Making Hits for Your Heart

A few days after Jamison’s phone call with the guys. She had occupied herself with spending time with friends and getting her things in order. Her life had now been stored within 2 suitcases. She didn’t know what to feel anymore. It was almost tunnel vision in a sense, all she knew was she would be staring another chapter of her career.

After spending the last few days in San Francisco with Matt Squire. Jamison had spent her final evening with him and her other friends at the going away get together they threw for her.

Jamison got out of her car and heading up to her door to see John sitting on the steps in front of her house. She wondered how John even knew where she was, let alone why he was there but then she realized one of their mutual friends on social media probably spilled the beans on where she was.

Social media wasn’t her friend at the moment.

“John, what are you doing here?” Jamison asked as she stared at him in complete shock. “Are you drunk?” He had reeked of whiskey and beer.

John got up from where he was sitting while stumbling a bit but finding his balance looking at Jamison with a stare that could have only been described as a mixture of hurt, anger, and self loath.

“I fucking drove up here to see you and then I got wasted at the bar down the street ‘cause I was going to chicken out. Yet, I still stumbled back here… to you.” He slurred, sounding a bit disgusted with himself. “God, I hate you so much right now…”

Jamison looked at him sympathetically. She hated seeing him this way, she hated that she was the one that caused him to be this way. But she would take any hateful words John would throw her way, she felt like he didn’t hate her enough for what she did to him.

“John…” She pleaded.

“Do you love me?” He asked almost sounding like he was completely sober.

Jamison was completely taken back by his question and unsure she had heard him correctly. “What?”

“It’s a simple question—do you love me?” He slurred pointing to himself. “Cause I hate you so much… I hate that I love you I just hate—“

“John…”

“Do. You. Love. Me?” He asked emphasizing each word while pointing to himself after saying every word.

“John, you’re drunk. Come inside and let’s get you sobered up.” She grabbed his arm and pulled him inside.

“Okay…” John didn’t put up a fight and just followed not even knowing what he was doing or saying at this point anymore.

“You need to sleep this off…” Jamison mumbled, as they began walking towards her room. But suddenly she felt a sudden weight while pulling John.

“Don’t leave me.” He begged.

Jamison turned around to see him on his knees with his head facing down. John grabbed her hands still facing his head towards the floor.

“Please… please don’t leave me.” He pleaded as she felt a few of his tears fall on her hands.

“John—“

“”I’m sorry for everything.” John began sobbing. “I’ll do anything, just please—“ He grabbed her hands tighter.

“John, I can’t—“

“Don’t leave me.” He cried out sounding like he was it pain. “Please. I’ll do anything.” He whispered as more tears began falling. “Please…”

“We can talk about this in the morning.” She said but knowing her wouldn’t remember a thing when the sun would rise. “John— you need to sleep…” She helped him get up from the floor and into her room.

Jamison got John into her bed carefully tucked him in. She watched him silently for a moment before turning to go sleep in the guest bedroom.

John grabbed her hand before she got out of his reach. “Don’t go… please stay here with me.” He said softly with eyes closed.

“Just for now…” She nodded; standing there and watching him fall asleep.

“I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough…” He mumbled as another tear fell from his eye.

“Do you know seeing you like this is hard for me? I know you're hurting, it hurts me too... I know it's hard to believe but it hurts me more. I know I should have handled things better. I know you care about me... so much. But I can't give you what you need and deserve, so this is why it has to be like this— I really hope one day you'll understand that. I hope you know, I do love you… and that you were always more than enough.” She explained as tears began flowing down her face. “But I don’t want to hold you back or have ‘what-if’s or should-have’s’ about us eat your brain. I’m sorry… for so many things but right now, I’m sorry you had to meet a person like me—to love me.” She looked up at the ceiling trying to hold back any more tears from coming out. She knew John wouldn’t hear any of it or remember a thing since he was going in and out of sleep.

The next morning John felt like a ton of cars had run over him then kicked in repeatedly in the head. The sun had brightly shined upon his face causing him to groan for a few minutes before sitting up and gathering his wits. He only then realized he wasn’t in his own room—the sheets were too nice and clean to be his.

“What the fuck did I do?” John mumbled to himself as he rubbed his eyes.

John looked around to realize he was at Jamison’s place. He now remembered the events of the previous day or the parts before it got a bit blurry for him. He felt like a crazy person driving all the way up to San Francisco in his truck and drinking to oblivion before stumbling in front of Jamison’s house. But he wanted to get in the last word before she left as pitiful as that sounded, it seemed like the most logical thing to do when he thought of the idea.

He slowly walked out into the living room to see Jamison standing at the kitchen island dressed in a simple loose t-shirt and jeans while drinking a glass of orange juice. Jamison looked up in a bit of surprise while John looked at the two suitcases that were in the middle of the living room then looked at her, the two stared at each other awkwardly at one another not knowing what to do or say.

“Hey.” Jamison said, giving him a weak smile knowing the tension in the room was beyond awkward.

“Hey…” John averted his gaze from her and stared at the two suitcases once more.

“I have to leave today for—“ She paused unable to form the words to tell him. “I have to fly out to LA for a day before heading off to—“

“I know.” He shook his head not wanting to hear the actual words come out of her mouth. He already had one headache; he didn’t need his heart to starting aching as well.

She walked up to him holding a glass of water and aspirin. “Here you need this…”

“Thanks.” He took the glass of water and aspirin from her hands and swallowed it.

“You should shower—I put some of your clothes you left here in the bathroom.”

“Thanks…” He mumbled without saying another word and heading to the bathroom.

John looked at himself in the mirror; he looked more disheveled than he usually did—hair out of place, unshaven, and his eyes seemed to have no life to them. He kept staring at himself trying to remember the hazy parts from the previous night.

“… I hope you know, I do love you… and that you were always more than enough.”

That’s the only thing John remembered from last night before passing out. He shook his head trying to expel the array of emotions he was feeling. He slowly began undressing himself till Jamison walked through the door holding fresh towels.

Jamison dropped the towels onto the floor and covered her eyes. “Oh god—I’m sorry. I always forget to knock.” She apologized, turning her back away from him.

He went up to her, spun her around, and took her hands away from covering her eyes surprising them both. He gently pushed her against the door, as both his hands rested on her neck as he kissed her with everything he had. He finally pulled away and looked at her realizing this might be one of the last times he might actually be able to do that.

“With you—it’s okay. It’s okay.” John whispered, as Jamison’s gaze was on the floor.

“I’m going to—go. Out.” She stuttered still not looking at him.

He shook his head. “Alright.”

After showering, John got himself dressed and walked out to see Jamison in the living room doing last minute packing. He felt his heart lurch and it finally hit him— she was leaving.

“You feeling a bit better than before?” She asked, putting a few things into her purse as John walked up in front of her and just watched her.

He wanted to answer ‘no’ but he knew it was too late to start anything with her. “A bit.” He lied.

She shook her head. “Good.”

“I should go, my car is parked down the street—“ He motioned to the door.

“I’m about to leave too…”

“Would it be selfish for me to ask you to stay?” He asked, without even thinking or knowing what words came out of his mouth.

“I’d be even more torn if you—“

“Don’t go…” He grabbed her arm and pulled her closer to him.

“John—“

“Is this it?” He asked, to himself and to her. He wondered if this was all that would be left of them—awkward exchanges and unsaid thoughts.

“I don’t know…” She answered honestly, shaking her head.

John let out a sigh, “I don’t know what to say…” He felt like he was wasting time.

“You don’t have to say anything, you’ve always shown it.” She assured him, cupping the right side of his face with her hand. “You’ve shown me immeasurable love, patience, friendship, and loyalty… and I don’t think I’ve shown you enough or told you how much that means to me. So I’m telling you now, you mean so much to me. I hope you never question that or how grateful I am to have known you and to love you.”

“It’s a two-way street… we were a team. But you’re giving up on us—maybe I’m not enough for you…” He said, without a trace of bitterness but just regret and sadness.

“Don’t ever question if you ever enough for me. Truth is, I don’t think I was enough for you.” She admitted sheepishly shrugging her shoulder.

John looked at her in shock before trying to grab her hand. “Jamie—“

Jamison pulled out something from her back pocket and held it in her hand. “Movers aren’t coming for another few weeks to put my things in storage… if you ever just need to be alone and escape till then.” She put the set of keys into John’s hand while giving him a weak smile.

He stared the set of keys before looking at her. “Jamie—“

“You’ve changed my life— I don’t think I’ll ever be able to listen to music the same way again because of you or even just live my life the same way—I won’t be the same. I now get what all the books, movies, and songs were talking about. I understand now and now I can just look at the world with a different perspective and that’s all because of you.” She said sounding genuinely grateful as her eyes glazed over with tears.

John felt his heart swell and break simultaneously hearing Jamison’s words. He felt paralyzed and unable to speak due to the lump in his throat. How would he respond to that?

But she continued…

“You are changing the world, I don’t think you have any idea on what you are doing and what kind of person you are—the amount of love you have in your heart to give, the hope you give, and just how amazing you are. I hope one day, you see yourself the way I see you.” A few tears began falling from her face as she quickly began wiping them and recomposed herself.

“Jamison…” John said, looking at her wanting to hug her but he knew if he did, it would only make things harder for the both of them.

“I gotta get going…” She kissed his cheek before grabbing her suitcases. “Bye John.” She said giving him a final smile.

Jamison began walking towards the door without looking back at John who just stood there feeling completely paralyzed.

“I love you…” He uttered while wondering if she could hear the last words he said to her.

The front door closed and just like that…

It was over.