Tallulah

There's no place like home.

I missed Alabama, I did, missed the spongy earth and spring rains and beautiful flowers and people and food and things that New York City just didn't have because it was too big and busy. I missed the skies, blue and cloudless, the soft hum of fireflies in the backyard during the summer, the gentle breezes and occasional storms. I missed simple kindnesses, missed feeling like I belonged.

(The problem was that I had forgotten how terribly fake people were and how they could act so kind and friendly to my face and stab me in the back as soon as I turned around.)

Our families had mixed feelings about me having a baby.

On the one side, my family was excited - not even Winona had anything negative to say, but I wasn't really talking to her anyway. Momma cried and Albert and I just shared our secret little smile and laugh. The twins were beside themselves with happiness, and my aunts had fawned and fussed over me whever they saw us.

But his family wasn't that happy. His father was - he wanted grandchildren - but his mother simply sighed and looked at me resignedly, like it was wrong, like I didn't have the right and like it was my fault. It wasn't like I killed anyone - I was just having a baby. Euphemia, who had by then moved back to the States and had been living with a college professor she had met during her travels, simply told me that I was making a mistake and asked me, when we were alone, if I wanted to get rid of it. Of course, I told she was being crazy - it's a baby, Euphemia! - and that we'd be fine.

(I think, out of everyone we knew, that Euphemia was the only one who ever really suspected her cousin of any wrong doing and treated him accordingly.)

I wanted to stay with Momma while we got on our feet - a week or two at most - but Addie insisted we'd be more comfortable with his parents. By we, of course, he meant him. Everything was about him. And since I was too tired to argue, I went along with it. I know his mother didn't like me, but I thought that after we told her I was expecting, she'd change her attitude, at least a little - but no. If anything, she just scowled and made faces at me and made me feel uncomfortable regardless of what I was doing. When Addie was home, she'd try to keep it under wraps, but it never really worked. I don't know if he told her we were having problems, or if Momma did (I never said anything, but I had a feeling my mother knew something was wrong) but either way, she never really warmed up to me.

After a week of her sullen glares and quiet quips, I dragged him out and took him house hunting with me. There was no way I was going to deal with throwing up, being dizzy and hungry all the time, and his mother and no one could make me. Addie did, after all, have a talent for finding us a comfortable place to stay, no matter where we went.

This time, it was a beautiful big tan house with matching green shutters and a wrap around porch and a nice yard. When I asked Addie why he had bought such a large home, he simply smiled and kissed my forehead and told me that we'd need the space, since this was only the beginning of our family.

If at all possible, I felt even more lonely, more so than before. He started working for the old news station he worked for before we got married and was home more than he had ever been before, but for some reason, I still felt lonely. I couldn't explain it. I think he could tell I wasn't myself - mostly everyone could. I wanted to be happy, wanted to force myself into getting excited - I was having a baby, finally - but I just couldn't. And when Addie became frustrated with my sadness, he'd lash out for about an hour or so and then apologize and blame on stress from work, but I knew better.

He was getting sick of me, again, and he was itching to go out and find someone new. But how would that look? (He was always so worried about how things would look.)

I didn't have anyone to talk to about it either - about how I'd lay awake in the middle of the night and stare at him and wonder where the sweet, innocent boy I fell in love with went and what he had done to him, wonder what it was that all those other women had in common that I just so happened to lack - which only made me feel worse. I couldn't tell Momma - she was convinced I was happy and was only too happy at the prospect of another grandchild - or anyone else, at least, not right then.

I wanted a friend - just someone I could confide in and talk to things about and spend time with that wasn't him.

I met said friend at a party.

I had run into Percy at the grocery store and after we had caught up a little, he invited me to a 'little get-together' his wife was having. I was hesitant at first, but he told me it'd be fun and that he wanted to meet 'the boy I'd run off with'. He was still my friend, after all, and it wasn't like I'd be going alone, so I told him we'd be there.

Of course, Addie had to ruin the night before we even left.

"Why do we have to go again?" he grumbled, buttoning his shirt as I fixed my lipstick, cleaning it off my teeth. He shot me a look, frowning. "If I remember correctly, wasn't he sort of in love with you?"

"No, he wasn't," I said, rolling my eyes. "And even if he was, which he wasn't, he's married now." He kept grumbling and I shot him a look, flipping my hair over my shoulder. "You don't have to come if you have somewhere else you'd rather be."

"And leave you alone with him? I don't think so." He walked over, hugging me as he pressed a kiss to the top of my head. I pressed some powder to my face, sighing as I tried shrugging him off.

"Have I ever given you a reason not to trust me?" I turned to look at him, face blank. "If anyone has any reason not to trust someone in this relationship, it's me." He stilled, shoulders falling a little.

"I'm going to go start the car."

"You go do that."

I finished getting ready once he walked out of the room, steaming as I fixed my earrings and grabbed my pocketbook. He had a lot of nerve, but I told myself that I wasn't going to let him ruin my night. Not like he had before.

The drive down to Percy's house was quiet. He was pouting and sulking and I was too busy scowling, narrowing my eyes as I stared out the window shield. I felt nostalgic as we drove through our old neighborhood - I fell in love with him here - and he pointed out the old fountain we'd meet up when I snuck out of my house in the middle of the night or the park we used to take the twins to.

Percy and his wife lived in one of those newer apartment buildings on the other side of town, all new brick and shiny doors - they even had a doorman.

"I have work early tomorrow, so we're only staying for a little while," he grumbled as the elevator doors opened on the third floor. I shot him a look, moving some of my hair out of my face.

"Nobody says you have to stay."

Percy answered the door, face falling a little when Addie refused to answer any of his questions and instead went straight for the liquor on the other side of the room.

"He's a real charmer, huh?" Percy tried to joke, smiling awkwardly.

"You have no idea," I said, shrugging. "Sorry. He's just not himself tonight, I guess."

"Can I get you anything?" Before I could answer, he was being pulled away to do something, so I stood there awkwardly, leaning against the wall as I watched people dance and smoke and drink and have a good time. I don't think I've ever felt more alone than right then, and I don't know why.

"Can't have any fun just standing here." I turned, curious. I didn't really know anyone at the party, so she caught me by surprise. "You're Tallulah, aren't you?" I nodded, feeling awkward as she shook my limp hand firmly. "Percy's told me so much about you. I'm his wife, Grace."

I have very few nice things to say about Grace Willis. Very, very few. But I have to give credit where credit is due - she really was pretty beautiful, with big green eyes and her pale little face and curly black hair. She was curvy and shapely, had dimples pressing into her cheeks, and the whitest teeth I've ever seen, and was always so sharply dressed with her signature pair of heels and big dangly earrings.

She grinned, holding out her small hand.

I guess I can say we hit it off - talking about the boys (all she could do was complain about him - she never loved him, I know it and all I could do was simper and shrug because I didn't know how to explain that I was more unhappy that I'd ever been in my whole life) and other silly, little things. We said our goodbyes once Addie decided that he was properly drunk, hanging off me as he kissed my cheek sloppily and slurred something about getting home.

I never really got the hang of driving stick so it took us about an hour to get home instead of ten minutes, between starting and stopping and trying to keep Addie from throwing up in the car.

Of course, you can imagine my surprise when she called me a day or so later asking me if I wanted to go out to lunch. I wanted to say no - come up with some excuse, but the more I thought about it, I couldn't see anything wrong with it. It would be a one time thing, right?

The problem, I think, was that I opened up to her too easily. She was so patient and kind and just listened, so it was too easy for me to let her in and for us to become friends. The fact that she didn't share very much of anything didn't really sink in until much later (it was too late by then, anyway) and it wasn't something I even paid much attention to. I was just so wrapped up in having someone I could be around that wasn't him and wasn't going to judge me (like my sisters).

By the end of March, she and Percy were eating dinner with us every few nights (or vice versa), going out to movies and dancing - we even went camping one weekend. And I trusted her. Little Grace Willis could do no wrong in my eyes and why would she? She was one of my closest friends and seemed to me to be one of the most honest, purest people I knew and no one could tell me otherwise.

It just started to get a little odd one late afternoon in April. Katie had come to visit my parents for a week, and she wanted to see our new house and eat dinner with us that evening. I wanted to be happy that she was coming - she was my oldest sister, after all, and I really did miss her - but I couldn't be. I had a weird feeling about her coming, but shrugged it off. I took a cab to Momma's, and after a few minutes of hugging and laughing, we piled in her car.

Katie spent most of the ride talking about her new job and how happy she was, how big her baby was getting, and how amazing her life was now. I smiled and nodded, guiding her down the streets (make a right here, turn left, no - keep going straight) as my mind wandered to our home. Would she like it? She could be really judgmental and if she didn't like it, none of other sisters would either.

"Tally?" I looked over at her, smiling a little. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm just a little tired," I murmured quietly, sinking into my seat. I couldn't ever lie to her. I felt the car slowing down as she came to a stop next to a curb. I could already spot my house in the distance. Addie was home early, I noted, our car sitting in the driveway. Great. "I haven't been sleeping because my back hurts a little. That's all."

"Tally."

"What? I'm really fine." I tried to laugh it off, shaking my head. "We should really get going. I left the stove on and - "

"Forget the damn stove, Tallulah Mae," Katie said, shutting the ignition off with a quick jerk of her delicate hand. "What's happening?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." I felt the tension in the car build as her lips set into a firm line. "If I don't have dinner ready before Addie's home, he's - "

"He'll what?" she cut in, turning to look at me questioningly. She was quiet for a few heavy moments before starting again. "What'll he do? Is he hurting you? Did he hit you?"

"What? No. Don't be ridiculous." I laughed awkwardly as she looked at me seriously, her eyes worried. "Addie wouldn't hurt me, okay? He loves me. Not every man is Trent."

"But some are. I don't like seeing you like this, Tally. You're not yourself. Where's the girl I knew?"

"Don't be so dramatic, Kate. I'm pregnant. I'm pretty sure you didn't feel like yourself when you were having Hayley too." Katie shot me her signature look, raising an eyebrow. "I'm fine. Really."

"Maybe Momma and Albert are too afraid to say anything to you, but I'm not. Is he doing something to you?"

"No," I protested weakly, sighing. "I'm fine. We're fine, okay? We're fine." I felt my eyes smarting as I cursed quietly, propping my head up with my hand. "Just - can we just go?"

"Why are you crying if everything is fine?" I hiccupped, biting my lip to keep from being too loud. She rubbed my back as I cried, shaking my head. "He can't hurt you if you leave."

"But I can't. I love him." I looked up at her. She wiped my cheeks with a kerchief gently, a sad smile on her face. "I love him so much. And he just - he does things and says things and he just keeps hurting me and I can't leave him. I don't know why. I just - maybe I love him too much. I know he loves me and I just can't go."

"Yes you can. I did. It's hard, but it's worth it," Katie said quietly, smoothing my hair down. "If makes you happy and keeps you safe, okay? That's the most important thing."

"But he'll change, you know? I know he will. You have to believe me, Katie. He's different."

"Tallulah, men like him don't change - "

"No! No, you don't know him like I do." I shrugged her hand off, trying to calm my breathing down. "He's a good man. He's just... he's just frustrated because I'm - "

"Because you what? Because you're a damn good woman? Because you clean up after him? No, I bet it really grinds his gears when you wake up at the crack of dawn just to fix him breakfast and kiss him goodbye before he leaves for work every day. Bet you really make him mad when you're on your feet when you should be on bed rest because you're having his baby. What could you possibly be doing wrong?"

"I'm... I don't know. But still - he's just - he's good, okay? And smart and he's... he's mine and he loves me. I know he does. I just... I have to stop being so needy."

"Needy? He married you. He asked you to marry him. He got you pregnant. You're not the needy one, okay?"

"Okay." I bit my lip, pushing some of my hair behind my ear. "Please don't say anything to him. "Please." Katie sighed heavily. "I can't - I just - I don't want to lose him."

"What about your baby?"

"He won't hurt the baby again," I mumbled as she turned the car on. "Not this time."

"What do you mean again?"

"Nothing." She looked at me sternly, scowling.

"Tally - "

"Nothing, okay? I just - it slipped out, that's all."

"What did he do?"

"Can we please go? He's home already and I don't want him to be anymore upset than he already is and - "

"Oh, he's gonna know what upset is if you don't tell me what the hell he did to the baby," she promised, clicking her seatbelt in again. "Tally?"

"He was drunk, okay? It's not like he did it on purpose."

"Did what?" I looked down at my lap, smoothing out the wrinkles on my dress. My heart thudded harshly in my chest as my face grew red and eyes smarted again. "Don't tell me this isn't your first pregnancy." I sat there as fat tears rolled down my cheeks. Katie slammed her hands harshly against her steering wheel, dashboard shaking with the impact as she cursed loudly, turning the key in the ignition. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I don't - I don't know." I wiped my face as we started to cruise slowly down the street. "I - I was scared."

"Tallulah Mae - "

"It was just once. It wasn't his fault and he didn't even remember. He didn't even know I was pregnant. I w-was going to tell him, and then - it just - I couldn't get a word in and he was so mad and I just - " I hiccupped again, shaking. "You can't tell him. Or Momma. Or anyone. Please. He doesn't even know, and I just - I - I don't want him to know."

"I'm going to be damned if I leave you in that house with that man, by yourself. I have to do something." I looked at her sternly. "He's going to find out what hurt is when I'm done with him."

"Don't you dare - "

"What?" She raised an eyebrow, shaking her head at me. "Fine. Fine, Tallulah Mae. But don't you dare come crying to me when he finally goes and kills you."

We drove down to my house in silence, Katie fuming as I tried not to cry again. I pulled the visor down and looked at myself in the small mirror, fixing my hair and drying my face off with the hem of my dress. Katie turned off the car and stormed off as I slowly opened my door and followed her. Her heels clicked against the pavement angrily. She tapped her foot furiously on the porch as I finally caught up to her.

I sighed and unlocked the door, bracing myself for Addie yelling about dinner being late. Instead, I was met with laughter and a sense of foreboding. Katie and I looked at each other as I shoved my keys back into my pocketbook.

"Hello?" I asked, standing in front of the door warily. Grace, of all people, poked her head out in the little archway between the kitchen and living room. (The only thing that stupid house didn't have was an actual dining room, much to my dismay, so we always ate in the kitchen.)

"Hey, Lu! It's about time you came home! I started dinner, if that's okay? Percy's coming by later, when he gets off work."

"Oh," I said, still trying to figure out when I had invited her over. Had I made dinner plans with her and Percy and just forgotten? "Thank you? Where's, uh, where's - " Before I could even finish, Addie started to walk down the stairs, toweling off his hair.

Katie looked at me and I knew what she was thinking, but he wouldn't. He just wouldn't, not with Gracie, of all people. And Gracie was married, anyway, and she wouldn't do anything with him.

She just wouldn't.

Although Katie didn't say anything through a very awkward dinner - or at least, I felt awkward - she made it a point to call me every week after she left and begged me to leave. But I couldn't - not now, soon, I promise. I wanted to try, even if it was getting harder and harder to do so. I wanted to make us closer - had somehow convinced myself that the closer the clung, the more he'd want me.

He didn't want to do anything with me, though, which was the problem. He didn't want to come with me to set up our registry at Macy's for the baby shower. I had to go to my doctor's appointments alone if I didn't let him know ahead of time, which meant that I had to stand on a crowded bus for a little over forty minutes and walk another five blocks and wait in a cramped waiting room alone for about an hour to see the doctor, who I saw every three weeks. He didn't even want to come to the birthing classes with me at the rec center down town, where they showed you how to breathe and breastfeed and change the baby.

When I came home late one night because I didn't get out of class early enough to catch the bus and had to walk about twenty blocks in my uncomfortable shoes (my feet were already starting to swell and I could barely even wear sandals without starting to feel achy), he was pouting on the couch, eating some takeout with a small frown.

"Where've you been? I had to order take out because you didn't fix dinner."

"Because I was at Lamaze without you," I answered coldly, kicking off my shoes. I walked over to the couch, sitting down with a quiet sigh. "Thanks for not coming. Again."

"I don't see why you have to go to a breathing class, Lulu. It's breathing. You breathe all the time. Do you know how expensive that is?"

"Don't start." I rubbed my belly. It was late April by then, and I was already starting to show, a small hard bump making my dress fit just that much tighter. I was already starting to pop buttons on some of my older dresses, and I knew it would only get worse. "It's important."

"Everything's important to you - "

"Well you wouldn't know, would you? You haven't been to a single one."

"Because I work all day and I don't really like the idea of wasting my time doing things that you're going to do by yourself anyway - "

"So you're not going to change the baby ever? Or feed him or bathe him?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. "You're really going to make me do this by myself? 'Cause if I remember correctly, you got me pregnant."

"But you're her mother and you're going to be home all day - "

"It's a boy," I grumbled, grabbing a box off the coffee table and a fork, prying it open. I scowled, frowning at the strong smell as I picked at it.

"How do you know?"

"I have a feeling." I shrugged. "I'm carrying low. Not that you've noticed. Or care."

"What's that supposed to mean? What's gotten into you, Lulu?"

"I don't know, maybe it's the fact that I'm doing everything a couple is supposed to do together when they're having a baby by myself because you don't want to help me? I don't know." I chewed on a mouthful of noodles, frowning at him. "Or the fact that nothing fits me anymore and my feet hurt and I'm fat and you don't even want to help me, like at all?" I felt my eyes burning as I sniffled, looking away as I wiped at my face.

"You're not fat. Your dresses are just a little snug and there's just a little more to love, that's all." He smiled and laughed, squeezing my limp hand. "Are you crying?"

"No," I protested, jerking my hand away. "I'm fine."

"Is someone a little grouchy today?" he asked, setting his box down as he leaned closer, that stupid little smile on his face. "It was just a joke, Lulu."

"No, it wasn't. You really think I'm fat." I wiped at my face, biting my lip. "It's not like I can help it."

"You're pregnant, for crying out loud." He wrapped an arm around my shoulder, kissing my damp cheek. "Don't cry. I think you're beautiful, even if you kind of look like a whale."

"That's not funny," I mumbled, slapping his chest. "This is your fault."

"When have I ever lied to you, huh?" I shot him a look. He reached into his pocket and wiped at my cheeks, then held it against my nose. "Blow." I blew softly, shoulders slumping. "If you really want me to go to those silly breathing classes, I'll go."

"They're not stupid."

He only went to one, and that's because I kicked up a fuss and yelled at him and practically dragged him out the house and made him take me because it was pouring down. But after that, there was always a convenient excuse - work or the guys or his parents wanted him to fix something at the house. It was always something.

At least Grace offered to take me when she realized that Addie either couldn't or didn't want to. I guess we must have made quite the sight to see as she sat behind me and helped me breathe and rubbed my back and did everything else with me. Afterwards we'd go shopping, usually to buy something for the baby.

She came with my to my doctor's appointments and told me not to cry when Addie left me waiting on nights he promised to take me out. She helped me around the house on those nights I couldn't because I didn't feel well and had to lay down, swept while I pressed my dresses and his shirts - was just there for me.

Things were starting to look up a little, and I was thinking that maybe I wouldn't have to leave him after all. We could make it work. For the baby, anyway.

And then, one balmy night a week later, we had plans to go to the hardware store to figure out the colors for the baby's nursery. Grace didn't show up. Addie wasn't home because he was working late (or so he said, anyway) and wouldn't be home until late. I tried calling her to remind her, but no one answered the phone, which probably meant she was on her way over. But she hadn't been feeling too sharp earlier that week, and I thought that maybe she was sick. I made her some soup - tomato, her favorite - and called a cab and took it down to her apartment.

I had a feeling, a deep, twisting ache in my chest that told me that something just wasn't right, but I brushed it away as I paid the cab driver and stepped out of the car. Before I even reached the door, Addie walked out. I just stopped and stared at him, trying to calm my breathing.

"Lulu!" he exclaimed, a bright smile on his lips as he kissed my cheek. "I've been looking for you all afternoon."

"I've been at home. Like I always am," I said, shrinking away from him. "What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you."

"But I was home." Addie frowned, shaking his head as I clicked my gum. Something wasn't right.

"Are you sure?" he asked, arm around my shoulder as we walked to his car. "Maybe I came home when you were napping or something," he said flippantly. I didn't nap. Ever. I decided not to say anything about it then because it was Grace, for crying out loud. My friend.

She wouldn't. She just wouldn't do something like that.

Later that evening, as I kicked off the sheets because it was so damn warm, I woke him up. I couldn't shake the feeling that something was off and it was bothering me - made my skin itch and crawl and feel like something was not right.

"Addie?" He grumbled sleepily, blinking at me slowly.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm - I just - you love me, don't you?"

"What?" Addie propped himself up on his elbow, looking past me. "You woke me up at quarter to four to ask me if I love you?"

"Do you?"

"Jesus - yes, Lulu," he said sharply, frowning. "What kind of question is that?"

"I need to know."

"That I love you?"

"Because if you love me, you wouldn't... you wouldn't, uh, you wouldn't be running around again, would you?"

"No," he said flatly. "Of course not. Are we really having this conversation right now?"

"Yes." He sighed, running a hand over his face. "This is important."

"Don't you trust me?"

"Is that a trick question?"

"I can't believe you. Of course I love you. I'm not perfect and I make mistakes and I tell you I'm sorry all the time." I stared him down, frowning.

"So you're not doing it now?"

"With who? Who am I sleeping with?" I looked at him, biting my lip. "Hm?"

"I just - I've seen how you look at Grace - " He rolled his eyes and laughed, shaking his head as he wrapped an arm around my belly.

"Don't be silly, Lulu. I love you, remember? Let's go to sleep. We're painting the nursery later, aren't we?"

"You're painting with Peter after Grace and me go pick the colors. I'm thinking light blue and green. Like minty green."

"We're doing pink and white. It's a girl, Lulu. I have a feeling, like you do. Except I'm right."

"It's a boy, Addie. You want Junior to have a pink room?" He laughed, pressing himself against me. "Love you."

"I love you more."

Somehow, I doubted that.