Silence
Chapter One: Scars, Tears and Regrets.
“You. You’re my biggest regret,” he looked me in the eyes as he spoke, “I never thought you were beautiful. I just felt bad for you. I’m tired of walking around, holding your hand, and getting stared at for being with you. I don’t want a girl with scars and cuts on her arms.”
“I’m so sorry…” is all I could choke out before he walked away. I sat there on the steps to my porch. How did this happen? Why did he lie to me? I thought. Why did I believe him? I stood up and walked inside. As I made my way to my bedroom, my little sister peeked out of her room. She was the reason. She was the reason I was still alive.
“Sissy, what’s wrong?” She came over as I bent down to talk to her, “Why are you crying?”
I quickly wiped my tears away, “Oh, it’s nothing. Don’t worry about it, sweetie.”
She quietly kissed my cheek and hugged me before she turned and went back in her room. I smiled and stood up and opened my door when I heard my mom shouting at my dad. Again. Another fight. How fucking wonderful.
I slammed my door and sat down on my bed. Now I was alone. Now I could cry by myself. I didn’t want to. I hate crying. I wiped my tears away again, and changed into my pajama shorts and tank top. I stood in front of my mirror. He was right. How could anyone ever love me? How could anyone think I was beautiful? I looked at my arms. I ran my fingers over my cuts. How did I even think for a minute he loved me? I wasn’t good enough for him. And I knew it. It hurt to realize the person who you truly loved and who you thought loved you back, was just lying to you the entire time. I stared at myself in the mirror. All the cuts and bruises and burns and scars. I took it all in, and realized how much I truly hated myself for it. Because of this, I lost the one I loved.
I closed my eyes. I couldn’t stand to see myself anymore. I walked back over to my desk and sat in the chair. Hidden underneath notebooks and various papers, I knew I had one. I knew I had a blade. I slowly opened the drawer and moved the notebooks. Sure enough, it was still there. I reached into the drawer and put it against my skin. I didn’t cut. I didn’t draw blood. I simply laid it there. I felt the cold metal on my warm skin. I got goose bumps, and felt a weak chill go down my spine. I closed my eyes again and picked the piece of metal back up. Just then, my little sister walked in. I jumped, but quickly picked up my blade and threw it back in the drawer and slammed it shut. Normally, she would knock. I looked over at her and saw tears streaming down her cheek.
“Paige, what’s wrong?” I knew exactly what was wrong.
“Mommy and Daddy won’t stop fighting, Katie.”
I grabbed her hand and walked her over to my bed. I patted the place next to me and told her to sit down. She hopped up and laid her head on my upper arm, since she was too short to lay her head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around her and rocked her.
“Can I sleep in here tonight? Please?”
“Of course you can. Do you need anything from your room? I’ll go get it for you.” I whispered. She listed things she wanted me to get and I kissed the top of her head before I got up and left. I grabbed her pillow and a pair of clothes for tomorrow morning. She didn’t ask me for clothes, but I thought it would be better for me to pick her clothes, that way she would actually wear matching clothes for once. I picked up her backpack and snuck back into my room, shutting the door behind me quietly this time. She was waiting right where I left her. I put her stuff down next to the bed and pulled out her homework.
“Shall we get started?” I asked her, smiling. She seemed to be the only one to be able to make me smile like this. A genuine smile. A real smile.
We finished her homework in record time, and I put her stuff up. She snuggled into my side as we lay down. I put my arm around her and she asked me to tell her a story. I told her of a little girl who was perfect. I told her of a beautiful girl with long curly brown hair that had pretty clothes and an older sister that loved her. When she asked me if I had ever met the girl, I told her it was about her.
“How come you didn’t say her older sister was beautiful?” she asked me quietly.
“Because the older sister thought the younger sister was the prettiest girl ever, and didn’t think she was,” I said gently.
“But, I think you’re beautiful, Katie,” she looked up at me and kissed my cheek, “I think you’re the prettiest girl ever.” And with that, she fell asleep. I couldn’t help but think about what she said. But, the good thing was, I could trust Paige. I loved her, and I knew I could trust her. For the first time in weeks, I fell asleep happy.
The next morning, I was awoken by Paige singing as she got dressed. I loved her voice. It was sweet. She had already cleaned up her homework mess and before I could sit up, she walked over and quietly asked me if I would fix her breakfast. I got up and told her that as soon as I got dressed, I would. She smiled and skipped out of the room and got her a glass of orange juice, leaving me to myself.
I was always judged for the clothes I wore and the music I listened to. I liked punk rock and metal, and thus, wore the black band shirts and jeans. I was always getting called things like “goth” and “emo”, but I didn’t really care anymore. I used to get offended, but now it was just a daily routine. Get to my locker, have someone come up to me asking if I had cut recently as a joke. I would walk to my lunch table and get called “emo” after everyone I passed. I hated walking past the people who didn’t actually say anything to me. I could hear their whispers. I could hear them talking about me and judging me. No one truly knew. No one but him.
Nathan was a tall, dark-haired guy that had talked to me for years. We had been best friends since seventh grade. I’m in tenth grade now, a sophomore. We talked more over the summer of ninth grade. We went from being friends to boyfriend and girlfriend. He was perfect. He didn’t have all the same interests as me, which I liked. I liked to listen to him rant about stuff on his mind, and he would do the same for me. He was my best friend. He was also the one that broke my heart.
I slightly shook my head. I wasn’t sure whether it was to wake myself up from the daydreams I had about him or just because I didn’t want to think about him. I remembered Paige waiting on me in the kitchen. Before I started to head downstairs, I decided to see whether or not my parents were awake. I stopped by their bedroom on the way to the stairs. The door was open, as usual. I slowly peeked inside. There they were, wrapped up in blankets together like nothing happened last night. Dad’s arms were wrapped around Mom as she snuggled up to his side. I longed for that love. I wanted to experience that. They fight, but they still truly loved each other. I wanted that.
I quietly shut their door and tiptoed downstairs. Paige was waiting at the table for me to make her breakfast.
“Pancakes sound good?” I smiled as I saw her eyes light up.
“Yes please!” She giggled.
I was still smiling as I pulled the pancake mix from the shelf. I quickly mixed the pancakes as she stood next to me watching. I was wearing my long-sleeved shirt, thankfully. I didn’t want her to know something was wrong with her big sister. I didn’t want her to think any less of me, like Nathan.
“Sissy, be careful!” I was quickly awoken from another daydream by Paige’s voice. I had knocked over a can of beer that had been opened and left on the counter last night. I cursed under my breath as I grabbed paper towels to clean it all up. I threw the can away and washed my hands. I didn’t have enough time to shower and I had spilled it on my clothes. I gave Paige her pancakes and poured her some milk. She thanked me and I went upstairs to change.
I hurried up the stairs to see if I could find any good clothes to wear because I had forgotten to do laundry the night before. I went to my dresser and found an A Day To Remember sweater. Perfect. I slipped it on after my tank top and put on my black Converse. I grabbed my backpack and tossed in onto my shoulder and went back downstairs to find Paige rinsing off her plate.
“Thank you, Paige. I really didn’t feel like doing too many dishes tonight,” I said. She smiled and quickly turned around and put her jacket on. We headed outside to catch the bus. I plugged my headphones into my iPod and turned on some blink-182. I could only hope that it would be a good day.
“I’m so sorry…” is all I could choke out before he walked away. I sat there on the steps to my porch. How did this happen? Why did he lie to me? I thought. Why did I believe him? I stood up and walked inside. As I made my way to my bedroom, my little sister peeked out of her room. She was the reason. She was the reason I was still alive.
“Sissy, what’s wrong?” She came over as I bent down to talk to her, “Why are you crying?”
I quickly wiped my tears away, “Oh, it’s nothing. Don’t worry about it, sweetie.”
She quietly kissed my cheek and hugged me before she turned and went back in her room. I smiled and stood up and opened my door when I heard my mom shouting at my dad. Again. Another fight. How fucking wonderful.
I slammed my door and sat down on my bed. Now I was alone. Now I could cry by myself. I didn’t want to. I hate crying. I wiped my tears away again, and changed into my pajama shorts and tank top. I stood in front of my mirror. He was right. How could anyone ever love me? How could anyone think I was beautiful? I looked at my arms. I ran my fingers over my cuts. How did I even think for a minute he loved me? I wasn’t good enough for him. And I knew it. It hurt to realize the person who you truly loved and who you thought loved you back, was just lying to you the entire time. I stared at myself in the mirror. All the cuts and bruises and burns and scars. I took it all in, and realized how much I truly hated myself for it. Because of this, I lost the one I loved.
I closed my eyes. I couldn’t stand to see myself anymore. I walked back over to my desk and sat in the chair. Hidden underneath notebooks and various papers, I knew I had one. I knew I had a blade. I slowly opened the drawer and moved the notebooks. Sure enough, it was still there. I reached into the drawer and put it against my skin. I didn’t cut. I didn’t draw blood. I simply laid it there. I felt the cold metal on my warm skin. I got goose bumps, and felt a weak chill go down my spine. I closed my eyes again and picked the piece of metal back up. Just then, my little sister walked in. I jumped, but quickly picked up my blade and threw it back in the drawer and slammed it shut. Normally, she would knock. I looked over at her and saw tears streaming down her cheek.
“Paige, what’s wrong?” I knew exactly what was wrong.
“Mommy and Daddy won’t stop fighting, Katie.”
I grabbed her hand and walked her over to my bed. I patted the place next to me and told her to sit down. She hopped up and laid her head on my upper arm, since she was too short to lay her head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around her and rocked her.
“Can I sleep in here tonight? Please?”
“Of course you can. Do you need anything from your room? I’ll go get it for you.” I whispered. She listed things she wanted me to get and I kissed the top of her head before I got up and left. I grabbed her pillow and a pair of clothes for tomorrow morning. She didn’t ask me for clothes, but I thought it would be better for me to pick her clothes, that way she would actually wear matching clothes for once. I picked up her backpack and snuck back into my room, shutting the door behind me quietly this time. She was waiting right where I left her. I put her stuff down next to the bed and pulled out her homework.
“Shall we get started?” I asked her, smiling. She seemed to be the only one to be able to make me smile like this. A genuine smile. A real smile.
We finished her homework in record time, and I put her stuff up. She snuggled into my side as we lay down. I put my arm around her and she asked me to tell her a story. I told her of a little girl who was perfect. I told her of a beautiful girl with long curly brown hair that had pretty clothes and an older sister that loved her. When she asked me if I had ever met the girl, I told her it was about her.
“How come you didn’t say her older sister was beautiful?” she asked me quietly.
“Because the older sister thought the younger sister was the prettiest girl ever, and didn’t think she was,” I said gently.
“But, I think you’re beautiful, Katie,” she looked up at me and kissed my cheek, “I think you’re the prettiest girl ever.” And with that, she fell asleep. I couldn’t help but think about what she said. But, the good thing was, I could trust Paige. I loved her, and I knew I could trust her. For the first time in weeks, I fell asleep happy.
The next morning, I was awoken by Paige singing as she got dressed. I loved her voice. It was sweet. She had already cleaned up her homework mess and before I could sit up, she walked over and quietly asked me if I would fix her breakfast. I got up and told her that as soon as I got dressed, I would. She smiled and skipped out of the room and got her a glass of orange juice, leaving me to myself.
I was always judged for the clothes I wore and the music I listened to. I liked punk rock and metal, and thus, wore the black band shirts and jeans. I was always getting called things like “goth” and “emo”, but I didn’t really care anymore. I used to get offended, but now it was just a daily routine. Get to my locker, have someone come up to me asking if I had cut recently as a joke. I would walk to my lunch table and get called “emo” after everyone I passed. I hated walking past the people who didn’t actually say anything to me. I could hear their whispers. I could hear them talking about me and judging me. No one truly knew. No one but him.
Nathan was a tall, dark-haired guy that had talked to me for years. We had been best friends since seventh grade. I’m in tenth grade now, a sophomore. We talked more over the summer of ninth grade. We went from being friends to boyfriend and girlfriend. He was perfect. He didn’t have all the same interests as me, which I liked. I liked to listen to him rant about stuff on his mind, and he would do the same for me. He was my best friend. He was also the one that broke my heart.
I slightly shook my head. I wasn’t sure whether it was to wake myself up from the daydreams I had about him or just because I didn’t want to think about him. I remembered Paige waiting on me in the kitchen. Before I started to head downstairs, I decided to see whether or not my parents were awake. I stopped by their bedroom on the way to the stairs. The door was open, as usual. I slowly peeked inside. There they were, wrapped up in blankets together like nothing happened last night. Dad’s arms were wrapped around Mom as she snuggled up to his side. I longed for that love. I wanted to experience that. They fight, but they still truly loved each other. I wanted that.
I quietly shut their door and tiptoed downstairs. Paige was waiting at the table for me to make her breakfast.
“Pancakes sound good?” I smiled as I saw her eyes light up.
“Yes please!” She giggled.
I was still smiling as I pulled the pancake mix from the shelf. I quickly mixed the pancakes as she stood next to me watching. I was wearing my long-sleeved shirt, thankfully. I didn’t want her to know something was wrong with her big sister. I didn’t want her to think any less of me, like Nathan.
“Sissy, be careful!” I was quickly awoken from another daydream by Paige’s voice. I had knocked over a can of beer that had been opened and left on the counter last night. I cursed under my breath as I grabbed paper towels to clean it all up. I threw the can away and washed my hands. I didn’t have enough time to shower and I had spilled it on my clothes. I gave Paige her pancakes and poured her some milk. She thanked me and I went upstairs to change.
I hurried up the stairs to see if I could find any good clothes to wear because I had forgotten to do laundry the night before. I went to my dresser and found an A Day To Remember sweater. Perfect. I slipped it on after my tank top and put on my black Converse. I grabbed my backpack and tossed in onto my shoulder and went back downstairs to find Paige rinsing off her plate.
“Thank you, Paige. I really didn’t feel like doing too many dishes tonight,” I said. She smiled and quickly turned around and put her jacket on. We headed outside to catch the bus. I plugged my headphones into my iPod and turned on some blink-182. I could only hope that it would be a good day.