Putting The Dog To Sleep
From the beginning
A
You met him at the party. You fell on him, too drunk to move your feet and the bruises from his teeth stayed for weeks on your pale forehead.
When you tried to apologize he laughed about it long and loud and you never tried to say sorry again. Because you weren’t anymore.
B
“Morris?”
“No. M-o-r-r-i-s-s-e-y.”
You couldn’t look away from his mouth, it was just so…
“Ugly.” The word echoed behind your lips leaving bad taste and you flinched at the truth of your statement.
His raised eyebrow left you aching, and embarrassed .
You hit your knee at the counter as an excuse to bite your tongue, but he still had to ask, his silly smile getting on your nerves
“What?”
And you couldn’t ,wouldn’t lie to him, not like this.
“Your mouth is ugly.” You should have stayed quiet.
“Then I won’t kiss you.” And he didn’t.
I
You could feel the press of his vertebrae through the door, his bones digging in painfully, but you pushed back just as hard.
The lights in the room flickered with your breaths and your fingers coiled in a fist around soft hair, you just had to wait it out. Your knuckles were turning white.
Silence was closing in on you and before you knew it there were three clear droplets of salt water in between your bent knees.
If you could just open your mouth you would tell him, you would tell him everything, anything...
„The faucet is leaking. “ Nothing.
The inside of your head was filled with weathered glass when you tried to remember what happened.
He cut your hair, with five dollar scissors. Chopped it off in chunks as you struggled against the mousetrap of his thighs.
The cold hiss of metal against your skin was terrifying, suffocating and your love was drowning, your heart was a holey pocket, filled with uneven curls.
II
Morrissey was sitting in front of the muted television, hiding his freckled kneecaps in the shadows of changing pictures and lights.
His fingers looked crooked, while he repeated the speeches from the top shop commercials, with proper punctuation and exclamatory marks.
It was getting on your nerves, each lie and promise and you were about to turn it off, when he spat out her name, his shoulders curling protectively around his chest.
He looked you straight in the eyes, and your reply was a frightened grimace.
His ugly red mouth was leaving out words, the corners of his lips flickered into backward smiles and no matter how hard you tried to disappear behind closed eyelids, you could still hear his silent screams in the back of your scull.
You were too terrified to speak and your hands trembled on his cheeks. It didn’t matter. He slapped them away and you left him on the floor knowing that she won’t come.
III
Morrissey was lying against your back and half asleep you couldn’t understand which limb, lung, heart was yours. His breaths were stumbling and tripping over your uneven curls, his fingers clinging to your head and you counted his snores, trying to match them to your heartbeat
You could almost see his dreams as your own, his hold so tender and careful, yet Morrissey was never yours. To him you were just another stranger, so you both pretended and you let him make you into whomever he wanted you to be.
C
When you met Morrissey for the second time he was haunted by a girl with such short hair, that she looked just like a boy. But when she smiled, oh when she smiled you couldn’t help but fall in love.
Her dress was simple and she didn’t hide the fact that it was easy to take off, with the zipper at the back half undone. That’s when you realized that you would never love her even if Morrissey did.
Her laughter was too loud and too silly; the gap in between her front teeth as empty as her chest when she gave you things that she didn’t want to have.
You didn’t care and even if you did you tied your complaints with your tongue, because she sold his secrets to perfect strangers for your every word or a kiss. You had no voice, you could not love and she was burying you alive, up to your neck.
When Morrissey found out he broke your nose and you couldn’t dig yourself out.
D
You woke up without coherent thought, too tired to blink so you didn‘t and the fake stars glued to the ceiling burned their way to the back of your scull.
You were hot and tired and the half empty bottle of Martini was weighting down your arm. But you felt safe in the embrace of your sweaty clothes that clung to you like second skin.
The contour of your body was melting away in the dark and you tucked the bottle underneath your shirt with a hiss, pressing it to your heart, as it was the only thing holding you down on this world.
You heard familiar voices coming from the threshold, but couldn‘t understand a word.She was screaming and cursing and crying and you tangled your fingers in some stranger‘s bed sheets, your hitched breaths suddenly the only sound to be heard.
His reply was a gentle kiss, but she only sobbed harder, her hysteria twisting your stomach into knots.
So you did the only thing you could; squeezed your eyes shut, with a pillow atop your head and let fake stars guide you back to sleep.
E
Her apartment was smothered by light when you tiptoed inside, Morrissey’s feet knocking against yours.
He was breathing down your neck and your shoes suddenly felt too small. You just couldn’t recognize this boy, who was yet again thinking, speaking for you and guiding your every step, rewriting your life just like your father. It was driving you mad.
He called her name and it sounded fragile, like your love; on the edge, just an inch away from breaking down. She did not reply playing hide and seek again.
You were the first one to find her with her head in the oven. She was wearing her favorite dress but it was too small, so the zipper was completely undone; the uneven bumps of her spine peeking out from the starving metal mouth, while pale arms cradled protruding stomach protecting it from this world.
You were too young, too stupid, too terrified to understand this, so you thought that she was just asleep and Morrissey did too as he screamed and cursed and tried to shake, to plead her awake. She couldn't hear him. It was too late
You closed your eyes, turned off the gas and dialled 911, knowing that her heart monitor would show a static line.
F
With eyes so wounded and so broken he told you that there were creatures leaving behind the fence of his teeth, and then the first one crawled out and Morrissey’s life was a mess.
You met him at the party. You fell on him, too drunk to move your feet and the bruises from his teeth stayed for weeks on your pale forehead.
When you tried to apologize he laughed about it long and loud and you never tried to say sorry again. Because you weren’t anymore.
B
“Morris?”
“No. M-o-r-r-i-s-s-e-y.”
You couldn’t look away from his mouth, it was just so…
“Ugly.” The word echoed behind your lips leaving bad taste and you flinched at the truth of your statement.
His raised eyebrow left you aching, and embarrassed .
You hit your knee at the counter as an excuse to bite your tongue, but he still had to ask, his silly smile getting on your nerves
“What?”
And you couldn’t ,wouldn’t lie to him, not like this.
“Your mouth is ugly.” You should have stayed quiet.
“Then I won’t kiss you.” And he didn’t.
I
You could feel the press of his vertebrae through the door, his bones digging in painfully, but you pushed back just as hard.
The lights in the room flickered with your breaths and your fingers coiled in a fist around soft hair, you just had to wait it out. Your knuckles were turning white.
Silence was closing in on you and before you knew it there were three clear droplets of salt water in between your bent knees.
If you could just open your mouth you would tell him, you would tell him everything, anything...
„The faucet is leaking. “ Nothing.
The inside of your head was filled with weathered glass when you tried to remember what happened.
He cut your hair, with five dollar scissors. Chopped it off in chunks as you struggled against the mousetrap of his thighs.
The cold hiss of metal against your skin was terrifying, suffocating and your love was drowning, your heart was a holey pocket, filled with uneven curls.
II
Morrissey was sitting in front of the muted television, hiding his freckled kneecaps in the shadows of changing pictures and lights.
His fingers looked crooked, while he repeated the speeches from the top shop commercials, with proper punctuation and exclamatory marks.
It was getting on your nerves, each lie and promise and you were about to turn it off, when he spat out her name, his shoulders curling protectively around his chest.
He looked you straight in the eyes, and your reply was a frightened grimace.
His ugly red mouth was leaving out words, the corners of his lips flickered into backward smiles and no matter how hard you tried to disappear behind closed eyelids, you could still hear his silent screams in the back of your scull.
You were too terrified to speak and your hands trembled on his cheeks. It didn’t matter. He slapped them away and you left him on the floor knowing that she won’t come.
III
Morrissey was lying against your back and half asleep you couldn’t understand which limb, lung, heart was yours. His breaths were stumbling and tripping over your uneven curls, his fingers clinging to your head and you counted his snores, trying to match them to your heartbeat
You could almost see his dreams as your own, his hold so tender and careful, yet Morrissey was never yours. To him you were just another stranger, so you both pretended and you let him make you into whomever he wanted you to be.
C
When you met Morrissey for the second time he was haunted by a girl with such short hair, that she looked just like a boy. But when she smiled, oh when she smiled you couldn’t help but fall in love.
Her dress was simple and she didn’t hide the fact that it was easy to take off, with the zipper at the back half undone. That’s when you realized that you would never love her even if Morrissey did.
Her laughter was too loud and too silly; the gap in between her front teeth as empty as her chest when she gave you things that she didn’t want to have.
You didn’t care and even if you did you tied your complaints with your tongue, because she sold his secrets to perfect strangers for your every word or a kiss. You had no voice, you could not love and she was burying you alive, up to your neck.
When Morrissey found out he broke your nose and you couldn’t dig yourself out.
D
You woke up without coherent thought, too tired to blink so you didn‘t and the fake stars glued to the ceiling burned their way to the back of your scull.
You were hot and tired and the half empty bottle of Martini was weighting down your arm. But you felt safe in the embrace of your sweaty clothes that clung to you like second skin.
The contour of your body was melting away in the dark and you tucked the bottle underneath your shirt with a hiss, pressing it to your heart, as it was the only thing holding you down on this world.
You heard familiar voices coming from the threshold, but couldn‘t understand a word.She was screaming and cursing and crying and you tangled your fingers in some stranger‘s bed sheets, your hitched breaths suddenly the only sound to be heard.
His reply was a gentle kiss, but she only sobbed harder, her hysteria twisting your stomach into knots.
So you did the only thing you could; squeezed your eyes shut, with a pillow atop your head and let fake stars guide you back to sleep.
E
Her apartment was smothered by light when you tiptoed inside, Morrissey’s feet knocking against yours.
He was breathing down your neck and your shoes suddenly felt too small. You just couldn’t recognize this boy, who was yet again thinking, speaking for you and guiding your every step, rewriting your life just like your father. It was driving you mad.
He called her name and it sounded fragile, like your love; on the edge, just an inch away from breaking down. She did not reply playing hide and seek again.
You were the first one to find her with her head in the oven. She was wearing her favorite dress but it was too small, so the zipper was completely undone; the uneven bumps of her spine peeking out from the starving metal mouth, while pale arms cradled protruding stomach protecting it from this world.
You were too young, too stupid, too terrified to understand this, so you thought that she was just asleep and Morrissey did too as he screamed and cursed and tried to shake, to plead her awake. She couldn't hear him. It was too late
You closed your eyes, turned off the gas and dialled 911, knowing that her heart monitor would show a static line.
F
With eyes so wounded and so broken he told you that there were creatures leaving behind the fence of his teeth, and then the first one crawled out and Morrissey’s life was a mess.