Tallulah

I felt sick. Not like morning sickness, or the way I’d get dizzy if I sat up too fast, but sick, like when I lost the baby, sick like when I find out about Marina and those women in New York City. I tried not to worry and not think about it—I was just being crazy again, right? We were finally getting it together—I was having his child for God’s sake. He had to know better. And Grace did too, didn’t she?

She had to.

“I don’t trust that girl,” Katie fumed when I shared my concerns with her one muggy afternoon. She huffed, clicking her tongue. I could hear the baby in the background, laughing. “I just don’t, Tallulah Mae. There’s something weird about her. She gives me a vibe.”

“Katie, everyone gives you a ‘vibe’. She’s actually really—”

“She’s what? Hm? I’m telling you, Tally! Something is off about that girl okay? I don’t trust you around her, much less him. She’s up to something.”

“Up to what? I mean—I’m just—I’m being paranoid. I’m pregnant and he just wouldn’t—”

“The problem is that he would.” I rubbed my belly, trying to take a deep breath. I’d been in pain for most of the day—I was on bed rest but couldn’t stand laying around in that damp, heavy heat all day so I tried getting up and walking around, cooking and cleaning so I’d have something to do, so I thought it probably had something to do with that. “Do you need me to come out there early?” She was coming for my baby shower with Hayley, then staying with me for a few weeks after the baby was born. “Do you need a lawyer? There’s this guy I went to school with and he has a practice around there—”

“I don’t need a lawyer. I’m not getting a divorce. I just... I’m just acting—” I winced, biting my lip. I’d been having pretty strong contractions all week, but I wasn’t due for about a month, so I didn’t think much of it.

“You okay?”

“Yeah. I just—this baby really wants to come out.” I laughed, leaning against the wall as I tried breathing deeply, remembering my relaxation exercises. “He’s a little restless today.”

“Have you narrowed down any names?” she asked. I smiled, grateful for the change of subject. I didn’t want to think about Grace and Addie. I didn’t want to deal with it.

“I think we’re naming it Adonis Junior, maybe. I don’t know yet. We have a list, somewhere.”

“After that sleazy bastard?” Katie asked. I could practically see her rolling her eyes and shook my head, biting my lip. “Really? I could give you some baby name books Trent and I bought when we were having Hayley.”

“I don’t—I don’t know. I think it’s a nice name. AJ, hm? Or maybe Alexander. I want something with an A. He keeps saying it’s going to be a girl, but I just—I have a feeling. I hope he looks like me.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to come back home with me after you come home from the hospital?”

“Yeah. I just—I know he’s going to be different after the baby comes. I just know it. He’s going to change, okay? I know it.”

“Mmhm. They all say they’re going to change. You can’t trust men like him.”

“You don’t know him the way I do.”

“But I know enough to be able to say that he’s no good for you, Tallulah Mae.”

“But I love him.” I hold back a whimper as another wave of contractions hit, bracing myself against the wall. “I—I—oh no.” I felt my eyes smarting as something grew tight, face warm.

“Tally?”

“Katie, I’m scared.”

“Did your water break?”

“Not yet. But I’m alone and I’m in pain and this baby’s going to end up coming and I don’t know what—jeez—” I started to cry, hiccupping as I struggled to keep myself upright. “It hurts so much, Katie Mae. I’m so—oh—I can’t have this baby right now. I just—I just can’t. I’m so scared and I’m in so much—Jesus Christ.”

“Relax, okay? You’re going to breathe nice and deep and then you’re going to call an ambulance. I’ll call Momma and Albert and all those people. You just—you get yourself to a hospital.” I gulped as she hung up. I hung up too, then pressed 9-1-1 slowly, almost falling over. I explained how I thought I was going into labor and bit my hand to keep from screaming, crying so hard I could barely even speak.

I called Addie at work, but the receptionist kept putting me on hold and I doubted she’d relay my message to him. Going upstairs to get my barely packed hospital bag was out of the question, so I focused on getting to the nearest arm chair, hair sticking to my sweaty face as I eased myself into it. I rubbed my belly, looking down.

It didn’t take long for the ambulance to come. It wasn’t until the paramedics shut the door and we started moving that I really started to cry. Shouldn’t I have been happy? I was finally having the baby—but I was alone and scared and I wasn’t ready and the nursery was only half painted and we hadn’t even bought a crib. We barely even had any clothes and I only had one pack of cloth diapers. I fanned myself with my limp hand, willing myself to stop crying.

“Can someone please call my husband?” I asked as they carted me into the busy hospital, dumping me in a wheelchair before pushing me into a cramped elevator with a nurse. “He’s at work. Or my mother or my uncle or—” I shifted, feeling uncomfortable as another contraction hit. “Anyone, please. I just—I don’t want to do this alone.”

My mother came soon after the nurses set me in a room and hooked me up to a monitor. She sat and held my hand as I cried, smoothing down my hair, shushing me quietly. Then came Peter, Isabel, and Albert. The twins were with my grandparents. Percy even came. Addie was missing and so was, oddly enough, Grace. I didn’t want to do anything, much less say—but I just—I had a feeling something was wrong.

After about two hours of screaming and crying because I was in serious pain, Addie comes in, all smiles and excitement. I simply glare at him, digging my hands into the sheets. The doctor followed soon after, only to tell me that it was a false alarm and that I wouldn’t be having the baby for quite some time. They were just Braxton-Hicks, he said, so I really had nothing to worry about, but still. Addie almost missed the birth of his child, and for what? For her?

The commotion died down, everyone went home, and a half hour or so after the doctor gave us the news, Addie and I were on our way home.

“How many times do I have to ask you to stay in bed, Lulu? That’s why this happened to you. I think I’ll survive on take out until you have the baby and it’s not like I can’t clean and do everything else you do when I get home from work and—”

“Where were you?” I asked him quietly, playing with the hem of my skirt. “What if you ended up missing the birth, huh?”

“What?” He glanced over at me, frowning.

“Were you with her?”

“With who?” I looked back down at my lap, annoyed as I rolled my eyes. “I couldn’t get out of work until now. Where did you think I was?”

“You tell me.”

Addie rolled his eyes and scoffed, laughing mirthlessly.

“Do you know what this Friday is? It’s our anniversary. We’ve been married for eight years on Friday and you still don’t trust me.”

“Do I have any reason to trust you?”

“Do you have any reason not to?”

(I had too many to count, but I was stupid.)

Our anniversary was quiet. He bought me some flowers and took me out to dinner and for a single night, I could almost convince myself that he really was the boy I married. We danced and went to a movie. He even bought me a bracelet. I didn’t give him anything—I didn’t see why I should have. (He didn’t love me anymore and that’s all I wanted and no amount of pricey dinners or expensive bracelets or bottles of wine could give me that.)

I was stupid.

I knew he was up to something with Grace. I could feel it in my bones. But still, I couldn’t say or do anything because for all I knew, he wasn’t. And Grace had been good to me—taking me here and there and dealing with all my cravings and mood swings when Addie wasn’t home—so I didn’t want to be too hasty and assume that she would betray my confidence that way. But the problem was that I couldn’t see why she wouldn’t. Addie was still pretty handsome and attractive, and she was having problems with Percy, anyway. But I tried to shake those thoughts away—I was being petty and she was my friend.

When Katie came for our baby shower, the tension between us only grew. He didn’t like Katie because she had no qualms in calling him out bluntly and took every moment she had to make sure he knew how much she didn’t like him. (She would have been such good friends with Euphemia.)

He’s no good for you.

Your sister’s crazy.

I had big plans for my baby shower. I wanted cake—a lot of cake. I wanted to have a nice barbeque because the weather was still spring-like, not too cool or rainy and not too warm and stifling. Not yet, anyway. I wanted our family there, my friends, his friends. I wanted music. I wanted to have fun.

The night before the shower, Addie of course had to make sure I knew how much he really didn’t like having Katie stay in our extra room with her little girl.

“Doesn’t she know that there are hotels a block away?” he asked, rubbing some lotion on his hands. I simply glared at him, rubbing my belly with annoyance from my post in the door. I couldn’t even wear my nightgowns anymore, and had resorted to wearing one of the shirts Addie wore when he would mow the lawn or clean out the gutters on Saturday mornings. They both hated each other, but at least Katie tried to keep her dislike of him secret for my sake. Not Addie, though. Of course not. He caught me looking at him in the mirror and frowned. “What?”

“She’s my sister.”

“And? She’s annoying, and her baby’s always crying—”

“Because she’s two. What else is she supposed to do? Children cry. A lot.”

“Why can’t she stay with your parents like she always does?”

“Because I want her to stay here.”

“But why?”

“Don’t you like Katie?”

“No,” he said pointedly as I walked over to my vanity counter, shooting him a look. I brushed my hair, gathering up all my curls into a loose bun. “She always has something to say and she’s rude.” I set the brush down, shaking my head.

“You’re rude to her too,” I pointed out, rubbing some lotion on my face and arms. He turned off his lamp, grumbling under his breath. “Don’t act like you’re the victim here all of a sudden.”

“She just spends her time trying to fill your head with nonsense. That idea you have about me and Grace? That’s Katie’s doing, isn’t it?”

“No. It’s because I’ve seen how you look at her.” He rolled his eyes, turning his pillows over. “I’m not blind.”

“But you don’t see the way I look at you?” I scowled at him, narrowing my eyes. “Your sister is full of it and you and I both know that.”

“Don’t talk about Katherine like that,” I said sharply. “I’m a grown woman and I can think whatever I want about anything and if I want to think that my husband is a cheating bastard—”

“What’d you call me?”

“You heard me,” I answered, feeling bold. He shot me an annoyed look, mimicking my scowl.

“If I’m so awful, why are you still here? You can go. Who’s stopping you?”

“Don’t be stupid,” I hissed, shooting him a look.

“Oh, I’m a cheating bastard and I’m stupid,” he scoffed. “Perfect. Katie again, huh?”

“No, it’s not Katie!” I yelled, huffing. “It’s because of how you treat me! Stop talking about my sister.”

“Oh? How do I treat you?” he asked, also raising his voice. “Tell me, Lulu. How do I treat you?” I stared at him, pulling my rings off slowly. “Are you starving? Do you not have any clothes? Is this house not big enough? You want the new Caddy, huh?”

“Addie—”

“No, Lulu! I wanna know what I do that makes you think that I’m the same as that nut job your sister married and—”

“No one said you were.”

“Well, somebody has to be, if you’re saying all this. You only act like this when your crazy sister is in town. I don’t like her being here, okay? She keeps putting all these ideas in your head—”

“Say one more thing about Katie Mae, and I swear to God, Addie, I’m gonna—”

“You’re gonna what? I don’t want her here, Lulu. She just keeps coming between us.”

“She’s my sister.”

“And this is my house.”

“And my name is on the deed, so it’s my house too! And if I want my sister in my damn house,” I said, huffing as I pulled the blankets up, “she’s staying. If she leaves, I’ll leave with her. How’s that? I don’t want to hear you talking about her or giving her a hard time. The next time you do, you’ll be the one staying in a hotel, since you seem to like them so damn much.” I turned off the lamp, staring at the wall angrily.

“Lulu.”

“Go to sleep,” I said angrily.

Of course, Katie had to spend the whole day moping about Addie.

“I’m telling you,” she said as she stirred some milk on the stove. I held Hayley on lap, swaying her as she played with the fabric of my dress. “I’m going to keep an eye on them both because they’re both trifling and you can’t trust either one of the sleazy bastards.”

“Katie!” I exclaimed, shooting her a look.

“What? I’m sorry, but when he comes home smelling suspiciously like some fancy perfume and with that stupid grin on his face, I can only assume he was getting off in some dirty alley with that stupid girl that you keep saying is your friend.” She glanced at the baby as she poured the milk in her bottle. “I’ll prove it to you tonight.”

“There’s nothing to prove,” I mumbled, pushing some of Hayley’s unruly hair behind her ear. I could yell at him about it all I wanted to, but for some reason it felt wrong when someone else pointed it out.

“Right.”

Grace came over in the afternoon to help Katie decorate. I told Katie to keep her dislike for her under wraps—we had to all try to get along for a day. Since I was almost positive I was having a boy, my theme was blue and white—balloons, streamers, the works. I was sitting on the porch, watching them as I sipped my water and watched Hayley sleep on my lap as I rocked back and forth. Katie grudgingly accepted Grace’s help after I shot her a few angry glares, scowling. She had to be nice, or at least try.

Addie came home around six, and by then, the party had started. Up until then, I was still sort of trying to convince myself that I was acting crazy and that there wasn’t anything at all going on with Grace and him. Why would there be? He loved me. (Or something like that, anyway.) He came downstairs after he freshened up and chatted pleasantly with Albert at the grill. I was talking to Katie and Percy on the porch, leaning against the railing. When I looked at Addie, he smiled and for a few small moments I actually thought we really were going to be okay again.

And then I turned around, flipping my hair over my shoulder. Grace was standing in the door way and looking past me, smiling shyly at Addie. I know it seems kind of obscure, but I could tell then. I could just feel it. I wanted to enjoy the party—it was probably going to be one of the last moments I could actually enjoy myself before the baby was born—but I couldn’t, knowing that every time they talked or looked at each other it was totally less than friendly. Every time I looked at him, he was looking at her.

August 2 is a day I can’t really ever forget, no matter how hard I want to. That morning, I decided that it was finally the day. I was going to do it. I was leaving. It wasn’t like I woke up and expected everything to work out the way it did. The final straw happened the night before. I had asked Grace if she could take me to the doctor, and she told me that she had plans with Percy that afternoon. Which would be fine, if it wasn’t that Percy told me that he was going out of town for work for the rest of the week, meaning that she lied. Which would also be fine, if it wasn’t for the fact that Addie had come home smelling like her in the middle of the night and didn’t even bother to say anything when I started to cry.

I decided that for the sake of our child, I wouldn’t stay with someone who treated me so poorly, even if that meant living by myself in a small, cramped apartment somewhere far away where no one knew me and having to find ways to make ends meet and still take care of my baby. I called Katie, who was staying with some friends in Montgomery because our parents didn’t have much room for her and the baby—I done told you, Tally, he’s no good—and asked her if she could help me find a divorce lawyer. I didn’t want to think about leaving him for good until after I had the baby, since I was so close to my due date. But I did want to start talking to someone about my options.

“I just… okay. If we have to get a divorce, okay. I just want him to tell me what he’s done. I know it’s going to hurt,” I explained to Katie, rubbing my belly as I sat on the bed in my towel, window open. I was warm and letting myself air dry after a nice bath was the only way I could cool off. “But I’d rather him tell me instead of wondering if I really was crazy, because I do love him still.”

“I know a guy. He’s pretty good—”

“He can’t be from around here,” I cut in, shaking my head. “He has to be someone that won’t start telling other people. I don’t want anyone to know.”

After getting dressed, I spent my morning helping Katie pack her things up. As sad as it made me to see her go, I knew I’d be seeing her again soon. Hopefully.

“Where are you going to go?” Katie asked me as she settled Hayley in the backseat of her car. She was leaving since I was leaving too and she didn’t see the point in staying if I wasn’t there.

“Momma’s, for now. He won’t do anything to me there. Not with Peter and Albert hanging around.” She smiled, rubbing my shoulder comfortingly. “At least until I have the baby. And then I’ll probably find a studio or something in Montgomery until I can get on my feet. I have a nice nest egg to keep us settled until I find a job.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to come home with me? We’ll be near the state line before Addie’s even home,” Katie offered with a grin. I shrugged, struggling to return her smile. “You’re doing the right thing, okay? Don’t feel bad. Do you want a ride up to Momma’s?”

“I still have some things to settle here first. I’ll take a cab later. Thanks though.” She hugged me tightly, pressing a kiss against my temple. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Love you, Tally,” she said, before hopping in the driver’s seat and driving away.

My next order of business was to have Grace come over. I told her that I wanted to show her some new fixtures I bought for the nursery, but I was actually going to confront her about Addie. I finally felt like I had enough evidence, so I wouldn’t look like a crazy person. She came over, all smiles and happiness as we went through the nursery. She was folding some onesies that I had gotten during the baby shower (I probably wouldn’t have to shop for a long time, because people had been really generous thankfully) when I finally brought it up.

“Can I ask you something?” I asked, sitting in the rocking chair Peter had bought me. She glanced at me, nodding. “How long have you been sleeping with my husband?” She froze, hands growing still on the blanket she had been folding. Until then, a small part of me had entertained the notion that I really was crazy and that Addie was still mine, but when I saw how pale she got and how she went completely still, I knew that all my suspicions were actually true. (I wanted to be sick.)

“What?” she asked softly.

“I didn’t stutter, Grace.”

“Tallulah—”

“How long?” I drummed my nails against the wood, breathing evenly.

“I can explain.”

“So you won’t even deny it? Does Percy know?”

“It wasn’t—it was only supposed to be once and—” Grace gulped loudly, turning around. “I wanted to tell you, but I just—”

“But you’re a terrible excuse for a human being and you liked sucking my husband off more than our friendship?”

“Tallulah, please.” She started to turn red, eyes glistening. “I didn’t—I just—we couldn’t stop and we should have.”

“You’re damn right you should have. Do you know why Percy married you? Because he couldn’t have me because I ran away with Addie because I loved him. That’s my own fault. But Percy’s a good man and he loved you, Grace. Anybody could see it. He practically worshipped the ground you walked on. He’s a great man and he’ll be a great father one day. He trusted you. I trusted you. Doesn’t our friendship mean anything to you?”

“Of course it does!”

“That cute little face might fool Percy and it might even fool that idiot I have to call my husband, but it’s not fooling me. Why’d you do it?” I stand up, walking over to her. “Why? With him, of all people?”

“That, right there. The way you treat him—you don’t really love him, not the way I do.”

“The hell you just say to me?”

“You don’t deserve someone like Adonis—”

I’m not a violent person by nature, but the slap I landed on her cheek echoed through the room, left my hand stinging and raw. She looked at me as tears ran down her red cheeks, chest heaving.

“Get out,” I said, pointing at the door. “How dare you? I don’t ever want to see you again. If you don’t tell Percy today, I will. He’s a good man – a good, good man, and he doesn’t deserve a little girl like you who won’t appreciate him for who he really is.”

After Grace left, I sat in my bedroom and cried for most of the afternoon. I wanted things to work out with Addie and me so much and finally knowing that once and for all he didn’t love me the way he claimed to cut me deep. What he did with Grace hurt a thousand times more than what happened with those women in New York or Marina, made me want to curl up in a ball and scream and feel like I couldn’t breathe because it was actually over. By the time I could actually get myself together, it was almost four in the afternoon.

I sat on the edge of the bed, smiling a little as the baby started kicking. As upset as I was about how everything was, I was starting to really look forward to having my baby. So, anyway, after the dizziness passes, I get up and grab my travel bag from the closet, tossing it on the bed. I then start going through my dresses, reminding myself that I could be having the baby at any moment and wouldn’t have to worry about my large belly for much longer. After I had enough clothes to last me for about two weeks, I went to his nightstand to see if he had any money lying around that I could add to my own small stash.

Instead, I found a pistol. Dumbfounded, I set it on his nightstand. Why would he have one? He’d been talking about buying one for a few weeks since there had been some break-ins a few blocks away, but I didn’t think he’d actually go out and buy one. Shrugging, I went and dug my money out of an old book in the last draw of my nightstand, counting it twice before stuffing it in my bag. I grabbed my necklaces and rings and other personal items and shoved them inside as well. I sat down for a few moments, pulling my bag onto my lap.

I wanted to die when I heard his key in the door, closing my eyes as I sunk down a little.

“Lulu?” I didn’t answer and instead made my way to the door. He was already on the stairs, whistling. “Lulu?” He opened the door as I put my hand on the doorknob. He looked around the room and at the suitcase in my hand, then frowned. “Are we going on vacation?”

“How long do you think we can keep this up?” I asked, ignoring his question. “Huh?”

“What are you talking about?” Addie started to undo his tie, frowning even more as he looked down at me.

“Are you really going to act like you don’t know?” I hissed, growing more and more frustrated as time wore on. “Don’t treat me like I’m stupid. I know what you did.”

“What’d I do?” He took his shoes off next, not moving from his post on the door. “You’re not making any sense.”

“It didn’t make any sense for you to sleep with Grace, of all people, but you still did, so...” I trailed off, shrugging. He stopped short and looked at me, shoulders falling. “Oh, don’t give me that look, Addie. Please.”

“I don’t—I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Shaking my head, I wiped away some stray tears, looking at him evenly. “Why are you crying?”

“You slept with Grace.” I didn’t say it like a question or accusingly—I was just laying it out on the table. He slept with my best friend and I just couldn’t stay with him anymore. I wasn’t going to expose the baby to something like that and if it meant that I had to be lonely and work myself into the ground just to give him what he needed then so be it. “She told me everything.”

“Lulu—” Addie reached out for me then, resting his hand on my arm. I tried shaking him off, crying.

“Don’t touch me. She was my best friend, and I just—” I looked down, biting my lip. After a few silent moments, I looked back up at him. “How could you? Was it worth it?” I tried shoving him away, but only ended up shoving him into the door. “Was it?!”

“Tallulah—”

“I thought you loved me! I thought we were going to have a family and I thought—I thought you—”

“Calm down.”

“Calm down?! You want me to calm down? I’m weeks away from having your child and you slept with my best friend and you want me to calm down? Oh, I’ll give you calm. In fact,” I said, finally shoving him away from the door as I picked up my suitcase, “you can have this whole goddamn house to yourself, ’cause I’m leaving you.”

I only made it a few steps out the door before he yanked me back into the bedroom. I glared at him, trying to shrug him off.

“You’re not going anywhere until we sit down and talk about this.”

“Talk about what? How you lied to me, over and over again? Don’t you dare put your hands on me.”

“It’s not what it looks like—”

“It looks like I’m about to leave you so you can sleep with as many stupid desperate little girls as you want. Is that what you want?”

“I want you to stay—”

“How am I supposed to stay with someone who doesn’t love me?” I expected him to say something, do something, but he just stood there and looked at me, almost defeated. “I gave you everything.”

“Just let me explain,” he tried to say, but I cut him off, trying to shrug his grip off. “Lulu, wait.”

“Please don’t. Just don’t.” I shook my head, closing my eyes. “Can we please just not do this right now? What else can you say? That you’re sorry? You’re not sorry.”

“Please don’t go.”

“I have to.” I finally manage to slip out of his grasp, bracing myself against the door. “I didn’t take anything that wasn’t mine, so don’t worry about that. I found the gun, too.” I nodded towards it on the dresser. “Keep it. Keep this whole house, if you want. Just leave us alone.” He pressed me against the door, shaking his head.

“You’re not leaving with my child—”

“Your child!? Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it was your child when you never came with me to my appointments for him. I didn’t realize it was your child when you didn’t want to have anything to do with this pregnancy because you were too goddamn busy chasing Grace ‘til Kingdom come! I didn’t realize it was your child when I’ve been carrying him for the last 8 months in my body!”

“I put him there, didn’t I?” I rolled my eyes, laughing cheaply.

“Get off of me.” I tried pushing him away to no avail. “There’s nothing you can do to change my mind. This is it, Addie.”

“Lulu—”

“My name is Tallulah, soon to be Tallulah Roosevelt,” I corrected sharply. “And you better get off of me and get my name out of your mouth. How could you do this to us and expect me to stay?”

“It was only twice—”

“Only?!” He tugged me away from the door and I slapped and kicked at him, trying not to cry again. “Let go of me!”

“Not until you calm down—”

“How am I supposed to react?! Do you really think I’m going to raise a baby with someone who doesn’t love me? Or him? If you cared about either one of us at all, you wouldn’t have done what you did with her.” He finally set me down and I slapped him, hand shaking. He looked at me with disbelief, cradling his cheek wide-eyed. “Serves you right,” I hissed, crying. “I gave you everything!” He shoved me into the dresser counter, end of the gun poking into my damp back. “Don’t you dare hit me again, you stupid—”

“Finish that sentence, Lulu. I wish you would. I’d like to see you walk out try to walk out that door—”

“I can’t believe you did something like that to me!” I yelled, wiping my cheeks. “But I swear to God, Adonis, it’s going to be the last time you do some nonsense like this to me, you hear?!”

It all got a little out of hand after that. I felt his hand strike my cheek and he started yelling about how dare I hit him—you’re not the same woman I married and I’m a grown man and I’ll do what I want and you can’t stop me so you’d better cut this out—but I couldn’t really focus because I started crying again. He shook me, slamming me against the counter again. I managed to sneak away, but only picked up my bag before he grabbed me again, dragging me away from the door.

My fingers reached out for the gun quickly—I didn’t know what else to grab onto. I wasn’t trying to hurt him or myself or anyone else. If anything, my only thoughts then were to protect the baby from anyone and everything, even if that unfortunately included him. I felt like I had that right—as a woman, as a wife, as a mother, as a person—to defend someone who couldn’t defend themselves. A long time ago, I resigned myself to the thought that my love for him would, one day, kill me. I had made my peace with it, as morbid as it sounds, but my baby was a whole other story. I now had something else to live for, and I’d be damned if I let him hurt him.

“Let go of me!”

“You’re not leaving.”

“Says who?”

I elbowed him harshly, sprinting out of the room as quickly as I could when he finally let go. I couldn’t breathe or see, tears blurring my vision as I raced through the living room. I could hear him cursing upstairs as I dialed the police, hands shaking.

“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?” the operator asked calmly.

“I, uh, my husband, um—” I stammered, watching the stairs carefully. “I’m—he keeps hitting me because I’m trying to leave and he’s going to hurt our baby—”

“Ma’am? I’m going to have to ask you to take some deep breaths and calm down, okay? Can I have your name and address, please?”

“I—” I heard something crashing upstairs and flinched, crying. “It’s 1098 C-Carter Avenue and my name is Tallulah Papadopoulos and—” He walked down the stairs slowly. He scowled, watching me.

“Get off the phone, Lulu.”

“Ma’am? I’m sending a car out now, okay? Can you stay on the line with me?”

“I’m—”

“Swear to God, Lulu, if you don’t get off that damn phone—”

“Stay there!” I yell, hands shaking. “You just—you stay right there.”

“Where you goin’?” he asks casually.

“Ma’am?”

“’Cause I know you’re not leaving with my baby, huh?”

“Don’t you dare touch me,” I said quietly, pressing myself against the wall. “Just stay there.”

“Stay calm, ma’am—”

“Hang up the phone.”

“Go away.”

He raised his hand, as if he were going to strike me again. I was only trying to scare him—I didn’t want to hurt him (I loved him for heaven’s sake)—so I held the gun, pointing it shakily.

“What’re you gonna do, huh?” he asked, laughing as he cornered me. “You gonna shoot me or something?”

“Don’t touch me.”

“I’ll do what I want—” I heard a bang and he didn’t cry, not really. He just kind of flinched and looked at me, disbelieving as he slumped back against the wall, cradling his belly.

“Ma’am? Are you okay?”

“Oh, no,” I said quietly, looking down at my hand. “Oh, no, no. I—I didn’t—I didn’t mean to—I didn’t mean to do it, I swear I—”

“What?”

“I—I—oh, my God. I think we need an ambulance because I think I just shot my husband.”