I Treated You So Wrong

“Thank you guys so much for everything…you have no idea how much this means to me,” I smiled and hugged every single person who shared this day with me.

It really did mean a lot. Even if what they gave was only a kiss on the cheek and a hug, that gift warmed my heart more then a brand new baby crib.

“It was no problem, sweetie. It’s what we do,” Gena hugged me again and rubbed her right hand up and down my back.

“If I could make you all god-parents, I would, you all are just that amazing.”

“See, when you tell us not to help and give support, it just makes us want to do it more,” Jimmy grinned and wrapped his arm around Leana’s waist.

“Besides, we have to spoil the first baby of the group rotten,” Johnny clapped his hands together, them popped his thumbs up.

Brian patted him on the back with a look of approval, “Short Shit has a point.”

Everyone laughed.

“Well, I think it’s about time we all head out. It’s late and there’s some studio shit to do tomorrow,” Brian stretched his arms above his head.

“Alright. Well, thank you again for all of this…” I smiled softly and crossed my arms over my chest.

Val laced her fingers with Matt‘s, “stop thanking us. It’s a family thing.”

“Okay, lets get out of here. Blow this pop stand!” Jimmy high tailed his tall self out of the back yard with Leana walking his trail and laughing the whole way. Fae and Brian left after them, then Gena and Michelle took off with Johnny.

“The guys and I got all your stuff up to your room and it’s mandatory that you stay with us tonight,” Matt said, wrapping his right arm around my shoulders in a hug.

“Are you sure, Matt?” I asked and looked up at him.

“Positive, now lets go,” Val led the way into the house after letting o of Matt’s hand.

He followed in after her, then I followed after him.

“Oh, when we were up there, there was a box on your bed from someone, it didn’t have a name,”

I looked at Matt with a raised eyebrow, “maybe it’s that tarantula that Michelle promised.”

Matt laughed and shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t know. So why don’t you find out and then get some rest?”

I nodded and winked while pointing my index finger at him, “you got it,” I kissed his cheek and made my way up the stairs.

Slowly, but surely, I got to the top, then slowly made my way to the room that was given to me. The door was left open just a bit, just how it always was. I pushed it open the rest of the way and looked around.

The walls were a ale yellow color with royal purple trim, the window sills were the same color of purple. Sheer yellow curtains were pulled back on the bay window, which had a small seating area. The bed was a queen with a purple spread and the pillows were the pale yellow. The carpet was a cream color. There was a finished cedar dresser and matching nightstands, plus a trunk at the foot of the bed. There was also a small, walk-in closet that I never used, but it was nice. The room was full with everything from the baby shower, only it was all put off to the side of the room.

With a sigh, I looked at the bed and noticed the box that Matt was talking about. It was about the side of two CD cases stacked on top of each other with my name written on it. I walked over and sat on the bed, taking the box into my hands and looked down at the hand writing. I didn’t recognize it, which was a little weird for me.

“What in the hell…”

I shrugged and pulled the cover of the box off and set it to the side. There was a piece of paper inside that was folded in fourths so that it would fit in perfectly. When I pulled the paper out, underneath was a black picture frame, upside down. I rose my left eyebrow and pulled the frame out with my free left hand, the letter in the other and turned the frame around. My eyes drifted to the photo behind the clean glass, only to fill with hot tears.

It was a picture of Zacky and I when I was a junior and Zacky was a senior, when we were an actual couple. I was sat to his left, his left arm around my shoulders and my right hand on his right cheek while we kissed. Matt actually took that picture after he was done making gagging noises at us. While shaking my head, I sat the frame and the picture off to the side on the plush comforter.

“Now…” I said quietly and unfolded the paper.

On the inside was a fill page that went onto another piece of paper in Zacky’s hand writing. I scooted back on the bed so that my back was rested against the headboard of the bed and my knees were up, but not drawn to my chest for obvious reasons. With my right hand on my stomach, I began to read:

Rae,

There’s so much to say, but a lot of it I can’t tell you.

They always say that actions speak louder then words, which is true in a lot of cases. Some good, some bad…

In this case, my actions were speaking in a bad way, a way which I never meant to make it seem like. You have to know that I’m so sorry for everything. I never meant for you to be hurt like you have been. I feel so guilty that I was the one who made you have so many seconds thoughts on only a few things. If the certain decisions would have been made, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing that with the way I was acting made you come to those decisions.

I feel guilty for all of this. I feel guilty for shunning you when you told me you were pregnant. I feel guilty that my words and visual feelings made you want to have an abortion. I feel guilty that you almost died because of me. I feel guilty because I hurt you so much.

I was scared…hell…I still am scared. I’ve finally let myself realize that the father of the baby you’re carrying…is me. I can’t deny myself of that truth anymore. I don’t want to be tied down, but there’s nothing I can do. It’s my responsibility and I have to take action, right? That’s my baby who’s safe with you…a baby that you and I created together…You didn’t do it yourself, so I have to step up to the plate and be the person that everyone knows that I can be.

I never meant for those words to come out of my mouth. You’re not a slut, you’re not a whore, you’re not a bitch, a liar…nothing like that. You’re an amazing person who deserves nothing less then perfect, Rae. I’m so sorry that I’ve said that stuff to you. I kick myself every day for it…

I’m so glad you decided against the abortion. I’m glad that they found you…on the bathroom floor. I don’t know what I would do with myself if you or the baby hadn’t made it that night…maybe the guys would have had to find a new guitarist.

I can’t believe that I made you come to that point of wanting to leave this world for good. I feel like such a terrible person that someone was perfect as you left this place in such a way and on such horrible terms with the fact that I’m the one who drove you to that final stop.

I think back every single day about how we used to be. How we would be with each other every night when we were younger. You had to sneak out of your parents house and right under Matt’s nose just to come watch the stars with me on the beach. I miss how we went on mid-night car rides up the coast. Not to talk, but to just be with each other, to hold each other. I miss the kisses we used to share. Even the simple, loving ones; on the cheek, nose, forehead…I miss kissing your soft hands and watching you blush and get goose bumps every single time. I miss holding you in my arms for nose reason. Just to feel your warm skin against mine, or to smell your sweat-pea conditioner and Hawaiian Ginger Root perfume. I miss how our hands fit perfectly together.

Most of all, I miss just laying on the sand, day or night and just look at those beautiful honey eyes. I want those days again…but I know that all of those chances have been ruined because of me being an asshole. I don’t deserve your trust or your love again and I completely understand it. It’s been made clear that I’m not welcome around any of you guys unless it’s band crap…

But please…if you do read this…please, please meet me at our spot, right where we used to go when you snuck out to watch the stars with me at eleven tonight.

If you don’t, I understand and I won’t try to speak to you ever, ever again, just so that I don’t have to jeopardize your path to a happy life.

I love you and our baby always - and forever,

Zack Baker

I have forty-four minutes…