I Treated You So Wrong

I opened my eyes and looked around, still tired. Matt’s arms were still around me. I turned to look at him and his eyes were closed and his breathing was even. He was still asleep. With a sigh, I wiped the sleep my from eyes with my right hand, then placed it on my stomach.

“I’m sorry…you don’t deserve this…” I said quietly.

The bed shifted and a deep breath was taken in. With a groan, Matt opened his eyes.

“Rae…you okay?” He asked quietly.

I turned and looked at him, nodding slightly, “I’m fine…just thinking.”

“What about?”

I sighed, “about how this was a mistake…how the baby didn’t deserve that I did to it…”

“Brian talked to the doctors, they said the baby should be fine. No premature birth, no defects…just being healthy.”

“But what if something is wrong, Matt? I can’t live knowing the fact that my baby’s problems are my fault…”

“Rae, it’s fine.”

“No…”

“Yes. The baby will be fine, I can promise you that.”

I shook my head and looked out the window. The sky was dark, but there was light coming from the street lights and the cars’ headlights.

“Do you want me to go get Fae?” Matt sat up, then got off of the bed.

“Leana…if she’s here…”

“Okay, I’ll get her,” Matt kissed my head, then walked out of the room.

I was left by myself in the in the grey looking room. It was quiet, besides the sound of my own breath. I didn’t have to use the breathing machine no more and they had attached me to a silent heart monitor.

This was a mistake…everything…I’m not supposed to be here…why…why did I put my baby through this?

There was a soft knock on the door, “come in…”

In stepped a smiling Leana, “hey, love,” she spoke softly and walked over, gently wrapping her arms around my shoulders and kissed my cheek.

I smiled and hugged back as best as I could.

“How’s my girl feeling?” She asked, taking a seat on my bed and crossing her legs Indian style.

This bed was so big, I could fit two other people in it comfortably.

“I’m tired…and just upset,” I replied.

“I guess I could understand.”

“Why did this have to happen to me, you know? Zacky and I…we were best friends…” I crossed my right index an middle fingers together, “and now he’s acting like some…crazy psycho…and treating me like I’m some kind of…whore.”

“I don’t know babe…do you want to hear something that happened on tour?” Leana asked.

I shrugged and looked at her, “hm?”

“Zacky and Jimmy were up late one night. Zacky, Jimmy, and I shared a hotel room and they were talking, I woke up, but acted like I was asleep. But um, Zacky told Jimmy about how…he likes…well…not like, but loves you. “

“I wouldn’t believe that for a second.”

“He’s scared, Rae. He’s scared of being tied down…”

“You’re taking his side?” I asked, now getting angry.

“No!” She held her hands up, “he said this. He’s afraid of being a dad and it’s all so new. I’m just telling you what he said.”

“He thinks I got myself pregnant just to trap him.”

“I would say talk to him…”

“No. He tried fucking talking to me already and he scared me, Leana,” I looked her dead in the eye, “if Matt hadn’t come in, Zacky wouldn’t have done more then what he’d already been doing. He was touching me, and hurting me. From what you’re saying and just piecing this together, he’s taking out his fear and anger on me just wanting to…I don’t know…rape me or something.”

Her eyes went wide.

“I’m the one in the hospital here. I know it’s my own fault, but this,” I pointed to my stomach, “I didn’t make this baby myself. I’m not the only one who should be getting treated like an asshole.”

Leana sighed and ran her hands through her brown, wavy hair, “you should know that every mark on Zacky right now is from everyone besides Johnny. All the guys, plus Val, Michelle, Gina, Fae, and myself. Johnny wanted to be the strong one, he’s the one who’s going to take care of all of us. Just know that we’re all here for you, Rae. We love you.”

I looked away from her, and out the window, “thanks…I just wish everything could go back to the way they used to be…only with a minor change…”

“Zacky’s being the selfish one. Everyone already loves this baby. Just give Zacky some time to pull his head out of his ass…”

“Time…”