Basket Case

I dip the brush into the large glob of black paint and carefully stroke the bristles against the canvas. I hadn’t bothered prior to this moment to think of what I would paint. Its always the same thing. Not the same picture or style, of course, but the same person…every time. I usually focus on different features, like the lips or the nose, in order for the nurses not to suspect anything. I’m not allowed to paint him, because I’m in here to get better, not get worse. But this time, I do not care. I want to see his face.

“Jimmy, what is all of this?” I gasp as we enter the candlelit room. Rose petals lead a path towards the bed, also adorned with the red flowers and a platter of food and wine as soft music plays.

“Well, I couldn’t have my newly wedded wife staying at some cheap motel could I?”

“Jim, this…This is too much. It must have cost a fortune,” I say, glancing around the posh suite.

“Mmm, c’mon,” he slides his hands onto my hips as I lock my fingers behind his neck, “You’re worth it. Besides, we had a cheap wedding, so you deserve an expensive honeymoon.”

“I love you, J.”

“I love you, too, baby.”

I take the green and thickly paint two circles, allowing the vibrant emerald to drip down the disturbingly accurate portrait. I stare blankly at it as it dries slowly. Suddenly, I am overwhelmed by its realistic qualities. His big, beautiful eyes seem to meet my own and look into my soul as they always used to. I can almost hear him saying how sorry he is, and how I shouldn’t be suffering like I am.

His voice resonates as it gets closer.

I feel his breath as he whispers into my ear how much he loves me.

I close my eyes and allow myself to drown in the sound of his velvety tone. Goose bumps rise when the ghost of his touch drifts across my skin. It feels so real when his warm embrace captures me. So real, in fact, that I long to feel his lips upon my own.

However, I know better than that.

I gently drag my fingers down the jean-covered thighs straddling my lap, causing the body above mine to shiver as tears streak down my face. He keeps murmuring of his love for me until I choke out, “You’re not real.”

“Baby, of course I’m real.”

“You’re dead.”

“Miranda…I-I.”

“You left me. I love you so much and you’re gone.”

“I’m here, baby girl. You can feel me. Touch me more, I’m here…”

I listen to him and run my hands greedily along his chest and to his back. He’s right; he’s with me, in my arms. I begin to cry harder and I press my face into his cotton shirt, inhaling his scent. I’m so happy; I can hardly breathe, “Oh Jimmy—”

“I missed you, baby. I missed you so much,” his lips press against my ear and down my neck as his arms tighten around my shoulders, holding me closer. I am eager to see his eyes, those perfect gems that I dream about every night. I want to look upon my lover, the only man to ever make me feel any kind of compassion…

I quickly open my eyes to find the eerie painting of his precious face before me as all the warmth is ripped away like a blanket.

I am alone.

He is gone.

All that is left of him as my stupid painting.

Angrily, I grab the red paint and splatter it on the canvas, drenching it in vermillion.

“Wait, Miranda…” Jimmy shoots me a sad look, “You know I love you, right?

“Of course, honey, and you know I love you,” I grin at him before reaching forward to grip the door knob.

Hand in hand, Jimmy and I step into my mother’s home. Almost instantly, we are faced with the entirety of our families when they jump out to yell, “Surprise!”

“Miranda, how lovely you are!” My great-aunt Laura chimes, flitting over to us, “James, I hardly recognized you!”

He reaches out to shake her hand, as he begins to speak, “It’s so nice to see-”

He is cut off when she wraps her chubby arms around him, “We’ll have none of the formal business, James. You’re family now!”

Aunt Laura is only the first of many. We are immediately attacked by greetings.

“Miranda, you look so beautiful!”

“My my James, What a man you’ve grown into!”

“Such a wonderful couple!”

“When should we expect the stork to pay a visit?”

They continue to rave about it being our two year anniversary and how much we’ve seemed to change since we last saw them. Jimmy and I had quite literally disappeared a month or so after our wedding as Jimmy had begun touring with his band, so many of our relatives haven’t seen us since.

About three hours into it, Jimmy’s growing depression worries me. I lean over to whisper, “Are you all right? Do we need to go home?”

He looks at me with watery eyes before shaking his head and suddenly holding my face and pressing his lips to mine passionately. Due to our lack of privacy, I try to pull away, but after realizing that he is not going to let up, I give in. I hear hoots from people nearby.

He chokes into our kiss after a moment and once again, I attempt to detach myself from him to see what the matter is, but he only holds me tighter. My hand runs down his side and to his lower back until it hits something hard on his hip.

He instantly pulls away to give me a frightened look as tears stream down his face. He backs away before I am able to decipher what it is.

I watch as he climbs up onto the coffee table and calls for everyone’s attention. Questioning murmurs erupt. Once it is finally silent, he stutters, “Miranda…I am s-so sorry. I-I love you so much and I d-d-don’t want to do this. They told me if I didn’t, th-they’d hurt y-you, and I won’t let them.”

“James, come down. Just tell me what’s going on. We can fix it. Who is they?” I inquire frantically.

“I can’t tell you. I can’t tell you,” he sobs, “They’ve hurt my family b-before, but I won’t let them t-touch you. I have to do this. They told me I had to do this t-tonight...in f-front of you all if I wanted you to live,” we all watch in horror as he pulls out a gun.

So, that’s what it was...

I scream as he shakily lifts it to his head, “Jimmy, no! No! We can figure this out! Please! I love you, don’t do this!” I stand before him as he cocks the pistol.

He shakes his head, and whimpers, breaking my heart, “I’m so sorry, I love you so much.”

And with that, a sickening shot rings out and we both drop to the ground.

Except I’m the only one breathing.

Suddenly, the ring on my finger weighs a ton and I drop my paint-colored hands into my lap.

I am so mad at myself for not doing anything more to stop his act. I never found out who he was threatened by either and perhaps that is the greatest dishonor. At the thought of failing him as I did, I am filled with utter rage. I scramble to my feet and throw the first thing I can get my hands on at the window, shattering it, screaming as I do so.

I sink to the floor, sobbing. I hardly care as the shards of glass pierce my pale skin, I just helplessly watch as three pairs of white shoes scamper around me and how the bright blue carpeting becomes distant as I am lifted into a wheel chair.

“What happened?” Dr. Hollis asks as she enters the room. It doesn’t take her long to put the pieces together as her gaze sets on the canvas propped up in the middle of the room, “Oh dear,” she gasps under her breath, “C’mon Miranda, let’s get you out of here,” She walks around and takes control of the chair to roll me out of the room. As we leave she orders, “Someone please clean up this room and get that painting to Dr. Kidman’s office.”

I am crying silently as she wheels me down the hallway. We pass a room with a gated doorway and window spanning across almost the entire wall. Through it I see Jimmy’s dark haired head as he turns around quickly to lock his large eyes with mine. I gasp and twist my body towards him as he travels hastily along with Dr. Hollis and I. He looks shocked as his hands press against the silver metal separating us. I ignore Dr. Hollis’ questions as Jimmy and I stare at each other with mystified expressions. To my dismay, he reaches the end of the room and has to stop. His face is distraught as I get farther away.

I call out for him, groping at the air foolishly as he begins to fade.

“It’s all right, Miranda, it’ll all be over soon. We’ll get you to the clinic, okay? Just sit tight.”

“No! Go back! Go back! He’s there! He needs me!” I cry. She doesn’t respond as we cross the threshold of the clinic and out of the hallway. I face forward again, throw my head back and let teardrops rain down my face, “I need him…”

I am sitting quietly in the rocking chair, staring out the window overlooking the beautiful forest when I hear a rapping on the door.

“Come on in,” I allow.

The wooden door creaks open and footsteps pad over to me, “Hey, girl, how are you feeling?” my mother asks, resting a hand on my shoulder.

“Better, I suppose. My stomach ache is gone.”

“Well, Will is here to see you. He is waiting downstairs.”

“Will? Oh, bring him in!”

“I’ll go get him, baby girl.”

As I wait for one of my best friends to come to my room, I tug at a loose string on my woven pink sweater. I swing my slipper-covered feet in excitement.

“M?” his deep voice rings out.

"Will!” I turn violently to beam at him. I flap my overly long sleeves, signaling him to come to me. He laughs as he jogs over the wonky wooden flooring and kneels down in front of me to envelop me in his arms.

“Aren’t you happy as ever!” he smiles at me and I touch his cheek.

“I feel pretty good, I’d have to say,” I mirror his expression and then a thought pops into my head, “So you’re back from touring?”

He gives me a quizzical look and I don’t understand why. It is a pretty straightforward question.

“Uh…yeah...?”

“So where’s Jimmy?” At my words, his face drops and his eyes grow sad. Is Jimmy okay?

“He and Tunny are still in Kansas. I came to see you during a break in the schedule.”

“Not that I mind your company, Will, but why isn’t Jimmy with you?” I inquire.

He bites his lip and lets out a cough as if holding back tears, “He’s feeling sick.”

At Will’s awfully weird reaction, I begin to worry, “Is Jimmy cheating on me? I haven’t heard from him once since he left to tour after our anniversary. You can be honest with me.”

“No, M, he loves you to the ends of the earth,” Will collects himself to say, “He’s just been so busy. He asked me to tell you that he misses you and that he’ll be gone for awhile more,” as he speaks softly, he strokes the side of my head, “God, does he miss you…”

I grin contentedly. Will wouldn’t lie to me and I am relieved to know my husband is faithful to me. I entwine our hands, “Will you let James know that I love him and I’ll be waiting patiently for him? Tell him that I said I am so lucky to have a man like him.”

“Of course, M, I’ll make sure he knows,” I sigh and smile happily as he kisses our hands, “All right, I better catch my flight back to the guys,” he stands as I make a sound of protest, “I’ll be back soon enough and Tunny will come visit sometime next week, okay, Princess?”

“I can hardly wait!” I giggle cheerfully at the word of my other best friend dropping by and Will leans down to press his lips on the top of my head. I am surprised to feel drops of wetness against my hair before he pulls away.

“Bye, beautiful,” he whispers, steps out of the room and shuts the door behind him. I settle back into my seat and tuck my legs up to my chest with a goofy grin plastered on my face.

I hear another muffled voice outside the room, “Can I go in?”

If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that it is Tunny. But it can’t be. He is with Jimmy in Kansas.

“No, man…she’s…she’s…”

“She’s still in denial,” the unknown voice sounds melancholy.

“I’m sorry. I told her you’d come next week.”

I don’t understand what they mean. I’m in denial? Of what? And who else is visiting me next week besides Tunny?

I’m not able to determine their words as they move farther away.

But it doesn’t matter.

I close my eyes and let thoughts of my James dance around in my head.

Everything gradually darkens and I don’t pay any attention as I’m placed onto a bed. I stare blandly at the sign above the door nearby saying Main Clinic. It doesn’t hurt as they remove the glass from my cuts…it just tickles. Everything is subdued from its usual vibrancy. Pain is numbed, colors are drowned out…My heart’s steady beating seems to slow as I think about my life now, what I’ve become since my James left my side in such a horrific manner.

He is gone. He’s dead and I’m not getting him back.

It’s taken me almost three years to face up to it. Sure, I’d told my hallucinations that they were not real, but I always gave in to them, genuinely believing he was still alive. I never truly accepted his death.

But I think that at last, I have.

I know that I have finally reached my breaking point. I have been bending and twisting for too long now…and as I lock onto the sympathetic brown eyes of the nurse when she finishes dressing my wounds, I now understand how I must look to her…them…to everyone, for that matter.

Hopeless, broken and insane.

I always thought they'd locked me in here for all the wrong reasons...But lately, I've realized that this just might be exactly where I belong.