Save Yourself For Someone Worth Dying For

As we were walking back to the bus, my mind was racing. This wasn’t supposed to happen. They weren’t supposed to read the note right after they got off stage. How could I be so stupid? They love their fans, of course they’d read it right after they were done. They probably all think I’m a freak now, and they’re just bringing me back to the bus to make fun of me. Or maybe they’ll tell my mom. Oh my god, that would be terrible.

My thoughts were interrupted when we finally reached their tour bus and Vic held the door open for me. I stepped inside and just stood there. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. Oh my god, what if they check my wrists? Oh no, this can’t be happening. But at the same time, I’m excited to meet them. They’re my heroes. I’m still trying to decide if this is a good or bad thing.

Vic motions for me to sit on the couch, which I do, and he takes a seat next to me. We sit in silence for a few minutes until he decides to speak up:

“Want something to drink?” I shake my head. I still don’t know what I’m supposed to be saying. I guess he gave up on trying talking to me one on one because we sat in silence for ten more minutes until the rest of the guys piled onto the bus. They all sat down around me and began their lecture.

“Abby, sweetie, we’re not going to yell at you. You don’t have to be scared of us. We just want to help. That note you gave me really panicked us.” Vic said sweetly, everyone nodded their heads in agreement.

I felt tears well up in my eyes, so I looked down. I refused to meet any of their gazes. Mike was the next one to speak up.

“Will you please talk to us?” I met his gaze, and then looked at the rest of the guys. I could tell that they really were concerned. I decided to finally speak.

“I’m sorry guys. I just didn’t expect you to read the note until later tonight. I didn’t know you’d read it right after you got off. I just don’t know what you want me to say.” My voice was shaking; I was trying to hold back tears.

“Why don’t you start with telling us why you wanted to kill yourself tonight? We’re here for you, and we’ll listen. We promise. Right guys?” Vic said, while the others nodded their heads in agreement.

I took a deep breath, I can’t believe I was about to tell my heroes everything about my life. But I felt as if I could trust them. Here goes nothing. “Well. Like the note said, I’ve been cutting myself since I was 13. I started because of my brother. He became physical with me, and at first, I thought it was a brother-sister kind of thing. But then one night, he gave me a black eye. That’s the night I first took the blade to my wrist. I told my mom I fell, and she didn’t question it. Looking back now, that really pisses me off. All she needed to do was know it was my brother, and maybe things would be better.” Tears started to fall from my eyes, but I didn’t dare stop. “Then, two weeks after the black eye, we got in another big fight. We were home alone. He grabbed me by my hair, threw me down on the ground, and started punching me. He wouldn’t stop. Then he choked me, and it was to the point that I felt like I was going to black out. When he was done, I went to the bathroom. I saw his handprints bruised onto my neck. I broke down. I grabbed the blade again, and started cutting. I cut for two straight hours that night.” I took a breath and looked around at the guys, Vic and Jaime had tears in their eyes. Tony and Mike looked pissed off. I continued.

“When my mom came home that night, she saw the bruises and asked what happened. I told her it was my brother, and she didn’t believe me. She said the only reason I was blaming my brother is because I wanted attention, which was so fucking far from true. How could she not believe me? We were the only two home!” My tears were coming harder now, but I still didn’t stop. “Ever since that night, my mom started treating me differently. Whenever something went wrong in the house, it was MY fault. When she got fired, she blamed it on me. She smacked me around and wouldn’t stop screaming at me. She eventually found another job, and she told me if something happened; she’d kill me. When I was 16, I was slowly becoming more and more depressed. I decided to go find myself help. I was diagnosed with depression. When I told my mom, she didn’t believe me. She told me to stop trying to get attention from everyone. Seeing as she didn’t believe me about my depression, she wouldn’t let me get medicine for it. So it’s been slowly eating me alive for the past three years.

I always feel alone. I never had anyone to talk to. My friends all think that I’m too perfect for anything to be wrong. It hurts, knowing that I truly am alone in this world. Even when I’m in a crowded room, I still feel alone. I’m consumed by my own thoughts, always. Today, when I woke up, my mom started screaming at me for coming out of my room. I cut myself once again.” I pulled up my sleeve and showed them the fresh cuts from this morning. They all gasped.

Vic was the first person to react. He gently grabbed my wrist, and kissed each cut and each scar. The other guys followed his lead, and one by one, they all kissed all over my wrist. I was crying harder by now. I noticed that Vic and Jaime were crying too. Mike was on the verge of tears, and Tony looked as pissed as ever. Vic pulled me into his lap and held me as I cried. I just couldn’t stop.

He whispered in my ear, “shhh, darling, you’ll be okay”. He kept repeating that until I calmed down. By the time I was done crying, I was exhausted. I let out a yawn.

Jaime spoke up next, “would you like to sleep on the bus with us tonight? You’ve obviously had a rough day. And I think I speak for all of us when I say that I don’t want you to go back to that house.” I nodded my head. He got up and went to the back, he came back to the front with a big shirt and comfy shorts for me to put on. I went to the bathroom and quickly changed. When I came back to the front, Vic was the only one sitting there.

“The rest of the guys went to get something to eat. Would you like something or would you like to go straight to bed?” I thought for a moment. I don’t like eating, my mom always yelled at me for it. So I decided to just go to bed.

“If it’s okay with you, I’d rather just go to sleep.” He looked skeptical, but didn’t say anything. He nodded and took me to the back. “You can sleep on my bunk, and I’ll take the couch.” He said sweetly. I nodded and crawled into his bunk.

“Goodnight, Vic, and thank you.”

“Goodnight sweetie, and don’t thank me. I’m here for you.” He kissed my cheek and went back to the front. And I quickly fell asleep.