Your Voice

I lay awake for hours after I dropped Kade home, my cheek still felt like it burnt from where his fingers had brushed my skin. His touch had been so gentle, so tender, and I’d wanted nothing but for the moment to last forever. Having his skin touching mine had just felt so…right. I wanted to say something, to let him know how amazing it felt to have him touch me in such an intimate way, but I knew I’d sound creepy and weird. I mentally shook myself and rolled over to bury my face in my pillow.

I had to stop thinking about Kade so much. It wasn’t normal. I should be focusing on a variety of other things; work, uni, Gemma. Not some random boy I met a few weeks ago. If anything, Kade deserved a passing thought every now and then, not a permanent place in my mind. The fact that he was becoming one of my many priorities ought to worry me, but for some reason it didn’t. Thinking about Kade didn’t feel like a chore in the same way that work and uni did. Even Gemma in some respect, felt like a chore when I had to act like a father instead of a brother. But Kade was just…comforting to think about. Thinking about Kade didn’t come with a list of jobs or deadlines, it was just him. Maybe it was kind of depressing that I hadn’t had anything pleasant to occupy my thoughts before him, except Gemma, but I hadn’t had time for a hobby like that. Part of me worried that I hardly even had time for Kade, considering the only time I really ever actually spent with him was in the car driving him home, when I hardly had any energy left. But the idea of attempting to remove him from my daily routine was not even worth thinking about.

I took a deep breath and forced myself to close my eyes and think about something else. But that night, all I could think of was Kade. I eventually fell asleep, thinking of Kade’s gentle touch on my jaw, only to dream about Kade’s touch all night.

--

I liked Fridays, as most people did, I guess. It was casual Friday, so I was able to forgo my usual suit and wear a pair of jeans and either a shirt or jumper, depending on the weather. At that time of year, it was hard to choose, and normally I had a jumper over a shirt just in case. You could never really be sure what the weather will be like. But Fridays were always the best day – I didn’t work Saturday or Sunday, and other than 4 hours of lectures on Saturday afternoons, I usually kept my weekend empty. Maybe I’d actually be able to spend some time with Kade if Gemma invited him over again. It seemed likely that she would, considering he was at our house practically every other night.

The day past smoothly – Grant didn’t bother me and Mark didn’t phone, so there was no unnecessary drama in the office. I wondered whether John had smoothed things over with Mark since he’d phoned 2 days before, but it was really none of my business. But I kind of hoped he had – John deserved to be happy and from the few conversations I’d half overheard, John was happy with Mark. I wanted that; I wanted to find someone who made me happy. Sometimes I thought that person might be Kade, but then I’d remember how young he is, how many issues he has, and I think that maybe he doesn’t need someone like me. Someone with just as many issues. Someone who doesn’t deserve a person as amazing as Kade…

On Friday evening, Kade wasn’t at our house and I couldn’t help but feel slightly disappointed. I’d come to expect him curled up on my sofa with Gemma, watching some crappy television show while waiting for me to watch Game of Thrones with him. I was going to miss it that night. “Hey, Dylan,” Gemma said, sinking onto the sofa just as I started watching an episode of Suits – another favourite program of mine.
“Hey,” I smiled at her.
“Just so you know, on Sunday, I think I’m going to go over to a friend’s house,” she said. “We want to go and see that new romcom movie, is that okay?”
“Who are you going with?” I asked her, slightly concerned. I knew she’d be fine, but I couldn’t help but worry. She was the only family I had left and she was my responsibility. I’d been given custody of her by the system and I wasn’t going to lose her by being irresponsible with her safety.
“My friend Paige,” she said and I nodded. The name was familiar, I think she’d talked about Paige before.
“Okay, just be back by 9.30,” I told her and her eyes widened.
“9.30?” she asked in shock. “That’s insane!” I tried to think what time our parents had let me out until when I’d been 16.
“Okay, 10,” I said and while she still frowned slightly, she accepted the new time. I think our parents had let me stay out later than that, but I think they would say that they regretted it if they were around to ask now. I mentally shook away my darkening thoughts and turned to her. “Is Kade going with you?” I asked her and she shook her head.
“No, I don’t think it’s his sort of movie,” she said.
“Maybe I’ll see if he wants to come over here in the evening,” I said, thinking out loud but Gemma jumped on the idea.
“That would be great,” she said. “I think he likes coming over here. And I know he likes watching Game of Thrones with you, though I can’t for the life of me figure out why.”
“Because it’s awesome,” I grinned at her and she rolled her eyes. “Can I have his number?” I asked her, pulling out my phone. “I’ll text him and see if he wants to.” Gemma grinned again and nodded vigorously as she read out Kade’s number and I added it to my phone.
“Do you think it’ll be strange, just the two of you?” she asked a moment after I texted Kade asking if he wanted to hang out on Sunday. I paused for a moment to consider it.
“I don’t think so,” I said. “I mean, if it gets awkward, I’ll just put Game of Thrones on and then we’ll have something to talk about.” Though I didn’t feel like we’d run out of things to talk about; conversation just seemed to flow between us even with the complication of Kade not being able to hear.
“Cool, I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Gemma smiled. A moment later, my phone vibrated, signalling I had a text. I looked down to read Kade’s reply: that sounds good! See you on Sunday :) I smiled to myself at just how adorable Kade was and stuffed my phone back in my pocket. I looked up to catch Gemma watching me, but I looked away and back at the television, acting as though she hadn’t caught me smiling to myself as I thought about Kade.

Saturday passed as usual. I had a lie in, for which I was always grateful, before heading into London at midday. I had two 2-hour lectures on a Saturday which, while intense, was great because it covered an awful lot and I wasn’t too tired as I didn’t have to come straight from work. But even though I was as awake as I could have possibly been, my thoughts still strayed. What was tomorrow evening going to be like? I was nervous, I was excited. I didn’t really know what to expect; Kade and I had never been alone together after all. What if I made him uncomfortable? What if he didn’t like it when Gemma wasn’t there too? What if I just made a total ass out of myself by doing something stupid? I couldn’t think of an example off the top of my head, but I was sure there were a variety of things I could do that would make Kade think I wasn’t worth his time. I had to consciously stop myself from thinking such things. I’m pretty sure that that meant something – was I that insecure that I thought I’d mess things up with a 16 year old? – but I chose to ignore that.

On Sunday, Gemma was flittering about the house all morning and afternoon. She was starting to drive me up the wall when she left for Paige’s house. I wanted to ask her more questions, interrogate her if necessary, before she left, but she seemed to all but run out of the house at 4 o’clock and I didn’t get the chance. I would make sure to do it either when she got home or the next day.

In between Gemma leaving and Kade arriving, I had about 2 hours to sort myself out. I showered, dressed, cleaned up a little bit, and got my Game of Thrones box set ready, as I knew that’s what we’d end up doing. I ended up sitting on the sofa anxiously waiting for Kade to arrive. The desperation to see him was pretty crazy, considering it had only been about 3 days, but I couldn’t help it. He’d wormed his way into my heart and now he was there for good. Not that I minded much.

At 6.15, the doorbell rang and I jumped up to answer the door. Kade was standing on the doorstep, smiling at me shyly and I couldn’t help but grin at him. “Hi,” I said and signed. “Come in.”
“Thanks,” he smiled, stepping around me and into the house. I closed the door behind him and then followed him through to the living room.
“So, have you eaten?” I asked and he bit his lip before shaking his head.
“I didn’t have time, but don’t worry if you already have, I don’t need anything,” he said and I frowned.
“Don’t be silly,” I said. “I haven’t eaten anyway, but even if I had I’d still make you something. What do you fancy?” We headed into the kitchen and I looked into the fairly empty fridge before turning to him.
“I don’t mind,” he said and I looked back at the fridge.
“How about pasta bolognaise?” I suggested, “that’s fairly easy.”
“Sounds good,” he signed and I smiled before pulling out the vegetables and mince.

For the next 20 minutes or so, we made our dinner. It was nice. It felt good cooking alongside Kade, as though we were something more than just friends. Couples cook together don’t they? Was it really bad that I started to imagine what it would be like in 10 years’ time to come home to Kade and make dinner with him? It was just a nice thought. Of course, by then I would have finished university and I might have even changed companies. And Gemma would have probably moved out… I shook my head of the thoughts. Gemma moving out and growing up was not something I was ready to deal with.

Once the food was cooked, my stomach was practically continually grumbling. I signed to Kade that it was doing so and he grinned at me, placing a hand over his own stomach. “It smells amazing, I’m pretty hungry now, too,” he signed and I smiled. I’d noticed that Kade didn’t eat all that much and I wasn’t 100% sure why. I wasn’t sure if it was just because he had a small appetite or a more serious reason. I made sure to give him a good sized portion.

A small moan escaped Kade’s mouth as he took his first bite and I couldn’t help but grin. “Good?” I signed and he blushed as he nodded, quickly moving onto his next bite. I just smiled to myself as I started to eat myself.

About an hour later, after we’d cleaned up in the kitchen together – another thing that made us feel coupley – we moved into the living room and I put Game of Thrones on. “This okay?” I asked Kade and he grinned and nodded.
“Perfect,” he signed. “And now that Gemma isn't here, we can watch it without her interruptions saying that she’s bored.” I chuckled and nodded, pressing play. I hummed along to the intro music, feeling bad that Kade couldn’t experience what amazing music it is, but I quickly pushed that thought out of my mind as the story started.

“I love Danaerys,” Kade signed about half way through the episode and I smiled as I glanced at the white-haired girl on the screen. I think when I’d initially watched Game of Thrones, Danaerys had been my favourite character throughout the first season, too. In fact, she was probably still high on my list.
“Me, too,” I said and signed. “She is pretty awesome.”
“And Jon Snow,” Kade signed, “I can’t work out who’s my favourite.” I smiled and nodded; I’d had the same issue. Though Jon Snow didn’t really do all that much in the first season, he was pretty hot so he was a contender for my favourite character. During a tense and dramatic scene, Kade leans forward, his hands gripping the sofa in the small space between us. I smiled gently but then bit my lip at the temptation to take Kade’s hand. I glance at his face, but he was focused completely on the television. I didn’t even care what was happening on the screen. My heart was racing faster than I’d ever felt it before as I cautiously moved my hand to rest on top of Kade’s, my fingers slotting between his. Kade sat up straighter for a moment and glanced down at my hand covering his and I watched a faint redness cover his cheeks before he turned back to the television, his posture relaxed once again. His fingers moved slightly to make more room for mine, before he curled his fingers over mine. I smiled to myself and then looked back at the television for the last 10 minutes or so of the show.

When the screen went black after the final scene, I turned to Kade. “Do you want to watch the next one?” I signed with my free hand, watching as his gaze moved from my hand to my lips to my eyes. His didn’t reply, he just gazed at me, his wide eyes just as enchanting as ever. “Kade,” I whispered, my own eyes moving down to his lips for a moment before returning to his eyes. Suddenly my hand that was holding his felt like it was burning, but in a good way. I squeezed his fingers and he squeezed back and then I leant forward and pressed my lips against his.

The kiss lasted for a few seconds before I pulled back. But that had been enough; my heart was racing, my palms were clammy, my lips were tingling. I looked up at Kade, to see how he’d taken the kiss, and saw he was biting his lip to keep from grinning. His expression made butterflies erupt in my stomach, something I had never experienced before. “Yes,” he signed, pulling his hand out from under mine, “let’s watch the next one.” I smiled and nodded and got up to change the disc in the DVD player. When I sat down again, Kade scooted slightly closer to me and curled into my side, taking my hand in his and holding it in his lap. I smiled and pressed play before cuddling into Kade, too. My heart was still racing, but I couldn’t help but smile throughout the rest of the episode. God, I felt like a teenage girl who’d just experienced her first kiss…all jittery and excited, but to be honest, I couldn’t give a crap. I was excited; I’d just kissed Kade!

About an hour and a half later, Gemma came back from her friends with a wide smile on her face. Kade subtly pulled away from me and dropped my hand, signing, “how was your evening?”
“Really good,” Gemma said and signed, flopping onto the armchair with a sigh. “We had a really good evening.” Kade grinned at her, more excited than what I thought was necessary, but I just shrugged and turned to him.
“Do you want a lift home?” I asked him and he smiled at nodded.
“Yes please,” he said and I nodded, standing up and going to find my shoes. I met him at the front door a minute later, when I saw Gemma and Kade quickly stop signing. I looked at them curiously but then just shook it off and opened the front door.
“Back in a sec,” I said to Gemma who nodded and went back to her room.

The drive to Kade’s house was as quiet as ever, and I felt slightly nervous about what I should do when we arrived at his. Should I get out of the car? Should I act like normal and just give him a hug? I bit my lip anxiously for the remaining journey. Eventually, we arrived at his house and I turned the car off. “Thanks,” Kade smiled, turning to me.
“You’re welcome,” I signed, before leaning in and pecking his lips tenderly. I pulled back hardly 5 seconds later and grinned at Kade’s blushing face.
“I liked hanging out with you tonight…just us,” he signed, his ever present blush only darkening. “I’ll see you soon.” I nodded and watched as he climbed out of the car. I continued to watch him walk across the drive and into his house before driving away with what was probably a stupid grin stretched across my face.