Your Voice

“Dylan?” a voice said and I jumped, turning in the direction of the voice. “You okay?” John asked and I smiled and nodded.
“Yeah, sorry,” I said, trying to push my day dreams to the back of my head. I found myself thinking about Kade all the freaking time. At work, at uni, at home. I couldn’t escape my thoughts of him. And I kind of really didn’t want to. I liked thinking about him. He made me smile, he made me feel all warm and gooey inside.
“Didn’t you hear me?” John asked, standing in the doorway to his office. I frowned and shook my head and John just smirked. “Must have been thinking about something pretty important, huh?” I just smiled and shrugged.
“Sorry,” I said again. “Did you need something?”
“Do you mind going to pick my lunch up?” he asked. “I need to finish this project review for a meeting this afternoon.”
“Sure,” I smiled, standing up and making sure my wallet was in my back pocket. “No problem. What do you want?”
“Just a sandwich or something from the deli,” he said and I nodded. I grabbed my phone and headed down the road to the deli and ordered 2 chicken salad wraps, figuring I might as well get my own lunch as well.

My phone vibrated in my pocket and I pulled it out as I waited at the counter for my food. Didn’t see you this morning, you okay? It was from Gemma, as I’d half expected it to be. I’d cowardly left the house even earlier than normal to avoid her. I mean, I’d kissed a boy who was close to being her best friend. And I knew that if she’d seen me that morning, she would have known something was up. I could hardly keep the smile off my face and I seemed to spend every spare minute day dreaming about the kiss. Yeah, I’m fine, see you at home x Maybe that was a blunt text, but in all honesty, I wasn’t that bothered. I had bigger things to worry about. First and foremost, what I was going to tell Gemma. I didn’t really know how to tell her. I mean, what if she thought I was going to steal her best friend or something? Gemma is my priority, so if she didn’t like the thought of Kade and I being together then… I’d need to either convince her or try to get over my feelings for Kade. I think the latter would be the most difficult. But still, Gemma had to come before Kade, always, so if she didn’t want me to be with Kade then…I’d accept that. Or I’d try to.

My stomach churned for most of the day and not in a pleasant way. What if Gemma hated me for what I’d done? I knew I ought to tell her, but it was easier just to pretend it hadn’t happened. But I knew that wasn’t fair on Kade. Kade… I also needed to know what he was thinking. How he was reacting to the whole situation. Did he want Gemma to know? Would he worry about her reaction too? Probably, seeing as he seemed to do nothing but worry about other people. Part of me wanted to text him, just so he didn’t think I’d forgotten about him after our kiss the night before. But part of me felt like I needed to do something more than just text him. I probably needed to talk to him in person, but I wasn’t going to be able to do that unless I asked Gemma to leave the room for a bit. And that would only raise further questions from her. I really needed to talk to her first to make sure she was okay with me pursuing a relationship with Kade. But all I really wanted was to see Kade.

It was kind of a nightmare of a situation.

But then I’d think, what if Kade just wanted to forget about it, too? I mean, he hadn’t tried texting me or anything. Surely it’s as much up to him as it’s up to me. Though, deep down, I knew Kade wasn’t brave enough to text me after we’d kissed. I knew it was up to me. And while I so desperately wanted to talk to him, I couldn’t help but hold back.

At the end of the day, Kade was 16 years old. He was underage and incredibly inexperienced. And while I found that incredibly adorable, I couldn’t help but feel guilty. What if he hadn’t wanted me to kiss him? What if I’d taken advantage of him? I mean, I’d been pretty focused on kissing him, maybe I’d missed some sign that he didn’t want to be kissed. Sure, he hadn’t pulled away…but what if he’d just been scared and didn’t know what to do? What if I’d moved too quickly and panicked him? Maybe that was why he hadn’t texted me. Maybe I should be apologising.

Needless to say, I didn’t get much work done that day. It was a good thing I didn’t have any lectures that evening. My brain was constantly arguing with itself, flinging what-ifs and maybes all over the place. The not knowing was going to drive me crazy.

--

I was half relieved, half disappointed that Kade wasn’t at the house when I got home. It meant that I didn’t have a way out of talking to Gemma. And it also meant that I didn’t get to see him… I was super tempted once again to text him, but felt like I should maybe do something more than just text. Didn’t he deserve an in person conversation?

“Hey, Gem,” I said, falling onto the sofa. I was tired. I’d not got much sleep the night before, as I’d started second guessing my actions and their consequences. And the day had just felt like it dragged.
“Hey,” Gemma said with a smile. “How was your day?”
“Not bad,” I said. “Glad I don’t have lectures this evening that I have to go to, I need an early night.” Gemma just hummed in response. I looked over at her and was confused when I realised she was grinning. Not at me, but just grinning as she watched the television. “You okay?” I asked her and she turned to me, attempting to hide her smile.
“Yep,” she said, before turning back to the television.
“How was school?” I asked her and she shrugged.
“It was fine,” she said. “I had to go around to all of Kade’s classes because his support teacher was off today and there was no substitute or anything, so Kade had to get by in a couple lessons without. I was there for English Lit and Lang, but I had to explain to his photography teacher. No one really knows what to do without his support teacher there…”
“That’s not very good,” I said with a frown. Surely the school needed a contingency plan for the inevitable day that the support teacher isn’t in?
“No,” Gemma agreed. “But there’s nothing we can really do about it. I mean, Kade’s parents could complain or something, but something tells me they won't.” My frown only deepened and I stared at the floor. Kade’s parents should be outraged that the school isn't supporting their child properly. If it had been Gemma, I’d be straight in there complaining. I was almost tempted to do it for Kade. “Hopefully they’ll get better over time,” Gemma said.
“Though that doesn’t really help Kade now,” I said and Gemma nodded. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “How was Kade today?” I asked and Gemma glanced at me with a slight smirk which had my stomach twisting uncomfortably. “I mean, with not having his support teacher?”
“He was a bit down,” she said with a gentle frown. “I think he was a little bit panicked.” I bit my lip hard, concern for Kade flooding into my system. “Why don’t you text him and ask him yourself?” she suggested and I glanced at her only to find her looking back at me innocently. I frowned at her in suspicion but then looked away again. I felt like Gemma was very rarely completely innocent… She always knew something. For a minute, I panicked that she knew about Kade and I. Would Kade tell her? I mean, they were best friends, so he could have told her. But she would have told me if he’d told her, surely? I mean, she can very rarely keep a straight face about anything.
“Maybe,” I said in response and Gemma rolled her eyes.
“Just text him you big baby,” she said and I frowned. “I know you want to.” I was going to argue, but she was right. And we both knew it.

I took my phone out, kind of disappointed that I didn’t already have a text from him. I opened up a blank message and then stared at the screen for a minute. What do I say? Should I mention the kiss? Should I mention that I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him or the kiss since it had happened? Should I mention that I wanted to see him again, as soon as possible? Should I mention that I wanted to kiss him again, as soon as possible? There were so many options, so many potential texts. But there were also so many things that I could say wrong. What if I mentioned the kiss and he was trying to pretend it didn’t happen? What if I mentioned that I wanted to see him again and he was trying to forget about me?

“God, Dylan, you’re not performing surgery, just send him a text,” Gemma said around a smirk. I glared at her and then turned my attention back to the phone. Hey, Gemma told me that your support teacher wasn’t in today. Hope you’re okay, come over any time if you want to talk. See you soon :) Dylan x I reread it several times before sending it. Since when had texting become so freaking stressful? As soon as it had sent, I started doubting myself. What if he wanted me to mention the kiss? What if he wanted me to mention how I couldn’t stop thinking about him, that he occupied my every thought? What if he wanted to know that I actually missed him after just one day? I looked down at my phone for what felt like ages, wondering if I should send a second text, adding in the romantic stuff that I hadn’t had the guts to say a few minutes before. “A watched pot never boils,” Gemma said and I sighed. Her smarmy smile was starting to irritate me and just as I was about to tell her to knock it off, my phone vibrated and my heart leapt into my throat.

It felt like it took ages for my phone to load the text message. My palms even started to feel a bit clammy. Hey, yeah I’m okay, just had a chance to practice my lip reading so it was good. Hopefully Mr Smith will be back tomorrow. And thanks, I’ll keep that in mind. And…if you want to forget about last night, we can x I frowned at the whole text. He was obviously lying about how his day had been, because Gemma hold told me he’d found it hard. Why would he downplay it? And then, of course, was his dismissal of our kiss. And that hurt. Like, a lot. I wasn’t sure what to do – did I act nonchalant or did I tell him that I’d never be able to forget about the night before for the rest of my life? Maybe somewhere in the middle.

“So, how’s Kade?” Gemma asked and I blinked away my thoughts.
“He seems fine,” I said distractedly to Gemma and she shrugged. I didn't really want to tell her what Kade had said, it felt like it was just for me. Even though he was her best friend, I still wanted to keep some of him just for myself.
“I guess he’s probably calmed down since earlier,” she said. “He was pretty wound up.” I just nodded. We sat silently for a minute before Gemma sighed. She quickly turned off the television and altered her position on the sofa so she was fully facing me. “Okay,” she said somewhat seriously and I waited for her to go on. “So you’re obviously not going to tell me, so I’m just going to have to tell you.”
“Tell me what?” I asked curiously.
“That I know you kissed Kade,” she said seriously and then burst into a grin.
“Oh,” I said worriedly. “Did Kade tell you?”
“Yeah,” she said, though her smile faded somewhat. Oh, God, what had Kade told her? Was I right, had Kade just wanted to forget about the whole thing? Did he feel like I’d taken advantage? How was I going to defend myself? Whose side was Gemma going to take? “You need to talk to him, Dylan,” she said eventually.
“I know,” I said. “I will.”
“No, I mean, soon,” she said and I frowned at the worry in her voice.
“What’s going on?” I asked and Gemma sighed.
“I told Kade I wouldn’t say, but…I think you’d probably be better to talk to about this than me,” she said.
“Just tell me, Gemma,” I said.
“Kade’s confused, Dylan,” she said gently. “His sexuality is something that he’s not really thought about before and he’s confused with how he feels about you. I don’t think he’s ever had the opportunity to develop feelings for anyone before because he hasn’t got close enough before. And now you’re caring about him and it’s confused him. He thinks being gay is wrong.”
“What?” I asked in shock. “How can he think that?”
“I don’t know,” she said, shaking her head. “I guess he’s just never had any support or acceptance from anyone before, so being gay is just another thing that makes him feel different. He’s worried you regret kissing him.”
“Wh…” is all I can get out. What the hell could give him that idea? I looked down at the text message he’d sent and bit my lip. Did he want to forget about last night?
“Well, you hadn’t messaged him since last night, so he didn’t know where you stand,” Gemma said and I had to nod – that was a good point.
“I’ll talk to him,” I said. Even if things didn’t work out between us romantically, I still wanted to talk to him about his sexuality. He shouldn’t be scared about being gay and I was determined to make him realise that. “Invite him over tomorrow?” I asked and Gemma smiled and nodded. I really, really wished I could talk to Kade then and there. It would be so much easier and I would be able to get everything off my chest. And I kind of wanted to apologise. I hadn’t meant to basically avoid him all day; I’d just been scared too. I certainly hadn’t meant for it to come across as me not caring. It was completely the opposite. I cared so much that I was terrified of freaking him out. All I wanted to do was take him in my arms and hold him until I made everything better. I wanted to be that person to Kade, the one who fixed things just by promising things will get better. And I was pretty sure that Kade could be that person to me. I was pretty sure that I’d believe Kade if he said things would be okay.

It was so tempting to just grab my keys and go over to Kade’s house, but I knew that might be going a bit too far. I just wanted to be able to comfort him, to protect him. God only knew what he was thinking right then. What if he was convincing himself that having feelings for me is wrong? That being gay is wrong? I was going to set him right as soon as I saw him. No one should be ashamed of who they are, especially not Kade who is the kindest, most adorable person I’d ever met. I understood it, though. I understood why Kade would be self-conscious. I mean, being gay and accepting it was tricky. And on top of that, he’s deaf and already has a rocky relationship with his parents. I could only imagine the thoughts going through his head. I knew I had to act fast, before he’d convinced himself to bury his feelings and hide away in the closet.

I took a deep breath and made myself reply to Kade, I don’t want to forget about it x That was so far the only thing I could do to show him that I returned his feelings and that being gay wasn’t wrong. But that didn’t mean that I wasn’t nervous about sending that. I mean, I’d essentially just bared my feelings to him. My heart was pounding in my chest as I waited for his response. Oh, God, what if I’d freaked him out? The second my phone vibrated, I grabbed it and looked at the screen. Me neither :) x I let out a breath I’d been holding and smiled at my phone. I wanted to text him more, just because I liked talking to him, but for the moment, I had nothing else to say. I just wanted to revel in the feeling of relief that flooded through me with the knowledge that Kade didn’t regret the night before. Maybe he was just as nervous to talk to me about it as I’d been with him. I knew then that if Kade and I were actually going to try anything, then I’d need to take control and just stick my neck out if need be. That was fine, I used to be like that. I used to just go up to guys all confident and ask them out. So I can do it now with Kade. I just had to try and bring that part of myself back to the surface.