Disappointment

“it’s all the drugs,” he said. his face was pale from the moonlight that shone through the small rectangular window that was perched at the top of the wall of his cramped basement bedroom. a twin bed, a nightstand, a closet blocked by a mound of clothes, a few feet of floor. the room was too small for the smoke coming from his Marlboro, perched between his fingers on the hand that belonged to the arm that was wrapped around me, pulling me into his sweaty chest. he lifted the cigarette above my head to his mouth to take another hit. he was shaking. “all the drugs fucked me up. I can’t do it.”

I closed my eyes, wondered how it was possible I didn’t feel shy around him. the first person to ever see me fully naked. the first person, really, to touch me like he had. I never felt comfortable with my body, not even with my girl friends, or my even my older sister. barely even with myself.

I shift my legs out from under the ratty comforter because the room is hot. I don’t reply.

“I’m sorry, Nicky.”

“it’s fine,” I murmur, although it’s really not fine. although I’m pissed. let down. still a virgin. still don’t believe him - that it was the drugs. it had to have been my fault.