Your Voice

The best word to describe my feelings at the moment are confusion. Confusion and maybe awe. And maybe a bit of disbelief. But most definitely the most prominent emotion is confusion.

I can't tell you if it's confusion over what happened or who it happened with. Because that was my first kiss, ever, and it was also the first time I'd ever held hands with someone. Well when I was five I held hands with this girl who was in my class, but I don't even remember her name so that doesn't count. Yet I held hands with Dylan yesterday and then we kissed twice.

And that's the other half. Because it was Dylan. My best friend's other brother. That's the key word there; brother. He is a boy, and I'm a boy, and that's really confusing to me. Because I've always had the mindset that it was wrong. Though I'd never heard my parents say that homosexuality was wrong, I don't think they would exactly agree with it. And I don't think they would appreciate their own son kissing another boy. I don't even know if I appreciate it.

Yeah, last night was probably the best night of my life. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before. I mean when Dylan texted me asking if I wanted to hang out, I was afraid I would throw up everywhere. It was obvious Gemma wouldn't be there because I knew she had plans and that meant Dylan and I would be alone. Which was nerve wracking, but I jumped at the opportunity. It was still crazy for me to think I had a best friend, Gemma, and she always wanted to hang out which gave me a social life I'd never had before. But to think her brother wanted to be friends too? It was all so new and exciting.

And then he put his hand over mine, so nonchalant, and in my head I was a blundering mess of an idiot, but I miraculously kept my cool, and when I let his fingers slip between mine, we were holding hands. I've never so much as had a friend before and suddenly another boy was holding my hand. And then when the episode of Game of Thrones ended and he spoke and signed to me, I couldn't look anywhere but his lips. They had been red and a bit chapped and I wanted nothing more than to touch them, feel them, and taste them. I hadn't even caught what he said, I was too busy trying to quell the overwhelming urge to kiss him. To let him have my first kiss.

And then he spoke my name and kissed me.

My first kiss. He actually took my first kiss and I was more than willing to hand it over. His lips hand been chapped, but they were soft at the same time, and they were plumper than my own, his entire mouth covering mine in warmth. It was the best first kiss ever.

When we pulled away only seconds later, I had bit my lip in hopes he wouldn't see the cheesy grin threatening to take over my face. I think he saw any way, but I told him to the put the movie on and he didn't hesitate to follow through. When he sat back down, I had a sudden surge of confidence I don't think I've ever experienced before. I pulled his arm to my lap and held his hand there, properly this time, with our palms pressed together and fingers entwined. We had been sitting so close our entire bodies were pressed together, but Dylan didn't seem to mind and I was busy dealing with a gut full of something stronger than butterflies.

Gemma had gotten home and I'd pulled away from him in fear of what she would say. Clearly Dylan was into guys, or else he wouldn't have kissed me, but that didn't mean he was out or that Gemma was comfortable with it. As soon as Dylan had left us alone, I bombarded her with questions about her date with Chris, and she'd eagerly told me how amazing it was. She was telling me as many details as she could before Dylan came back, and he was ready to take me home.

I hadn't wanted to go home, because I knew all I would do is sit in my bed and think. Thinking is a dangerous past time, but it's the only thing I could really do. I didn't have parents to communicate with, I couldn't sit to watch TV, and I couldn't distract myself with music. I hadn't even been able to focus on A Game of Thrones, the first book of the Song of Fire and Ice series I'd gotten at the school library. Especially since instead of hugging me like usual, Dylan leaned over and pecked another kiss to my lips that I wished he hadn't pulled away from.

I didn't understand my feelings. I enjoyed what happened last night more than anything. It made me feel more alive than anything has in a long time, but at the same time I wondered if it was okay for me to feel this way. Just because Dylan kissed me doesn't exactly mean he likes me. I know people can kiss and have no attraction towards the other person. But that would be heartbreaking because I really like Dylan. I don't know a lot about him, but that doesn't matter. I know he's caring and a great big brother, I know he doesn't mind I don't speak and that he has a good sense of humor. He also has great tastes in TV shows, and I'm sure he is the same with music if I had an interest in it. He is devoted too, to his work and schooling and to Gemma. And that's really attractive. And besides all I need to know, really, is that he gives me butterflies. That he makes me smile. That he helps me not feel so alone in this world. Gemma being my friend was one thing, because she was already deaf, but Dylan could hear perfectly fine and he still befriended me despite the minor language barrier. He knew sign language though and that was easily surpassed. So in a way, his friendship is more special than Gemma's. It's a different kind.

But he didn't make any sort of move last night, either. Sure he is the one that kissed me and he gave me a peck goodbye, but he didn't ask what happened between us. He didn't ask if I wanted to hang out, just the two of us, again sometime. He didn't say anything, and that was plaguing my thoughts more than anything else. More than if this was morally wrong or if this was acceptable or even normal. I wanted a reaction from Dylan that could help me understand what is going on. I wanted him to say something that would quell my sudden fears about the subject. I wanted him to comfort me. Tell me that what happened between us was okay. That there wasn't anything wrong with it.

But like I already said, I barely knew him. I knew little things about him but not details. I knew enough to know that I liked him, though. Even if I was hesitant to accept that about myself.

I think what I want most is for someone to just listen to me. Listen to my fears and confusion and anxiety on the subject of my sexuality. Because it was so freaking confusing and I had no one to talk to.

Well, I don't talk, but that's beside the point.

I don't know, maybe I'm thinking too much. I know I am, but I can't help it. There's nothing else for me to do! I barely got a bit of sleep last night, I was too busy tossing and turning and replaying the kiss in my head. I couldn't stop thinking about it! No matter what I tried it was there.

It's still there, even now as I'm getting ready for school, slipping my blazer on and tightening my tie. It's raining outside, which is just my luck, and I know my mom probably won't offer me a ride to school. Why would she?

I don't see why Dylan would kiss me. It's hard for me to wrap my head around, because doesn't kissing entitle that you care for someone? And I've never had anyone care for me. Not since I was eight.

I skip breakfast because my mind is racing too much for me to eat. My stomach is churning and all I can think about is Dylan. Dylan Dylan Dylan dylandylandylan. It's driving me insane. I thought about him a lot before, yeah, but never this much. Not so much that I thought I was going to hurl up the contents of yesterday's dinner and collapse from exhaustion at the same time.

I don't even see my mom as I leave for school and I can't be bothered with it. I just start walking and the rain doesn't help my thoughts but it quiets them a bit, enough to relax me. The steady rainfall on my cheeks is a rhythm I can get lost in; maybe it's a good thing my mom wouldn't bother to take me to school. Even though it was a bit chilly, this weather helped me calm down. I was no longer as nauseous as I was the night before. Dylan was still there in the back of my head, but he wasn't as loud as before.

Walking into school, I keep my head down and walk in quick strides. Luckily the heat was cranked a bit, like they knew I would be wet, and I can easily warm myself up with my hands rubbing my arms. When I get into my English Language classroom, however, there's a person missing.

Kyle, Mr. Smith, isn't here. The assistant teacher that interprets for me what the teacher is saying. He is usually up at the front talking to our professor, but today he isn't. And that sets of a flurry of panic in my stomach.

Professor Lynn looks over as I enter, and a sad sort of smile falls on his lips, but at the same time it's comforting. I walk towards him because I know that is what he wants me to do, and when I reach his desk he reaches a steady hand out and grips at my forearm. I don't jump as I'd expected but, but I still feel a little awkward. His smile is gentle and there are crinkles at the corner of his eyes, his glasses pushing up his nose some in the process. I already thought he was a cool teacher, but for some reason this is making me think he could be my favorite.

"Kade," he says, and although I can't hear him, his thin lips are easy enough to read. As he speaks to me, he makes sure to dictate his words more than he usually would, but he doesn't do it in a dramatic way as if I'm an idiot. He does it easily, almost gently, as if he would talk this way to a student even if they weren't deaf. "Mr. Smith is ill, he won't be in today."

I knew panic was the right response when I saw the man wasn't in here. My stomach drops to my ankles and the hairs stand up at the back of my neck, a sudden sense of dread overtaking my body. How was I meant to make it through the day? I won't be able to keep up with what the teacher is saying and I won't be able to take notes and I'll fall behind. It can happen easily just from one day at school. My English Literature teacher was already hard enough, he expected so much and it was obvious he wished I would speak or could hear in the first place, I can only imagine what he was going to be like now that Kyle wasn't there to help me in the places I was lacking.

But I paint a smile on anyway, one Professor Lynn sees through immediately, but he doesn't point it out. He just pats my arm and tells me to come see him if I have any trouble, and I think he meant if I had trouble in this class or any class. That comforts me some, even though I want to crawl into a hole. Maybe I can just leave, go back home and hide away in my room. I don't really want to be here any more.

I go to my seat anyway, knowing if I skipped it would only make this worse, and I might as well get the day over with. Now all I wanted was to think about Dylan. And he was there, in the back of my mind, but I was mostly just worried about how Mr. Smith wasn't here.

Gemma comes in though, helping to distract my thoughts. Her cheeks are red and her smile is so huge it looks like her cheeks are going to break, and it makes me happy to see she is so happy. I bet Chris talked to her or something; I hope so any way. Gemma deserves to have a guy fawn over her. I kind of want that to happen to me, too, only with Dylan. That thought makes me blush and fortunately, Kyle is forgotten for a moment.

Gemma sits down next to me happily; a couple other students look our way, which makes me think she either made a happy noise or she plopped down noisily. If her cheeks coloring again is anything to go by, I'd say she sat down noisily. As I'm looking at her, I notice she isn't wet, which is weird because I know she walks to school. Dylan has to leave for work too early to take her; at least on Mondays he does.

"Why aren't you wet?" I sign, blushing because of the perverted way it sounds. I may be caught up in Dylan and I may be deaf, but I'm still a teenage boy. So it isn't my fault, not really.

Gemma smiles and I think giggles, by the way she ducks her head between her shoulders and covers her hand with a mouth. I can't help but smile; she's being such a girl right now. "Chris came and picked me up, actually," she says, and my eyes widen. She shakes her head, signing, "Dylan had already left, thank God. But yeah... He is so sweet."

"Are you guys dating?" I ask, and then when Gemma nods her head, a sense of dread settles in my stomach.

Chris already asked Gemma to be his girlfriend, after one date. They didn't even kiss yesterday and she hasn't told me they kissed today so I assume they haven't. Yet Dylan and I hung out for hours yesterday, kind of like a date, and he kissed me and he didn't say anything about it? I mean yeah we were both pretty chill and relaxed and nonchalant while it was happening but now I'm freaking out!

This is not my day.

Gemma looks around the room a bit, before she looks to the front and realizes only Professor Lynn is present. She turns to me with her brow furrowed and signs with one hand, lazily but still urgent, "Where is Mr. Smith?"

I frown deeply, having momentarily forgotten that my assistant teacher is not here. Which means I'll be on my own in every class, trying to keep up with what they are saying and failing. I really do not want to be here today, but Gemma is frowning deeply so I slump against my seat, head down against the wood, and hold a hand up to awkwardly sign, "He's ill. Not here. I'm alone."

Gemma's arm is quick to sling across my shoulders, leaning her weight against my right shoulder blade. It's an awkward position and there are people in the class staring at us, but I don't care because this is sort of comforting. She smells good and she's warm from not walking to school. Her hair tickles the side of my face and when I close my eyes, I almost don't feel as scared. It would be worse if I didn't have a best friend that knew sign language and Kyle was gone. But since Gemma is here maybe things won't be too bad.

She pulls away enough so that I can see her sign, "I'll walk you to classes and explain to your teachers, okay? And I'll be there for English Literature. I promise you won't be alone."

Somehow she knew that's exactly what I want to hear, and I'm reminded at one point she didn't have the implant and she was just like me. I smile back, a real smile this time, and nod my head. Maybe I will be okay.

If only I could figure out this thing with Dylan.
~

English Language went fine, but I think that's because we just did presentations all class. When it was our turn, people clapped but I couldn't hear the applause. I had just sat up there while Gemma did all the talking, but I don't think Professor Lynn minded. He was smiling the entire time and he patted me on the back. I'd thought he was a cool teacher before but after today I think he was my favorite.

Photography went alright. Fortunately we were outside and I didn't have to pay a lot of attention to what he was saying. Plus Gemma did exactly what she said she would do and she followed me to class and explained the situation. He already knew Mr. Smith was going to be absent but he listened anyway and smiled politely. It didn't feel as real as it did with Professor Lynn though.

Now I had my free period, which was great because I was tired of being in photography. I like the class and everything but it is humid outside and cold and I really wanted to be back inside. Plus this meant I could meet Gemma at the library and possibly read what I missed last night in A Game of Thrones.

However, that doesn't happen. When I get to the library and spot Gemma, she's looking down at her phone with a frown on her face. I approach her slowly, setting my bag on the table and smiling lightly once she looks up at me. She smiles back but I can tell her eyes are concerned; I wonder for a second who she is texting but then decide it's none of my business.

She ends up telling me without me asking. "Dylan is being weird," and that makes my cheeks catch fire and my stomach drop. He's being weird? Why is he being weird? Is it because he regretted what we did last night? Or is it because I'm so young? I am his little sister's best friend. He probably wishes last night had never happened.

That thought makes me incredibly sad, and it must show on my face because Gemma instantly shuts off her phone and leans towards me. Her hand lands on my forearm as she narrows her eyes, studying my face. I feel myself blush but I don't look away, until she finally signs, "Do you know something?"

I shake my head minimally before looking down at my book, trying to focus on the words. Gemma slaps her hand down on the page, I'm sure making a noise, and I jump, looking up at her with wide eyes. Though the action was a bit angry, her eyes are playful and serious while she asks, "Did something happen yesterday?"

My heart is pounding in my chest and I swear I can almost hear it in my ears. I can certainly feel it there any way. My palms start sweating and my knee starts bouncing. I feel like I'm going to puke. I want to tell her what happened. I want desperately to tell anyone what's happened. But at the same time I don't want to out Dylan or make Gemma hate me. What if she thinks I'm using her brother? Or using her friendship to get to her brother? Or- I don't know! What if she just gets mad? Aren't siblings off limits or something? I've never had a proper friendship, I don't know all these rules!

She must notice the way I struggle, because her brow pinches together, that adorable little line appearing between them, before she says and doesn't sign, "Kade?" Exactly like her brother did last night but this is different.

And then I'm breaking, because I can't keep it in. So much confusion and awe and disbelief and frustration at the fact that I don't know what to think! I can't keep silent any more. My whole life I've been silent, never uttering a peep about what goes on in my head. Never talking to someone about how much it hurts me that my parents don't give a shit about what I do. Never talked about how lonely I feel because no one has ever tried being my friend. I have never opened up, period, and I can't take it any more! Not when Gemma seems to so genuinely care and not when something as big as what happened with Dylan is going on in my mind. I can't do it any more.

"We were watching Game of Thrones," I sign frantically, my hands moving rapidly. Gemma's eyes grow wide but she keeps up with what I'm saying, watching my hands move fluidly because this is what I do. I sign. "And it was getting real intense when out of nowhere Dylan puts his hand on top of mine. I tensed up because I've never done anything like that before, but then I entwined our fingers. When the episode ended we turned to face each other and stared for a bit until he leaned in and kissed me. And then we went back to watching episodes and cuddling. When he dropped me off at home, he kissed me again, and it's all really confusing and I don't know what to do."

Gemma stares at me with big brown eyes, her mouth slightly open as she takes in everything I said. I bite my lip, moving to entwine my fingers and wring them together. I'm freaking out for the few seconds it takes her to process everything, but then she opens her mouth, shakes her hands in the air, and bounces in her seat. Practically vibrating. My eyes widen and suddenly her hand clasps over her mouth; I look over my shoulder to see the librarian glaring at us, which makes me believe Gemma just squealed or something. Like what Paige did.

Do girls always do this when their friends develop relationships?

Wait, I'm not even in a relationship. Nothing happened aside from two pecks and hand holding. He didn't even ask me out. Why is she freaking out right now? She just seems really, really happy. Which sure doesn't make me feel as nervous, but I don't understand. She must have known Dylan was into guys because she doesn't seem surprised or anything by that, but she is practically having an attack of excitement. Does that even make sense?

"Kade," she signs, but then she doubles over in another fit of giggles. Or so I assume that's what she is doing. When she straightens back up her smile is huge as she signs, "That's fantastic! I knew Dylan was into you."

I shake my head in shame, biting my lip harshly. As I sign back, I keep my eyes on the book still in front of me. "I don't know. I mean, he is a boy! I'm a boy. Isn't that suppose to be wrong?"

Gemma stares at me a moment longer before slowly reaching a hand out to encompass my own. I stare at it before slowly moving my eyes up and to her opposite hand. Once she sees I'm watching, she signs slowly and deliberately, "Have you never been with a boy?"

I blush, lifting my hand and holding it somewhat in front of my face as I sign, "No, I have never kissed anyone."

"Are you gay?" She asks me, so nonchalantly. As if it doesn't matter. As if it isn't the one question I've been asking myself ever since I first saw Dylan and especially since he kissed me. I open my mouth, knowing no words will come out, and then close it. This happens repeatedly, and my hand hovers in the air before slapping back down against the table and then raising all over again. I blink rapidly, and realize I don't know the answer to that. A pathetic whines leaves my throat; I can't hear it but I imagine how it sounds, and then I shrug, dropping my eyes back to the table and slumping my shoulders. Gemma hand gently takes my chin, lifting it up as she smiles sadly. "Are you confused?" I nod, and Gemma bites her lip. "But do you like Dylan, is the question?"

This I know how to answer, because despite the fact he is a boy and I am a boy it doesn't matter. Do I like him? Yes, Dylan is an amazing lad. He gives me butterflies and that's enough conviction for me. Even if I don't understand why or how.

Gemma smiles at this, but I quickly shake my head, reality coming into play. "I don't think he likes me," I sign and Gemma is quick to interrupt me.

"Of course he does! He wouldn't kiss you if he didn't, I know my brother."

"We never talked about it," I say, shaking my head adamantly. "Even after he dropped me off at home. Maybe it isn't that big a deal, but he never text me either and I know he has my number. Wouldn't he have said something?"

Gemma pouts, shaking her head as she takes my hand again, this time just holding it lightly. It makes me flush but I don't remove it; I like the comfort. "Dylan-" she starts and then stops, taking a deep breath. "He is complicated, okay? He is probably worried he freaked you out. Or afraid that it will make me mad. Or something stupid. But I know he likes you. I've had my suspicions for awhile." I just shake my head, not believing a word she says. Of course I don't believe her. Why would Dylan like me? I have absolutely nothing to offer him. He deserves so much better. "Seriously, please believe me. I'll talk to him for you."

"No!" I shake my head frantically, grasping her hand. Gemma winces lightly and then furrows her brows as I sign more rapidly, "No, please don't! He probably wants to forget it ever happened and I don't want to lose his friendship!"

"Kade-"

"Gemma seriously. You can't tell him. Promise me?" I hold out my pinky childishly, staring intently into her eyes. She doesn't want to agree, I know she doesn't, but what other choice does she have? It's a sticky situation. So when she finally nods and takes my pinky, I smile at her to let her know how grateful I am. She isn't making much eye contact, but I sign, "Thank you," anyway. She just shrugs.

I look at my book and this time Gemma lets me read it. Although I'm still nervous about having English lit without Kyle, I feel a lot better. After telling Gemma about Dylan it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.

Though I was still confused. And in awe. And still in disbelief.