The Remains of My Wasted Youth

Should I write myself out of the history books
And mark a place in time for every chance you took?

Alex loved Jack. That much he knew. Watching Jack come over to the coffee shop every day in the morning, all the make out sessions in the small garden outside, the stolen smiles. Yes Alex loved Jack. The hiding, the secrecy, the chances only added to the passionate romance between them. Seeing Jack enter the coffee shop always managed to bring a smile on Alex's face.

Don't get me wrong,
I know you've got your life in place
I've yet to take the hint, someday
I'm sure I'll get the picture
And stop waiting up

But Jack didn't exactly like only him. Jack was married, even happily to Holly Madison. They were happy together. Jack had a job, a family. Jack was moving along in life. Alex couldn't. Alex refused to change jobs, knowing being a waiter in the coffee shop was the only way to see Jack. He wouldn't look at any other girl or boy, because he truly and wholly loved Jack. Inside he knew it was nothing more than a stolen romance. But he couldn't help but hope that they'd be together, truly, out in the open together. He was willing to freeze his life for Jack. Jack was worth it.

When it all comes down
To a sunrise on the East Side,
Will you be there to carry home
The remains of my wasted youth?

Alex wasn't all that young anymore. His days of being a wild young adult were slowly transitioning into middle aged grown up. This thing with Jack had been happening for 8 long years. 8 youthful years. Alex didn't have anyone but Jack. He didn't have a real family, a real home. He had Jack. That was all he thought he needed. But the truth was, he didn't even have Jack. Maybe he should have wanted a home, a stable love, a child.

This wasted time on you
Has left me shaking in waiting,
Shaking in waiting for something more

Inside he wanted more. He wanted Jack to pride in the fact they were together. He wanted them to stop stealing kisses. He wanted Jack to move in. He wanted to settle down, hopefully with Jack. He was waiting, waiting for something to happen. For Jack to recognize their true love and move in, for Jack to leave Holly, for Jack to love him as much as he loves Jack. So he would wait.

Tonight is alive with the promise of a street-fight,
And there's money on the table
That says your cheap shots won't be able
To break bones
I've yet to break a sweat.

Alex wanted to confront Jack. He wanted to stand up to him, to fight whatever was wrong with their relationship. Every day he promised himself today would be the day he'd talk to Jack. He tried to convince himself he wasn't scared. What would Jack do? Sticks and stones make break his bones but words could never hurt him. Alex would bet against it all the time. He knew it was wrong. He could just talk to Jack and solve everything.

I'll make your past regret it's future
Here's to you

Jack and their past. It started as a simple relationship, like any other. They were happy together. Alex missed the happy past. But it didn't stay. Jack fell in love with Holly. He broke up with Alex. Alex tried to move on, he really did try. Hundreds of one night stands and failed relationships only convinced him he loved Jack. It started as a one time thing. Alex had found a job as a waiter, thinking it was temporary, until he'd figure out what he wanted to do with his life and move on. That's when he learned that was Jacks favorite coffee shop. The make out sessions became a daily thing. It wasn't their old glorious past. The future had killed the past. But it was the best Alex could get now. It was thanks to Jack.

When it all comes down
To a sunrise on the East Side,
Will you be there to carry home
The remains of my wasted youth?

He stared into Jacks eyes and told him his thoughts. Jacks eyes widened. He argued it was wrong. He insisted what they had was perfect, what they had was amazing, there was nothing wrong with it. He ignored Alex asking if they would ever get more serious. Alex was crushed he'd finally got the guts to talk to Jack only to get shut down.

This wasted time on you
Has left me shaking in waiting
For something more

Jack didn't want more. As they sat in the garden, Alex taking a break from work, Jack talked about his new daughter, Hollys new modeling campaign, his promotion as a talent agent. Alex was waiting. He was still a waiter, alone. He had no one.

Make all of my decisions for me
I've never taken the fall for deceit
I'll keep a secret if you keep me guessing

Alex trusted Jack like he trusted no one else. He had never thought he'd be deceived, fooled by a smile. What Jack and him had was special. He'd keep the secret of their relationship easily. The thought of telling someone didn't even come to his head.

The taste of your lips says we shouldn't have met like...

They sat there, hiding, making out but carefully looking to make sure no one was there. Alex wished more than anything that they hadn't met like this, that they had a normal relationship. He wished they met like normal people, met like normal people. That these kisses weren't stolen.

Make all of my decisions for me
I've never taken the fall for deceit
We'll keep a secret if you keep me guessing
The taste of your lips says we shouldn't have met like this

Those makeout sessions. Alex let himself sink in the kiss. The amazing sensation of Jack and his lips on his was like nothing else. He wanted to confront Jack. He wished he was stronger, wished he had more courage. Jack had won again.

I can keep a secret if you can keep me guessing
The flavor of your lips is enough to keep me pressing

For those kisses, in those moments Alex was willing to go through it all. In those moments it all seemed worth it. He'd fight for their relationship, as abnormal as it may be. He'd keep their secret, be quiet about the makeout sessions as long as he had Jack. He wouldn't give up on them Alex decided.

For more than just a moment of truth between the lies told
To pull ourselves away from the lives we leave back
(I can keep a secret if you can keep me guessing)
The flavor of your lips is enough to keep me here, keep me here

They made it all worth it. For a few minutes Alex and Jack were in their own private world together. For a few minutes all the lies all the trouble all the anger was replaced with a few minutes of clarity. Alex wanted to fight for those minutes of clarity. Their lives didn't matter because Alex had Jack in his arms. Alex was happy right now. In those minutes everything made sense.

When it all comes down
To a sunrise on the East Side,
Will you be there to carry me home?
The remains of my wasted youth,
This wasted time on you,
Has left me shaking in waiting
For something more

Jack gave Alex a smile before calling Holly, calling her love, and saying he couldn't wait to kiss her. Alex loved Jack he really did. Truth be told Jack loved Alex too. He only loved Holly just a bit more. And maybe Jack wasn't the one that Alex would marry and love. Maybe Alex's waiting was for nothing. Maybe once the sun would rise and the day would start, Jack wouldn't be there, too busy with his own life. Alex wasted his time, his youth, his potential, his love on Jack. But he loved him. That was enough for him never to stop.