Alone

I feel betrayed. Betrayed by mother nature and her ability to make the sky blue and the sun shine when my world feels dark and cold. I yanked the covers further over my face, wrapping myself up in a cocoon to protect myself from the world. My bed has become my safety net. In my bed I am by myself; there is no one there for me to upset when I give too much of myself up.

I thought back to the day I had gone too far, the day I had fought too hard. I never thought for a second my actions were wrong; I knew what I was fighting for and I knew what I was defending. My screams of feeling defeated were mistaken for anger. My frustration with not being understood making me seem as if I had lost my mind. I found myself begging and pleading for forgiveness when all I was guilty of was feeling hurt, not good enough, second best.

I remember laying in bed that night, the very bed I lay in now, my sobs uncontrollable, my muscles aching from being so tense, and my heart feeling as if it had no reason left to beat. In that moment I would have been just fine if my heart had decided to give out on me. I wanted nothing more than to go to sleep and never wake up. I spent that entire night crying at the loss. The loss of feeling secure, the loss of feeling understood, and the loss of feeling truly happy for the first time in my life.

I could feel the tears begin to slip down my cheeks yet again as I thought back on that awful night. I was surprised my body had any more tears to spare lately. My body feeling that same familiar ache it had grown accustomed to over the past few days. I felt alone, and I hated it. A chuckle passed through my lips as I thought about the irony of the situation. I had always craved alone time, the peace and quiet, but now that I have it I want nothing more than to here the sound of laughter, the sound of a soft voice, the sound of her. But I had lost that and I had no one to blame but myself.

I was never truly fond of the person I was. I wanted to please everyone else, and be the person they wanted. I had perfected the art of "faking the funk", and to everyone around me I was happy, everyone but her. She saw right through my facade and cracked a shell no other person had even attempted to crack before. It was easy for me to be open with her, it was easy to be myself, until that night, when I had shown too much of myself, too much of my insecurities and too many of my flaws. It's no surprise I pushed her away. How can I expect someone to love me, if I don't even love who I am?

So as I lay here wrapped in my makeshift cocoon, tears still rolling silently down my face, I knew this is where I was destined to be. Alone.