Let The Walls Break Down

Right now was the only time this whole six years I’ve wished to break my silence. Alex and I were driving down the highway with the windows down and the radio blasting, and Alex was singing along like he didn’t have a care in the world. I wanted so badly just to sing along with him, but I wouldn’t let myself.

I tossed the remains of my cigarette out the window, casually glancing at Alex, studying him. He had thick eyebrows and an almost permanent half-smirk. There was some small scruff on his face and his eyes were a light, golden brown, much prettier than my own plain brown ones. He was really good-looking, in other words.

Alex lit up another cigarette, glancing over at me and playfully blowing the smoke in my face. I grabbed the cigarette from his lips and placed it between mine, returning the gesture. He raised his eyebrows, chuckling. “I’ll teach you how to shotgun the smoke one day.” I pretended like I knew what that meant and nodded, handing the cigarette back to him. Without taking his eyes off the road, he said “I’m driving, can you just put it between my lips again ?” I had a feeling he was doing this just to make me nervous, although I didn’t know why. I slid the cigarette between his lips, his warm breath reaching my fingers as I did so. I drew my hand back quickly, dropping it in my lap. Alex laughed a little, “I make you nervous.” He said it in such a way that it was a statement rather than a question. Could he really tell ? I picked up my board “Yeah, most people do.” “Is that why you stopped talking ?” “No.” “How old are you Jack ?” “Sixteen, why ?” Alex nodded, “I just wondered. I’m seventeen.” He continued on asking me casual questions about my life, until eventually he fell silent. It was around 4:30, about an hour after we started driving, that he pulled off the highway and onto a dirt sideroad that ended in a dead end. I watched curiously as we drove to the very end, where Alex stopped the car and hopped out. I opened my door and got out too, looking around.

We were in the middle of nowhere, essentially. Alex was headed into the woods at the end of the road, and I jogged to keep up with him. I worried briefly if I was about to be murdered out here, I mean, anything can happen. And no one would hear my screams, because I wouldn’t make any. Ah, the odd life of Jack Barakat.

We emerged into a clearing, which was actually a cliff looking out onto more forest. Alex settled on a large boulder and invited me to join him. “You look kind of freaked, Jack.” “I was just thinking about if you were to murder me, no one would hear my silent screams.” Wow, I can’t believe I just admitted that…But it was worth it to hear Alex’s laughter, echoing around the empty field. “You’re funny, Jack.” I blushed, Alex thought I was funny !

I walked over to the edge of the cliff, looking out over it. I glanced back at Alex, took a step forward, and jumped.

“Jack !” Alex cried out. He ran over to the edge, peering down at me. “You fucking psycho ! I thought you were dead !” In reality, I had tricked him on purpose, payback for how he had been acting toward me earlier. The cliff wasn’t steep like it looked, there was a three foot drop onto another ledge that lead down a rocky trail on the side of the mountain. Alex jumped down beside me, stumbling a little. I grabbed his hand to steady him without thinking. “Thanks, psycho.” He smirked, and I pulled away from him, picking my way through the rocks down the trail. I walked in silence as expected, but Alex started questioning me about my selective mutism. “So you never talk ? Like not even to yourself, when no one else is around ?” I shook my head. “No singing, nothing ?” I shook my head no again, not really minding the questions. “Do you even make any sound at all ? I haven’t heard even an ‘mm-hmm’ from you.” I motioned ‘so-so’ to him, meaning sometimes. Very rarely did I even make any sound though. Maybe one day I would, for Alex. Maybe.

The two of us wandered aimlessly, we had all the time in the world. It was early in the summer, the weather was nice and the sun wouldn’t be down for a while. We had nowhere to be except here. About half an hour into our hike, we came by a small stream. “It’s getting kind of hot, I’m gonna cool off.” Alex told me, taking off his shoes and stripping off his socks. He rolled up his jeans, wading in to his ankles. His back was turned to me, and I took the time to look him over. His jeans were tight and accentuated his body perfectly. He wore a gray v-neck shirt that clung to his flat stomach, and his hair was disheveled in a way that worked on him. He was so attractive, and there was just something about him that made me want to….it made me like him. Like, have a crush on him. Not that I would ever admit it. There was no way he would go for a guy like me. Even if I did talk, he was still way out of my league.

Alex turned around to face me where I was perched on the bank “Aren’t you coming in ?” I shook my head, my jeans were much too tight for me to roll up very far. And I didn’t really feel like walking all the way back in wet pants. He walked toward me, “Why not, Jackalope ? Don’t wanna get wet for me ?” He grinned cockily at his joke, daring me to come and join him. It almost seemed as if he were daring me to speak as well. I stood up, flipping him off, ready to walk away, but Alex grabbed my hand and pulled me back. “Hey, I’m sorry. I was just kidding, honestly. That’s just how I am.” I stared at him, standing on the edge of the bank. “So why won’t you come in, for real ?” I motioned to my jeans and mimed pulling them up. “Too tight ?” He questioned. I nodded in approval, but almost choked on air when he said “Just take them off.” I stepped back again, shaking my head nervously. This was bordering on sexual harassment. But he backed off quickly, shrugging “Suit yourself.”

I watched as he walked downstream a little ways, and took the opportunity to take a little walk of my own. I needed to clear my head and calm down before Alex appeared again. I walked in the direction that Alex had headed down the stream, only my journey was on land. Within five minutes, I was lost in my thoughts. I wasn’t paying attention, and I tripped on a stone, wrenching my ankle and stumbling forward. My head bounced off a tree, and I collapsed with a thud in the brush to the right of the path. I clutched at my ankle, rubbing it in pain. I tried to stand, but it was too injured. It dawned on me that Alex didn’t know I was gone, and I couldn’t call out to let him know where I was. I know the circumstances were urgent since I was hurt, but I couldn’t break my silence, I just refused to. Something in me screamed not to let Alex in, and so I sat and waited for him to find me.

**Please read the authors note