Making Hits for Your Heart

The guys spent the day prepping to record for “Take What You Can Carry”. Jared and Kennedy had spent the afternoon with Brendan figuring out what tone to go with for the song, Garrett was filming studio updates for the fans, Pat was practicing his rudiments, John was sitting on the couch in the control room with his journal open going through the lyrics and thoughts he had collected over the years.

A particular page had caught his eye, it was an untitled song he had mainly written a few years back all jumbled in bits and pieces— it was about his family. Reading through the bits and pieces he had written it had made him miss his family.

Here's to this love
We didn't earn, yet we're taking
To the same love
That's 30 years in the making
With a thousand more to come

He wondered how his family was doing—wondering how Ross was doing in college, probably doing a lot better than he had done at his two semesters at ASU. He wondered how Shane was doing with his last year in high school. He wondered how his parents were doing, especially his mother. He always had a soft spot for his sensitive mother who cried over almost everything and anything—he thought about the time he wrote “Jenny” and showed it to his mom, she had cried before he had even played it for her.

“Are we writing the next great song that will change the world?” Jared asked jokingly, walking into the control room and taking a seat next to John on the couch.

“Trying to.” John chuckled closing his journal.

“We’re still short on songs… which is a first for us since our first album. Jared mused, “What’s going on dude?” he knew something was going on with one of his best friend he just didn’t know what exactly. He hoped that maybe the simple question would be answered.

“We’re on our fourth studio album, it seems like yesterday we made “Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop”…” John realized a bit in awe about how quickly time seemed to have pass for him and the guys.

“Crazy, isn’t it?” Jared chuckled, “We’ve been through a lot to get to this point…”

“So much…” John said, as memories began rushing through his brain.

“We’ve got two unconventional people working with us to make this album happen… it’s a bit mind blowing we’re doing this the way we are. I think this album is going to be a game changer.” Jared said staring into the recording room through the window watching Jamison and Brendan set up equipment while Garrett was recording them.

“For some reason, I think so too.” John watched Brendan and Jamison work together and felt a sense relief despite being a bit blocked; he knew Brendan and Jamison would somehow help them make the album they wanted no matter what obstacle came in their way.

Within the last few weeks of making the album John’s respect for the two producers had grown immensely especially with Jamison whom he did have reservations about from the beginning. Especially letting a girl into his boy’s club he always felt was sacred.

Jamison had proved herself to the guys and especially to John. Despite being a girl and young she proved that she was just as talented and hardworking as her colleagues who had been in the industry longer than her. She had built relationships with each of the members, which helped make the whole process a lot more enjoyable for everyone. From playing drums and cooking with Pat, talking about music and making mix tapes with Garrett, talking and joking about anything and everything with Jared and Kennedy, and late night talks with John. New friendships had slowly been growing and that was something everyone was grateful for.

John sat on the couch and zoned out as thought to himself about how the last few weeks had played out and his late night talks with Jamison he had been having for the last week or so. He never had imagined having that kind of repertoire with her. They had talked about music, life, and everything in between. He had gotten to know her a bit but he still felt a bit reserved with her, in a sense he knew she was probably doing the same with him but one thing he did realize with Jamison was that there was she wasn’t fake. She was just… Jamison.

Jamison Song-- with her short bob with side bangs that always seemed to fall in her face even when she tucked them behind her ear, her unconventional daily fashion choices from suspenders and skirts to hoodies and sweatpants, but besides all those things her energy and presence seem to be a force of nature of it’s own—determined and always making things happen in the studio, which was completely different once she wasn’t working. Outside the studio, she had a calming demeanor that was different from her strong quiet working demeanor. She seemed to have many sides to her but ultimately no matter what, you knew at the end of the day no matter what-- she was always Jamison Song.

And that’s what John had admired about her within the last few week of getting to know and work with her.

John’s thoughts were suddenly interrupted by Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” blasting through the entire studio he began laughing as he saw the guys with Jamison rocking out to the song.

“Air guitar!” Garrett shouted, as he stopped recording and began doing a guitar solo like it was a real guitar solo.

“Air drums!” Jamison yelled, pretending to rock out to an imaginary drum kit along with Garrett and Brendan who began head banging.

“Air band!” Jared ran into the to the recording room yelling with Pat and Kennedy joining Jamison, Garrett, and Brendan in with their respective fake instruments.

John laughed watching his band members enjoy themselves in a unprompted moment of fun during recording. For some reason, the sight of that had given John a sense of reassurance that despite whatever was going on with him. He would get through it.

Later that night as he sat in his room and started writing more parts to the untitled song about his family he had looked over earlier in the studio. He hated admitting it but he missed his family a lot lately. He missed the sense of innocence and security he had when he was around them. John looked at the clock to see it was past midnight. He knew Jamison would probably be up he walked out into the back patio to see her sitting in the same spot she was always at drinking a beer.

“I thought you would be here.” John joked, taking a seat next to her.

“Aren’t I always?” She chuckled, picking up an unopened bottle and beer and handed it to John. “What were you working on while we were setting up for recording?”

“I was looking through my journal—the one I write most of my lyrics in.” He said opening his beer with the bottle opener that was on the patio table.

“Any songs that you might revive for the album?”

“Maybe…” He took a sip of his beer and pondered for a moment, “You said Ryan went through writer’s block and you helped him. How did you do that?”

“Ryan was struggling and he’s just been through a lot… the rise and fall of this business. Caught up in fame and fortunate then he got his second chance and rose to it. But after making the comeback album, the follow up and pressure to make an album after that was so hard for him. But the guys didn’t want to wait another 2 years to make another album or people would’ve started to speculate something was up, which wasn’t the case. Ryan was just… scared. It was this whole trial and error thing lyrically during pre-production. We got a few songs down but the album was missing a few things… so I challenged him.” She explained looking at John who had an interested look on his face.

“What did you do?”

“I gave him daily prompts to just write thoughts and things…” Jamison thought for a moment, “In a sense, purge his thoughts—daily word vomit?” She chuckled at her word choice causing John to laugh.

“Did it work?” He asked curiously.

“It did, we had these daily talks too and just… it created a closer relationship for me with the guys. It helped with all the barriers, obstacles, and walls just breakdown… we got to the point where we were all honest whether there was tension or not. And the music that came out of it just became some of the most honest things they had made to date, especially for Ryan—lyrically. But he had to be completely honest with himself first, something I think he hadn’t done in awhile.” Jamison explained, thinking about the words she had said.

“What do you mean by that?”

“I don’t know if this will make sense to you but when you wrote your first album vs. your last album—were you ever… less honest? Whether it’d be lyrically or musically where you clouded your musical imperfections by fixing them?” She asked, looking at John wondering if he understood her jumbled thoughts.

John thought about it for a moment, he had done that on more than one occasion.
“I have…” He admitted.

“It’s so hard to be vulnerable… I get that. But I don’t know with Ryan it felt like he wasn’t being honest with himself completely on how he felt about anything when we first started making the album. He didn’t want to acknowledge his imperfections. I felt he needed to just acknowledge the situation and see where it went from there.” She shrugged nonchalantly before taking another sip of her beer.

“You do go above and beyond…” John teased but honestly he was more amazed by her work ethic than anything.

“I owe everything to music, I don’t think I can ever repay music and the people who make the music I love back… not in this lifetime at least.” She smiled.

“With you always working so much do you even have time to date?” He asked jokingly but was actually curious.

“Gosh… I think the last and only relationship I’ve been in was like 3 years ago? And it didn’t last long… lasted like 3 months?” She scrunched her face and laughed. John was completely surprised by the fact she had only been in one relationship and a short-lived one at that.

“What happened?”

“I think he liked the idea of me more than he liked me and personalities clashed a bit.” She shrugged taking a sipping her beer.

“Musician?” He asked.

“Yeah, no one famous…” She chuckled, “Local musician back in the Bay Area, I think he was intimidated by my job a bit. But despite that, he had an ego now that I think about it… he thought he was a rock star. I don’t regret my time with him but it kind of sucks how my first and only relationship wasn’t something to write home about. But yeah, I haven’t had one of those in awhile.” She began shaking her head and laughing.

“Do you ever get lonely—not dating and always working?”

“Some days I feel lonely, I don’t know if it’s cause I don’t have a significant other but I do have lonely days but for the most part… no. Work keeps me busy and I have a lot of good people in my life—near and far…” She said with a small smile. “What about you?”

“Sometimes I feel lonely, but I know I’m not alone. But I have my days…” He agreed, “So why do you always remind Brendan to go home?” John always wondered why Jamison was always the last one out when they were in the studio.

“Before I learned everything from Brendan, he worked insane hours… still does at times but now he can spend more time with his family, since we’ve got this duo, team, or whatever you want to call it going on…” She chuckled realizing how jumbled her words may have sounded, “It’s nice that he has family—he should be able to spend time with them. In this line of work, you know how hard that is. That’s why I always remind him to go home.”

“What about your family?” He asked curiously, he seemed to be on a roll with his questions. He felt she was being less distant as the questions kept coming.

“Only child. My parents live in the countryside in somewhere in the middle of nowhere Korea but they travel a lot together—they’re big on hiking so they do that in places all around the world. They are quite the team. But I lived with Matt since I was 16.” She explained, “What about your family?”

“I have that nice family people talk about… I have two younger brothers.” John chuckled at his own choice of words causing Jamison to chuckle with him.

“You’re the oldest?” She asked, looking a bit surprised.

“I am.” He said proudly while sitting up a bit straighter as he answered.

“I’m just imagining you instilling things into your younger brothers… it’s kind of funny.” She laughed as John watched her get lost in her own imagination.

“I am a great older brother. Thank you very much.” He stuck his tongue out childishly.

“I’m sure.” Her voice monotone while she kept a straight face looking completely unconvinced at his statement.

“I am!” He disputed in a childlike tone and chuckling at the fact her expression hadn’t changed.

“I believe you.” She shook her head, her voice staying completely monotone causing John to chuckle some more.

“Your face says otherwise.” He pointed to her face as he cocked an eyebrow at her playfully.

“This is just how my face looks.” She said with a straight face before bursting into a fit of laughter.

“You’re—“ John was at a loss for words.

“I’m a fantastic human being… that’s what you were going to say, right?” She said jokingly, causing John to laugh.

“Right. Exactly what I was going to say…” He said sarcastically rolling his eyes. He rubbed his eyes something he seemed to be doing often out of habit whenever his thoughts rushed through his brain in waves.

“You alright? You seem a bit… not completely here lately. Is it the writer’s block thing?” Jamison asked seeming genuinely concerned.

“I just feel exhausted—emotionally, mentally, even a bit physically. I feel like a bit of an open wound right now, a bit raw and fresh… and it’s been hard cause I don’t know how to deal with this feeling. It hasn’t hit me super hard and made an impact. It’s kind of like a silent lull this time around.” He admitted slowly letting down his walls, something he wasn’t used to doing to someone that wasn’t a close friend of his that he had known for years.

“How do you think you got to this point? Tour? Time? Just life in general?” She asked the tables were turning as she began asking the questions.

“I think it’s a mix of everything. I’m 24… that means next year I’m 25. That’s the midpoint to 50… how crazy is that?” He chuckled, sipping his beer. “My brothers aren’t the tiny knuckleheads that I remember anymore. They’re men. They grew up while I was off touring. It’s weird thinking how much time has changed things yet it hasn’t. Like tour feels like suspended animation and life around me is just keeps going around. I get sad missing certain things cause of tour but this is the life I chose and in a sense, this life also chose me. I am nothing but grateful but there’s those small things that make me ache a bit.”

“Our responsibilities and obligations grow with us…”

“They do and it stinks at times but for the most part, life has been kind to me.” John sipped his beer again like it was a small security blanket as he was opening up. “I just want to be a kid again sometimes… I seemed to have a simpler mindset then. If I was hurt or didn’t feel good, I would go to my mom and she would make it all better with a hug or kiss. Now I get too deep into my thoughts, try and drink away my thoughts and feelings, act out rambunctiously, or something along those lines.” He chuckled.

“This sounds like the inspiration behind “Love & Drugs” or something…” Jamison said jokingly, causing John to laugh.

“I’ve had my less than proud of myself moments… quite a few times.” John said, looking at his beer bottle like it was the most interesting thing in the word.

“Not judging you.” She said causing John to look up at her, her voice seemed so honest as she had said those words.

“How did you act out as a kid vs. how you act out now?”

“Now? I just wallow for a few days in my sadness and move on…” She said with a weak smile, “When I was younger, I was a bit more… dramatic for a better lack of term. I got really sick at one point cause of it.”

“What happened?” He asked, not even thinking if he was being intrusive or not.

“I tried to kill myself…” She answered in an almost nonchalant manner.

“Oh…” He said trying not to seem fazed by her words but he was left a bit speechless not expecting that answer to come out of her.

“I was just at a real bad time in my life… and music was the thing that just was always there. It gave me hope to live, it still does.” She said, with a small smile.

“What happened?”

“Kids are mean… people are mean.” She said letting out a nervous laugh, “At like 15, I honestly wasn’t bullied real bad or anything but like school wasn’t for me, I was failing. Honestly, I didn’t even graduate high school. Teachers told me I wouldn’t become anything, I didn’t really have friends and the friends I supposedly had only kept me around to use me and I let that happen cause it was the closest thing to a friendship I had, my parents didn’t get it and our relationship became so strained, and… at some point, I just felt so empty and alone. I really just wanted to disappear. So I took some pills but ended up throwing them up. I was sad that I couldn’t even kill myself right.” She let out another nervous laugh as John listened with his undivided attention. “Matt kind of picked up on my mood and asked what was wrong… I just broke down in front of him. We talked about it. The next day he kind of acted like nothing happened and began teaching me everything he knew. After a year, he just gave me the task to help with the Panic album—started giving me a bunch of responsibilities and paying me. My parents still never got what I was doing and it got to the point where we just had to be apart from each other. Matt took me in and it’s been what it is now since then… Matt introduced me to everyone, gave me opportunities to do things which lead me to do other stuff, met Brendan, Neal, Butch, and learned things from them. I think it was Matt’s way of showing me I mattered in this world. I honestly consider those guys to be my family. I’m not on bad terms or anything like that with my parents anymore but I don’t think they’ll ever get it—get this life; maybe it’s a cultural thing, a perspective thing, but they’re still waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

“You’re obviously proving to everyone that’s not happening anytime soon.” John said, giving her a small smile as he looked at her in awe. Something about her story seem to hit a chord with him. Despite the hardships Jamison had gone through, it hadn’t made her bitter or hardened her heart, which made John see Jamison in a new light.

“You never know what might happen tomorrow but… I hope and am trying to make sure this isn’t stopping anytime soon. I would literally be homeless if I wasn’t doing this.” She laughed; even the thought of doing anything else seemed so off to Jamison.

“I probably would too.” John laughed along with her. He couldn’t imagine doing anything else with his life.

“By the way, I have something for you.” Jamison said, picking up a notebook that was on the patio table and handed it to John.

John looked at the notebook curiously and opened it to see questions on every few pages—he had realized Jamison had made him a notebook like she had for Ryan when he was going through his writer’s block.

“This is—thank you.” He said feeling speechless while staring at the notebook in disbelief, truly touched by her gesture.

“I think language; speaking, writing, whatever it maybe is like magic. Every sentence we say is like a magic spell- language is the closet thing we have to magic. The way I say something can determine a lot, like if I ask you to give me a cup of coffee… it’s like a magic spell in a sense. You give because I asked…” She explained, “Your form of language is your words and music- that is your magic…”

“I never thought of it like that…” He chuckled looking at Jamison with a smile.

“Despite having a lot of scars from the past. I like to believe that the good memories I create now and in the future can be used like band aids on my scars from the past and whatever is to come.” She gave him an optimistic smile. “Maybe this whole process—the album… can help that open wound of yours. Maybe it can be a band aid.”