Cry for the Moon

I scoffed before I could stop myself.

“Why?” I questioned sharply. “You know how this will go.” Thomas, unwavering as always, stood strong with his arms crossed over his chest, dark eyes bearing down on me. To an outsider, to someone who didn’t know him well, it would look like Thomas was angry; he was frustrated, yes, and upset- but his rigid demeanor masked what he was truly feeling. Looking right into his eyes, I could see straight through the façade, and what was there broke my heart. It always did.

As winter passed along, with days -weeks- dragging by at an agonizingly slow pace, I had seen it more and more; there was a sadness in his eyes – a helplessness. He knew something was wrong, but didn't know what, didn't know how to help me. All he had ever wanted to do was protect me, keep me safe. He had promised to do so, in fact, and even though I had just been a kid, the sincerity in his eyes had practically burned me. Every time I thought back to that day, all I could see was the look in his eyes.

”Would you take me with you, Thomas? Wherever you're going?”

He'd knelt in front of me, then, putting his hands on my shoulders.

”Only if you tell me what you're running from.

And it was in that instant, when our gazes locked, that I realized he already knew exactly what I was trying to escape from.

I had been so stupid to assume that the past wouldn't come back to haunt me. I should've known that it would, and my naivety had caused much more damage than I ever could have anticipated. Elias was gone and Thomas...

He was suffering so much, and it was because of me. It wasn't fair, wasn't right...

But it was the only way I could keep him safe. I would go insane before letting him, or anyone else, suffer the same fate as my beloved best friend.

That didn't change the fact that, since that night in the alley, Thomas had blamed himself for what had happened. 'If I had been watching her more closely,' I'd heard him say once or twice before to Roy, unaware that I could hear them, 'maybe this wouldn't have happened.' But it would have. Karma had a way of coming back around to bite people in the ass. I couldn't change that fact, nor could I change the past. What had been done was done.

“Then maybe,” Thomas started, finally speaking. “It's time you changed your answer?” Glancing down at the floor, the emotionless facade he'd held finally cracked, and his eyes shut tightly, as if he were in pain, but was trying to ignore it or push it aside. Letting out a sigh, he sat down on the couch, hands folded, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees to support the weight. “Or maybe we need to change how we're going about this whole thing?”

“Stop,” I hissed out, running a hand through my hair as I tried to keep myself from pacing again. “Stop trying to be tactical about this, Thomas. It changes nothing.”

“Then what am I supposed to do, Analii,” Thomas questioned, voice strong, but quiet. Glancing at him, I saw the hurt in his eyes, and immediately turned away.

Every emotion was raw and true, written across his face. I couldn't turn and face it.

Like everything else, if I could just look away, I could just bury it down. I could act as though nothing was wrong. But everything was wrong, and I knew it.

“There's nothing you can do,” I replied softly, dropping my head to stare at the black of the floor.

“That's a fucking lie, and you know it.” I winced, nearly whirling around at Thomas' unexpected language. It wasn't often that he really cursed all that foully... but when he did... What followed generally wasn't pleasant.

Feeling a hand press against my shoulder, just as it had upstairs in the kitchen, I didn't put up a fight as Thomas turned me around to face him, but I kept my eyes down cast, focused on his chest.

“I see you, Analii. I see the pain you hold inside of you; the light in your eyes just keeps getting more and more dull. I see the flashes of guilt that you think you hide so well, and I can't help but wonder why-”

”Why,” I snapped, finally looking up, glaring. “You want to know why?”

Why?

Why was I so hurt? So guilty, so... miserable? It was because I had made a terrible mistake. It was because of childish, selfish thinking... and I had earned every bit of this. That was what cut the deepest. I was causing so much pain to others, knowing full well that if I hadn't been such an idiot, that this all could've been prevented.

“Maybe it's the fact that I left my fucking family behind! I left them without even thinking twice about!”

“What else could I do? Did you expect me to just leave you there? Ana, he could've killed you!”

“Maybe that would've been better.” Immediately, I cringed as words I had never meant to say out loud -especially not to Thomas- came flying from my mouth. Thomas' face went pale. He was completely still, no single muscle even flinching; his dark gaze was fixed on me, and in the heavy silence I was almost willing to think I could hear his heartbeat, pounding hard in his chest.

“What?” The facade was no longer cracked. It was broken; shattered. “You can't mean tha-”

“If I hadn't left...” I didn't know what the end of that sentence was supposed to be. Logic would say I would've known what had become of my family, of my father and brother.... But my heart was screaming to say that if I hadn't left, Elias would still be alive.

That I was certain of.

“Ana, how much more of that pain do you think you could've taken? The bruises, the kicks, the punches?” Eyes falling back to the floor, I tried my best not to flinch as memories started to tear through me. Thomas didn't relent.

“How many times did you pass out on the floor from the pain, wondering if you were going to die?”

“Enough, Thomas.” I winced at the tremor in my voice and quickly squeezed my eyes shut, hoping to block out the visions that ran across my mind. It only made them stronger.

The tile of the floor dug into my back, but I could barely feel it as my senses zeroed in on the pain that washed over me. I tried to will it all away; I did my best to not make a sound, knowing that if I did, it would only make him angrier. I couldn't see straight and the light that shone above me was morbidly bright, moving in a hazy circle, obscuring his face from view. I didn't need to see him to know his pale blue eyes were filled with rage.

With hate.

For me.

For a moment, his assault stopped, and I tried to breathe in, but my lungs wouldn't cooperate. My ribs expanded with the movement and it took everything I had not to scream at how bad it hurt, and just when I thought it was over, his boot collided yet again with my body, and the crack that sounded in response seemed to be so loud that I swore I could hear it echo.

He reared back again, and I shut my eyes, gritting my teeth. God, just make it sto-

”Enough! Stop! You're going to kill-”

I'd dropped off into darkness before I could hear the sentence end.

“How many times-”

”Enough!” His words stopped short as I screamed at him, my voice loud enough that the others upstairs probably heard.

“You don't know shit,” I hissed.

“But I do know the little girl that decided she was going to get away from all that; the little girl who took the risk and ran. Back then, she didn't think it was a mistake.”

“Not so much of a mistake,” I snapped bitterly. “More of a regret.”

“You regret coming with me?” Finally turning to fully face him again, I leveled a glare at him.

“Don't word it like that. You know the truth.”

No, he doesn't. I didn't give a shit about the fact that I had left my family behind. At least, I didn't care, anymore. I didn't regret it when I was younger, and I didn't now.

What I regretted...

I had led Elias to his fucking grave and I could never forgive myself for it.

Teeth clenched, I closed my eyes and tried to push down the tears that welled up as the reality of that slammed into me again. There was no reprieve. No one to talk to, no one who I could tell. I was alone in my agony.

It's what you deserve, anyway.

With slow, careful movements, I listened as Thomas moved to close the distance between us. I didn't look up, nor did I open my eyes as he pulled me to him, and when he wrapped his arms around me... the floodgates broke open.

Tears came so quickly that they nearly choked me, but Thomas held me tight just like he always did, just as he promised. It was the only thing he really could do, despite how much he wished otherwise. He'd known that our friendship wouldn't always be easy.

I had at least, for the most part, always had him... but he wasn't Elias.

Elias was gone. Forever.

I miss you so much. I'm so sorry for what I did to you...

“It's okay, Analii,” Thomas spoke softly, his fingers running gently through my hair as he tried to comfort me. “You made a choice that saved your life. Never feel regret for that.”

I saved myself and condemned someone else.

“If anything,” Thomas continued, pulling just far enough away that he could look down at me. Tilting my chin up with his finger tips so I'd look at him, he smiled softly. “I would regret that you're now stuck with Casey.” At that, I managed a small laugh. He did have a good point Casey could be quite the pain in the ass, but I loved him anyways. Releasing Thomas, I stepped away to wipe away my tears. I'd always hated crying, especially in front of other people. It didn't matter who they were.

I didn't like crying in front of Thomas, even, and he'd seen me cry more times than I ever dared to count.

“Listen, I'm sorry for bothering you so much about this. I know it's frustrating... I just want to make sure you're okay. Your well being is important to me, and you are the absolute worst for bottling things up. Don't even deny it; you know it's true,” pausing, Thomas smiled once again. It was really just a ghost of one, and I could still see the sorrow in his eyes... but we both knew the past couldn't be changed. “I will always be here for you, Ana. You know that.” Slowly, I nodded. I still didn't feel any better, but maybe now, I would have some breathing room. Thomas thought that I was missing my family; that was the way it would stay.

He couldn't know the truth. He would never know the truth. But maybe now he wouldn't be such a mother hen all the time.

“I know that.” Solemnly, Thomas rested a hand on my shoulder.

“Why don't you get a hot shower? It'll make you feel better, and probably help you sleep.”

“What, are you trying to say I stink?” Thomas grinned before he stopped himself and laughed.

“Maybe?” His grin quickly changed into a charming smirk. “I actually thought it was just Casey.”

“Don't let him hear you say that. We'll never hear the end of it!” I replied, another small smile coming to my face.

One that quickly fell. Thomas let out a sigh, immediately noticing.

“Come on, kid. Try to cheer up some, for me? Your birthday is in a few days, after all.” Shoulders slumping even more, I let out a groan.

“Don't remind me.”