did you stop?” I yelled over the music.

I turned around to see TJ staring at me. He grabbed my wrist and back to the VIP section, one of the many perks of being in with the Blues.

“What are you doing here?” I asked. I wasn’t mad, but I was embarrassed more than anything.

“I need to talk to you, Lizzie. I think I’m…in love with you,” he said.

“What? No, TJ. You…I…I ran out. You probably think I’m crazy. I like you, but it won’t work. I…I’m going to get more alcohol. You should go home.” I said.

“I won’t go home without you, Lizzie. I need you. I need you to support me like you do all these other guys. I need you to be there for me when I get home after a long road trip. I need to look into the stands and see you proudly wearing my jersey. I need you. I love you.”

I kissed him. Hard. I needed him right now. I loved him too. He broke the kiss apart and looked right in my eyes. “I can’t keep hooking up with you and acting like I don’t feel anything. I fall apart a bit every time I saw you leave and didn’t tell you how I felt.”

“I love you, too, TJ.” I said. It was true. I knew it and I couldn’t let my fear stop me from being happy with the most amazing guy.

He stared taking off his hoodie. “What are you doing?” I laughed.

“Put this on. I’m not letting all these guys stare at my girlfriend while you’re wearing that.” He said.

His girlfriend. That sounded amazing. I laughed, put the hoodie on and kissed my boyfriend.