I Might Be Okay But I'm Not Fine At All

***-Jonathan-***

I arrived in my empty apartment after the gruelling game against Red Wings the team won but I didn't felt good about how I play tonight. I just didn't produce a goal or assist I'm totally useless there on the ice, which didn't help with the fact Thea broke up with me a month ago finally ending our relationship of almost two years. I left my hockey bag somewhere my living room, something I never did before. I sat down at the chair that faced the Chicago skyline. The view of my floor-to-ceiling window was the one that made me bought my apartment but tonight even beautiful view lost its magic to me.

I know that I wouldn't be able to go to sleep right away so I stayed here sitting tiredly and trying not to think about her but it was hard and I know I'm near losing the battle of acting who doesn't care.

"Fuck this!" I said out loud fishing out my phone inside my pocket. I stared at her picture that is the wallpaper of my phone thinking how easy our relationship turned into this.

Maybe it was our busy schedule that made us grow apart. Maybe she had gotten too lost with her job. Maybe I became to obsess with the game. Maybe the two of us didn't tried hard enough to make it work that it eventually tore us apart.

I got a lengthy list of question at what happened to us but I've been too caught up with the game that it took me this long to finally realize she's gone and she'll never come back. And finally I'm ready to admit to myself it was my fault. I pushed her away.

My train of thoughts was interrupted by Kaner calling me.

I answered it, "Hello?"

"Hey! Just checking on you. You okay, man?" he asked making me smile for the first time today. We might argue and butthead at times but at the end of the day he will always be my best friend the one that can read me better that anybody.

"I'll be okay, I guess." I don't like lying and even if I lied to him saying I am he will just call it bullshit anyway.

"Okay," he paused must be searching for the right words to tell to me. "If you need someone to drink with a bottle of beer or two, you know who to call." he finally said.

"Yeah, thanks." I told him then we hang up on each other.

I stare stupidly again at my wallpaper asking myself when am I going to grow some balls to call her or go to her place and try to fix us. It's now or never, I already wasted so much time but doubt crept into my mind. What if she already moved on? What if she fell out of love with me now? What if we're too broken it is impossible to mend now?

There are days I hated being serious about everything and anything; this moment is one of those. Those 'what ifs' will never be answer if I wouldn't try. With my decision finalized I called her it keeps on ringing but she didn't answer. After a few minutes I tried again but no luck of her answering her phone. I nearly throw my phone across the room out of frustration but I control myself it's not the time to let my hotheadedness get the better of me.

***-Thea-***

I'm answering e-mails from work when my phone rings I picked it up to check who was calling me at midnight and saw Jon's name on the screen. I stare at it for a very long time contemplating whether to answer or just ignore it. Why? Why would he just suddenly call after a month of no communication with me?

"Who do you think you are Jonathan Bryan Toews to waltz back into my life again?" I said out loud suddenly sobbing over him. Over a phone call I didn't know I've been waiting for since the day I walked out of his apartment.

I sat there on my couch hugging my legs crying all over again as if the break up happens today instead of a month ago. I thought I'm already moving on but I realized that every day the pain in my chest never left instead it became a dull ache but still painful nonetheless.

My phone ringed again when I checked it was still Jonathan. God knows I was dying to answer the phone but I was tired of the drama. Of the fights. Of being hurt. In the end I gave up the fight because there's nothing left fighting for.

After a few minutes it ringed again and again and again making me cry harder. I want to pick up the phone so badly just to hear his voice again. I miss him so much it was so pathetic. The ringing died. Maybe he finally gave up, but my phone started ringing again. I wiped my tears with the sleeves of my –his sweat shirt, finally decided to pick up the phone. Perhaps, a closure was what we need. The night we broke up was not exactly the last memory I want to remember when I thing of our relationship.

With a steady voice, I answered my phone. “Johnny.”

“Thea, thank God you answer your phone. I thought you will never answer my calls.” His voice that was usually monotone, sound relief and desperate on the other end of the line as he told me this.

“I plan to.” I was surprised at how calm I sounded when just few moments ago I was bawling my eyes out.

“I’m so sorry, Thea.” I can hear the sincerity of his words.

“I’m sorry too, Johnny.” I told him and I can feel the tears threatening to fall again. “But why now? What took you this long to call me?”

“I… I don’t know.” He admitted. “I miss you, I guess.”

I laughed bitterly. “You guess? I miss you every single second of my day and it took you a month to realize you miss me?” A single tear fell and another then I started to completely cry. There was only silence on the other end, which one added to the pain I felt inside. “You don’t have to answer that.” I added.

“I’m sorry.” He repeated.

“It’s okay. That’s life, you know. Sometimes you don’t get what you always want. Sometimes the person you love doesn't love you back. Sometimes you wait for phone calls that never come. Sometimes it takes a long time to find the person you’re meant to be with. And sometimes you fall deeply, passionately in love but it doesn't last. Just because our relationship didn’t end in happily ever after doesn't mean that it wasn't meaningful and true.” I said, sobbing not trying to hide it from him anymore.

“Thea,”

Whatever he was about to say I immediately cut it off. “I will always love you, Jonathan. I hope you always remember that. Goodbye.”