Your Secret's Safe With Me

It’d be an understatement to say that Lily Langsley was inebriated. She was drunk off her ass.

But it was okay, because majority of the people sitting in Tim’s living room were just as drunk as she was. Including Tim himself.

Lynn and Luke had already gone to bed, both of them checking repeatedly that the door was properly shut and locked - a habit they’d picked up on over the years.

But Lily.. Lily was a different story. They could hear her laughing and running around the house and shouting unintelligible words. But it wasn’t a surprise to anyone, especially not her siblings. This was routine for her. Actually, this was her on her best behavior.

“Timmy, let’s go skinny-dipping!” she giggled, pointing the small pool in his backyard.

“No way, Lily,” he laughed, wrapping his arm around her to make sure she stayed put.

“I’ll go with you,” John offered, holding up his drink as a toast as he sat on the couch.

“Don’t even think about it, O’Callaghan,” Tim warned, protective even in his drunk state. “None of you motherfuckers better see Lily naked, ever.”

“Oh, *fwcia bant, Tim. I’m going skinny-dipping!” Lily announced, standing up from her seat on the carpeted floor and heading towards the back door that lead to the pool, John following her like a puppy.

She didn’t care that she had just met John, or any of the boys for that matter. She was going to take off her clothes, and then she was going to swim and hopefully not drown, and then she was going to pass out on Tim’s bed. It was all normal for her: drinking herself into oblivion and waking up half-dead. Anything to forget the pain.

Lucky for her, John O’Callaghan was exactly the same.

He whistled as she took off her clothes next to the pool, throwing them on the ground to be retrieved later, and they both laughed. She had no shame, showing off her drunken body. Even if it was covered in purpling bruises in the shape of one man’s hand and old scars that became a sad translation of braille.

Lily jumped into the pool first, always the rebel, and John followed shortly after, already stripped of his clothes. They were splashing and laughing and going crazy, as if they’d known each other for years.

“So you’re a friend of Tim’s, yeah?” John asked, out of breath from treading water.

“More like sister,” she answered. “But yes.”

“So how come I’ve never seen you around before?”

“Maybe you’ve just never noticed me.”

“I would definitely notice a girl as pretty as you,” he flirted, showing off his crooked smile.

Lily let out a sharp laugh as she moved to the shallow end of the pool. “I used to live in Michigan. I’ve been staying with Tim for the past four days.”

“So you’re a runaway.”

She shrugged, the conversation forcing her to sober up a little. “I suppose.”

“You run away from home?” he questioned, starting to get on her nerves. Who was he, to ask her these questions?

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Lily snapped, the harsh tone of her voice returning as the cool, Arizona wind chilled her face.

“Alright, alright. No worries. Did you like the show?”

“It was decent.”

“Just decent? You’re hurting my feelings, Lily,” he smirked. God, could he be any more straightforward with his flirting?

He was cute -fuck, he was hot- but Lily wasn’t the kind of person to fall into bed with just anyone. Sure, she drank whatever alcohol she could get her hands on, had a terrible habit of smoking cigarettes (most of which she gained by stealing), and loved the occasional blunt. Her morality was pretty low in general.

But when it came to some stranger touching her.. she was out.

“I really don’t give a shit,” she laughed. “Your feelings are the least of my worries.”

“You really are one hardcore girl, aren’t ya?” he smiled, not even fazed by her words.

Hardcore?

Nah.

She didn’t have a core. Just emptiness.

***

“Rise and shine, baby,” Tim said, yanking the blinds open and letting the harsh sunlight pour in.

“What the fuck,” Lily groaned, covering her eyes and scowling. She was hungover and she wanted to sleep.

“I don’t care how shitty you feel, Lily, you’re getting up. It’s Sunday, and on Sundays we always visit my parents.”

“Ugh, are you kidding me? I don’t want them to see me like this!”

“Your godmother hasn’t seen you in six years. Get the fuck up,” he commanded, already knowing that the mention of Beth Kirch would get her out of bed. He went to walk out of the room, but Lily stopped him.

“Tim?”

“Yeah, Lil?”

“Did I really skinny-dip with John last night?”

“You sure did,” he chuckled. “There was no stopping you. God, I even had to dress you because you kept running around the house naked.”

“No one.. no one saw my bruises, right?”

“Oh, uh, no. I don’t think so, Lily. Just me. D-do you think you need to see a doctor? They looked pretty bad. Don’t they hurt?”

“Of course they hurt, Tim,” she said sadly, looking away.

Tim swore his heart broke, looking at his childhood best friend and hearing the pain in her voice. He felt sick knowing that she had to go through all of that for years and years.

He walked back over to her and pulled her into a hug. He wanted to ask her why she hadn’t told him, or why she hadn’t run away sooner, or why she let it go on that long. But instead he just held her, knowing that questioning her wouldn’t work. She’d tell him on her own time. Either that, or Lynn or Luke would.

“Mom’s going to be so excited to see you,” he said softly. “You’ve grown up so much.”

“I wish I hadn’t,” Lily whispered, pulling away from Tim.

She locked herself in the bathroom and stripped off her pajamas, looking at herself in the mirror for the first time in forever. And she didn’t recognize a single thing.

Yeah, her hair had always been wavy and black. And she’d always had freckles on her cheeks and piercing blue eyes, and she’d always been skinny.

But Lily had become skin and bones. Her too-pale skin seemed to highlight the faded white lines that lay all over her forearms, especially her newest scar: thick and crescent-shaped and just below her left eye.

Her knees were knobby, her hands shook, and she jumped at the slightest noise. She felt like a complete outcast, from the bruises all over her entire body -literally- to the way paranoia and anger had become old friends.

“Cariad, don’t take too long. We’re supposed to leave soon,” Lynn called through the bathroom door as she used her favorite term of endearment, the Welsh word for beloved. Their father had always spoke to them in his native tongue, and even if his children weren’t too fond of him, his traditional words stuck.

“Alright, I-I’ll be out soon,” Lily answered, grabbing a towel out of the bathroom closet.

Lynn had always been her best friend. Sure, they’d had plenty of fights over the years, but sibling loyalties were strong and the twins would do anything for each other.

Even become a human punching bag, in Lily’s case.

Lynn still looked almost identical to Lily, except her hair was much shorter and thick-rimmed glasses framed her face. Lynn had taken a physical toll over the past years too, though she wasn’t nearly as skinny; her body had its natural curves and feminine stature. But she wasn’t lucky enough to escape the bruises, though she had a significant amount less than her sister.

And then there was Luke, the baby of the family, who was protected by his sisters fiercely. Only the occasional bruise or burn ever reached him.

He was tall -taller than both of his sisters- with the same black, messy hair and light blue eyes.

Lily showered quickly, making a list in her head of all the things she needed to do. She needed to find a job, find an apartment, buy a car, give Luke a haircut..

But first she had to get through seeing Beth again. And that meant answering a shit ton of questions.

“You should wear that new dress I bought you,” Tim commented as Lily rifled through the closet, searching for something to wear.

“But it’s sleeveless,” she sighed, staring down at her arms. There was no way she could get out of Beth’s questioning with her arms completely visible.

“You’re gonna have to tell her either way, Lily. She deserves to know.”

She didn’t bother responding, only grabbing the dress off of its hanger with a sigh and shoving him out the room so she could change. She shimmied into it easily, and felt a bit more confident when the material clung loosely around her hips, not accentuating how thin she was.

She put on minimal makeup and the few pieces of jewelry she had before slipping on her new sandals and walking down the stairs, where she could hear voices speaking over the television.

“Look, she’s alive!” Kennedy teased from his spot on the couch next to Lynn. She was a little weary of the boys, who were practically strangers, in the room, but if her sister was comfortable around them, then they couldn’t be that bad. Especially Kennedy, who had his arm on the back of the couch behind Lynn.

“Or I’m a ghost,” she answered, leaning on the trim of the doorway. She sure had felt like a ghost recently.

“Are you hungry, Lil? We’re having lunch when we get to my parents’,” Tim said, reaching for the remote and turning the tv off.

“That’s fine,” she said, watching as Lynn, Luke, and Tim stood from their seats in the living room. She bit back a laugh as they had to step over John, who was still passed out on the floor.

“Okay. I want you assholes out of my house when we get home, okay? And don’t eat my food,” he said sternly before walking into the kitchen to find Pat so they could leave.

The four of them got into Tim’s car while Pat followed them in his own car, and Lily began mentally preparing herself on the ride there.

What would Beth say? What should she say to Beth? Should she tell her about her mom?

Would Beth even be excited to see her, or would she be mad that she’d gone six years without any communication between them?

Lily bit her already too-short nail as the desert landscape flew by out the window. She still couldn’t believe that they were actually here, in the place that had just been a vacation spot to her as she grew up. Now, it was a refuge. An oasis.

And before she knew it -before she had time to collect her thoughts- Tim was parking his car in the familiar driveway and Pat was pulling his car in next to theirs.

It was exactly how she remembered it: flower pots and desert plants in the front yard, the clay tile roof, the big saguaro cactus across the street, the white picket fence extending towards the backyard. It was home.

Her mind was in a daze as her brother and sister walked up the sidewalk and Tim pulled her out of the passenger seat, and then they were walking into the house without even ringing the doorbell, and Tim was talking and she could hear voices but she stayed in the hall. She couldn’t move or breath or walk or force her body into any kind of reaction. She was frozen with the comforting smell of cotton and sugar as it wafted its way towards her, taking her back to when she was a kid and spent all those days here, back to when everything was okay.

Now it was too much, and nothing was okay, and she was going to be sick. She was definitely going to be sick.

But then she could hear gasps and cries -and suddenly everyone was crying, and she was being pulled into the living room and quickly embraced by the woman who had always been like a second mother to her. And then she was crying too, and everyone was hugging, and the walls were spinning. She had to focus on Beth’s warm, soapy smell and clench her eyes shut tight, or she’d definitely get sick.

“Oh, Liliane, baby,” Beth cried. “I can’t believe you’re here. I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you too, Momma Beth,” she replied, using the name she’d called Beth as a child. Saying it out loud only made her cry harder.

“I’ve been so worried about you children,” she said, finally pulling away from Lily. “Come on, kids, sit. Sit down,” she said, ushering everyone to have a seat on the couch. “I haven’t heard one word from any of you for six whole years.”

“Mom, they didn’t have cellphones or anything. Not even a computer,” Tim interrupted.

“Your mother doesn’t even have one anymore?”

“No, she hasn’t. Not for a long time. She’s.. well, she’s not doing too good,” Lynn answered.

“Aileen? What’s wrong with Aileen?” Beth asked worriedly.

Without hesitating, Lynn told her exactly what was wrong with their mother, which only made Beth cry even harder.

“That’s why we’ve been staying with our uncle the past six years. He doesn’t have any kind of technology. He can barely afford electricity,” Luke said.

“I understand, honey. It’s okay. But what are you kids doing here? Shouldn’t you be with your mother?”

“Momma Beth, most days our mom doesn’t even remember us. And, well, it’s bad, with our uncle. Really bad,” Lily said. “We had to run away.”

Beth placed a hand over her mouth as she began to process what had happened to the children of her best friend, noticing the bruises on Lily’s exposed shoulders and the gash on Lynn’s ankle.

“Oh, god. Oh no,” she said. And then she starting crying again.

***

“So you’ve been staying with Tim? Aren’t you kids crowded in that little house?” Beth asked, placing a plate of food in front of Lily.

“They don’t exactly have anywhere else to go, Mom,” Pat reminded from his seat across the table.

“We’re alright with Tim,” Lily said with a small smile. It was a bit crowded, but she didn’t mind.

“But that house isn’t meant for four people! And if I know my Tim, he probably has his friends over all the time, doesn’t he? You kids need your space,” she insisted. “You know I’d let you stay here any day, but there isn’t exactly anywhere for you kids to sleep. We turned Pat’s and Tim’s rooms into an office space and a workout room,” she said with a sheepish smile. “We’ll start looking for apartments first thing tomorrow.”

“Woah, Momma Beth, we don’t have any money,” Luke told the woman as she sat down at the end of the dining table. Her husband, Tom, was away on business, and everyone could tell that she wished he were here.

“That’s not a problem, dear. I have plenty of money saved up in the bank for emergencies, and Lord knows this is one.”

“Only if you’re sure,” Lynn said, but Beth dismissed her with a wave of her hand and a bright smile.

“Of course, honey. And we’ll need to get you cellphones. And from now on, you better come and see your god-momma every Sunday, deal?”

“Deal,” the Langsley kids said, smiling as they ate the lunch Beth had cooked for them.
For once, they felt like they had a real family. Like they had a real mother.

Lily felt like nothing else mattered; not how fucked up she was, or how completely screwed her and her siblings were, or how alone they had been. Because they weren’t alone now, and that was the best feeling in the world.