More Than Skin Deep.

"Kay did you guys even have any solid evidence that shit was going on before you came to us with this concern?" Oliver asked rather annoyed.
"Not exactly, just thought-" he started to explain before he was cut off.
"That is the problem right there Kay. You assumed that shit was going down so you took advantage of the situation. You put me on blast and seriously embarassed the fuck out of me in front of the judges. You are pulling the emotion card on me and Chris and it has no place in this competition Kay. I don't want to be pulled to the side one more damn time by these judges because of this shit. I am here for a tattoo competition, not to win anyone's heart. So please, put your petty bullshit aside," I yelled at Kay.
I didn't realize that I was now up in Kay's face, well close enough considering the height difference.
Chris and Oliver were to their feet rather quickly to put some space in between us. Chris's arms were wrapped around my waist as he pulled me away from Kay.
"You guys need to settle this or we may not be able to continue with both of you on this show," Dave instructed both of us.
"Fine by me. I don't need to be on this show anymore. I didn't know it was going to turn into a soap opera about my past love life," I said while trying to fight out of Chris's arms.
"Stop Laa. Believe me, this wasn't what I expected to happen this season but I am not just going to let you leave like this," Chris admitted while tightening his hold on me.
"Dave I m going to take her outside and get her to calm down. I suggest a talk with everyone in the house hold about our past being a dead issue. If any of them have an issue with it, you can feel free to send them my way," Chris told Dave while pulling me outside.
He picked up the cigarettes I had dropped in my struggle and tossed them at me.
"Light one up and chill the hell out," he demanded.
I did as I was told, not because of him but because that was what I was planning on doing in the first place.
"This shit has got to stop Laa," Chris said, leaning up against the brick wall.
"No shit sherlock," I snapped back at him.
He was off that wall quicker than I anticipated and soon had me caged in between the building and his own body.
"I am caught in the middle of all this too. Whatever is getting said about you or to you, it is always involving me as well. Your little snappy attitude is something that I will not put up with right now," he threw his words at me with pent up anger.
I remained silent. I didn't want to say anything because I knew if I did, I would be inserting my foot farther into my own mouth.

"What do you want me to do about all of this? Do you want me to just let you walk off this show? If you walk off you know you are going against everything you stand for. If you walk off you know that you and I will go back to how it was before all of this. Pretending like we don't know that the other one exsists?" Chris was talking a mile a minute and I didn't know how much more I could comprehend.

"No, I don't want to walk off of this show because after seeing the other artists' work I actually think I have a fair shot at winning this show. The you and I issue, Chris I never ever pretended that you did not exist but I am really glad to hear that is what you did," I yelled at him, looking up to his face.
His fists tighten and were holding up his body with so much force I thought he was going to start shaking.
"That isn't what I meant Laa. I assumed that is how you handled our break up," he defended through gritted teeth.
"We all just witnessed what assuming can turn into now didn't we Chris," I threw back with a smirk on my face.
He grabbed my chin with one of his hands and held it firmly in front of his face.
"I kept up on you Zaylaa. I knew you got hired on with Marcus at More Than Ink'd. You think that Marcus would keep that shit from me? He told me that you were nothing like the girl he met when I was with you. Told me that you had lost the light in your eyes. Dove yourself completely into your work and lost the social life you once had," Chris spat.
I tried turning my face away from him, not wanting to hear the truth thrown in my face but his strong hand wouldn't let me.
"You are going to face me Laa and we are going to fix this shit today," he explained.

"What is it that you want me to say Chris? What words have you been wanting to fall from my lips and into your ears huh? Please tell me because I really don't fucking know!" I yelled.
"Spill it Zaylaa. Spill all the shit you have wanted to say to me since the day I fucking walked out of your life, tell me how I made you feel," he instructed.
"I don't want to," I said while closing my eyes, trying to will my tears back into my body.
"I don't care what you want. It is time to face what you need to do," he said emphasising the word need.
With a heavy breath, I silently asked my father for the strength to face this hurdle.
"He would want you to face this Zaylaa. He would want you to be happy again," Chris said to me, knowing exactly what I was doing. He was right, hell he was usually right. One of the reasons I was so drawn to him in the first place was because he reminded me of some of the best qualities my father had.

"Chris, when I first met you, I knew that you were going to have a huge impact on my life. I didn't care that you were some world renouned artist, didn't care about any of your shows or what shops you were working in. All I cared about is that you made me insanely happy, even when we were just friends. The night we slept together, even though we hadn't asked each other out or gotten into a relationship or anything, I knew everything was going to change. It did. It made what we had stronger, more beautiful, more sacred to me. I know I wasn't your first and you know you weren't my first but the connection we had would have fooled everyone. We never fought, we were always playing around and suprised each other with random gifts and with showing up at our places of work with coffee and breakfast. It was the sweetest things we did for one another that kept our relationship as fresh as it was," I paused trying to gauge his reaction. His eyes had grown softer and his grip on my chin had turned into an angel touch.
"You can continue," he said while clearing his throat. Maybe me facing him was harder than he thought it was going to be.

"When I opened my first shop all I wanted was for you to be proud of the direction I was heading in. Proud that I never once tried to piggy back off of your name and tried doing it all on my own. That wasn't the case though. Whenever I brought it up to you, you shot it down. Whenever I asked your opinion on designs or location you just walked out of the room. You kept leaving for weeks at a time during all of this Chris. You were my physical rock, the man I wanted in my life to be there for me when no one else was. You acted as though I was already a failure even before I got the chance to try. I was so angry at you Chris but even more angry at myself for allowing you to have that kind of control over me. When I did fail, I blamed you for it. Blamed the fact that you didn't even try to support my decision therefore clouding my path. I knew our relationship was going to end when you got back from Brazil. I could see it in your eyes. You didn't look at me when you walked into my foreclosed shop, you looked past me. You looked at the failure that I was knee deep in. I want to hate you so much Chris," I finished and allowed a few tears to fall from my eyes.

Silence over came us for what felt like an eternity.
"Say something Chris. Please, just say anything," I pleaded to him.

"Why do you still wear that necklace?" he asked dropping his hand from my chin and using it to trace the metal crane on my chest.

"You told me that in Japan they make these paper cranes for wishes. That they have to make one thousand of them for a wish to come true. I don't have a thousand of these necklaces but I figured since you told me that I was your wish that came true that maybe, just maybe, me wearing this one thousand times would make my wish come true," I said to him through tear stained lips.
This caused him to form his mouth into a small smile, most likely remembering the day he gave it to me.

"You were glowing that night. I remember you wore that emerald green dress that I loved so much. Hell, I even remember that you had your hair crimpped loosely that night," he remeniced.
"Yeah and you forgot to make reservations so we ended up going to Sizzler. God we were the only ones dressed up in that place. Made me feel like I was going to my sernior prom all over again," I said with a small laugh.

His eyes returned to mine and his hand was back on my chin.
"Where the hell did we go so wrong?" he whispered.
I dropped my gaze, not wanting to look at him. We went wrong because he gave up on me. I just didn't know if he would admit to that truth.
"I don't know why I felt the need to have the other judges pull you aside again. I got angry when I heard that you and Clint may have slept together. Look at the way you dressed, it's as if you were glowing once again. I'd be damned if he was the reason you looked so strong tonight," he admitted.

"I looked strong because I am Chris. I was completely confident and got torn down because you were weak enough to get wrapped up in petty bullshit,' I had to get it out.

"How would you feel if you saw me in that situation Zaylaa? Let's be honest," he asked raising his voice.
"Chris you are a media target, you do realize that right? I have seen you with numerous women since we split up. You became quite the ladies man when you became free of me. Don't sit here and pretend anything. I know you have been with other women since us Chris. I know you even had an eight month relationship with one of them," I raised my voice right back at him.
"Hey it isn't my fault that my success gains the attention of the media. I worked hard to get where I am today. You can't get mad at me for the media putting my life on display," he said defending himself.

"I was never mad at your success or seeing you with someone new Chris. I was mad at myself for allowing you to walk out. I let you go without so much as a second glance," I responded.
Chris looked away from me and leaned his head into his out stretched arm.

"I never saw you as a failure Zaylaa. I just knew it was going to be extremely hard for you to have a successful shop with how fresh you were to the scene. I was angry that you were taking such a gamble and I was scared that you were going to ask me to bail you out of the situation. I would have in a heartbeat you know that. Maybe that is why I was so upset with you. You never once asked for me to help you out of the situation. You never allowed me to be your saving grace and I thought I could handle watching you fail but it fucking broke me apart Laa. I didn't want to watch you face defeat. I figured if you wouldn't allow me to help you out of your mess then you wouldn't need me around to face it. I was being spiteful. You have no idea how many times my mind goes back to the last week of our relationship," he admited without moving his face from it's buried position.

"I...I..I can't believe you left me because you were being spiteful Chris...you threw three years away because I didn't want to piggy back off of you or use you as a fall plan. How fucking selfish are you Chris?!" I yelled pushing away from him as hard as I could.
He grabbed my wrists and held them above my head.
"Stop. Take a few deep breaths and calm the hell down!" He yelled.

"No. I don't want to be calm anymore. I want you to let me the hell go. I promise you that this shit will stop. I promise that you won't hear another peep about our past or about Clint and I being friends. I swear on everything I hold dear Chris because honestly, you just broke my fucking heart," I said with piercing words.

Chris's lips soon collided with my own in a manner that would leave me bruised. At first, I let him linger. Allowing his tongue to graze across my bottom lip and tango with my own tongue. At first, I accepted this moment of weakness. Feeling something I have longed for since he left. It was only for a moment though. In life, anger and hurt dwell deeper than passion. My hand found his stubbled chin and pushed him back with the same force he had used to steal my lips with.

"Don't you ever think about touching me again Chris. You are nothing more than a judge to me at this point. After this competition I will pretend like you never ever walked into my life and fucked my whole world up. I will pretend like you never existed," I let all the anger and hurt fuel my words, let them flood my eyes so every emotion dug into his soul.

With those last parting words, I found my way back into the elimination room to once again face Dave and Oliver.
"I promise that there will be no issues from this day forward. If any arise I will quit the competition willingly and pack up my machines," I explained, staring right into their eyes.
"We are holding you to your word Zaylaa. We don't want to have you walk out but we can't have another episode like this," Dave said to me.

I turned away from them and walked back to the house. When I arrived, everyone was in the living room.
"I am going to tell you all the same thing that I told Dave and Oliver. I promise you all that there will not be another issue about my past. I will do everything in my power to work with you guys on any issues you may be having with me regarding that issue. If another issue arises where I am called to have a private talk with the judges one more time, I have agreed to pack up my machines and quit the competition. On another note, Clint and I are just friends. In a competition like this, full of competitive strangers, it is nice to have someone who you can confide in and call a friend. If you guys can't accept that as an answer to mine and his behavior than please do not run off and tell the judges some story that you have compiled in your own mind. Please do come to myself and Clint first so we can straighten anything out. I am going to bed now. I have nothing more to say to you guys about any of this," I explained before walking straight to my room and slamming the door shut.
I ripped my crane necklace from around my neck, purposely breaking the clasp.
I don't think Chris fully realizes what he has just awakened inside of me.