These Secrets Are Killing Me

I walked up to the front porch and raised my hand to knock on the door before I cowardly brought my hand back down to my side. I walked away from the door and off the porch and walked to the driveway. I looked up to my wife's window and noticed that her curtain was open, and that the sun was probably shinning down on her. I pulled out my phone and saw that it was eight o' clock in the morning. She was probably still asleep. I walked back to the door and raised my hand once again to the door step, and knocked. I waited a couple of seconds before I rang the door bell. After waiting another minute I rang the door bell again. After waiting for what seemed like forever I just gave up and began to bang on the door, ring the bell till someone answered this fucking door.

Finally I heard the locks click and I saw the door open slowly. I was expecting anyone but her. When the door opened and the sun hit her face I fell in love again. The sun made her hair shimmer and shine, her beautiful brown eyes glazed over with tears threatening to spill over. Her small frame did wonders to my lower regions, and when she jumped into my arms and sobbed I felt myself falling in love all over again. I wanted to hold her and never let go. But that's not why I came over. I slowly dropped her to her feet again and back away. I felt her eying me up, as if she were trying to figure how the hell I could let myself go like I have. I knew I looked bad. Hell I've been wearing the same cloths for the past week or two. I haven't showered, and I haven't slept. My eyes are blood shot from hang overs and lack of sleep, I smell of sweat and bars.

Then she asked me the question. I just wanted to scream and yell. I would have but I don't even know if she's at home or still at the hospital. "What happened to you baby?"

"You happened to me. How can you just throw away seventeen years of marriage every time you see someone you'd like to fuck. Don't ever think of us Lyn?" I asked. I could feel my tears forming, and I begged them not to fall. But they didn't listen to my internal fight as a tear fell from my eyes and down my cheek.

"Baby I do think of us, everyday. Like I told you before and I'll keep telling you till you believe me, I did not cheat on you."

"You lying bitch I know your cheating on me! I know you are, I've seen and I've heard. I just ignored it all in hopes that I could make this marriage work, but I've realized I can't. I won't put my daughter through this anymore. I'm filling for a divorce Lindsay and I want sole and physical custody of my daughter." But I'm to chicken to say any of that.

I pushed past her and walked into the house and towards the kitchen. I heard her feet slap against the hard wood floor as followed behind me. I pulled out a chair from the table and sat down, my hands holding my head up as I felt my hair fall around my hands. I don't know and I don't care to know why but I broke down. My body began to shake as I just sobbed to myself. I can't believe after seventeen years of marriage this is how it ended. Me filling for a divorce because my wife can't keep her legs closed. What did I do wrong? Did I tour much, did I ignore her when she talked to me? All she had to so was tell me and I could of (well at least) tried to fix the problem.

Or maybe it was of Jesse's fault, just like Lindsay has been trying to me. I shook that thought of my head and called myself stupid. It's not Jesse's fault that we were getting a divorce, isn't that what all kids think anyways? That when their parents get a divorce that it's their fault. I was brought of my thoughts when I felt her hand rubbing up and down my back, while whispering "comforting" words in my ear. After crying for what seemed like hours I finally stopped. As I wiped away my tears and sniffled she asked. "Would you like some coffee baby?"

"Yes please!" I practically begged. I haven't had coffee in so long. While I mean I have but I could never make my coffee the way Lyn made hers. I know the whole world makes coffee the same I just happened to like hers better. I don't know if it was because I thought she made with love and care, or maybe it was just because I loved this woman with my whole heart that to me anything she made tasted ten times better than anything in this world.

It took a good ten or twenty minutes before the coffee was done, and in that time frame it was an awkward silence. Finally the coffee was done and I watched as she poured the sugar into her cup, and left mine black just like I loved it. She placed my cup on the table and kissed my cheek before she pulled out a chair for her to sit on. I picked up the coffee and inhaled the scent before blowing on it to cool it down a little. I could feel her eyes on me as I did all of this and I felt loved. Just like when we first met during a lunch break at college.

When I felt her look away for a brief second I looked up at her, and saw the woman I fell love in love with. The shy girl who was scared to say the wrong thing in front of me. I could my feel my heart shatter when I envisioned her moaning out someone else's name. Then she said the unthinkable.

"Baby I miss you." Lyn said, breaking the silence.

My heart fluttered and I was on high that I haven't felt in so long. God how I just wanted to kiss those lips one more time and hold her in my arms. And make her feel safe when she felt so scared, or make her laugh till she cried. I leaned forward and wiped away my tears that had fallen. I wanted to say it so bad, but I stopped myself before I could. "Jesse has to get ready for school Lyn. The principal called me told me she has to go today or they'll send her to court. She doesn't need the added pressure of that, plus the divorce. Is she at home or at the hospital still?" I asked. She was taken back, she thought for sure I would say I had missed her too. But what she doesn't know is that I have missed like crazy.

She stood up and grabbed a pan from under the stove and eggs from the fridge, she was upset. Right now my wife was feeling many emotions how do I know because she was cooking. Just like another woman Lyn cooks when she gets upset.

"Jesse get up!" She yelled. So Jesse was home.

"I'm sorry Lyn I didn't mean to spring it on you, but you have to let me explain." I don't know why I should be explaining shit, she should be explaining and apologizing to me not the other way around.

"No I don't have to!" Jesse yelled back. She groaned loudly and threw the pan into the sink, obviously pissed off with the world. The eggs stayed in the bowl they were in and I prayed they would stay like that.

"You know what Gerard explain please. Why are you filling for a divorce when I'm telling the fucking truth I'm not cheating on you!" Her voice stung. The words stung.

"Why should I explain? I'm not the one cheating, I'm not the one using OUR daughter as some little black book. You should be explaining Lindsay not me!" That's not what I said, I chickened out once again.

"Jesse get down here now, listen to your Mother!" I yelled, while walking to the stairs. I heard jump from her bed and ran into the hallway. Once she saw me at the stairs she jumped into my arms. I stumbled as held my daughter in my arms for the first time in almost two weeks. I felt her tears pouring down and fall against my neck, I wiped them away for her and set her back down to her feet. After looking me up and down for a good minute or two she pulled me into another hug. I felt like I was old myself again, before I found out about Lyn. Like nothing in my world go wrong. I had a gorgeous wife, a beautiful child, and my dream job. And all of this was because I was holding my daughter, the only girl I could ever trust.

She slowly pulled away with a disappointed look on her face. "Daddy you smell like beer! I thought you said you weren't going to drink anymore!" She yelled.

Everything I felt disappeared and my heart was filled with guilt."Jesse my friends in New York took me out to a bar, I promise I haven't had a drink since you woke up from your coma. Believe me baby girl I would never lie to you." I said, pulling her into another hug. I fought with myself not to cry, I fought with myself not to tell her I lying. I wanted to tell her so bad that I broke my promise, but when I "explained" why I smelt like beer the look on her face. I couldn't tell her.

"Did you see the car Mom got me?" She asked. I stared at her for a quick second and shook my head yes and laughed. That fucking bitch that was my birthday present for Jesse. Not only was that my birthday present for her, that was her good job on getting clean and sober. That was her present for fighting through her coma and waking up. I can't believe Lyn would do to that to me.

"Did you finish your comic yet?" She asked.

Did I finish my comic? What the hell was she talking about I wasn't working on my comic. I mean they had to have told her I wasn't living here anymore right? "I wasn't work-"

"Yeah he finished it, but he hasn't sent it out yet." Lyn said, cutting me off. It was like she was trying to hide something from her. Oh well I'll find out later.

"OK? Anyways Jesse how would you feel if I told you that you were going back to school today?" I asked. I already knew her answer, but I just wanted to see if she had changed her attitude towards school.

"I'd tell you to that you were crazy and that I wasn't going back to school." She said. I chuckled on the inside.

"Well get ready to call me crazy because Jesse your going back to school. I just got a call from the school they said now that you were out of the hospital and clean, you have to go back. New Jersey law." She groaned and mumbled underneath her breath, while stomping up the stairs. I looked around and noticed Lyn wasn't in the room anymore, I walked into the kitchen to see her on the floor against the fridge crying.

"Babe what's wrong?" I asked, grabbing her hand and bringing it to my lips. No matter how much I hated her for ruining our marriage, I still worry about her. I still care for her feelings, I still wanna' know what's wrong with my wife.

"I don't want you to leave me baby. I need you so much, Jesse needs you. You can't leave us over something your daughter said while she was hooked on drugs. You have to believe me that I would never cheat on you." Oh God here we go again.