Cry for the Moon

It was warm.

It was that content kind of warm that you could only feel after a spring thunderstorm. A light breeze blew in from the north, chilling me slightly as I stood in the shadow of a big maple tree. As I looked at the bark, a strange sense of familiarity washed over me, and I turned, only for my eyes to meet a white house sitting at a crooked angle, looking unusually bright against the sun.

I could only blink in surprise. I hadn’t seen this place in years.

But something wasn’t right.

I turned back to the old tree. Where was mom’s grave?

My gaze went back to the house in confusion. Movement passed in shadow by the front window and I was suddenly drawn in. A peculiar sense of longing hit me and pain clenched my heart, merciless and cold as I made my way up the crumbling stone sidewalk. I hesitated at the door, admiring the chipping blue paint in uncertainty.

But then a voice whispered at my ear, soft and light.

Was that…? No, it couldn’t be…

But it was. It was her.

Like an impatient child, I threw open the door, racing inside. Still knowing the house’s layout by heart, a product of my childhood, I ran to the living room, swerved around dad’s leather recliner, and banked a left towards the kitchen. With my eye on the archway leading into the huge space, I passed through the threshold and…

Crashed into something. Something hard.

I hit the tiled floor with more of a crack than a thud and I yelped as my elbow tried to bust through the leg of a mahogany barstool. Focused more on my pain than whatever I’d run into, I cursed sharply and gripped the bend of my arm like that would subside the pain.

“Oh, Ana, I’m sorry sweetheart. What on earth are you running for,” an unusually sophisticated voice spoke, albeit with humor. My eyes snapped to the person so quickly the world blurred and my head spun as I was pulled from the floor. A bright smile greeted me, along with the prettiest brown eyes I’d ever seen, and my breath left me in a whirlwind of emotion. Shoulder length black hair, a pale scar along the left side of his jaw; yes, it was him.

“Elias?” I squeaked out in horror. Why was he here?

“Are you okay?” he asked, eyes lit up in concern. I was too busy choking on my own disbelief to speak, so I just nodded. Elias smiled and threw his arm over my shoulder, ushering me through the pristine kitchen. Mom had loved to cook.

“Come on,” Elias chimed with a chipper tone. “Everyone’s outside by the creek.”

What? Who was ‘everyone’?

I didn’t have the time to contemplate that question long as Elias all but dragged me through the sliding glass door onto the back porch. The sunlight hit my eyes hard and I had to blink to adjust them, and when they did…

It was like looking into a mirror. But my eyes weren’t green.

Mom’s smile lit up her face, framed by silky waves of dark hair. There was pure love and happiness plastered across her features; it was an expression I had long since forgotten.

I should’ve been happy, overjoyed to see my beloved mother again… but I was horrified. My stomach dropped and I felt sick. What was this?

Mom’s expression changed suddenly, molding into one of concern.

Other eyes found my face and I met them all; Dad’s were as blue as the ocean and he stood as I remembered him, built strong and tall, with tan skin and black hair. My brother looked much the same, aside from a long white scar that cut across his cheek. Elias came into my view then, standing with my family, and I backed away, horrorstruck. My mind was whirling and my heart ached.

All I could do was to stare at what was before me. It was the perfect image: all of us together, all of us here, painted in beautiful scenery. It was a vision of life; a life that could never be… but, maybe, in another time…. Could it be real?

It was wonderful…

But sickeningly painful.

“Ana, what’s wrong?” It was my brother’s voice, soft and blatantly worried. Emotion overwhelmed me and all I could stammer out was a question through empty, constricted lungs.

Why?

My knee dug into the stone as I collapsed, unable to breathe. I grabbed at my throat, my head and heart pounding.

Why?

My eyes snapped open and I was nearly already on my feet as I shot up through the darkness that surrounded me. The first feeling that flashed through me was panic until I caught my breath. When I did, my body lurched forward as my stomach dropped and bile rose in my throat. I dashed blindly for the closest bathroom, slipping on the hardwood floor and crashing into furniture as I did so, but nothing deterred me. I barely made it through the door and to the toilet before I lost everything I’d eaten that day, which had been a lot, courtesy of Oliver’s fine cooking.

Damn, it wasn’t so good the second time around.

My lungs felt like they were collapsing and there were muscles I didn’t know I had starting to ache from the unprecedented exertion. It felt like a Norwegian black metal concert was going on inside my head. I felt like I’d been hit and run over by a truck, and then the driver had thrown it in reverse and don’t it again.

What sort of cruel trick was my mind trying to play, conjuring up a dream like that? Was it to taunt me with the fact that I had failed in preventing the damage that’d been done? To remind me of the mistakes I’d made? If that was so, then why? I was already crazy enough…

A light suddenly sparked to life behind me and I forced myself up from where I was practically draped over the toilet to look behind me. A sympathetic smile was what greeted me.

“Hey, Koda-“ I turned and heaved up more stomach acid as my insides flipped again. Koda said nothing; she just knelt beside me and pulled my hair back out of my face. Time passed in silence for a while, and when I was sure that I wouldn’t be sick anymore, I flushed the toilet and flopped back against the wall by the sink. Koda sat across from me, sympathy etched across her features.

“Feel better?” she asked. I groaned in response, earning a grin from her.

“What time is it,” I asked finally. Koda lifted her arm to look at the black watch on her wrist.

“Almost five.” I arched an eyebrow at her.

“I’m an early bird,” she spoke quickly, trying to defend herself for being up at such an hour. “It’s a habit from my years of playing classical music.”

“I can imagine so,” I replied, managing a smile. “You said yesterday that you’d played classical music since you were a child; violin and cello, right?”

“Yes, I was kind of a protégé, or rather, my father made me so. He was a very popular violinist back home, so I was always surrounded by the music and couldn’t help but follow it,” she explained.

I could only nod at her, “I understand that; I was always the same way.” Especially when I met Thomas, I added mentally, hoping Koda wouldn’t bring up that particular topic. She knew well enough that I had been a friend of Thomas’ for quite some time and that we weren’t related, but as for the reason why, that information was reserved for Thomas and I only. Aside from that, if she did ask, after the dream I’d just had…

Just thinking about it made me want to hurl again.

Feeling queasy, I pulled my knees to chest, curling into a ball. Noticing my movement, the Swedish beauty that had so easily captured Isaac’s attention, sent me a soft look; she sent a look that, in the dim light of the bathroom, sparkled with something peculiar. Was it sympathy…?

No, I realized. That’s not sympathy in the least. She understands… something, somehow.

“What about your mother,” I asked, wanting desperately to break the silence that had fallen between us and change the subject.

“My mother died when I was fairly young,” Koda answered. Hearing that, I looked at her, slightly surprised at the commonality. Maybe that was why I felt strangely connected to her?

“I lost mine as well,” I replied solemnly.

“How old were you?’ I glanced at her and almost smiled at the curiosity shining in her bright blue eyes. Though the topic wasn’t the happiest, she was just trying to find some common ground being new to such a tight-knit group. It was sad she had to get to know me like this, though… But a conversation on the bathroom floor would thankfully keep me awake.

And distract me from that fact that I’m slowly losing my mind…

“I was twelve.”

“Oh.” Koda ducked her head down sheepishly, looking apologetic.

“I’m sorry. I at least…” she trailed off, looking thoughtful. “Well, I wouldn’t say it was a luxury, but I didn’t really know her, so it was a little easier,” she explained.

Koda was quiet once again, and I looked her way only for her to speak again, “I only know what my father told me.”

For only a moment, her voice lowered to a dark, almost bitter tone, and her gaze was distant, but then she smiled.

“Well, this has been one hell of an interesting morning so far: she chimed with an amused grin. I let out a laugh, choosing to ignore her quick change in demeanor. Pushing myself up off the floor, I held out a hand for her. We both sent a mutual smile at each other as she got up. It seemed friendly enough, but there was an understanding between us, now. I knew her smile hid a secret and she knew mind did as well. What that meant, I wasn’t too sure…

But I wasn’t going to worry too much. I could never tell anyone what happened. The secret would follow me forever. I would always be haunted by the guilt, by my own fear. There were so many apologies that would never be made; words never said. No one would ever know.

No one ever could know.

This suffering was mine along. And I deserve every bit of it.

“Come on.” I blinked as Koda’s voice pulled me out of my reverie. “Coffee will probably make you sick again, but I’ve got some tea that should help,” she continued as we made our way from the bathroom to the kitchen. Moving silently from the dark of the hallway to the living room, my stomach dropped seeing a silhouette standing at the counter. There was only one person it could be.

Someone who was up even earlier than usual.

Did he have no concept of what it meant to sleep in?

“Good morning, Roy,” Koda called with that ever-present smile on her face. Roy turned and his brown eyes fell on us, his gaze lingering in my direction. I stared at the floor.

“Good morning, ladies,” he answered with a charming smile. “You’re up early.”

“It’s a force of habit for me,” Koda replied. “And Analii wasn’t feeling well.” At that, without waiting for Roy to say anything more, Koda turned her attention to me, resting a slender hand on my shoulder.

“I’ll go find that tea for you; it should help with the upset stomach.” I just nodded and then watched as she disappeared into the shadows. Hearing a heavy sigh, I looked over at Roy. He leaned against the counter across from me with folded hands and in the dim light, I could see the tattoos covering his arms, but couldn’t read the expression on his face.

His silence was unnerving and it had me inching to the edge of my seat, feeling like I was under some microscope. I bit my lip, trying to find the voice to say something, and just as I found my words, he finally spoke.

“I told you that you’d get sick.”