Making Hits for Your Heart

Jamison stared at her cellphone for what seemed like forever. It wasn’t like she was waiting for a call; she was hesitating to make one—specifically to Jonathan, her manager. She hoped somehow her cellphone could read her brainwaves and just make somehow telepathically Jonathan would hear her but she knew science wasn't that advanced yet. She picked up her cellphone and began pressing his name into her phone book.

She dialed.

“Jamison Song, what can I do for you?” Jonathan answered cheerfully as she let out an internal sigh bracing herself for what words would come out of her mouth.

“Jon…” She sighed. “I’m going to take the jobs.”

“Really?” He sounded a bit surprised, mostly cause it had taken her so long to answer he thought her answer would have gone the other way.

She couldn’t believe what she had just agreed to. “Yeah.”

“You’re going to do great Jae. I don’t think you really know how gifted you are.” Jonathan said encouragingly, he always was a manager and a friend—which was rare in the industry they were in.

“I might crash and burn.” She chuckled sheepishly as a mixture of nerves and guilt washed over her.

“No, you won’t.” He assured her. “It’s rare to meet a person like you.”

“Thanks Jon.” She smiled, letting out a sigh. “So when do I have to leave?”

“Can you get your shit together by late March?”

“I’ll do my best.”

“Hey Jae…”

“Yeah?”

“If it’s meant to be, you’ll find your way back…” Jonathan said as Jamison realized the undertone to his words.

“You’re right…” She weakly smiled. “I’ll take care of things here but keep me updated.”

“Will do.”

Jamison hung up the phone and let out a sigh—something she was doing far to often. But she knew she had some things to take care of before new chapters of her life were to begin.

----------

March 2014

It was a new month and The Maine would soon be heading to Europe once again at the end of the month to start their tour. John had spent the afternoon in and out of meetings with the band about tour and possible future projects. During his downtime during the day John had an epiphany of sorts and immediately called Jamison to share the news with her—she had become the first person he would call to share things with.

“Hey.” Jamison answered.

“So, I thought of the title.” John blurted out as his anxious excitement took the best of him without even greeting his other half.

“For?”

“The project we’ve been working on…”

“Shoot.”

“So, I was listening to The Beatles.” He said sounding almost too excited.

Jamison chuckled at the almost childlike manner John while speaking. “Good job.”

“And “All You Need Is Love” came on…” He continued not even realizing she was laughing at him. “And then “Because” came on and it hit me—“Love is All” should be the title.”

“I like it—a lot.” She smiled, understanding where he was coming from with the title.

“I already wrote the intro to it.” John sheepishly admitted feeling like he was two steps ahead of Jamison but also completely excited.

“Good job with being productive.” She said encouragingly causing him to smile.

“So, I showed the guys and Tim bits and pieces of what we wrote…”

“And?”

“They really loved it—Tim wants to produce some copies and sell it.” He elaborated; recalling the meeting they had earlier today about possible merch ideas and other things.

“Make it happen…”

John was completely surprised by her response. “You’re okay with that?”

“If you want to and it makes you happy—I am all for it.” She smiled. “I trust you completely to pick the right ones to put into the book.”

“It’s weird thinking about putting this out in the ether—it’s been something that’s just ours for so long.” He said, letting out a small laugh as nostalgia washed over him a bit.

“Sharing is caring.” She said nonchalantly as John smiled at her carefree words and ways.

“That it is…” He agreed with a chuckle. “What are you up to?”

“Just work stuff.” She said. “What about you?”

“Band meeting for upcoming tour and things.” He let out a content sigh. “Feels good knowing the near future is filled with more adventures.” He said causing Jamison to feel a pang of guilt.

“I miss you.”

“I miss you too.” He chuckled. “Maybe sometime within the next 3 weeks we can see each other before I go off to troublin’ Dublin?”

“Sure.” She answered. “I gotta get going but I’ll talk to you later?”

“Yeah.” He said. “I love you.”

“I do too.” Jamison said before hanging up. She stuck her phone back into her pocket and let out a sigh.

Truth was, Jamison had just finished a business meeting with the producers of “The Voice Australia” and signed her contract. It was official she would be on a one-way trip to Australia for the time being.

Jamison didn’t know why she was holding off to the very last minute to tell John. She was never one to procrastinate. But a part of her wanted to have every last good moment she could have with John before telling him she was leaving and another part just couldn’t bear to tell him. She knew it wasn’t fair to either of them if she kept going on like this.

John deserved better.

--------

Jamison felt like she had gone crazy. She had spent the afternoon driving down to Arizona from Los Angeles. It was early in the evening when she had arrived at John’s house. She had parked a block away from his place and just sat in her car for about an hour contemplating what to tell him exactly—playing out all kinds of scenarios and words she would say but nothing seemed good enough.

She drove up into John’s driveway, walked up to the front, and rang the doorbell. It had felt like eternity before John had answered the door with a complete look of surprise on his face.

“Hey.” John shouted happily embracing her. “What are you doing here?” He opened the door wider to let her in.

“I was in the neighborhood…” She said jokingly letting out a sheepish chuckle.

If being in the neighborhood meant driving 6 hours.

“It’s like you can read my mind or something I was just going to call you…” He said, excitedly as they walked into the kitchen. “I have an idea I wanted to run by you.”

“Which is?” She asked standing in front of John who had his back leaned against the kitchen counter.

“May—after the 8123 South America tour is over. You and I go to Paris for a week and I will show you around and we can eat bread and drink wine all day.” He suggested, as he sounded completely excited by just saying the idea aloud. “And maybe we can even take a train to Brussels and drink awesome beer—“

“John—“ She put her hands on his chest. “I don’t think I can go to Paris with you…”

John’s expression wavered a bit but still tried to keep his positive demeanor he had going on. “We could go another time.” He assured her as she shook her head in disagreement.

“I don’t think I can.”

“Why?” He looked at her confused and a bit worried, his mood quickly shifted into worry.

“I got a job offer as musical director for a tour in Europe for a couple months as well as being musical director for ‘The Voice Australia’ and a guest lecturer at Southern Cross University.“ She explained.

He grabbed her by the arms in excitement. “That’s great I’m so happy for you! When do you leave—”

“I think we should break up…” She muttered, clearly enough for John to hear exactly what she had said.

John couldn’t believe the words that had just come out of Jamison’s mouth.

“Are you fucking serious—how can you say that? Do you not love me enough to try and make this work?” He asked raising his voice as she averting her gaze from him.

“I guess I don’t.” She responded speaking a bit louder than she did before.

“What did you say?”

“I guess I don’t…” She said, now speaking clearly and the words coming out of her mouth like it was nothing. “I guess I don’t—love you enough.” She repeated wondering if she was saying it to herself or telling John.

John continued to hold her by the arms as he pushed her until her back was against the nearest wall and she had nowhere to run. “Why are you doing this?”

“I don’t want to lie to you… I’ve known about this job for months and—“

“You’ve known for months and you’re telling me now?!” He yelled, this had only been adding to his anger.

“I’m tired I don’t—“

“Just stop, fucking stop it…” John shook her, hoping to knock some sense into her. “What’s wrong with you Jamison?”

“I want out of this…” She sighed while trying to gather her scattered thoughts together.

“You’re lying…” He said, not wanting to believe anything that she was saying or hoping that this was all just a really sick joke or even hallucinating. “Look me in the eye and tell me the truth.”

“Let’s just stop this, I don’t want to—“

“LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND FUCKING SAY IT!” He screamed, causing Jamison to flinch for a smallest moment before she gathered herself and looked at John in a way he had never seen before—cold and almost lifeless.

“No more.” She said looking at him straight in the eye without any hesitation in her voice or demeanor. “We’re through…” She had never sounded so cold.

“You’re—you… I don’t even—“ John was completely speechless as he stared at her in incredulity for a moment before slamming his fist into the wall that was only inches away from her face.

Jamison looked over at the fist beside her as her eyes widened in complete shock and a bit of fear.

“What’s going on here?!” Eric yelled, coming out of his room with Ruby who began barking because of the commotion.

“I’m done with all of this…” She shoved John out of the way and walked out the door leaving Eric in confusion and John in a rage of fury.

Jamison had walked to her car and quickly put her keys in the ignition and drove off. She had driven back to LA completely blank in every way possible—from her thoughts to feelings. All she could comprehend was…

She had finally told him.

--------

It had been almost a week since the incident between John and Jamison. Within that week Jamison had completely immersed herself into work not taking a break to think about anything else or she had tried. Whenever she would try to sleep—John would appear. But she kept telling herself that sleepless nights and overworking herself was better than facing her actual feelings.

Jamison sat in Butch’s studio going over some demos while everyone had taken the afternoon off to go riding. Her phone began ringing and without even checking to see whom it was she answered.

“Hello?” Jamison answered staring at the computer screen intently.

“Hey Jam.” Jared said, sounding a bit subdued and sympathetic all at once.

Jamison stopped what she was doing and gave her undivided attention to him. “Hey Jared.”

“We’re all here.” Garrett said, but Jamison knew that meant everyone but John. “You’re on speaker.”

Jamison let out a sigh; she knew this call would be inevitable.

“Can we talk?” Pat asked sounding concerned.

“If I said no, we’re still going to talk about it, right? She asked rhetorically.

“He’s not well. It’s only been a week and he’s just… dead on the inside. We haven’t seen him this bad in a long time.” Jared admitted, he felt bad for adding more burdens onto her but he had to be honest with her John was a complete wreck.

John had been in this weird state of solitary making minimal contact with anyone. Whenever each of the guys would come visit him he would be just sitting there staring at nothing—like he had been trapped in his own brain. It had worried the guys especially since they would be leaving for tour in about 3 weeks.

Jamison felt her heart sting a bit hearing Jared’s words. “I’m sorry I— I’m sorry I did that to him, it wasn’t my intention.“

“You can’t just—“ Kennedy sighed in frustration. “You can’t just do that to him.” He told her causing Jamison to feel even guiltier, she had forgotten about everyone else and how this would affect them.

"Listen you can call me whatever you want or say whatever you want about me, but I never let anything get in the way of what I've ever wanted to do, this is how I got here. You guys should understand more than anyone about sacrifices when it comes to this lifestyle.” She said defending herself almost sounding like she was on the verge of tears.

“You know that we know that…” Garrett said sympathetically feeling his own heart twinge a bit because his two friends weren’t happy and they weren’t with each other.

“I'm making a few sacrifices... I’m stepping outside myself and exploring things. I don't want to wake up one morning and have doubts and think, “did I do the right thing? “I don't want to blame John if I ever did feel like that... this way, if I do regret it, it's all on me.” Jamison explained as the guys completely understood where she was coming from but it didn’t make it any easier for the rest of them as a band or as friends of her and John.

“Did you have to just break up with him like that?” Kennedy asked softly almost like if he had asked any louder, she would break.

“I might have just handled things wrong…” She admitted, as she felt a lump in her throat. “But I rather have him hate me for breaking up with him this way then resent me later for holding him back. Here’s the thing, I’d never want to hold back John either from anything in life and what it has to offer him. I mean if it was a month or three maybe it’d be different but I’m going to be gone for at least a year. How can I ask John to wait for me and put effort into our relationship when I know I probably can’t do the same—when we both just can’t there for each other?” She asked to no one in particular and just getting lost in her own train of thought.

“You’re making it work now.” Pat tried to reason. “What it’ll be different?”

“It’s a 9,000 mile difference… add in— time difference, my schedule, his constant touring. Could you see that going on for an entire year, if not more? Momentum and things would die out. We’ll get tired at some point.” She explained.

The guys had looked at one another silently agreeing wit her—she was making valid points.

Jared didn’t want to give up on the two. “You don’t know that.” He reasoned.

“I rather have him hate me now then resenting me later for holding him back.” She repeated, now feeling tears stream down her face. “You know he deserves all the freedom in the world to just be… himself. I never want to take that away from him. It might hurt now but I believe he can get through this—he has you guys and so many people who love him so much more than I ever could. So I’m asking you to take care of him.” She pleaded as the guys could hear the tears in her voice.

Garrett felt a lump in his throat, he hated that this was hurting everybody. “We—“

“You guys have to make sure he’ll be okay…” She pleaded once more as she wiped the flow of tears that were coming out of her eyes.

“We’ll be there for him.” Jared assured her.

After the phone call with Jamison, Jared had drove to John’s place. He walked inside the house and into John’s room to see him sitting on his couch mindlessly sitting there not moving at all—empty bottles of alcohol strewn all over and empty packets of cigarettes, apparently John had decided to pick up smoking again.

“Hey man, can we talk?” Jared asked reluctantly knowing that John had been in this state for the last week, making minimal contact with the world or the band.

John shook his head. “Yeah…” He answered but the words coming out of his mouth didn’t seem to match his appearance.

“I think you need to let her go…”