Making Hits for Your Heart

Jamison stood in front of John’s house taking a deep breath and knocked on the door. A few moments later John had opened the door with a surprised expression across his face to see her standing at his door.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” He asked immediately giving her a hug and inviting her inside.

“We need to talk…” Jamison let out a sheepish chuckle as they stood in front of each other in the living room.

John smiled and just nodded his head, “What’s up?”

“I got a job… a couple of jobs actually.” She announced a bit unenthusiastically.

“That’s great!” John said sounding completely excited for her. “What jobs?”

“Musical director for Maroon 5 for their Europe tour and also musical director for The Voice Australia… and guest lecturer for South Cross University.”

His expression faltered immediately knowing exactly what that meant. “So that would mean—“

“I have to move to Australia for about a year…” She nodded her head averting her gaze from him.

“What are you going to do?” He asked but the expression on her face had always told him the answer to his question. “You already decided—“ He looked at her with a mixture of disappointment and sadness.

“I can’t say no to these opportunities.” Jamison reasoned as she let out a sigh and tried to grab John’s hand. He immediately deflected her hand and his expression turned into fury within moments.

“You’re so selfish… I can’t believe you would—” John yelled throwing his hands up in the air.

“John—“ Jamison pleaded. “Think about if you were in my shoes, would you—“

He shook his head furiously. “It’s not the same—“

“How is it not the same?” She asked looking at him completely baffled by his words.

“I would pick you…”

Jamison bolted up clutching her chest as the sound from the door slamming in the studio. She had realized she had been sleeping on the couch in the control room as Jake walked in.

“Sorry.” Jake said realizing he had woken Jamison up. “You okay?” He looked at her in a bit of worry as she looked like she was a bit in distress.

She let out a sigh running her hands through her hair. “Yeah… just out of it.”

“Another nightmare about telling John?” He asked but already knowing how she would answer.

“Yeah…” She nodded. “There’s so much to think about and factors on how it will play out.”

“True.” He nodded. “It all depends on how you want to start it.”

After Jake and Jamison ended their recording session with Matt Nathanson. Jake and Matt had decided to go out for a round of drinks to wind down while Jamison decided she would go back home and stew in her thoughts.

After spending an hour just sitting and thinking Jamison had decided to break the cycle and call John.

“Hello pretty girl.” John answered causing Jamison’s heart to swell and falter all at once.

“Hi boyfriend of pretty girl.” She teased chuckling at his choice of words.

John let out a mock gasp, “So you admit you’re pretty. This is progression…” he joked causing her to roll her eyes and blush a bit.

“Shut up.” She laughed as he began laughing along with her.

“How is work?” He asked. “How is prepping for your trip to visit your folks for Lunar New Years?”

“Work is good.” She said. “I made a Costco run for my parents… I’m literally only there for a week. It’s probably going to just be excessive amounts of food and what not. Nothing to prepare for besides wearing pants with elastic waistbands.”

“I hope you don’t explode or fall into a food-induced coma.” He teased causing Jamison to laugh and shake her head at his childish antics she had loved.

“How’s prepping for the acoustic tour?” She asked realizing John would be in San Francisco in a few days to start their “An Acoustic Evening With The Maine” tour on the west coast.

“Exhausting. Amazing. Fun. Stressful. All that fun stuff.” John let out a content sigh as he smiled to himself thinking about rehearsal they had earlier that day.

“It’s going to be awesome. I can feel it.” She assured him causing John to smile at her words. He was always so grateful for Jamison’s constant positivity and support when it came to the band.

“We’re starting in San Francisco.”

“I know.” She laughed. She wasn’t sure why he was obviously stating things she already knew.

“You’ll be there?” He asked almost sounding worried like she wouldn’t show up.

“Do you even need to ask?”

“Just making sure.” He chuckled. “Sucks we’re only there for the day.”

“I know. It’d be nice to spend more time together.”

“February—we have two weeks off in between before we do the east coast leg of the acoustic tour. Spare some time?” He asked in a hopeful voice he knew once March would roll around it’d be a slew of non-stop touring on his end.

Jamison smiled, “I think I can do that.”

“The endless possibilities of spending time with you.” John said in a singsong voice causing her to break out into another smile.

“Make it count.”

“We’re not leaving my room.” He announced. “Eric can bring us food.”

“I’ve always wanted Eric to see me without pants on… or even less.” Jamison deadpanned causing John to stifle a laugh.

“Who said we’d be naked… dirty mind party for one, Jamie Song.” He teased as he burst into a fit of laughed.

“I walked into that one…” She mumbled as she quietly laughed at her own blunder.

“You did.” He agreed. “You alright? You sound tired.” He asked hearing the fatigue in her voice.

“I took a nap in the studio and I don't think I fully woke up from it.”

“I hope you dreamt good dreams.”

“You were in it…” She said telling him half a truth.

----------

February 2014

After Jamison’s visit to her parents and John finishing the west coast half of “An Acoustic Evening With The Maine” being over. The two had reunited with one another.

They had spent the afternoon with Garrett shooting an impromptu photo shoot for their untitled project just for the fun of it. A drive around town, a few rolls of film later, and a trip to the one-hour photo station, John and Jamison had spent the evening going through the developed rolls of film.

“These came out nice…” John said as they sat on his bed across from one another sorting through the photos.

“They’re amazing.” Jamison smiled looking through her stack of photos. “But that’s no surprise—it’s Gare.” She shrugged nonchalantly.

John raised an eyebrow and threw a grin at her. “What’s that’s suppose to mean?” He asked in a teasing manner.

“He’s a talented dude with a nice face to look at and a nice personality to boot.” She played along as John laughed at her response.

“Sounds like you have a crush on Mr. Garrett Nickelsen…”

“Totally.” She laughed. “He’s my man crush Monday on Instagram this week… and forever in my heart.” She put a hand over her chest and did a mock silent prayer.

John laughed before he copied Jamison’s gesture by putting his hands over his chest pretending to be in mock pain, “Darlin’ your words… they just crush me.”

Jamison laughed as she handed her stack of photos to John and grabbed the pile he was done sorting through. “So, question… not trying to bait you or anything. But I’m just wondering your past relationships—have you ever felt held back by anyone or just I don’t know felt there was a time they were being selfish?” She asked, staring through the pile of photos instead of looking at him.

“Once. It was the one time I thought I was really in love. ” He began, “It was around the time we were making ‘Black & White’ I was dating this girl for quite sometime and loved her to some degree but at the time I thought I was in love with her—like really in love.”

“So, what made you realize you weren’t really in love with her?” She looked up at him with a perplexed expression bracing herself for his answer.

John smiled. “I met you.” He answered nonchalantly like it had been the most obvious answer in the world before going back and flipping through the new stack of photos.

Those words made Jamison’s heart swell up.

“Anyways, making that record was such a pain with the whole label situation and everything that already put some turmoil into our relationship. But once the record was made and we began touring on it, things took a turn. She kept saying how selfish I was for doing what I was doing and not giving her the same attention. But honestly, I did so much for her… we actually shifted a lot of tour dates and I delayed production to be with her. The band and I were just drifting and I was losing myself in the process. One day, she made me choose and I picked music.” He explained looking up at Jamison’s who had a look of astonishment on her face.

“Wow… I had no idea.” She shook her head taking in his words.

“I drank and slept with a lot of people to distract myself from it all and then came recording “Pioneer” and that was a cathartic experience. But I always felt like I was being held back and I always had that lingering question in the back of my brain of, “did I do the right thing?” whenever I sacrificed something for her. I think I even resented her at some point for making me feel that way and making me feel like I wasn’t enough.” He admitted, “But I’m happy now. This is all I need.” He gave her a lazy smile.

After going through the photos, talking about everything and nothing at all, then spending the rest of the evening quietly doing their own things (John writing in his journal and Jamison doing work related things on her laptop) John had fallen asleep. Jamison sat on the couch in John’s room converted from a garage and watched him peacefully sleep.

She picked up the journal that was next to his head and flipped through it—John’s untitled project journal. Luckily this was something that was fair game for either of them to go through since they were working on the project with one another.

Jamison wondered what John had spent the evening writing… part of her wish she hadn’t read his words.

We talk about fears, firsts, and faith…

My fear that this will be as good as my life gets… it’s great now, but I don’t ever want to feel like this is all that the world has to offer me in this life.

My first heartbreak probably in the 5th grade—I was young and naïve. She was one of my close friends back then but our story was merely just a footnote and heartbreak served in many forms. It took a lot of milkshakes to get over her.

My faith that you won’t break my heart and leave me to drown (alone) in what would just be an ocean of our memories…

My fears, faith, and first thoughts of forever are with you.

Jamison read the entry over as she let out a sigh trying to hold back tears. She closed John’s journal and retrieved her journal she was using to write her part of the untitled project. She took a few minutes to collect her thoughts before she began writing.

I know you fairly enjoy it when I question myself when it comes to you. Especially when I question the way I feel when you kiss me or hold me… and everything else in between.

But the questioning— it goes much deeper for me than that…
It comes down to fears.

I have a lot of fears… and we can break them down into scientific terms if we want to get technical…

Acrophobia– the fear of heights. I always feel like I’m already falling to my death when I’m looking down from above ground. The dizziness and anxiety of it all… the thought of it makes me nauseous.

But then there’s philophobia— the fear of falling in love. And it feels much like acrophobia— the vertigo, dizziness, and anxiety. But I’ve gotten over that after meeting you.

I feel like I’ve developed a new fear… my greatest fear.

Soteriophobia—the fear of dependence of others. What’s even worse to imagine is the reality that I might not be able to survive without that person— without you.

What if one day you’re gone from my life, will I unravel? I feel like I would…

You mean more to me than I ever wanted you to be.