More Than Skin Deep.

Walking into the house seemed a lot more nerve racking than it did the first time. I didn't know how they were all going to react to the shit storm I was about to brew up but I had to face it or leave. Part of me was leaning more towards the leaving part.
I walked past everyone and headed straight to my room. I didn't smile, didn't acknoledge any of them. That must have sat wrong with Clint because he was soon knocking at my door.
"Come in," I said while folding the clothes I had pulled off the hangers just moments before.
"What the fuck is this princess?" he said rather loudly.
"There is an issue with me being here because of my past and right now leaving is a whole lot easier than going out there and facing all of you with it," I explained to him while continuing my previous task.
"Okay, now I am really fucking confused here. What in your past is going to affect all of us?" he said while sitting down on my bed.
"Promise me you aren't going to run out there repeating it until I decide I am going to stay or not," I said with very stern words.
"Scouts honor princess," he said while raising one hand.
"I don't think that works if you weren't actually a scout Clint," I said with a small smile.
"Nah but at least I got you to smile," he said while pointing at my smile.
"Anyways Clint, promise me," I repeated once again.
"Come on, seriously. This is me and you, fuck them," he said to me.
I grabbed his hand and led him to the deck so I could smoke while I relived the past.
I instantly lit up a cigarett and leaned against the corner wall the furthest away from the stairs. Clint stood right in front of me like he was blocking anyone's view if they decided to walk out the door.
"I dated one of the judges," I finally blurted out.
"Please don't tell me you were a groupie for Dave, Zaylaa," he said to me with a hint of jealousy.
I scrunched my face up and shook my head.
"Hell no! I dated Chris," I explained.
"So what? You and Chris had a thing and it didn't work out. I still don't get what this has to do with all of us," he responded with confusion.
"That's just it Clint. We didn't have just a thing. Chris and I dated for three years. We lived together for two of those years. We were a serious couple. Hell we only broke up two years ago. The judges are worried that you guys will think that Chris is going to be biast or some shit so they want me to make sure you guys are okay with me staying, if not, I have to leave," I explained to him while looking out over the railing.
He was silent for a while, just mirroring my action.
"The only thing that will make them not be okay with this is if they see you as a threat in anyway. Hell if you two broke up mutually then we wouldn't be having this conversation would we?" he asked looking down at me.
"Yeah we wouldn't but we didn't. He left me. I didn't want him to but I didn't exactly try to stop him either. Hell it took me a year to bury that shit and move on. You don't think they will be all pissed off and want me out?" I asked looking deep into his eyes.
"Fuck them. I vote you stay, Steve will vote that you stay. Jaime and Jesse aren't going to give a shit. That is already four people. Take a gamble. Come on," he said while pulling me off the wall and back into the house.
"Hey everyone!!! Come out into the living room, Zaylaa has an announcement to make!" Clint yelled. If looks could kill Clint would have been dead as soon as he opened his damn mouth.
Everyone slowly filed out into the common area and took a seat. Clint remained standing behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. He was trying to comfort me.
"Want to tell us what this is about Zay or are you just having fun?" Kutta asked with an attitude.
"As you all know, the judges pulled me aside while you all headed back here. They pulled me aside because I have a past with one of the judges," I explained. I watched everyone look at everyone else around the room, not fully knowing how to react. I decided to continue.
"Chris Nunez and I dated for three years, we broke up two years ago. No, it was not a mutual break up. He left me and it tore me apart. It took me a year to bottle this shit up," I explained.
"That is fine and fucking dandy but what does this have to do with us?" Kutta once again popped off.
I just kept glaring at him.
"I have to ask you guys if you guys are okay with me staying in this competition or not. The judges will be here in twenty minutes so when they get here just give them the answer. I need to finish packing," I said while wiggling out of Clint's arms and heading to my room.

Out in the common area:
"Well you all know my vote so I don't even have to say it," Clint said while flopping down next to Steve.
"I don't care about her past, hell it may even play in my favor if Chris constantly refuses to vote for her so I don't care if she stays," Steve said.
"Fuck that man. What if he still has a hard on for that bitch and constantly goes to bat for her?" Kutta said, shining a new light on the issue.
"Fuck all the talking, just write all your votes down and put them in this La Ron's hat and then we will let the judges tally them all up," Clint said while jumping up and grabbing the said hat.
Five minutes later, Dave, Oliver and Chris walked in.
"Alright guys, hopefully Zaylaa filled you guys in on the situation and we want to know what you all have decided," Dave said.
"We decided everyone was talkin' too fuckin' much so we all wrote our votes down and put them in this hat," Clint said while jumping up and handing Dave the hat.
Dave just quirked his eyebrow up and looked at the other judges.
"Come on guys, this is a serious issue. We want to know your concerns. I am going to go around the room and ask each of you for your answer," Oliver said with an authoritive tone.
"I am going to grab Zaylaa so hold off on that Oliver," Dave said, hoping that they will go a little easier on the subject if she was out there.

I heard a soft knock on my door but didn't get up to answer it.
"Come in," I said softly.
Dave walked in and sat next to me on my bed. He looked down at what I was holding and reached out to place his hand on mine.
"Is that your father?" he asked.
I looked up at him and gave him a small smile.
"Yeah, I always run to him when things get a little hectic in my life," I answered him with a little laugh.
"Well, let's face the music Zay," he said while pulling me up. I gave him a small hug.
"Whatever way this turns out, thank you for the opportunity," I said to him.
He just smiled and continued to lead me out of my room.
When I made it into the living room my eyes instantly fell onto Chris.
"Alright guys, let's just get this over with so we can get back to the competition," Chris said, looking away from me.
I knew why he was being cold, he was still angry over the last few months of our relationship. News flash, he wasn't the only angry one.
"Alright Steve, we are going to start with you. Address your concerns and we will sort it out from there," Oliver said while pulling up a seat. Everyone sat down except for me, I knew someone was going to say something to piss me off sooner than later.
"I don't care if she stays. She is an artist and sometimes artists date each other. Hell, if Chris has some pent up anger against her maybe he will not be so inclined to vote for her, may play out in our favor," Steve said looking at Chris.
"That isn't going to happen man. We are judging off of talent not past bullshit," Oliver said.
"You may say that man but you can't control those emotions, those grudges, they just find odd ways of resurfacing but like I said, I don't care if she stays, I am completely cool with it," Steve re-emphasized his point.
"Clint man, you're next," Oliver said while chewing on his tooth pick.
"I like the princess. She is a cool chick who has a lot to offer this competition. I don't care if her and Chris have bad blood, it doesn't concern me at all. I think that if people want her gone then they are just taking an easy shot to have one less person in the competition. I vote princess stays," Clint said giving me a warm smile. I returned the smile which didn't go unnoticed by Chris.
"What is with this pet name crap? Is there more shit going on in this house than we know about?" Oliver asked Clint and I.
"Her name means sunshine, princess and female independence. Apparently Clint got more creative than just calling her Zay or Laa," Chris explained.
I just glared at him. He was the only one that called me Laa and I hadn't heard it come out of his mouth in so long.
"I prefer Zay or Zaylaa, not Laa. Clint and I are just friends, we bonded pretty quickly so you know what? I am okay with his nickname for me, even though it makes me feel like a character from Super Mario Brothers," I said with a small laugh.
"That's my girl! Under cover nerd!" Clint said while giving me an air high five.
"Can we just get back to the fucking issue at hand?!" Chris said rather loudly.
"Alright, fuck man. Stay is my vote," Clint said once again.
"We go that," Chris spat at him.
"Moving on, Cee Jay, what do you have to say?" Oliver asked the eccentric haired woman.
"It is about the ink. I vote stay," she stated.
It turned out that most everyone voted for me to stay, except Kay Kutta, Sarah and Tatu Baby.
"Alright you three, Zaylaa stays but we want to work through ya'lls concerns before we leave so speak up about it," Oliver said.
"What if Chris still has a hard on for this bitch? That means he will constantly go to bat for her and see past her mistakes and shit?!" Kay said rather loudly.
"Whoa man, watch your mouth first off. Second off, I can tell you I don't have a hard on for her. Yeah we dated for a long time, yes we were serious about one another for the majority of our relationship and yeah we probably have a lot of bottled up emotions from our break up. You all have to understand that when I left we never spoke to each other again, never patched shit up. Am I going to sit here and dwell on that shit though? No. Whatever happened between her and I is just that, between us, not all of you. I know how to keep my personal life at bay when it comes to business. I can't speak openly for Zaylaa but I hope there is at least enough respect left between us that she can do the same," Chris explained to everyone. I could tell he was getting frustrated. He was never one to dwell in the past or let his private life be the topic of everything.
"Oh don't worry about me Chris, I respect you enough as an artist to not go and blast shit to everyone," I said not even looking at him. After a couple of silent minutes I got up and walked out on to the deck. The tension was so thick in the room I thought I was going to suffocate.
I leaned against the corner and lit up another cigarette. The night had fallen but I couldn't star gaze with all the city lights everywhere so I just stared out onto the city, hoping to get lost in the busyness of it all. I heard the door to the deck close but I didn't want to look up, didn't care to look up. I knew who it was just by how my body was reacting.
"I really have nothing to say to you Chris. I am here for the competition as a competitor, you are here as a judge. It really is that simple," I said to him before he even made it to where I was standing.
He leaned against the railing a good four feet away from me and let out a small chuckle. He always did that when he was frustrated.
"I guess since you don't have anything to say to me then that just makes it all better, right?" sure it sounded like a question but I knew it really wasn't.
I just shrugged my shoulders and continued staring out at the city.
"How do you expect to focus in this competition if you can't even look at me Laa?" he asked sliding closer to me. We were now about two feet away from each other.
"Like I said in there, I prefer Zay or Zaylaa," I said while looking straight into his bright eyes.
"I have always called you Laa, called you it the first day I met you. Don't think I am going to stop just because you are still heart broken," he said meeting my eyes.
I couldn't take the intensity in his eyes so I turned away, busying myself with my cigarette.
"I am not heart broken anymore Chris. What happened happened, I can't change that and I am not here to do that. I am here to make my father proud and to help me get the foot to stand on my own in the tattoo world," I said with a new sense of courage.

"You know, I was hoping to come out here and at least get a civil relationship going. If all you want is to do this competition and act like nothing ever happened between us then I will be the first one to jump on that. Don't expect me to be this nice guy to you though and don't expect me to over joyed about your new found fling with Clint. I will also be the first one to say that I am not even close to thrilled about that," he said while turning away.

"Are you fucking kidding me Chris?! I am here for what, two days and you think I already have a new found fling?! I remember when we first met. The very first day you were already wrapping your arms around me, kissing my cheek and calling me pet names and guess what, we were just friends then. Clint and I are just friends, two people who bonded quickly because in a house full of strangers, it is nice to have someone you can confide in," I spat at him. My anger caused him to turn around and get right in my face.

"Yeah and what happened when we met and bonded like that so quickly? We found ourselves unable to stay away from each other. We were constantly texting and popping up in each others place of work. Hell a month after we met we slept with each other. Do you remember that?" he spoke with a more intensified level of anger than I did.

I took a few steps back, hating people invading me like he did.
"From what I am gathering, you think Clint could come close to what you meant to me. You think he can swoop right in and replace everything we had. I can assure you Chris that could never happen," I stated with a hushed voice.

He seemed to lighten up a little bit after hearing those words of reassurance fall from my lips.
"If you can't handle this Laa then don't. No one will think any less of you," he said trying to make light of the situation.
I looked up at him with tear rimmed eyes.

"That is where you are wrong and always were wrong Chris. That man up there," I said while pointing up to the sky, "would never forgive himself if he knew his only child couldn't succeed or even try because a man stood in her way. Failure is the worst feeling to me. You never understood that and it is clear to me that you never will. I dwell on my past failures because I am always trying to find a way to succeed with them. With work, it has always been being able to successfully own and operate my own shop. With love," I paused, unsure if I could finish my thought out loud.

"It has always been to find a man to that made you feel the way I did but you can't hold every guy to measure up to me Zaylaa. Just like I can't hold every woman I meet to the same standards I held up to you," Chris finished for me.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore," I said to him while pushing myself off the wall.
Chris shook his head and laughed once again.
He turned around to leave but right before he walked through the door, he said, "I am done talking about it then too. Don't bring it up in the future because this is something that is just going to have to haunt you on your own."