The Unforgettable

These have been the longest two days ever, but we’re finally here. I sit at the counter pretending to read. Well the intention was to read, but my mind keeps wandering to Carlo and how I just want to be close to him. Then my mind wanders to Chris and why it’s taking him so long to get out of here.

‘I can't move, can't breathe. I play it again, and again.’

Gah! I’ve read the same line over and over.

“Hon!” Chris calls out from the bathroom. “Can you bring me a towel!”

Yes, finally! I close the book, hop out of the chair and go to the closet in the hallway grabbing a towel. I step into the bedroom and the bathroom door’s open. I stick my arm in with the towel not going all the way in.

“Here’s a towel.”

I hear the water sloshing around, he doesn’t answer at first then I hear his muffled voice, “I’ve got shampoo running down my face I’m afraid to open my eyes.”

I sigh and enter the steamy bathroom, I see his clothes sitting on the toilet so I place the towel on top. When I head for the door Chris pops his wet head out.

“Thanks,” he runs a hand over his face.

My eyes instantly glance at his glistening chest and my face burns. I haven’t seen Chris naked in a while, like a couple months it’s kind of embarrassing to even be in here with him. I try to leave quickly but he stops me wanting to talk.

“Gianna, why are you being weird?”

“What are you talking about?” I look away from him.

“Hurrying out of here like you’ve never seen me naked before.”

I don’t respond just shrug my shoulders and put my hand on the knob trying to leave.

“Gianna, come on,” his wet hand grabs my wrist tugging it off the knob.

I look directly in his eyes and he chuckles, “how do you fight it? I mean I know we’ve argued in the past but you always came back around.”

Yeah you weren’t cheating before. . . Or maybe he was then but I didn’t know it at the time, I don’t respond just sigh.

“Come on baby, we’ve been off balance for months,” he bites his lip and places my hand on his wet chest, his hand still around my wrist.

“Ugh, Chris,” I try yanking my hand away but he’s got a firm grip.

“If I miss making love, I know you do. . . You’ve always been ready for it.”

I tilt my head to the side, “Christoph, if I wasn’t in the mood and turned you down before what makes you think I’d be ‘ready for it' now?” I try impersonating his voice by just lowering mine.

He shakes his head, “Gianna. . . Please,” he sighs letting go of my wrist. “I miss you okay? I miss feeling your skin against mine, I miss kissing your soft lips and running my fingers through your hair, I miss the way you taste.”

I notice his penis liven and I burn hot in temperature and color. I haven’t done anything sexual with Carlo yet and I’ve thought about it a lot, I’m nervous about it actually, especially having not been with anyone but Chris and we haven’t done anything in months.

As I stand in this steamy room, burning red, physically frozen Chris pulls me close by the waist and kisses me. His wet face gets mine wet as he slides his tongue into my mouth and entangles a hand in my hair. Another hand takes mine and guides it under my own shirt as he squeezes my hand around my breast.

“I just want to feel you before I go baby,” he whispers against my lips.

I make a sound then pull away from him shaking my head, “Chris I- I just can’t.”

I hurry out of them room hearing him groan as I go and I leave out of the front door to sit on the steps for fresh air. Fuck! I don’t get why he thinks he can just do that! Just pretend like shit’s back to normal and that we can act like nothing ever happened. Tears sting my eyes and fall out of frustration and what feels like guilt. Guilt, why the hell should I feel guilty, what do I have to be guilty for? He’s the cheater I’m. . . I don’t know, I guess I’m not any better. My lips tingle thinking of the kiss we just shared and I clap my hands against my face god dammit, I do miss him! His familiar touch is such a good one but I can’t bring myself to forgive him for what he did because I can’t seem to forget it. . . Why couldn't he have kept it to himself? None of this would have happened had he not told me, not the fighting, the crying, the ripped relationship, not Carlo. Carlo, there’s a pang in my chest and I sigh. Oh Carlo, you sweet, sweet man you. Why couldn’t I have met you first?

I sit outside for twenty minutes in the cool breeze as it turns dusk and another ten minutes go by that’s when the front door opens and Chris’s head pops out. We make eye contact, he sighs and walks back inside with the phone to his ear. I hear him giving our address and the airport’s address I guess he’s calling a cab. He returns outside and without a word sits on the step next to me.

There’s silence for a few seconds then he speaks, “I’m sorry.”

I don’t look at him, just down at the sidewalk watching the ants march into a hole in the crack between the slabs of cement.

“I don’t know why things turned out the way they did. . . Because I’ve always loved you, I never thought of being with anyone else and I feel like I just really, really fucked up. And I keep fucking up because I have no clue how to deal with this. Everything I do seems to push you further away and I can’t even blame you for that because I am a major asshole. I’ve tried having sex with you at least three times in the last couple of months and I know it’s stupid but I guess, since I’m ignoring the problem I expect you to do the same and that’s. . . That’s fucking selfish,” he takes a deep breath and hangs his head.

I take a quick glance at him, his hand’s in his hair as his elbow rests on his knee. “I don’t know why I expected you to forgive me, I haven’t done anything worth the forgiveness. . . I know you hate me, hell I hate me. You’ve probably moved on, right?”

He glances at me taking in my frozen posture then shakes his head, “don’t answer that.”

It’s silent again, I take another quick look and see he’s wiping tears from his face. I’ve never seen him like this, so vulnerable. I’ve seen him when he’s felt bad for something but never so low, never crying. He’s always the strong one I’m the one usually in tears. It makes me want to reach out and grab his hand, wipe his tears away and hug him telling him it’s okay, but I don’t I just watch.

He takes a hiccupped breath, “Gianna why do you stay here knowing what kind of monster I am? Why didn’t you leave me the day I told you?”

I look at him with large eyes, it’s the question Carlo asks and I keep asking myself, but I don’t have an answer. I’m not sure why I haven’t left other than what my family will think of me, but I know deep down they won’t hold it against me long and they’ll get over it quickly. I guess I’m just afraid. I’m used to what’s familiar and I know for a fact that I still love Chris, but I can’t tell him that. I suppose I want to have my cake and eat it too. I’m selfish, I’m a very selfish person.

“Christoph, I. . .”

The taxi pulls up to the end of the driveway shining us with it’s headlights. We both stand and shield our eyes from the blinding light.

“What were you saying?” Chris asks.

I look down at our feet and shake my head, “I- I don’t know.”

Chris looks at me with pleading eyes for a second longer then sighs and opens the door a little to grab his suitcase and bag. He closes the door, takes a step closer to me and puts his bag’s strap on his shoulder.

“Can we talk about this more over the phone?”

I shrug, “sure.”

Then he curses, “I forgot we’re not going to have signal where we are, we’re going to be high up in the mountains. So, I guess I’ll call you when I can.”

I nod, “okay.”

“Can I have a kiss goodbye?”

I hesitate, tapping my hands on the sides of my thighs then nod and prepare myself. He leans in and kisses me, it’s not forceful or wet, he just softly presses his lips to mine and I kiss him back. His arms wind around me and he hugs me close then it’s over.

“I love you,” he says gently.

He walks away without giving me a chance to respond and I watch him put his bag in, then before he goes into the car he gives me a wave, I wave back. I see him smile, get into the car and the taxi pulls out and drives away.

I tuck the hair that has fallen in front of my face staring at the empty road, I feel empty. My phone buzzes in my back pocket and I pull it out to see Carlo’s text.

“Ready my dear?”

My fingers type and sends yes, but my heart says no.