I Treated You So Wrong

Gena was finished first and I loved her hair. It was just two inches shorter and she had some wave put into it, just to add a smaller amount of body. She waited over in the waiting chairs. When Jasmine was done with Fae’s hair, Fae ran her fingers through her newly styled and dyed hair, it looked amazing. It made the shape of her face stand out.

Audrie just got done putting the color into my hair. It was wrapped in foil to help the dye set. Her, Jasmine, Beth, Gena, and Fae all went to the waiting area while I opted to stay in the stylist chair. I stared at myself. Is this ‘style’ really worth any of this bullshit? Is anything I do now worth anything? Does the baby deserve this life? With a look down at my slightly bulging stomach, I covered my mouth to stifle and sob. Why did this have to happen to me?
“I’ll be back…” I mumbled, but the girls were too busy laughing to even realize I went to the back to the bathroom.

I closed the door behind me and leaned my back against it, then placed my hands on my baby’s home for the next few months. I couldn’t do it anymore, I couldn’t hold back these threatening tears.

The warm salt water slid down my pale, yet rosy cheeks. They dripped down my nose and fell down, then landing on my baby bump, wetting the fabric of my t-shirt.

The question lingered for a while back when I found out that I was pregnant; keep it, or abort? It wasn’t the baby’s fault that the one who fathered it was a prick. It didn’t deserve to be let go when it’d done nothing wrong. But I also didn’t want this child to have a life where they wouldn’t know their father and be called a reject every single day by the person who helped create them. I know for a fact that I wouldn’t be able to find someone to love me and my child…

I understand that I have Gena, Fae, Audrie, Leana, Val, and Michelle, Matt, Jimmy, Johnny, and Brian. I just feel so…alone…no one wants to take care of another man’s baby…

With a sob, I stood back up straight and stepped in front of the porcelain sink and rested my hands on either side of it. The drain…I wish I would disappear down the drain and never be found again. My eyes wandered from the silver drain stop, up to the perfect oval mirror with etched roses and ivy around the edges.

I despised the girl staring back at me. She’s a monster, just a fucking shell of what I used to be. What I am now, this isn’t what I want. This isn’t the life I want to live.

“You’re a pathetic waste of space and precious air…you use money that other people need more then you, you eat food you don’t deserve, you have people in your life that you don’t deserve,” my voice whispered harshly.

My whole body began to shake and my grip on the sink tightened, making my knuckles turn white; they began to ache. I saw my eyes turn a darker shade of green.

“Everyone would love for you to just leave and not come back, huh? You wouldn’t be such a burden on your sister and her life, you could leave Gena to find her lover, leave the guys to be with their girls, one to be with his fucking hooker every night. Just like you Rae. You were his hooker for one night and look what gift he left you,” my hand shot to my stomach, harshly slapping my palm against my flesh.

“He won’t help you, he doesn’t even like you. You were his one good fuck then he just tossed you to the curb like yesterday’s old coffee grounds. You wanna be a nasty, fat, cranky old bitch with a million kids because you won’t be able to get off your ass to support yourself or your dirty ways?” More tears streamed from my eyes.

I know that there’s single mom’s out there who are amazing parents, I bow to them. I can’t do this, I can’t take care of this baby, I can’t even take care of myself.

“Then just get rid of it, Rae. No one will care. Hell, while you’re at it, make it a two-for-one, get yourself off too. Nobody would miss you and you know it. You’re a dirty little bitch and you fucking know it.”

Tonight. Tonight is the night, Rae. Just end it all. I swallowed and wiped my eyes free of my tears. I made sure to clean the smeared make-up and walked back out. I was ready for Audrie to make my look decent so I could go out with some kind of style, tonight.