Better off This Way

I walk along the ice and snow, watching the dark blues and dead hues swirl together. It's so cold and bitter, so numbing. It's hard to find a dark place to sit, the moon's reflection so bright in the dead of night. Nostalgia comes and directs me toward the place I haven't been in so long. Our little haven, our paradise from the outside world. I remember how we used to go there when we were kids, letting our imaginations take us as we made up games and always found some way to amuse ourselves. Just you and I. That's how it's always been.

I pick up speed and take a turn into the trees, finding myself in a distantly familiar place. Memories flood over me, making me want, need, to get there quicker. We were always different, the outcasts, the misunderstood. But that never mattered, because we had each other. I guess that's how I got myself into this situation in the first place. I depended on you far too much. And look where that's gotten me.

Finally, I see it. To others it's only a simple clearing in the middle of the forest, but it's our place. I sit against the tree that we carved our names in, taking comfort in the cold seeping through my jeans. Gerard and Frank, friends forever.

I'll be leaving soon, but you don't know that. I've already let us get too close. If I don't go now, my sins will take away your innocence, tainted by the poison that is me. Trust me, it'll be so much better off this way.

I love the darkness. It's so easy to hide who you are in the night. It's so much harder for your eyes to burn into my soul, revealing my sickness. My eyes always gave me away, but I guess that's changed somewhere along the way. For you never suspected anything. I wonder if that's how I really wanted it. I never liked hiding things from you, but with this, there was no option.

Maybe one day you'll forgive me. I can only hope. The wind has picked up and the clouds are taken away, leaving only the stars. They remind me of your eyes, always shining, lighting up as you smile. Oh, how I'm going to miss your smile.

I stand up and, after looking up at the dark sky, head back to the house where you and the guys are sure to be sleeping. I'm numb, which I can only take for a good thing. If I were able to feel any of the pain I know is there, I'd never be able to leave. This time, I take my time, wanting to delay the inevitable as much as I can. I'll hate myself in the morning.

Stepping into the house carefully, so as to not make much noise, I walk to your doorway. You're lying curled up in the mass of blankets, trying to keep warm as you dream peacefully. Your face is so content, trusting that everything will be the same when you awake. Knowing if I don't go soon, I'll never go, I reluctantly turn away from you and tiptoe to Mikey's room and whisper goodbye to my brother. I grab my bag, and leave, only stopping to take another glance at my best friend.

The bus leaves in half an hour. I return to our place, to our tree, and reach into my pocket, taking out the knife. When I'm through, I go to the bus station, where I wait. I take out my sketch book and look at the drawing of you, your eyes twinkling, your smile breathtaking, frozen in time, forever etched into my memory.

Will there be a place in your heart for my memory?