Let The Walls Break Down

I don’t know how long it’s been now, time has no meaning for me. It’s been a while though. I can hear them, and sometimes I can feel them. I feel when Alex holds my hand in his, presses it against his cheek….I feel his tears sometimes, dripping on my arm while he begs for me to come back. I try, but I can’t. I can’t move, I can’t respond, I can’t do anything but lay here and take it.

It’s hard to explain, being in a coma. It’s like you’re there but you’re not ACTUALLY there. I guess more like everyone else is there but you aren’t. People tell you things they’d never tell you under normal circumstances…they bargain with you, tell you they’d do anything to have you back. When you hear them praying, that’s the worst part. Sometimes they curse out God, and sometimes they try to reason with him. Either way, it’s a terrible thing to overhear- your loved ones tearfully speaking with someone they aren’t even sure they believe in…Yeah, the praying is the worst.

Today was just like any other day, for me anyway. My parents came to see me in the morning before work, the nurse checked on me twice during the day, and then at 3 o’clock sharp, Alex came, straight from school. He’d tell me a little about his day, about our friends, just kind of babbling on to fill the silence. MY silence, I suppose. I guess maybe the school thing should have given me some idea on how long I’d been out. When I’d had my surgery, school was a few weeks away…Well that’s comforting.

I felt Alex press a kiss to my cheek, then his lips at my ear- “I love you.” This was a daily occurrence, but it never failed to give me butterflies. He always did it, without fail, right before he left to get food.
During this time, I was always deep in thought. I had a lot of time to think now, and I would contemplate the craziest things. Sometimes I wrote imaginary letters to Lex, as if I were actually away, not just in spirit.

You never think the last time is the last time, you think there’ll be more.
You think you have forever, but you don’t.

You know, when do you throw in the towel? Admit that a lost cause is sometimes just that ? There comes a point when it all becomes too much. When we get too tired to fight anymore, so we give up. That’s when the real work begins. To find hope where there seems to be absolutely none at all. That’s what I need right now, some hope, because every day it’s getting harder for me to fight. Harder for me to listen to my boyfriend tell God that he’s going to hunt him down and give him a piece of his mind, harder to hear my mom sobbing over my limp body, harder to hear my DAD cry.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined something like this happening to me. I mean, I had brain tumors for God sakes. That’s a pretty big deal…then brain surgery, and now I’m in a coma. That’s something that’s changed my life forever, and the lives of those around me. I don’t really thing we’ll be the same after this is all over…No one ever things something tragic will happen to them until it does, so that’s why we’re all unprepared to deal with it. I guess you can’t prepare for a sudden impact. You can’t brace yourself, it just hits you out of nowhere. And suddenly the life you knew before is over.