There's Perks to Being Me, I Suppose

September 14, 2006
Dear Friend,

I had another flashback. It was bad. My roommate said that I was screaming at the top of my lungs telling my brother to stop. I hope you have not found out who my brother is. I know you use to go to school with him. He was the one who told me you had issues. But it was before he did what he did. And how he could know how it affected you and still do it to me, makes me wonder how much of a monster he really is. The only way you could know is if you can put together what my real name is. I think. I am not sure.

Regardless, I am just confused, again. I keep thinking about what he went through afterwards. If he really knows what he did to me. If he understands that even therapy is not helping any longer. Sometimes I get the urge to have sex with someone. I went to a party last week, and there was this boy, and all I wanted to do was push him against a wall, and have sex with him. But, I was scared. Because I doubted he was interested. Because who would be interested in me?

I keep thinking of him though. Is it weird to tell you, that imagining his face is the only way I can get hard. He is the only person who has made me feel this way. But, I do not want to think of him that way. I masturbate to his face in my mind. To him doing the things that my brother did to me. Except, I want this. I want him.

I wish I had Rian for advice. I miss his friendship. He always gave amazing advice. I wish you could give me advice.

Love always,
Declan