The Sun and the Moon

The day I forgot how to speak was also the day I forgot how to live. It was as if all the color in my world just drained away. I could remember how all those words tasted in my mouth but my lips refused to form them. After a while, I just stopped trying.

When I first met Rowen, he shined so brilliantly that for a moment, my world of grays and blacks was bathed in a glorious hue of golds and white. My first real taste of life. I became fascniated with how easily his smile surfaced, how those words tumbled from his mouth so effortlessly. With his golden hair and blue green eyes that reflected all of those emotions he could so readily share were the complete polar opposite of my own gloomy appearence. If he was day, I was night. He was the light and I the shadows. He was in a completely different world from mine, but for the first time, I wanted to change it. I think its fair to say that Rowen Bishops made me want to live again.

"Hey could you pass me the ball?" The voice interrupted my thoughts and somehow made its way past the Beteehovens Moonlight Sonata blasting in my ear. Turning my head I caught a glimpse of shaggy golden hair and a mischevious smile. Averting my eyes, I quickly picked up the soccer ball that had just recently rolled my way and tossed it back to the expectant players. Golden haired boy smiled again but I was already turning away and plugging my earphones back in. Even then I could easily reconize the distance between our worlds. Rowen was a sun and I was the moon. Both could never share the same sky.

"So what are you listening to?" A voice prompted after I had only traveled a few paces from the school. Out of the corner of my eye I could see him tilting his head down trying to coax me to look at him. As the epitome of popularity, Rowen didn't seem to understand how far apart our worlds were, or how far at the bottom of society I was. Thinking that if I told him he would leave me alone I quickly flashed him the screen of my ipod. Then watched his face transform into another radiant smile which he seemed to have an endless supply of.

"I see you're a fan of the classics. I'm more of a rock fan myself." Looking at him more closely, I noted the metal peircing in his ear and the untidy way he wore his uniform. It was strange how I only recently noticed his personal attire when I'd been in school with him for two years now. I suppose I was more interested in the way he could smile with his eyes, something I've tried and failed at, and the way he could so easily communicate with other people.

"The name's Rowen by the way." He said taking my silence as uncertainty and lack of familarity. He didn't know me well enough to know of my coldness or my inability to speak. I only nodded but still refused to look at him hoping that if I was cold enough, he would turn away and leave me be, but I guess the sun doesn't get cold very easily. After a moment's silence he asked me for my name.
Reaching for the tiny notepad I always carry with me in my bag, I pointed to the name printed on the front cover.

"Alina." He said, "I like it." And then he smiled at me with that openlipped smile full of warmth and acceptance. Just like that I wanted to be in his world. I wanted to share that light and be reminded what it felt like to be loved. The words were there, I could feel them rolling around in my mouth like marbles but it was as if my tongue began to tie itself into knots and I couldn't force them past my lips and out in the air. I couldn't tell him that I wanted to know him better. I couldn't say anything. It was like that day all over again.

"Alina, honey, we would just like to know what happend. Its okay, you can be honest, you're not in trouble. No ones going to hurt you." My small skinny arms slowly hugged my teddy bear closer shrinking away from all of the strangers standing in my living room. The one asking the questions, a man with a receding hairline and bad body odor set a mug of hot chocolate in front of me as if a mug of warm chocolate would coax me out of my shell.

I wanted to tell them everything but everytime I tried all I could see was the blood and the fear would come and sweep me back under like a tidal wave dragging me out to sea. The words got stuck in my throat and eventually, they gave up questioning me and I gave up trying to speak.

"Alina?" I snapped my gaze to him at the start of my name and looked at him questioningly.

"where'd you go? you left for a moment there." He asked peering at me curiously as we stopped at a crosswalk. I only shook my head but reached anyway for my notepad and pen and wrote 'Are you planning on following me all the way home?'

Looking a little suprised, Rowen said a little sheepishly "Well I guess since I came all this way I might as well walk you home."

I flashed him a new message written on my notepad. 'why?'

"Well, I think you're interesting and I want to know more about you." He said and his smiling eyes met mine and didn't even flinch away from the coldness that frosted them over. Just like that he said what I had been wanting to say for a long time.

'what's so interesting about me?' I wrote quickly showing him my question.

As we walked across the street and into my neighborhood Rowens face took on this thoughtful look causing his lips to turn down and a serious light to turn on in his eyes. It was a look I had never seen on Rowen. "Well, how should I put this...you had this sad aura surrounding you, like you had something you wanted to say but no one to say it to. That and you have the most peculiar facial expressions. The first time I saw you, you had this drawn resigned face as if you expected something bad to happen and were prepared to face it but then I saw you had this face everyday. It was as if you had to have a serious resolution to live. I guess I've been wanting to approach you for a while now. The soccer ball was just an excuse." A light pink slowly appeared on his cheeks and he suddenly couldn't meet my eyes.

I had never heard myself described that way and suddenly, I was shy too. 'I always wanted to approach Rowen too. I wanted to learn how you smile so easily' I wrote. I was about to tear it out and throw it away but Rowen was already reading it, a small smile curving his lips.

"I can help you with that." He said just as we stopped infront of my house. "Well, guess I'll see you tomorrow." Rowen stood there with his hands in his pockets and rocked back and forth on his heels with a shy little smile on his face and I was once again struck by his strange nature. I had never seen the akward and shy side of Rowen. Somehow, that little thought was enough to warm my insides and my lips twitched ever so slightly, the beginnings of a very small smile. I watched him walk back down the driveway before turning my back and heading inside.

Over the next few weeks, Rowen and I became closer. I was amazed by how quickly he became a constant in my life. In the mornings he was there waiting for me by the school entrance, and in the evenings he dutifully walked me home even though I never asked him to. I think somehow he understood that I hated walking home alone. I learned alot about Rowen too, like how he double knotted his shoelaces and how he had a whole dictionary full of smiles depending on the mood and situation. I discovered more serious facts about him as well, like how when he was ten his parents got a divorce and he now lives with his mom who works at a department store downtown and his dad moved away to some big city with a lady who reeks of expensive perfume. We never talked about my family life though, when ever he'd ask, I'd shut down and slam up every barrier I had so that eventually, he stopped asking. I knew he wanted to though, by the way he'd give me sideways glances and tap his fingers on the table anxiously. I wanted to tell him, but the words would stick again, even my hand refused to write them down on my notepad. I suppose even my body knew that with a story like mine, it was meant to be spoken aloud before written. There were a few things he did know about my family though, he knew I lived with my aunt and uncle and that I have a grandma who lives somehwere in Detroit. I knew though that that little bit of information wasn't enough to satisfy him, but he was waiting patiently for me to tell him. Rowen was like that.

"So I've been curious about this for a while, but why is it you can't speak?" Rowen asked one day during lunch. He had no way of knowing that my inability to speak was closely related to family matters so he didn't know to skirt the issue. Immediately, the barriers were up and I was back in my shell. I decided a simple shrug would suffice so when a look of frustration crossed Rowen's face, I was completely unprepared for it. I had never seen that look before on him.

"You know everything about me but you can't even speak about yourself. Do you not trust me at all?" There was a cold fury in his eyes that day, but also a sad tenderness that suprised me. I quickly averted my eyes so that I wouldn't see and I heard him angrily slam his chair back.
"Fine, just push everyone away, tell me how that works out for you." Rowen snapped storming out of the room. I was so hollow before I met Rowen so when the tears threatened to spill down my cheeks, I was bewildered by them.

Over the next few days he avoided me in the hallways and refused to make eye contact with me. To say it hurt was an understatement. He was the first person I had made a personal connection to ever since the accident. He was the first person I wanted to reach out to. When he severed ties, it was as if my ambilical cord to life had been cut and all the light dissappeared right along with him.
Deciding it was best to just forget him, I forced away those harsh feelings of abandonment and betrayal, after all, I was the one who pushed him away. If I caught my eyes straying to him in class I'd bite my lip and force myself to look away. If I passed him in the hallways, I refused to let those tears fall from my eyes. If it hadn't been for Marie, I don't know how long we would have continued to avoid each other. Our pride preventing us from apologizing or taking the initiative to reawaken our friendship.

Marie was everyone's idol. She was the role model of the school. The person every female wanted to be and every male wanted to date with her model thin body and long flowing blonde hair. She was beautiful and unfortunately, she knew it. She had watched with rising irritation as Rowen and I grew closer but couldn't make a move until recently, when Rowen started avoiding me. Now that we were no longer on speaking terms, Marie thought it the perfect time to exact her authority and put me in my place. Her idea of putting me in my place? shoving me in a broom closet.

I didn't know what was happening until I was triping over mop buckets and had a bundle of brooms fall on my face. I watched as the light from the hallway faded and with it, Marie's delighted twisted smile. Shoving my way through piles of disorderd chaos, I tried the door knob but the door refused to budge giving light to my worst fear. I pounded on the door in the hopes that someone would hear me and open the door but the halls were deserted. I wanted to scream but my voice, like always, wouldn't work. Then I was curling in on myself my hands pressing against my ears, and my mind taking me somewhere else, somewhere I didn't want to be.

"Alina, baby, you stay there. Don't make a single sound and don't come out for anything you hear me?" My mother said, her voice shaking as she smoothed back my hair and quickly shut the closet door trapping me in darkness and fear.

Looking through the cracks, I could see my mother turn and rush to the door. I think she wanted to check and see if daddy was alright. She never made it though. Before she could even reach the door handle he was on her stabbing her again and again with a knife. I covered my ears with my hands to block out her screams. Blood was everywhere. It was soaking on the rug, falling in between the cracks of the hardwood flooring,and pooling underneath the crack of the closet creeping its way towards my small barefeet. I couldn't move. If I moved he'd hear me, he'd come after me just like he did mommy. I didn't move, even as the blood pooled around me feet and I felt the sickly warm substance of my mothers life draining away touch the soles of my feet. I don't even remember watching the man leave. I don't remember how long I sat in a puddle of my mothers blood, to afraid to move before the police showed up. I think it was two days. When they asked me to talk I couldn't. Mama told me not to make a sound. So I wouldn't. For ten years, I wouldn't.

Darnkness was pressing on all sides and I could smell it all around me. The stench of blood clogging my nose and throat almost making it impossible to breathe. I was falling in an endless sea of blood. I couldn't see or hear anything other than the red, stuck in a nightmare with nothing to hold on to or grab. Hands were suddenly shaking my shoulders and removing my hands from my ears but I couldn't focus on anything. I was to far gone in my nightmare. someone was picking me off the floor and cradling me in their arms and the sound of that quick panicked heartbeat began to thrum in my ear steadily growing louder and louder as the real world came into focus. I could hear the ring of concerned voices around me now and my sharp wild intakes of breath.

"Whats wrong with her?" I could hear someones voice, so familiar it was heart breaking cry out with confused panic as I was laid out on a cold hard table.

"She's going into shock." Was the last thing I heard before I fully lost conciousness.

It was dark again. I was all alone in the dark. I'd take a few steps but with every step I took, it somehow just got darker so I stopped moving. I tried to call out but my voice wouldn't work. The words got stuck again. I was reaching out my hand, i'm not sure why I did it, there was nothing to even reach for in the dark pit I was in, but incredibly, I felt a warmth enfold it and grip it tightly. Suddenly, I had something to hold on to. With a tremendous effort, I forced my eyes open and looked directly into the beautiful blue green eyes of Rowen Bishops who gripped my hand tight enough to let me know he'd never let it go.

"Alina? I'm so glad you're okay. I've never been so scared in my life, you were so pale I...I didn't know what to do." He said putting his head in his hands. Reaching over the side of the hospital bed I gently removed his hands revealing his teary eyes and touched his face with my fingertips. Taking my small hands in his larger, rougher ones, he kissed my palms and somehow made all of those empty holes in my heart dissappear.

I wanted to tell him how I felt. I didn't want to write it, I wanted to tell him how much he meant to me. How much I didn't want to lose him. This time when the words refused to come I fought it until they were just at the edge of my lips ready to spill out into the light and the air. His name was the first thing I said in ten years. "R-Row....en." His shock was quickly overtaken by his kilowatt smile. "I Love...you." I forced out, each word weighing less than the previous. Rowen was smiling a new smile from his dictionary of smiles. It was one so tender and soft it melted all of the ice around my heart just looking at it. "Don't you know I know that you silly girl? I loved you from the very first time I saw you." And then his hands were cupping my face and he was kissing me. It was the first time I had ever been kissed by anyone and it was as if he was pouring all of his light and life into my soul and filling all of those empty hallow places in my heart. At that moment I was sure, all of those years I let the past beat me down, I was only running away. Now with Rowens warmth and love spreading through my body, I finally knew what it was like to live. I could share Rowens light and I, the moon, could coexist in the same sky with something as brillant and as radiant as the sun. "Rowen...I'm ready to tell you everything."