Baby, You Save Me

“Where should we start?” Kevin asked.

I shrugged, “Dude we’ve all had writer’s block. I have no clue where to start.” We all turned to look at AJ.

She sighed, “Ok well the best thing to do is to write what you know and what you’re feeling.”

“What are you feeling?” I asked her. I thought the question might shake up her unusually calm façade that she always had on, but it didn’t. The only sign that she gave away that she was surprised was a slight furrow in her eyebrows and a widening of her eyes.

“Umm I don’t know,” she almost stuttered. I know I probably shouldn’t pry into her life, but I couldn’t help myself at the moment.

“What about that guy that texted you last night?” I pressed. “Want to write about that?”

“Not really,” she said shortly as she crossed her arms and stared at me. She raised an eyebrow. “These songs are for you guys, not me.

So if we are going to write about any relationship why don’t we write about your oh so perfect relationship with Camilla. There’s never enough love songs in the world,” she said sarcastically. I could see the spark in her eyes.

I paused. I don’t know how she knew that Camilla and I were having problems but somehow she did. That hit a nerve. I could feel my anger building up. “At least ours is a monogamous love song.” I know that was a low blow but now I was mad.

“That was below the belt,” she stated slowly in a deadly quiet voice.

“Nick, Kevin, will you please excuse us? I need kick your brother’s ass.” She looked at them and then turned back to me, eyes blazing. Shit. She was mad. Kevin and Nick looked at me and shook their heads in disapproval.

“We’ll leave you two to sort this out. AJ, please don’t hurt him too bad. We kind of need him in the band,” Kevin winked at AJ. They turned at walked slowly upstairs with small glances back at AJ and I.

“What the fuck was that?!” She yelled at me the minute Nick and Kevin were gone.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized. “That was a low blow. I shouldn’t have said anything about that guy, especially in front of Nick and Kevin.”

“Why did you?” I could see the anger flash in her eyes. “I know that my relationship with Caleb is not something that you approve of, but you don’t KNOW me. You have no right to judge my relationships when you know nothing about them.”

“I’m sorry AJ. I really am,” I walked toward and wrapped my arms around her, something I had been wanting to do all day. I just wanted to hold her. I’m telling myself that it’s only because Camilla has been gone for almost two weeks. I’m just feeling lonely and I want someone to hold. I could feel AJ resist my hug before finally giving in. She wrapped her arms around me and I breathed in her smell as I rested my chin on her head. The girl was almost a foot smaller than I was!

“It’s ok. Just don’t judge me on my past, Joe. You have no right when you don’t know me. I’ve done a lot of things in my life that you wouldn’t agree with. And I’m over being judged for them,” she pulled herself out of my arms and looked up at me with crossed arms. “I’m not open about it, but sometimes things slip out and if you are going to judge me for every little thing then you might as well get out of my life right now.”

I shook my head. “NO,” I said a little too forcefully. “I’m sorry. It just surprised me. I promise I will never judge you again. Everyone deserves a second chance in life. And if you tell me everything I promise I will never think of you any differently.” I don’t want this girl out of my life. I haven’t known her that long, but I already couldn’t imagine how boring my life would be without this fiery little redhead in it.

“I’m never going to tell you everything. I can’t tell anyone everything. But how about this, I’ll write about something personal if you write about your problems with your girlfriend,” she suggested.

“Deal.”
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What the hell was I thinking?? Why did I just offer to write a personal song for Joe? I mean yes, I was going to write a song about everything anyway, but I don’t know why I feel so comfortable sharing it with him. I’ve never had this before. I feel like I can talk to him about anything. But I can’t. No one can ever know everything. I was beginning to feel dark thoughts creeping into my mind. Instead of thinking about them, I focused on Caleb and all thoughts about him. It was too difficult to write about my past still, but I could write about him. Yes he hurt me, but I was already broken to begin with so it’s not like he could do that much more damage.

The thing about Caleb was that we were only together on his terms. We only hung out when it was convenient for him. That should have been a red flag, but I couldn’t help it. I was into the guy before I even realized what had happened. I kept falling for it, but finally I was done when I saw him with her one night. He only wanted me when he was lonely, sad, or drunk. I sat quietly in a corner of the studio on a couch with a guitar. I quickly scribbled lyrics down onto a piece of paper. It’s easy to write about boys. Boys don’t hurt as much as the past.

“AJ?” Joe called out from the other side of the room.

“Yeah?” I looked up from my new song.

“Can you write one song about your past?” He had an innocent look of curiosity on his face. “I know it’s hard for whatever reason, but please?”

I sighed, “We’ll see. I can’t make any promises. I don’t like thinking about all that.”

“I know. And I don’t want to push you, but I want to show that I really won’t judge you.”

I simply nodded in response. I didn’t know what to say to that. How do I write about all the things that I can’t say? I can’t. I’ll never tell anyone about the things that I saw or what I did. Why should I have to? If people care about me then they won’t force me to tell them. Within another hour, I had a song that I was decently surprised by. It was more of a denial of my past then telling what happened, but either way it was a neat song.

“Ready?” I asked Joe. I was nervous about sharing my songs. It’s always a little freaky to share a song for the first time. You’re baring your soul, which is never easy.

“Yeah,” He walked over and sat across from me on the couch. “You want to go first?” I shook my head no, and he gave me a soft smile.

“Fine,” He stuck his tongue out at me. “No judging though. I’m not as talented a writer as you are. I’m calling this one ‘Do I’.” He started playing soft chords.

Baby what are we becoming?
It feels just like we’re always running
Rolling through the motions everyday
I could lean in to hold you
Or act like I don’t even know you
Seems like you could care less either way
What happened to that girl I used to know?
I just want us back to the way we were before

Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you baby?
Does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy?
Do I have your love?
Am I still enough?
Tell me don’t I?
Or tell me do I, baby, give you everything that you ever wanted?
Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely?
Do I just need to get up and get on with my life?
Baby, do I?

Remember when we didn’t have nothing,
But a perfect simple kind of loving?
Baby, those sure were the days
There was a time our love ran wild and free
Now I’m second guessing everything I see

Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you baby?
Does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy?
Do I have your love?
Am I still enough?
Tell me don’t I?
Or tell me do I, baby, give you everything that you ever wanted?
Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely?
Do I just need to get up and get on with my life?
Baby, do I?

Still give you what you need?
Still take your breath away?
Light up a spark way down deep?
Baby, do I?

Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you baby?
Does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy?
Do I have your love?
Am I still enough?
Tell me don’t I?
Or tell me do I, baby, give you everything that you ever wanted?
Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely?
Do I just need to get up and get on with my life?
Tell me baby, do I get one more try?
Do I?
Baby, do I?

“Holy shit, Joe,” I sat there, stunned. I didn’t know the boy could do deep lyrics like that. “That was really good.”

“Thanks,” He ran his fingers though his hair. “I have no idea what’s been going on between Camilla and I lately. Things have been off.”

“So I gathered,” I replied sarcastically. “I don’t know what to tell you. I’m not good with the relationship advice. Talk to her though. Find out what’s wrong. Other than that it’s up to you.”

“Yeah, she’s just been in New York for a while. She gets back in a few days though. I guess I’ll talk to her then. I wrote another song too. Can I play it for you after you play one of yours?”

“Sure,” I smiled. I wish I had the confidence to just share any song that I wrote. “Which one do you want to hear first?” I asked him nervously.

He gave me a look. “Which one do you think?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

I pursed my lips. Of course he would want to hear about my past first. The boy had no patience what so ever. I rolled my eyes, but I started playing the song anyway.

I'll never tell you what I saw
Or how it made me breathe.
I'll never repeat what I heard
How long it took me to leave.
I'll never tell you what I saw
Or how it made my smile freeze
Cause this world is a whirlwind, but I'm holding that trapeze
And I'll never tell you what I saw

I'll never tell you who I loved
Or how they made me free
I'll never tell you how I slept
Back when I was 15
I thought that I could just forget
The bricks that have built me
But this world is a whirlwind and I'm holding that trapeze
And I'll never tell you who I loved

But if I could tell you one thing
I would tell you I'm not leaving
If I could show you one thing
All my mistakes have shaped me
Into who I am
And who I am just wants to make you home

I'll never tell you why I drive
Into the night and back again
I hardly speak of my hometown
My little hands in the cement
I'll never tell you what I saw, close the door, swallow the key
But this world is a whirlwind and I'm holding that trapeze
Yeah this world keeps on turning, love is carried in a sling
Yeah this world is a whirlwind and I'm holding that trapeze.
So I'll never tell you what I saw

I held my breath as I finished. I hope the comment about me making him home wasn’t too far. I kind of just slipped it in, but it went with the song so I kind of just figured I would see what happened.

“Good Lord. How do you write stuff like that? That’s amazing. Although I wish you would tell me about that stuff,” he laughed nervously. Probably trying to guess what my reaction would be after continuously trying to pry into my past. By now he knows that I have a tendency to have a short temper.

“Maybe someday,” I muttered quietly. I couldn’t look him directly in the eyes. I know if I do then I’ll cave. And I can’t risk it. Not after he had so recently judged me about Caleb. It was a hard position that I’m in. Everything about Joe made me want to talk to him, but my brain knew better. I couldn’t tell him. Other than the judging thing, it was just too much for one person to know. I would feel terrible dumping my poor sob story on someone. Besides they treat you differently with the more they know. I don’t want to be pitied. I survived, and there are people who have worse than I do. “You’re turn to play.”

Joe moved to the piano, took a deep breath, and began to play.

“Girl when I look at you,
You look through me,
Like I’m not even there,
I try not to give up,
To be strong but,
I’m afraid to say I’m scared,
I can’t find the place your heart is hiding
I’m not quitter but I’m tired of fighting

Baby I love you,
Don’t want to lose you,
Don’t make me let you go,
Took such a long time,
For me to find you,
Don’t make me let you go,
Baby, I’m begging please
And I’m down here on my knees,
I don’t want to have to set you free
Don’t make me

What if when I’m long gone
It dawns on you
You might just want me back
Let me make myself clear
If I leave here
It’s done, I’m gone, that’s that
You carry my love around
Like it’s a heavy burden
Well I’m about to take it back
Are you sure it’s worth it?

Baby I love you
Don’t want to lose you,
Don’t make me let you go
Took such a long time
For me to find you
Don’t make me let you go
Baby I’m begging please
And I’m down here on my knees
I don’t want to have to set you free
Don’t make me
Don’t make me

Don’t make me

Baby, I’m begging please
And I’m down here on my knees
I don’t want to have to set you free
Don’t make me

Baby I love you
Don’t want to lose you
Don’t make me let you go

Don’t make me
Stop loving you

Don’t make me
Stop needing you”

I am continuously in awe of this man. He writes these amazingly deep lyrics, and yet thinks that I am the talented one? No. This boy has a gift. I’m just happy that he is able to share it with the world.

“Think your label will let you use either of those?” I asked.

“Probably not,” Joe pursed his lips. “What’s your other song?”

I sighed and pulled the guitar back onto my lap. “This one is called ‘When You’re Lonely’.

“I almost didn't answer
When I saw your number
Don't you know its 2:18 in the middle of the night
Did you fight with your girlfriend,
Could you not sleep,
Did a strong shot of whiskey leave you feeling weak?

You only want me when you're lonely
You only call me when you're down
You only want me when you're lonely,
But you can't have me now

I don't know what you expected
Did you think I'd let you,
Somehow get the best of me, with some pretty little lies?
I've made that mistake, I've let you crawl back in,
Now I don't have the heart to fall for you again

You only want me when you're lonely
You only call me when you're down
You only want me when you're lonely,
But you can't have me now

Don't tell me you love me
Don't say all the right things
You're having one of those nights, and I know what that means
So, you want me right now
But nothings really changed, you're just by yourself
And its late, too late

You only want me when you're lonely
You only call me when you're down
You only want me when you're lonely,
But you can't have me now

You only want me when you're lonely,
But you can't have me now

You only want me when you're lonely,
But you can't have me now

You only want me when you're lonely,
But you can't have me now”

“We should write another duet and perform it at our next concert.” Joe stated it so matter of factly that I almost agreed. Almost.

“No…” I laughed awkwardly. “I can sing in front of like 100 people at a party when I’m shitfaced, but there’s no way in hell that I can sing in front of an entire stadium of people.”

“Why not?” Joe furrowed his brow. “You have an amazing voice. You have to share it with the world.”

“Because people will start to wonder who that girl was that sang with you. And I don’t want people prying into my life too much. I told you before, there’s a lot that I want to be just left in the past,” I bit my lip and looked down and my hands. “I’m sorry, but I just get the feeling that it’s not a good idea at all.”

“AJ, I’m just saying we should do one song at one concert. Not a whole tour. I’ll just say the truth, that you’re an amazing writer and a friend of mine with an incredible voice. Then you can leave the stage and go back to your horses,” Joe raised his eyebrows with a smile on his face which suddenly became very mischievous. My eyebrows furrowed together. That smile is never a good thing. Next thing I knew, Joe was sitting on my lap, giving me his best puppy-dog face with folded hands. DAMMIT. I can’t resist that angel face of his! That’s a cheap shot.

Joe watched my shoulders sink as I realized that I was going to cave to his ridiculous request and he smiled a beautiful, breathtaking, joy filled smile. Holy hell, I would agree to anything he asked if it got him to smile at me like that again.

“Fine, but if we are going to do a duet then I want it to be a fun one about happy stuff. Deal?” I sighed as I admitted my defeat.

“Yay! AJ, you won’t regret this. I promise! And of course we can do a happy one. I’m always happy when I’m with you. Now, let’s start brainstorming,” Joe continued to talk but I had stopped listening. I made him happy? Cue happy inner dance time!

“You know what I’ve always wanted to write about?” Joe’s voice interrupted my thoughts. “How the fans make me feel when I’m on stage performing.”

“I’ve thought about that too. Even when you are in the stands, the simple fact of being at a concert makes you believe that anything can happen. You know?” Joe nodded. “Let’s write about that. Why we like to sing and how the fans make you feel. It can kind of be a shout out to them. They will love it.”

Joe agreed and we immediately got to work. The idea was simple, but putting it into lyrics that we could sing to pre-teen girls was a little more complicated. We were only halfway finished when my phone buzzed.

“Oh shit! I need to go! I was supposed to be home like an hour ago. I have so much that I have to get done today. I’m sorry. I’ll talk to you later. Bye!”