I Still Love You ...

I was sat in the middle of the train tracks. I could hear the train coming, but this time, I didn't run. I just sat there. Then I saw the lights. The train was heading right for me. I heard my mum screaming, begging me to move. I closed my eyes for a few seconds and they never opened. Then it went to bird's eye view. They were pulling parts of me off the track. The driver looked shocked ... terrified. I watched as parts of my body were put into evidence bags. It's weird. Usually I wake up screaming in a cold sweat just before the train hits. This time I didn't. I just ... let it hit. I let myself die. I want to die.

I woke up and rolled onto my back. I stared at the ceiling for a moment before rolling my eyes. Everything was white.White walls, white ceiling, white clothes. I was getting sick of the 'colour'. But, on the plus side, Aimee said she's coming to visit today. I got up and walked to the white wardrobe to get dressed into some white sweatpants and a white shirt. Fucking white! Not even a colour, just a blank abyss. I had to wear white shoes as well. They saw it as an optimistic colour. Not a colour! I walked out of my room and down the white hallway. I sat at one of the white tables with a girl called Katt. She was pretty cool. I mean, no-one at her school thought she was, but that's only because she bit a kid. For the record, she had a reason to bite him; he insulted Tom. Ignore the fact that Tom was her imaginary friend. As in her imaginary boyfriend ... yeah, why did I sit with this girl? Oh yeah, because compared to me, she was 'normal'. The nurses monitored Katt in case she fell out with Tom. If they fell out, someone got hurt. Usually the kids with no hope ... as in the kids like me. The ones who want to die. Nuthall Nuthouse. Home sweet home. Even the patients knew they had no hope. Not that they cared. Katt actually liked being there. She didn't get told no ... they told her no, they got stabbed with a fork.

"Wolf, you have a visitor. Have you had breakfast?" Sally asked me.

"Can I leave the building if I promise to stay away from the tracks?" I asked in return, tilting my head slightly.

Sally looked at me for a second before nodding once.

"I'll make sure Aimee keeps you away from that bridge, Wolf." Sally assured me.

I nodded and stood up.

When I got to the door, David asked me if I was allowed to leave.

"Yeah. Sally said I can go if I stay away from the tracks." I told him.

He opened the door and I walked out, breathing in the fresh air before walking through the courtyard and out the open gate. They sealed the doors but left the gate wide open ... fucking idiots. Sometimes it seemed like the nurses should be in bed by ten O'clock and the patients should be ordering them to dress in white. I saw Aimee waiting for me near the bridge. She walked towards me and hugged me tight.

"So, still hate white?" She asked.

"It's not a fucking colour." I snapped.

She laughed and I couldn't help but laugh with her. I grabbed her wrist and pulled her away from the asylum. I dragged her all the way round the other side of the bridge and climbed up to sit on the cold stone so that my feet were dangling over the tracks.

"Are you allowed to sit there?" She asked me.

I shook my head and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. When I lit one, she gasped.

"I'm not allowed to smoke anymore either." I laughed

"And I'm not meant to let you do this sort of thing, but I do ... why do we do things we're not meant to, Wolf?" She asked.

I shook my head.

"We can blame it on things, or we can just admit that we're shit people." I answered.

She looked at the side of my cigarette.

"Why do you write 'I still love you' on your cigarettes?" She asked.

"Because I hope that when I burn the words, I'll mean them a little less." I replied, taking another drag. "We fell apart ... he learned my secrets, scars, bruises, flaws. Then he left." I added.

She looked at me but let it go. I stared down at the tracks. She won't be able to stop me if I jump. Maybe I can make it look like an accident ... maybe slip ...

"Let's go. We're wasting daylight." Aimee said, interrupting my thoughts.

Maybe next time, when Aimee isn't there ... don't want to upset her.

I shifted so that I was facing 'safety' and dropped lightly off the bridge, landing on my feet.

"Where do you wanna go?" Aimee asked.

"I think we should go get food." I answered, walking in the direction of the nearest restaurant.

I can deliberately choke on my food ... that always looks accidental. Or just 'not look' when I'm crossing the road? That could work.

Aimee looked at me as if she could read my thoughts but she didn't say anything.

She just grabbed my hand and held it for a moment.