Tallulah

"Everything I do is for you."

I glance around our room, rubbing my raw face as I take in the curtains I knocked down in one of my fits - I may have thrown a picture frame and ended up knocking the whole thing down when I thought about her with him in our bed. The sun is just starting to come up. I don't even know what day it is anymore. It's been at least a week, maybe two, since it happened, maybe. But I do know that I've listened to this record at least three times in the last hour because it was our favorite, because we danced around the house to it on lazy Saturday afternoons, because it made me think of the good memories attached to it, before it all got so damn messy between us. I ripped the sheets off the bed as soon as I locked myself in here, but it's not like I've been sleeping very much.

I threw our wedding album and now the pictures are all scattered around the room. I spot one of us at the courthouse, happily married, and that's all it takes to get the tears flowing again, because goddamn it, we were happy. Weren't we? I take a deep breath as I hear him potter about the house restlessly.

He was in here. With her. Out of all the places in the world - here. Our home. He could have been with her in the car or at the office or at her house or apartment or whatever or maybe a seedy motel and it would have been kind of okay. But our home? Our home? In our bed?

"I will change if I must, slow it down..."

"Morning," he says quietly. I scowl, seething, as I stare at the locked door.

We go through his every morning, as if a new day will change what has happened and as if I'll magically forgive him if he apologizes enough. And every morning, a small part of me crumbles at the thought that he really did do that to me. When he comes home from work, it's much of the same. He'll make dinner and sit outside the door with a plate until late into the night. I, of course, do my best to ignore him and his pleas for forgiveness.

"Tallulah, please," he coaxes gently, knocking on the door. I throw one of my shoes at the door angrily, tired of screaming - can I even talk anymore? My throat feels like it's on fire. I've been crying every single day since Valentines' Day, and I've told him to go to hell more times than I can count. And he's still here. "Aren't you gonna come on out, baby?"

I can't help it - I don't want to give him the satisfaction of hearing me cry (or hearing from me at all) - but the tears and sobs leave me loudly as I sit on the unmade bed and struggle to catch my breath. I don't care if the neighbors even hear me anymore because he said he loved me and I believed him.

"Don't cry, baby girl. C'mon," he says softly, wriggling the doorknob. "You know how much I hate hurting you."

"So why'd you do it?!" I ask, throwing another shoe at the door in my anger. "How could you do that to me?"

"Lulu, I - "

"You're going to be late for work," I say blankly, hoping he'll leave. I want a nice hot shower, I want to watch some old movies - I want to have a good old fashioned cry on the couch, alone. And since he didn't work on the weekends, he had spent a good part of last weekend knocking on the door and trying to get me to come out. It's not like I didn't leave our room - I just waited until I heard his car pulling out and grabbed what I could before barreling back into the room before he came back. At least I was nice enough to toss some of his clothes onto the couch so he wouldn't have to wear the same thing every day.

"Tallulah - "

"Seriously. It's already ten to eight. You're late." Why won't he just go? I sniffle a little, rubbing my nose as I glance at myself in the mirror. My face feels stiff as I tell him to leave, again, and finally he buckles and sighs.

"Love you, Lulu. I'll be back soon."

He walks slowly, footsteps echoing on the hardwood floor as he gathers his things.

"Lulu?"

"Go away."

The car pulls out of the driveway and I sigh in relief, shoulders sagging as I unlock the door and walk out into the hallway. I rub at my rings anxiously - does it even mean anything anymore? Was it all a big lie? Why would he do something like that to me if he loved me? He loves me, I know he does, because you don't pick up and just elope with someone you don't love. I start on making myself breakfast - I didn't bring anything with me to eat for dinner, and I wasn't opening the door for him because I really didn't want to talk to him, even if I was kind of really hungry - trying not to think about it. But how can't I? How could he do something like that to me?

After I eat, I do some light cleaning - I really don't have to, but I need to keep my hands and mind busy, because if I don't, I'll start crying, and I'm tired of being sad, even if it all really does hurt. I soon realize that there isn't anything for me to clean anymore - Addie's gone and cleaned the whole damn house. (He's a bit of a nervous cleaner sometimes.) By then, it's time for lunch, but I'm not really hungry. I put on a happier record and sigh as I go into my room - because there's no us, not anymore, not really. It takes me almost two hours to get everything back in it's place - all the pictures I hadn't torn to bits back in their albums, new curtains and sheets and pillow cases and everything.

I lay down and stare at the ceiling, trying to calm my breathing. The phone rings shrilly in the living room and I bite my lip - it could be Addie, but it could also be my parents or my sisters or someone else - as I get out of bed, shuffling to it slowly.

"Hello?"

"Hi, baby!" my mother chirped. I gulped as I leaned against the wall, staring out the window. "How are you guys? I haven't heard from you in a few days."

"Oh, hey Momma. How's it going? We're okay," I say lightly, biting my thumbnail. "Just... we've just been really busy lately. Addie's working a lot and I'm... home. Just kind of slipped my mind to call you, Momma." I sigh and wipe my face with my hand, sighing. "I'm sorry. How are the twins?"

"They're good. Ask for you all the time. When are you guys coming home, huh? One of these days we're all just going to pop up on your doorstep, baby. You just wait," she laughed and I laughed too, feeble and fake. "Kennedy's been in one of his moods lately and Max has been drawing a lot, so they're pretty normal. They're in the yard with Albert. Do you want to say hello?"

"That's okay," I say, shaking my head. "I can't talk for too long anyway, Momma."

She paused for a few heavy seconds.

"Is something going on, baby?" she asks. I can hear the concern in her voice and bite my lip, frowning.

"What do you mean? I'm fine."

"You don't sound like yourself, honey. Is everything okay? Is he hitting you? You can come home, baby. It's okay, you don't have to stay - "

"He's not hitting me," I laughed, closing my eyes. "Don't be crazy, Momma. Why would Addie hit me?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yes." I could hear her sigh and I felt bad, lying to her, but what else could I do? "I really am fine, Momma. But I have to go now, okay? I've got to get dinner going."

"Call me soon, okay? Albert's got some vacation days and we want to come see y'all soon."

"Yeah. Bye, momma." I hung up and wiped at my eyes, biting my lip.

Addie and I spent the next two or three days doing much of the same - he would beg and plead for me to just open the door and I'd tell him to leave me alone. On a Friday morning, Addie left early, like he always did. The day started pretty normally. I made lunch, made enough to eat later on when Addie came home, and then did some of the laundry. When I was hanging some dresses and pants on the clothesline, the phone rang inside.

It was Addie, of course.

"I'm going to be late today, Lulu. We're going out for drinks. Do you want me to pick you up before we go?"

"You don't have to come home if you don't want to, Addie. Why don't you just stay out all night, huh? Is Marina gonna be there?"

"Lulu - "

"I don't care if or when you come home. I'm not waiting up for you. You can do whatever you want, since that's what you're doing already anyway."

"Baby, don't be like this - "

"Goodbye, Addie." I hung up and stood there for a few minutes, wiping my eyes with a tiny frown. I went outside and finished hanging up the clothes, then got dressed. I took a bus downtown, went and got my hair done and had some time to myself. Since he probably wasn't going to be home until later (or maybe not at all) I was going to go out and pamper myself.

That only killed about an hour or so. I went to the travel agency next and asked about a single, one-way ticket back home and found out that it would only cost me around $75 or so, in the event that I did decide to leave Addie. I couldn't, because as angry as I was, I still loved him. After I did all that, I decided to go to Macy's and went shopping.

While I was going through the racks, I saw Gloria, with her big blonde curls and sunglasses, trying on some shoes. I tried to duck down and hide, but it was to no avail.

"Tallulah! Hey, Tallulah!" I sighed, trying to supress an eye roll.

I was fairly certain that almost everyone in our circle of friends knew about what happened between Addie, Marina, and me, mostly because I kind of made a scene and our neighbors all knew us and, by extention, knew Addie and his circle of friends, which unfortunately happened to include the infamous gossip we all knew as Gloria. I wanted to sink into the linoleum underneath my feet and melt.

"Hi, Gloria," I said awkwardly, patting her back lightly as she hugged me. She glanced up at me - she had always been on the tiny side - pushing some of her hair behind her ear as she grinned. "Shopping, huh?"

"Mmhm. Irv's taking me to Yosemite this weekend and I have no idea what to wear and I can't go out in these dirty old rags - " Never in my life have I ever seen Gloria so much as repeat a pair of earrings, much less an entire outfit. " - so I'm just window shopping, a little." She had both arms filled with paper bags hanging off with tiny little strings, pink and blue and gold. "You know how it is. How've you been?"

"I've been, um, good." I smiled and nodded, looking down at the dress in my hands. "Just having a bit of a shopping trip myself since Addie's going to be home late, I think. Something at the office." A look crossed her face that I didn't understand but paid no mind to as I picked up another dress. "So it's just you and Irving going, then?"

"No, silly! Of course not. It's gonna be me, him, Tony and Annie, Erin and Harv and Casey. I invited Adonis, but when he wasn't really interested and when Marina - " She stopped short as her face dropped and she laughed, shaking her head. "Sorry, I um - "

"You what?"I asked, raising an eyebrow as she struggled to find something to say.

"Marina and Addie aren't going." I shrugged, trying to keep my expression still. "Well, Adonis was invited, but he thought you wouldn't want to go, but he was going to ask you. Thought he did?" She slumped her thin shoulders timidly. "Guess not. Anyway... Marina, um - I just didn't want her to go in case you were going, you know, 'cause - "

"Why?" I asked, looking at her as I bit my lip.

"Tallulah, well, um - "

"Did you know, Gloria?" I asked her quietly, trying to keep my voice even. I could feel my eyes burn, tears being swallowed slowly. "Did you know that Marina and Addie were together?"

"Tallaluh, I just - "

"You knew, didn't you?" She nodded guiltly, hand on my wrist.

"I can explain, just - "

I shook her off, shaking my head as I grabbed my things.

"You know what Gloria? Screw you and your fancy, happy life. I'm happy we're such good friends that you could tell me my husband was fucking the office intern on Valentines' Day, of all things. Thanks so much for all your help." I shook my head. "You've got some nerve - "

"Tallulah, relax - "

"Relax? Yeah, you can tell me to relax after you catch that dirty geezer you call a husband getting his dick sucked by some girl in your goddamn fancy California king sized bed, okay? Bye, Gloria. I have to go spend the rest of my night alone in my lonely old house while the love of my life is out making out in some dirty alley somewhere with some stupid girl named Marina. It's actually really time consuming."

"You're making a scene."

"A scene?" I hissed, narrowing my eyes. "You're supposed to be my friend, and you knew that he was diddling some stupid barely legal floozy and you couldn't pick up the phone to let me know? What were you busy doing again? Because you don't work and all you do is lounge poolside and tan while you gossip about your A-list celebrity neighbors and laugh about everyone else's misfortune."

"You're acting like I haven't caught Irv before, Tallulah. I have. Countless numbers of times. Yesterday, even. Do I care? No. I get even. You think I keep those pool boys around 'cause they do such a damn good job?" She scoffed. "Stop being such a baby, Tallulah."

"I actually love the stupid bastard, something you wouldn't know anything about. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a bottle of wine with my name on it back at my house, where my husband brought that - that thing and where you couldn't bother to let me know about it. Have fun with your trip though. Hope you don't get mauled by a rabid bear or something."

I stormed away then, shaking as I made my way to the nearest clerk to buy my things. After getting everything sorted away, I walked down the boulevard in the rain - at least I had my umbrella on me - and flagged down a cab. I struggled not to cry for the entire ride, paid the scrawny driver, then made my way up my slippery driveway.

I shut the door and lean against it, wiping my eyes a little as I start to undress. I tossed my bags in my room, glancing around at the dark room for a few seconds before walking out. I felt like taking a nice bath to unwind - I had just yelled at a pretty well known popular socialite in a pretty busy and crowded store and was pretty sure that the social consequences were going to be pretty bad, found out that my friend knew about my husband's little affair of sorts and had seen no reason to let me know about it, and just generally felt pretty awful.

While I ran some water, the phone rang. It was Momma, again.

"Baby? You okay?" she asked me worriedly after a few minutes of meaningless conversation about the job market and the weather. "You can talk to me."

"What goin' on?" I asked, sniffling a little. "What are you talkin' about?"

"Why is Adonis callin' his mom, talkin' 'bout how you won't leave the room and how upset you are all the time?" Of course, he'd leave out why. Of course. "What's goin' on? Y'all fightin'? I swear to God, if he laid a hand on you - "

"I'm fine, Momma. Just a little sick. Calm down."

"Sick how? Like... like baby sick?"

"No, Momma. Lord Almighty." I shook my head, holding my towel tightly around my shivering frame. Having kids was honestly the farthest thing from my mind at that point. "What's wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with you, Tallulah Mae? You've got that boy worried sick."

"I'm - it's fine, okay? We're fine. He's just overreacting a little. I just don't want him to get sick too, you know? There's a bug going around." I coughed for extra measure. "He gets sick pretty easily, Momma." That was a bold-faced lie. The only times Addie even got close to sick was when he'd get allergies in the spring. I could hear the twins laughing in the backyard and Albert yelling in the background at them. "Just bein' a little cautious, I guess."

"You sure, baby? You wouldn't lie to your momma, now, would ya?"

"Momma, come on now. I've gotta run, okay? I'm about to take a bath and don't wanna flood the bathroom." I laughed. "Tell everyone I love them, and tell Agnes to relax. We're all okay. Bye." I hung up the phone and made my way to the bathroom. I dropped my towel on the floor and slipped into the bubbly water, brushing my hair up with my fingers. I stared at the wall, biting my lip. I felt restless, fidgety. I couldn't even relax much in the tub, so I just unplugged the drain, dried off, and pulled my night shirt (Addie's) over my head, huffing angrily as I sorted through the things I had bought that day.

I was thinking about going back to Momma's. Just for a few days. I just needed some clarity, and Los Angeles wasn't going to give me a single drop. All I did was walk around the house, eat chocolate turtles, and cry to the soundtrack of old sad love songs anyway. I didn't think very much. I understood what had happened, of course - saw it with my own two eyes - but just couldn't grasp why it happened. Why? That was the only question Addie couldn't answer.

Had I been neglecting him? Was he lonely? I couldn't help not being the social butterfly he was. I had always been on the shy side and he knew that. Did he feel like he couldn't be with me that way anymore? What had I done wrong? I sat down at my mirror, blinking the tears away a little as I arranged my perfume and lotion and face creams and powders. I twisted my rings on my fingers, sighing softly.

What happened between us that made him feel like that was an option?

The front door creaked open and I sighed, pulling my hair up in a messy bun.

"Tallulah?" Addie asked. "You home, doll?" I scowled. The bedroom door was unlocked. Of course. I heard him walking slowly though the house. "Lulu? Honey? Where'd ya go?" I debated locking the door but didn't even bother getting up, glancing down at the brush in my hands. He whistled quietly as he walked into the bathroom. I held my breath as he showered. I should have locked the door, kept him out at least. I didn't.

It didn't occur to me, of course, that he'd need to get clean clothes to wear after his shower. He just walked right in and over to the dresser, smiling a little at me as he held a white towel around his hips.

"Hey, Lulu. Did you have a good day, baby?" I simply stared at him as he dressed, watching as he calmly grabbed a pair of underwear and shorts, sliding them over his tan legs. I glared at him as he pulled a shirt over his head. He dried his hair off and then went back to the bathroom to brush his teeth. I climbed into bed and sat on the cream comforter, staring at the door with a deep set frown. When he walked back in the room, he rubbed some lotion onto his hands, opened the window - he always slept with the window open, always - and climbed into bed.

"What are you doing?"

"Oh, me? I'm going to bed. It's a little late." He set his watch on his nightstand and pointed at the clock. "It's almost midnight. Aren't you tired?"

"Your bed is in the pullout in the living room, Addie. If you're tired, you're more than welcome to sleep there."

"No, my bed is here, with my wife, in our house. And I'm going to go to sleep with my wife, in our bed. You can pout and sulk all you want, baby doll." He shrugged and kissed my forehead. "I'm still staying right here." He turned his lamp off and sighed, closing his eyes as he laid down. "Goodnight." I turned my lap off too and laid down, staring at the ceiling. I couldn't sleep.

"Get out."

"I have work tomorrow, baby. I need my sleep."

"Get out of my room," I said quietly, nudging him. "Leave." I turned over to the other side, body stiff and uncomfortable. "Can't you just go away? Please?"

"It's our room. I live here too."

"Yeah? It's ours? Was it ours when you brought her here, huh? Was it?" I started to cry a little, tears smarting my eyes as they soaked my pillow. "Just go away, Addie. Please."

"Tallulah, you know how much I hate seeing you cry." He held my hand gently, squeezing it. "I don't know how else to tell you that I'm sorry, okay? I'm so terribly sorry and if I could take it back - "

"But you can't, Addie. Who else knew, huh? Gloria knows. Did you know that? Your little girlfriend's been running her mouth." I sat up and let go of his hand, wrapping my arms around myself. "You go on now, okay? Go on and leave me be. I'm goin' home tomorrow."

"You are home, Lulu."

"To Momma, okay? I'm goin' to Momma's house. I'm - I'mma leave you be, okay? Marina is who you want and I get that and I don't wanna be tying you down if you don't love me no more and - "

"Lulu, how could you say I don't love you, huh?" He cupped my face. "Look at me and tell me I don't love you. Every little goddamn thing I do is for you, baby. How are you gonna sit there and tell me I don't love you anymore?"

"You don't, though. 'Cause if you did you wouldn't have done that, with her. I'm not her and I get that, okay? I'm not that pretty and cool and trendy and - and - and I'm not as popular as her and I get that you wanna make it here and she's probably your ticket to fame and all that nonsense and I'm just - I'm holding you back, aren't I? Maybe I'll stay with Simone or somethin'."

"Why are you doing this?"

"I love you. Don't you know that? And when you love someone, you let them go if you have to, because their happiness matters more to you than your own and even if it hurts, you gotta say goodbye."

"I'm - "

"What? What are you gonna say? If I hear you say you're sorry one more time - " I huff, laying back down and stare at the ceiling. "Just stop, okay? Stop."

We lay in a quiet silence. It starts to rain outside, quiet pitter-patters on the patio outside.

"Tallulah?" I glance over at him and he's looking at me, biting his lip. "I don't know why I did it. And I don't know why it was her because I don't even like her, not really. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that you would be coming home any minute and would catch us. I don't know why I let any of it happen. But I know that I hurt you and that hurting you is the last thing I'll ever want to do to you because I love you. And I know that I love you. I always have."

I start to wipe at my face and sigh quietly.

"And I know that things aren't the way they should be right now. I know that I've failed you and that I haven't been the kind of man you need. I know that I've neglected you and I know that you're not happy. I know we can be happy, together, if we just try. But I also know that if you walk out that door tomorrow and leave, I'm not going to be the same. I know you won't forget what happened," he says, resting his arm around me and pulling me close. "I know that I haven't done right by you - that you've had to eat way too many dinners all alone and that you've had to sleep in an empty bed. I know I've missed you." He presses a simple kiss to my temple, squeezing me. "Missed holding you like this, kissing you, touching you, being with you."

"I missed you too."

"And I know that I haven't been fair to you, but I'm gonna change that. You just watch me, baby doll. I'm talking about nights out, fancy dinners, trips to the beach just 'cause - I'm gonna treat you right."

"You promise?"

"Of course, Lulu." He pressed a kiss to my neck.

I should have known it would only get worse. But how could I? I was young and stupid and in love. Still kind of am, in a sad way.