Let The Walls Break Down

After that night, I retreated back into my former shell. I couldn’t explain it, I just suddenly didn’t feel like talking again. I knew that Alex blamed himself & thought that he had pushed me, but it was more than that. It had to do with me, not him. I just….felt different. I was over-thinking every little thing & I was never happy, I had no motivation & no matter what, I was always tired. My mom said it was a normal teenage thing for me to be in a “funk”, but to me it was like the world was ending. Not even Alex could cure me this time, & that was what worried me. I knew it was hard on him too, when we hung out I was quiet & withdrawn & not much fun. I just wasn’t Jack anymore.

“Jack !” Alex slammed his fist down on the table. “Are you even listening ?” We were in my kitchen two weeks after we had sex. I had been leaning against the counter, staring blankly out the window while Alex chattered about something at the table. I turned to looked at him “Uh, what ?” I asked softly. He sighed, “What’s been going on with you lately ? And don’t give me that bullshit that you’re ‘just tired’ or you’re ‘just thinking’. I don’t wanna hear it.” I shrugged, I couldn’t tell him what he wanted to hear, since I didn’t know what was going on with me myself. “Listen…did I do something wrong ? Was it something I said ? That night…did I hurt you or something ?” Alex looked truly scared that he was the cause of all of this. I kissed him softly, “It’s not your fault, Lex, I promise.” When I turned away from him, my smile faded, & tears threatened to spill.

Later on, Alex & I lay tangled together in my bed, him snoring softly next to me. His head was tucked into my side, & I stroked his hair, watching him sleep so peacefully. I envied how he was able to smile & mean it, the way he was able to function normally….I couldn’t even sleep anymore, I just tossed & turned for no apparent reason. It just wasn’t right, whatever it was.

Alex tried to help me, he really did. He was constantly doing things to make me happy, trying to take me out on dates, get me out of the house, play me guitar, anything to stimulate some kind of response. I wasn’t talking to anyone at this point, & I hadn’t had actual human contact in days. I just couldn’t kiss or hug without feeling…weird about it. I don’t think it had anything to do with us having sex, that was merely coincidence. I would just sit moodily, staring out my window & chain smoking, ignoring Alex’s texts. It seemed like the harder everyone tried to reach me, the more I pulled away. My mom suggested therapy even, but I refused. How was I going to communicate with a shrink ? Hand signals ? I don’t think so.

One day evening I had had enough. I forced myself to go on a walk, hoping the fresh air & exercise could clear my head & do me some good. I ended up on the other side of town again, on a bridge that overlooked our nicest park. I stood on the ledge, feeling the cool, late summer breeze around me. And for a minute, I thought about jumping, I honestly did. I didn’t want to feel like this anymore & there seemed to be no way out. This wasn’t normal, this was far from it.

The breeze pushed me forward slightly, enough to scare me so that I jumped off. I dialed Alex’s number immediately.

I wasn’t ready to speak, not just yet, I just rushed into his arms. He held me without question, & things finally felt just a little bit right.

It was after that that I agreed to go to a medical doctor, per my mom’s request. I demanded to take Alex with me or I wouldn’t go, so of course she agreed. A week later, we were headed upstate to one of the largest hospitals in Maryland. I already knew the doctor was going to give me some bullshit answer like ‘depression’ or ‘the flu’, so what was the point ? I only agreed to go because it would make my mom feel better.

“So we’re going to run some tests, maybe do a brain scan just to make sure.” I looked up at the doctor, I had previously been zoned out completely. “B-brain scans ?” Alex squeezed my hand, & my mother pulled the doctor aside. Twenty minutes later, I was sitting in one of those stupid gowns, getting my blood drawn, about to be put in some stupid machine that would probably give me radiation. I sighed, tapping my feet, eager to get this stupid trip over with. This place smelled weird, & it was freezing cold. Not to mention some fat nurse was stabbing my arm with a needle. Not even my mom could stay with me in the room for my CT scans, only the technician. Fabulous.
Now that the worst part was over, I was given my street clothes & allowed to sit in the waiting room with my mom & Alex. We waited for what seemed like hours, mindlessly reading those boring magazines they seem to have in all medical offices. My doctor finally emerged clipboard in hand, at around 7pm. He walked straight over to my mom, talking with her softly & showing her my results, pointing things out here & there. He stood in front of me next. “See these white spots Jack ? Those aren’t supposed to be there. These tumors are what’s causing your changes in mood & behavior.” His expression didn’t change. Alex clutched my arm next to me, & my mom had her hands over her face. “You’re saying…”

“You’re saying that I have a brain tumor.”