Soulless

My alarm sounded at 7:00am on Thursday morning. The sunlight filtered in brightly through my half open blinds, reminding me that in two years I'd lived in this room, I still hadn’t bought replacement curtains. They’d ripped when I’d been unpacking my room with the help of Corey. I could still see him standing by the window, shimmery dark plum fabric in both hands. “I’m sorry!” He’d squeaked out. “They were stuck, and I pulled and…” He'd looked from his left hand to his right and then back to me. I smiled at the memory and rolled out of bed.

I dressed in a tank top, shorts, and a sports bra and grabbed my running shoes from my closet. I knocked on Corey’s door on my way to the bathroom; he groaned from the other side, letting me know he was awake, however begrudgingly.

I stared into the bathroom mirror, inspecting my pores and silently criticizing my own appearance. I splashed some water on my face, brushed my teeth, and pulled my hair back into a pony tail. Good enough.

By the time I got downstairs Corey was in the kitchen eating a banana and filling up a water bottle for each of us. He hadn’t even bothered to put a shirt on; he’d sweat right through it anyway. Corey tossed me my own banana, once I’d finished lacing up my sneakers.

The air outside was already thick and sticky. The sidewalks were only occupied by those on their way to work, fellow runners, and moms ushering their children to daycare. We started out at a slow jog, a warm up completely necessary in this weather. It was only a few minutes into jogging, I found myself glancing at Corey with envy. I was already sweating through my tank top. Men got the luck of the draw on publically acceptable exposure.

The first time we had to stop for a traffic light Corey broke our silence. “Hey, I’m sorry about Tuesday night.”

I shook my head. “It’s fine.”

“I was just drunk. How’d your night end up?” He asked and winked.

The red light changed to green, and the orange hand was replaced by a little walking man. We started up jogging again, our pace faster now.

“It actually turned out to be a really good night.” I smiled in spite of myself.

“Like one and done good night or exchange numbers good night?”

“I don’t really know. I didn’t get his number, but I left him mine.” I was being intentionally vague about the details of my night. I was kind of ashamed to be embarrassed about it, but being best friends with guys meant you felt like a square if you’d gone out to hook up and then didn’t. It was just easier not to have that conversation.

“What? Did you sneak out the morning?” Corey joked.

“I wasn’t really sneaking out, more like rushing out. I woke up and it was already ten. I had work at noon and I still had to come back home and get ready. So I left him a note with my number.”

That part was completely true. I was working a lunch shift on Wednesday, and when I woke up on Brad’s couch, both of us in the same spots we’d fallen asleep in, I decided to just quietly leave. I had to get to work on time, and there was really no point in waking him up.

I left him a note saying I had to leave and gave him my number. I hadn’t gotten his, so the ball was in his court.

“Has he called?” Corey asked.

“Nah,” I answered. I wasn’t particularly disappointed or surprised.

“Well, if I had to guess, he’ll call, and you’ll let him chase you, and then as soon as he wants you to be his girlfriend you’ll pull out of there so fast the poor guy won’t know what hit him.”

We were in full swing by now, both of us running at a good pace. It was the only thing that prevented me from arguing. I settled on, “Shut up, dick.”

The rest of the run was comfortably silent. No more talking about my personal life. I’d had enough of that.



A week later, I was rummaging through my closet as my phone buzzed noisily from across the room. “Mom” appeared across the screen, and I rolled my eyes. “Hello,” I answered.

“Hi, honey, I just wanted to make sure you didn’t forget about Molly’s flight. Her plane should be landing in an hour or so.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m actually getting ready right now. I’ll be heading out in twenty,” I replied, digging around for my green flip-flops.

“You haven’t left yet?” My mom’s voice was pierced with slight panic, panic that she was attempting to hide.

“Mom, stop worrying. It’s a twenty minute cab ride. I’ll still be there early.”

There was silence for a few seconds while images of my mother nervously biting her nails flashed through my mind. “Alright,” she surrendered. “Just make sure you get her to her placement test tomorrow morning at-“

“Ten o’clock. I know. Seriously. Everything is going to be fine. I’ve been here on my own for two years. Molly will get to that placement test and geek it up, okay?”

“Alright, I’m sorry. Be nice to her and watch out for her. You know she’s not like you.”

“Everything will seriously be alright, Mom. I swear. Molly and I will have nice, quiet, boring sister bonding time. No parties, no bars, no fun. I get it.” I didn’t need to see her to know my mom was rolling her eyes on the other end of the phone.

“Please call me as soon as you get her, Jamie. You know I’ll be worrying until then.”

“I will. Everything’s good. I’ll talk to you then.”

“Okay, I love you, sweetie.”

“Love you too. Talk to you later.”

Two hours later Molly and I were in a cab riding back to the house. She was speaking on the phone with our mom, ensuring her that she had arrived without any near death experiences or bodily injuries. My phone buzzed from my back pocket. I pulled it out to find a text message from an unfamiliar number. Going out tonight?

Who’s this? I texted back.

The reply came, and Molly was still on the phone. Brad. That really awesome hot guy who kicked your ass at xbox

I rolled my eyes. Hmmmm doesn’t ring any bells. Sorry

I’ll ring your bell ;)

Woooow. Gonna have to take a rain check on that ringing tho. Can’t come out tonight

lame.

Molly hung up the phone and sighed. “I love that woman, but I cannot wait to move out. She drives me crazy.” I couldn’t blame Molly; mom drove me crazy, and I didn’t even live with her. “So what’s the plan for tonight?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I figured we’d get take out somewhere and just chill at the house.”

“That’s it?” She asked. “Your baby sister comes up and you don’t wanna take me out anywhere or corrupt me or anything?”

I laughed, a little surprised. “If I don’t get you to that placement test or you fail or something, Mom is going to skin me.”

She scoffed. “I could pass that placement test in my sleep.”

“What a pretentious bitch,” I joked, but she wasn’t even boasting. It’s the truth. Molly is the smartest person I know. She definitely got all of the brains between us.

“So come on, let’s go out. You were definitely just texting someone.” She grinned evilly at me, and reached to take my phone. I shoved it under my butt before she could get to it.

“Who are you, and what have you done with my sister?”

“I just want to let my hair loose. I went my entire high school career, and the biggest risk I took was skipping gym class. Once.”

“That’s pretty lame, Mol,” I chuckled. She gave me a dark look. “Okay, fine. We’ll try to go out, but I don’t know how you’re gonna get in anywhere without a fake-actually, hold on.”

I retrieved my phone from under my ass, and typed a message to Brad. Nvm. I do wanna come out.

Sweet. You want me to pick you up?”

Sure, just one problem. My sister’s here and she’s only 18.

Not a problem. Come with me they won’t even ask The reply came quickly.

“Alright, well we’re good.”

“How am I going to get in anywhere?” Molly frowned at me. She clearly hadn’t considered that.

“I know someone,” I waved her off. She wouldn’t know who Brad or his teammates were if I didn’t tell her.



Molly had come prepared, with a short, black sequin dress and a pair of purple pumps. My little sister looked hot and grown up, and so far from the quiet, nerdy girl I’d last seen at Christmas. “You look hot, Mol. I’m gonna have to keep you in my sights all night now.”

She rolled her eyes. My sister and I were almost opposites, but we’d always shared the same stubborn nature. “You do not. I’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, right. You are not losing your virginity tonight when you get all drunk and then some asshole takes advantage of you.”

Her cheeks reddened ever so slightly, and she avoided eye contact with me.

“You already did, didn’t you?!” I asked. “Molly, I can’t believe you didn’t tell me. Details now.” I pulled her down so she was sitting on my bed with me, but before she could even start to speak, my phone rang. It was Brad.

“Hey, I’m outside,” He said when I picked up.

“Okay, we’ll be out in a sec.”



Brad was right. When we arrived at our destination, there was no waiting in line or checking ID’s. We went to the front and right in the doors. My sister stood to my right, our arms linked and she muttered a “What the actual fuck?” in my ear as our little group entered the club.

Inside was crowded, and the thumping bass could be felt through my whole body. We didn’t stay down in the crowd for long though as Brad and Tyler led us to the upstairs VIP section. Some familiar faces were there, most recognizable from all of the Bruins games Corey watches. Brad offered to go get drinks, and I nodded, while Molly dragged me off to the bathroom.

The lights were sort of dim even in the bathroom, but at least it was quiet, being secluded from the general club goers. Molly’s face was a mixture of excitement and confusion as she pushed herself up onto the sink counter.

“Jame,” She paused for a second. “Who the hell are we here with? These are not just college kids.”

My cheeks went a little warmer than usual. “They may or may not be the Boston Bruins,” I admitted.

“The what who?” Molly looked even more confused now.

“Hockey, Mol,” I answered impatiently. “You watched me play your whole life, and you still—never mind. The Bruins are Boston’s NHL team. They won the Stanley Cup this year.” One of Molly’s eyebrows shot up her forehead. “They won the Championship. They’ve been celebrating for weeks now.”

“Ohhhhhh.” Molly nodded her head. “You’re into the shorter one, right? The one that was driving?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“Alright, well let’s go then.” Molly clapped her hands, hopped off the counter, and walked past me grabbing my hand as she headed for the door.

“Wait,” I said reluctantly. It sucked having to be the responsible one. “You can have like, two drinks and two shots, absolute max. That’s it.”

Molly rolled her eyes at me. “Okay, Mom.”

“C’mon Mol. This test is important, and Mom will kill us both if you aren’t in good shape to take it tomorrow.”



The house was quiet when we entered it later that night, a very rare occurrence. Almost everyone had gone home this week. Even Corey, who grew up in the city, had decided to spend a few nights at his parent’s house at the request of his mother. The TV hummed from the living room, as Noah and Em sat cuddled on the couch, both asleep.

I led a wobbly, drunk Molly up to Corey’s room, and onto his bed. He’d offered to let her sleep there since he knew he wouldn’t be home. I grabbed a glass of water and some aspirin and left it on the bedside table. She protested as I got her to change into shorts and a t-shirt, but once her head hit the pillow, she was out. She’d been the reason we’d left. I probably should have kept a better eye on her because she’d gotten much drunker than I had wanted her to, and Brad had ended up driving us home pretty early in the night.

I left the room, shutting the door softly behind me, where Brad was standing, partially illuminated by the light of his cellphone reflecting off of his face. “You didn’t have to come back here to help, you know,” I said, honestly feeling a little guilty for pulling him from the party so early.

He smiled at me. “I know, but I did invite you back to my place last time, so the way I see it is you me a little hospitality.”

“Oh?” I laughed. “Well the best I can do for you is whatever leftover takeout and alcohol is in the fridge.”

“Good enough for me. Lead the way.” Brad gestured to the staircase as I began to head down it.

The stairs opened up to the large living room where Noah and Em were still asleep on the couch. The dining room, if you could call it that, was connected openly. However, there was a ping pong table where a regular table should have been and a beat up old futon sat along the wall, instead of china cabinets.

When we arrived downstairs, the only light came from the glow of the television, and as we crept through the front two rooms and towards the kitchen I tripped over something large and indistinguishable. Brad had to cover his mouth behind me to stifle his laughter as I flailed my arms in an attempt to stay upright.

Finally in the kitchen, I flipped on the lights. I was relieved to see that the sink was empty of dirty dishes and the counters were void of any sticky residue. It was hard to keep the kitchen clean when I had several grown men who refused to do their own dishes or properly clean up spills. It was spectacular timing that everyone was gone this week.

Unfortunately, the fact that everyone was gone also meant that there were no leftovers in the fridge, and only a lone, half empty bottle of whiskey stood in the freezer.

“Alright, looks like I’m gonna have to cook something.”

Brad sat at the small kitchen table while I cooked. “Was that a ping pong table in the living room?” He asked while I laid bacon down in the pan, its sizzle and aroma filling the room.

“Mhm,” I nodded. “That thing has caused more arguments, both drunk and sober, than you can imagine. This house takes ping pong very seriously.”

“Does that include you?”

“Oh, you don’t have to argue when everyone knows you’re the best,” I bragged.

“You better pipe down before No hears you. He’s been very keen to leave a lasting impression since he knows he’s leaving.” I turned away from the eggs I was watching to see a groggy, yet smiling Emma clad in pajama shorts a Boston College t-shirt.

“Did we wake you?” I frowned.

“Nope.” She sat down at the table across from Brad. “But I heard that bacon sizzling and knew it was worth getting up for.”

“Bacon, egg, and cheese bagel for you too, then?” I asked, already aware of the answer.

She agreed and introduced herself to Brad. “Hi, I’m Emma.”

“Brad.” He smiled at her. “You live here, too?”

She snorted. “Here? Yeah right. I couldn’t deal with the boys 24/7. I don’t know how Jamie does it.”

“I think I’m just turning into one them,” I joked. I placed a plate on the table for each of us and put the bottle of whiskey in the middle before sitting down.

As we ate, Em asked about the night and why we’d ended up back so early and sober. I explained that Molly had been with me and wasn’t quite as accustomed to binge drinking. When she’d finished, she said her goodnight, and I could hear her coaxing Corey off of the couch and up to his room, in a barely awake state. I heard the television shut off and two sets of footsteps shuffled up the stairs while I put all the dishes in the sink.

When everything was cleaned, I led us out of the kitchen. Brad followed, snatching the untouched whiskey from the table. The journey to the living room was even darker now, without the aid of the television, and I ran into the same thing I had earlier, except this time I actually fell, and Brad, right behind me, also tumbled down.

A slew of curse flew from my mouth about everyone always leaving stupid shit lying around, and Brad simply laughed until something long and hard hit him square on the head. I managed to stand up and make my way over to the light switch. When the room finally came into view, Brad was still lying on the floor, whiskey bottle in hand.

It was now clear what we had tripped over: two badly place bags and a few stick that had fallen over in the collision. Normally, there was a strict ‘No Equipment in the Living Room’ Policy, but in the absence of the rest of our housemates, we hadn’t bothered to put our things away after coming home from open hockey earlier that day. “Sorry, I guess we forgot to put these away earlier,” I apologized and picked up the stick while Brad pushed himself up from the floor.

“You didn’t tell me you play?” Brad remarked, picking up my stick and examining it.

I shrugged my shoulders. “You didn’t ask.”

“So are you any good?” He asked, eyebrow cocked.

“With that thing, no not really,” I laughed, thinking about how my skills skating out had suffered quite a bit since I’d stopped doing it as a kid. “But in goal, yeah, I’d say I’m pretty fucking good.”

“Goalie? Really?” Brad exclaimed. “I shoulda known.”

“Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Goalies are weird, J. And you’re a weirdo.” He scrunched his nose.

I narrowed my eyes at him. “You don’t even know me, B.” I said mocking his use of my first initial.

“You’re right. Let’s change that.” He held up the bottle of whiskey still in his hand. “Truth or shot. I ask you a question and you have to answer completely honestly or take a shot, and then you ask me.”

“Deal,” I answered. I didn’t have much to hide.

An hour later to bottle was empty, not a drop to be spared. I found myself in a slight haze, the effects of the whiskey evident in my utter inability to stop giggling at absolutely nothing. Brad was laughing too, though it was probably at me and not with me. When my laughter finally subsided, Brad was still chuckling, his eyes slightly glazed over and his feet tucked under him as he sat next to me on the couch.

The hum of the television was comforting and familiar. My desire to kiss Brad as he looked at me with his goofy lopsided smile reminded me of the last time I’d seen him, when we hadn’t gotten to finish what we started, so I kissed him. Without inhibition or hesitation, I cupped his face in my hands and pressed my lips to his. Before long, I was leading him up my stairs once again, this time to my own room.



The next morning I woke up to someone shaking my shoulder violently. “Mm, Corey just let me sleep for ten minutes, and then we’ll run. I’m tired.” I mumbled.

“Jamie, come on, my test! We only have a half hour to get there!” Molly’s frantic voice brought me violently to awareness.

“Oh fuck,” I flew out of bed throwing the covers off and putting on a shirt and a pair of shorts from the floor, while Molly skittered out of the room. Brad stirred in my bed, blinking his eyes as they adjusted to the light, and wiping a small amount of drool from the corner of his mouth.

“Well this feels familiar. Trying to sneak out before I wake up?” He yawned and sat up. “You do realize this is your house, though?”

“Shut up,” I replied, yanking a pair of socks onto my feet. “My sister’s placement test is in thirty minutes and there’s no way she’s gonna get there in time on the T, and my mom is going to kill me because I was supposed to be responsible for getting her there. My funeral should be sometime in the next few weeks, if you’re interested in attending.”

“I could just drive her?” Brad offered.

“You would do that?” I stopped in the middle of tying my sneaker and stood up.

“Sure, where is it?”

“Harvard.”

“Yeah, okay, just let me get dressed. We can definitely get there by car in thirty minutes.”

“Oh my god,” I skipped back to the bed and kissed Brad right on the lips. “You have no idea how much you’re saving my ass right now.”

“Eh, I am the one who convinced you to come out last night,” Brad smiled and kissed me again, pulling one of my legs over his own this time, so that I ended up straddling him.

The moment was quickly interrupted, though when Molly’s shrill voice barked my name from the doorway. “Jamie! We need to go!” She was even more panicked than I had been.

I can only imagine that I was blushing slightly as I pulled myself from Brad’s lap. “It’s okay. Brad said he’d drive you.”

She sighed in relief. “Oh my god, thank you,” She said to him. “I guess I’ll just uh, be downstairs waiting.”

I retrieved Brad’s jeans from the floor and threw them in his direction. “Let’s go, B.”