Tallulah

The summer of 1963 was spent mostly babysitting the twins, who were starting to walk and knock everything down and cause a general mess because, well, they were babies.

Momma was working—she went back to work at the bakery in June because she was tired of being stuck in the house all day—and Albert was doing work around the house since school was out and he didn't have anything better to do. I didn't mind, because it wasn't like I had very many friends to hang out with in that neighborhood anyway. Maxine was pretty quiet and didn't fuss too much, but Kennedy could be quite the little diva when he wanted to be. I was looking forward to school starting, because then Sophie or Grandma would come over to stay with them.

I went to a private high school in the middle of the city, mostly because Albert insisted I should get the very best education possible, and that school was it. At least, it was according to him. I didn't like it. Even though we were the school's first non-segregated class, it still felt like we were segregated because white boys and white girls would clump up in their little groups, and black girls and black boys would shelter themselves too, and then it was just me. I was too light skinned to be black, but too dark to be white. I didn't understand it.

I didn't like high school at first.

My sisters all had a really good time and I thought I would too. I didn't. Simone had boys calling for her all the time. Katie had a bunch of friends and was part of pretty much every club. They both went out every Friday and Saturday night, and most nights when they had breaks off from school too. And even Winona, despite her grouchiness, was popular too, just because she was a Roosevelt girl, and Roosevelt girls had always been popular.

I wasn't. I had braces and pimples and lacked any kind of social grace. I was in my awkward phase, I guess. No one asked me out or called me or paid me much attention. For the first two or three months, my life was just homework and taking care of the twins when I came home.

It made me feel like I didn't have a place. Well, at least it did until one day, in my biology class, a girl named Rachel Willis volunteered to be my lab partner. Her hair was straight and short and she was kind of on the smaller side and chubby. But she was one of the sweetest girls I'd ever met. It was a start, at least. Rachel invited me to sit with her at lunch, and I did. Her friends were all pretty nice too.

Especially Percy, Rachel's older brother.

Percy was a really nice sophomore. He was smart, and on the football team and the swim team. And he didn't ignore me like everyone else did. He always sat next to me during lunch and sometimes he even walked me to class. He made me feel special. (Just a little.) One day, we were sitting outside for lunch, and I was cold so he gave me his letterman jacket. When I tried to give it back to him, he said I could keep it. Percy even walked me home some days. Until he got his drivers' license, anyway, and then he drove me home in his brand new Coupe when he didn't have practice or a game, which was maybe once or twice a week.

I liked him, which was weird, because I hadn't ever really liked anyone before. I just didn't say anything about it because I didn't know what to say. It wasn't like I had much experience when it came to boys. Somehow, Rachel found out—and I still don't know how, because I never said anything to anyone about it—and started trying to play matchmaker between us, much to my embarrassment.

First, it started with her "forgetting" her books at home when we went to the library downtown to study, meaning that it was just me and Percy, alone. The most he ever did was lend me a pencil when my pen ran out of ink, much to Rachel's chagrin. She then tried inviting me to his games—but I never went because I didn't know how to explain to my parents that I was going to go see a boy I really liked shove other guys' face into the ground and score touchdowns. Plus, someone needed to help them with the twins. It never occurred to me that I could very easily lie to them until Rachel suggested it, but by then the season was over and Homecoming was upon us.

I could already see the gears in Rachel's little head turning.

I didn't want to go to the dance. I didn't think anyone would want to go with me, for starters, and in the event that anyone would have, I probably wouldn't have wanted to go with them. I was kind of picky. Rachel insisted that it would be fun and it would be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

"We're only freshmen," I reminded her, painting my nails on her bed. "We have three more Homecomings left. Just go without me. Have fun."

"Yeah, but I'm not gonna have a good time if you're not there. And we both know that you're not going to go unless Percy asks you. You never know! What if he meets someone else and never asks you out to anything, ever?" She raised an eyebrow and I shrugged.

"I don't want to go. It doesn't matter if he asks me or he doesn't," I said resolutely, glancing down at my short fingernails. "I'm still not going. It's just a stupid dance, Rachel."

"Fine."

I thought that Rachel would let it go after that—after all, it was just some silly little dance anyway—but she didn't. I didn't think she'd go and tell Momma and Albert, but she did. And I didn't think Momma or Albert would really care, but they did.

"You can't not go," Momma said, sipping some water. "It's Homecoming."

"I don't want to go, though."

"It's Homecoming." She raised an eyebrow, wiping Maxine's face. She was a messy eater.

"You didn't go to your Homecoming."

"That's different." They both shoot me a pointed look and I shrug because it's true, she really didn't go. But that was because she was pregnant.

"I don't even have a date, so I can't even go anyway."

"Why do you need a date? Can't you go with a friend?" Albert asked. Albert was a sweetheart, but sometimes he just didn't understand how difficult it was to be my age. Sometimes he tried these 'concerned father' phases. They didn't bother me, but the only problem was that he was concerned about things that wouldn't happen, and didn't see a problem with something that really could happen. Usually, anyway. "What's the difference? At least you're going with someone."

"No. It's Homecoming. You don't understand. It's kind of a big deal," I pointed out. "And I don't want to go so I'm not going to."

"Why don't you go with that Willis boy?" Momma asked, smiling sweetly. I narrowed my eyes at her. Albert looked between us, blue eyes surprised. Kennedy reached for the spoon, making a face. "Percy, is it?"

"You've been talking to Rachel, huh?"

"I don't see what the big deal is. We'll stay home with the kids for once. I mean, he's a nice boy, you're a nice girl—"

"She's a little young to be dating, don't you think?" I glanced at Albert, making a face. Momma tilted her head to the side. "She's only 13, and—"

"And? It's not that kind of date, honey. They're going to be necking in the middle of it or something. Don't be ridiculous. It's just a dance. He's a good kid. And it wouldn't hurt if you actually went out every once in a while," she mentioned, shaking her head as she spooned some food into Maxine's mouth. Kennedy was, as per usual, making a mess, trying to put his hands in his food and tugging at his bib. Albert was having a hard time feeding him.

"Let's just say, for argument's sake, that I decide to go. What makes you think he's going to want to go with me? He's the quarterback, Momma. That means they're probably going to crown him king or something, meaning he probably already has a date that's going to be his queen."

I didn't think it would make sense for him to go with someone that wasn't queen material, because then he'd have to be with another girl, and that didn't seem like something he'd really do.

"Or maybe he wants you to be his date and he's just trying to figure out the best way to ask you?" Momma giggled and made a face at Maxine, wiping her mouth. I glanced down at my half eaten dinner and ate it half heartedly. "It won't kill you to go. I didn't get to any dances when I was your age. I kind of wish I did. You'll regret not going when you're older. Trust me."

It turned out that I couldn't go anyway, even if I wanted to, which I didn't.

The following Monday, two weeks before Homecoming, invitations were handed out—mostly to students that weren't of color. If you didn't have an invitation, you couldn't buy a ticket to get in, which meant that you couldn't go to Homecoming. I was slightly relieved—I didn't want to go anyway—but the fact that the school was going so far out of it's way to make sure that students of color—like me—wouldn't show up made me feel kind of bad.

On the way home from school, Percy showed me his invitation.

"It's 'cause I'm on the football team and all." He shrugged. "Can't have the star quarterback not show up, right?" He laughed mirthlessly. "Did you get one?"

"No."

"Oh." He nodded his head and messed around with his radio before looking at me. "Would you go anyway? If you got one, I mean?"

"No. I didn't really want to go," I said quietly, playing with the books on my lap. "I hope you have a good time, though. Who's your date?"

"I was going to ask you, actually. You don't want to go, though, and you didn't get invited anyway. Maybe I'll invite this girl in my math class." I felt my face heat up as I laughed, looking out my window so as to not look at him. He wasn't being serious, was he?

"Oh. Have fun with that, I guess. Well, um, thanks anyway?" I half asked as he stopped in front of my house. "See ya," I said, getting out of the car quickly. I raced up the driveway and pushed the door open. Maxine and Kennedy were napping on a blanket on the floor. Momma and Albert were being all romantic and dancing in the kitchen, so I let them be and went to my room, shutting the door softly. I threw myself on my bed and kicked my shoes off.

Percy was going to ask me to Homecoming. He wanted me to be his date to Homecoming. He wanted to pick me up. He was going to buy me a corsage. He thought about asking me. He thought about me. I flipped onto my back. I completely blew it.

"Tallulah?" Albert asked, knocking on my door softly. "You okay?" I groaned in response, burying my face into my pillow.

"Go away."

"Okay. I'll be here when you're ready to talk, okay?"

"Go away."

I ruined everything and I felt awful. I stayed in my room for the rest of the evening. I didn't even leave to eat dinner. I didn't do my homework. I just took a bath, changed into my pajamas, and went to sleep.

The next day at school, Rachel told everyone she knew that she was having a party the same night as Homecoming. She hadn't gotten invited either, apparently, even if her brother was the school's beloved quarterback. I didn't want to go to her party either. I still felt bad about what happened with Percy and I didn't feel like going out. On the way home from school that afternoon, Percy didn't bring up the party or Homecoming, and I was grateful. Everything went back to normal. At least, it was normal until the day before Homecoming. There wasn't school that Friday, so school let out at around noon.

I felt slightly better. I did some homework and took a nap. When I woke up, I fixed myself a snack. While I looked for something to drink in the fridge, Albert and Momma came home. They were at the drug store picking up some vitamins with the babies. After that, I started making dinner. Momma went to take a nap and Albert stayed in the living room and started playing with the twins.

I ended up going to Rachel's party anyway, but only because she called me and begged me to come. She said that it was only a couple of friends and that it wouldn't be any fun without me. So I went. Momma told me to be back before nine. I wore an old blue dress with a white collar, some nylons, and a black pair of shoes. Momma wouldn't let me leave until I put on some makeup—much to Albert's chagrin—and then sent me on my way. Albert drove me to Rachel's house with a small frown.

"You don't have to go if you don't want to." He glanced at me. "It's okay. Your mother doesn't need to know. We'll get malt shakes and go see a movie. She won't know the difference." He wriggled his eyebrows at me, laughing.

"It's okay. I want to go. Maybe some other time," I half smiled, laughing. "I'll be fine."

"If a boy tries to touch you—"

"Knee him between the legs, I know."

I laughed and he kissed my forehead. One weekend, before I started high school, Albert and Peter tried to teach me how to fight. I say tried because it was too funny for me to take seriously. I did learn some things, but it wasn't anything life changing or that I wouldn't have figured out on my own.

"Call me if you need me to come get you early, okay?"

"Bye," I said as I climbed out, shutting the door. I waved goodbye and watched as he drove slowly down the street before I went inside.

Apparently, Rachel had decided to invite pretty much everyone who hadn't gotten invited to Homecoming and not just a few friends. Did she know everyone in our grade or something? Her parents weren't home. Even though Percy's car was in the driveway, I still assumed that he was probably at Homecoming, so it would just be all of us. It smelled like cigarettes and spilled wine coolers and stale beer, and I kind of wished I had taken Albert up on his offer, but I didn't want to prove him right. I wanted to feel grown up. I went outside, to her backyard. It was dry and cold, but at least it was better than being inside. I sat on the steps, glancing at my watch. It was only six.

"Hey, stranger." I looked up, only to see Percy standing behind me with a wine cooler in one hand and a can of beer in the other.

"Aren't you supposed to be somewhere else right now?"

"I decided I had better things to do," he said as he helped me up. I brushed the skirt of my dress off, trying to figure out what to say. "It's like a civil protest, like on TV. So... what are you doing out here all by yourself?"

"I don't know." I shrugged, biting my lip.

"Well, we're gonna play a game inside, if you want to come in. It's kind of cold out here, Tallulah."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. It'll be fun." He smiled and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. "C'mon."

It turned out that the game was Seven Minutes In Heaven, which Simone had kind of explained to me during her last visit, but not really. It didn't seem like very many people were playing, just some of the people I knew from lunch, Rachel and some guy, and Percy and me. I felt kind of uncomfortable, but I didn't want to make a scene or anything, so I just stayed put. Maybe they'd forget about us or something and we wouldn't have to go.

No such luck.

After this other sophomore and her boyfriend stumbled out of Rachel's coat closet, she shoved me and Percy in. It was dark and musty, and weird. Percy kept stepping on my feet, and then he kissed me. I just stood there at first because I didn't know what to do. I didn't feel any different. Percy was all over the place, squeezing my waist and holding my face and doing all sorts of crazy things. I pushed him away after a minute or two of sloppy kisses because he was making me really uncomfortable. And then I realized that while I liked Percy, I didn't like him enough to have him slobber all over my face or try to cop a feel. I dug my nails into his wrist until he stopped, scowling.

"What?" he asked, confused. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, shooting him a look.

"Don't do that ever again."

"But I thought—"

"Don't."

"I thought that—"

"Just don't, okay?" I pushed myself as far as I could into the wall. "This was a mistake."

"But—"

"I should probably leave," I said, fumbling blindly for the door knob. "Bye."

"Tallulah!"

I opened the door and straightened out my dress. I shoved my way through to the bathroom and locked myself inside, leaning against the door. I wiped the messy lipstick off my face, frowning at how disheveled I looked. I pulled my hair into a ponytail and ran my tongue over my braces. I still looked the same. And felt the same. Sort of. I shrugged.

I left after that. I didn't bother calling Albert because I didn't see the point. Our house was only a couple of blocks away. I didn't get what the big deal was about kissing anyway. It didn't feel as good as people said it did. Maybe Percy was really bad at it. Or was I frigid? Simone said some girls were. I didn't know what kind of frigid, but the way she said it made it seem pretty bad. What if Percy was just a really good kisser and it felt sloppy because I didn't know what to do? That still wasn't an excuse for him to get all touchy-feely. I walked into my house with a frown, trying to figure it out. Albert was grading some tests. Momma was sleeping on the couch. Maxine and Kennedy were asleep in their play pen.

Albert looked at me, frowning.

"Are you okay?" I nodded, leaning against the door. I took off my shoes and walked over to him, sitting down. "What happened?" I shook my head, leaning against the couch with heavy sigh. "That bad, huh?" I nodded. "Want some ice cream? I bought mint chocolate chip while you were out."

Mint chocolate chip was my favorite. I smiled a little, nodding.

"Yes, please."