Lullabies

Gray was the very first color I saw when I opened my eyes. It was highly unusual, since I was used to seeing a bright blue instead. Gray was followed by white, which was joined with a swirl of black and yellow. I opened my eyes fully after I rubbed them, and saw a clear Of Mice and Men poster. I didn't have one of those in my room.

"You're awake."

I looked over to my right to see Kenadee. Her blue eyes seemed so sad but she wore a bright smile on her pale face. She kissed my forehead and pushed herself into a sitting position. "I thought you'd sleep till noon," she whispered, stroking my arms. "You relapsed last night. You had two weeks clean..." Another kiss was placed on my forehead. "It was only four. We'll go out and get you some play-doh. Maybe when you get the urge next time, you can build a monster and stab it with straws. Baz?"

My mind was spinning, and I felt myself scrunching my nose. It was always what I did when I was confused or lost in the conversation. I unscrunched and glanced at her. "Hmm?"

"You don't remember last night." She holds up my arm. "You relapsed."

"No," I mumbled, pulling my arm back slowly. "Last night I told you about my self-harming... you asked about me always wearing hoodies and..." I caught myself looking at the Of Mice and Men poster once again. It was never there. Of all the times I'd been in Kenadee's room, there was never a poster. "Where'd you get that?"

Kenadee followed my gaze. "Oh, that? It's yours." She took a hair tie off her wrist and flung it at the poster. "Your mom said it was dumb and you were afraid she'd tear it up so you put it up here."

"Where'd I get it?"

"The concert."

"What concert?"

She turned around and glared at me. "How can you not remember the concert, Baz? We spent all our money just to go and we met the guys and everything." She got out of bed and started looking through her closet. "They signed my jeans.... which are in here somewhere..."

My mind forced me to press on. "You got mad at me," I stated dumbly. "Last night. I showed you my scars and you screamed at me."

Kenadee tossed a pair of socks at my face. "That was a month ago, ding dong! And I didn't scream." She pulled out a pair of jeans and sure enough, there were signatures scribbled on the left leg. "I started sobbing. I could have lost you, ya know. You could have hit a vein..."

"You were mad." I sat up and stared at her. "We... we had a fight. You broke up with me."

She shook her head. "No, Baz, no. You had a nightmare." She dropped the jeans and walked back to the bed. Her body was hovering over mine suddenly as she pressed her lips to mine. Eagerly, I kissed back. I was sure I had morning breath but she didn't give a shit.

"You're the sweetest boy ever, you know that?" she whispered once she pulled away. "I love you to the moon and back."

My heart was beating fast. "I love you to the end of space and back."

She smiled, and this time it touched her eyes. "So, what are we going to do today?"

I didn't care what the hell I was going to do. As long as I had Kenadee wrapped up in my arms, we could have done anything. My arms held her against me as I thought about it. "Let's stay here for a while. I just want to lay here with you."

She liked that answer. "Okay. And then will you take me to the book store like you promised? I know you said you'd do that next week but--"

"We can go out for breakfast and then I'll take you to the bookstore." I kissed her cheek and closed my eyes. Life was too short to waste on bad dreams.