Distance Disturbs Me

Alan,
I thought for sure that losing my mom would be the most painful thing I ever endured, but leaving you at the airport was a really close second. I've wanted to write this for the entire month and a half since I left, but I couldn't and I'm sorry for that. Things with my grandma, between foods and meds and countless machines, it's been a lot.

I miss you, Alan. Every little thing about you... I didn't realize before I left just how much of an impact you've made on me and my life. Without you, I wouldn't have made it through my mom's death and I know that for sure. You are my lifeline at this point.

For years, I tried my hardest to keep people away from me. The walls I built had been impenetrable to everyone, except you. Your stupid orange hair and your destroyed band shirts, your repulsive eating habits and tendency to sing as terribly as possible when a song you liked came on, your annoying habit of walking in squiggly lines and your nose ring that you cried like a little kid while getting and made me hold your stupid hand, all of that fucking broke me, Alan.

I let it though, and now I wouldn't want it any other way.

I was the kid without a best friend for eight years and then your idiot self showed up and now I'm stuck missing you like crazy. I don't want to be here, more than 2,100 miles away from the person I care most about in the world, but I know that my grandma needs me. She needs me, I need you. Even though I'm just some stupid, awkward kid, I hope you miss me at least half as much as I miss you.

People have walked in and out of my life but you, you're the exception. I didn't think you'd be. I thought you were annoyed by me when we first met and I couldn't have blamed you. After all, I was the weird kid who wanted to be a vet or a baseball player, for god's sakes. By some small miracle, you stuck around and now I don't want to try to count how many times I ended up on your doorstep, begging for a shoulder to cry on.

I was pathetic. I am still pathetic.

You put up with all of that though and there is no way I could ever put into words how much that means to me. I could never tell you just how much you mean to me.

Well, now that I'm this far into the girly, sappy shit, I might as well keep going with it. While I'm at this, I have a confession to make to you. I realize now that I should have told you all of this before I left. I don't want to drop this burden on you because I've already been one for so long, but I need you to know this.

You know how people always say that best friends are bound to fall in love? Well, usually it doesn't happen like this, but it did happen. At least for me it did. Enough rambling though; I need to cut to the point, stop wandering around the path of thoughts in my head at this exact moment and corner the one that carries upon its back the point of this stupid letter.

I know I'm so far away, but my heart is in Ohio with you for all of eternity. What I guess I'm trying to say is, Alan, it wasn't supposed to happen, but I fell in love with you. I don't know how you'll react to this and I wish for the millionth time that I would have told you before, in person. But I can't now.

I hope you can still call me your best friend and that I can call you mine. I will always need you and I hope, wish, and pray that after this, you'll still want me.

In hope and heartache,
Austin